Page generated in 0.026 seconds
Total duration
855 users online
568,514 hits today, 2,673,812 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well, I am still feeling that the ponies are handling both Nathan's and Sunset situation in arather amateurish fashion, but yes, this I suppose I can follow without feeling too much unease.
I was going to say, the last version of this chapter was literally the point where the train went off the rails, spontaneously combusted, and crashed through the fucking town of Ponyville screaming "Oh YEAAAAAAAH!", at the top of its lungs. I literally just shook my head and walked away from the fanfic at that point, because what do you SAY after that?
Please be clear on this; I am NOT someone who gives a downvote because things don't go in a direction I like, or because romance appears in the story. It was tagged, it's coming, if I didn't like it, I wouldn't read it. However, a certain tone had been set at the beginning of the story which implied that the author was going to go the sensible, build up of romantic tension route, and that last part of the last version of this chapter? That was quite literally every anon in Equestria story ever written, which is FINE, if that's what the story started as, with no apologies. For the story to START the way it did, then BECOME that, let's just say that the tone was so completely wrecked I couldn't GIVE you constructive criticism, other than "this is bad, and you should feel bad", and that's NOT constructive.
So I bowed the fuck out.
It appears I was premature. I will say this much, I think you need an "old salt" prereader, someone who's been around the block a couple of times and is mature enough to tell you when you're being retarded. Lord knows I wouldn't have gotten as far as I did without MORE than one.
I'm glad you decided to change the tone back. It takes a lot of guts and integrity to admit you fucked up and do something about it. Congratulations.
6909825
Thank you, and you're right. A pre-reader would help me out in a big way.
i was wondering why the chapters were setup wrong
kudos on the rewrite
EDIT: yea this went waaay better than last time, like what the hell
why even HAVE that test?
completely pointless
6909871 Shock/Surprise humor? Sheesh, some folks need to relax.
I personally enjoyed the original, I'm a fan of slapstick and over the top reactions, but I guess it would make things more difficult down the line. Especially with those two living under the same roof.
6910058
6910093
yea, true
just didn't fit the theme of the fic, i guess?
it's like this: Eldritch Application
like, there's an image to uphold, y'know?
Now that we get a glimpse of what previously wouldve been in the subsequent chapter, I get this feeling that when he went out the window, on Twilight and co exiting the building, they wouldve found him floating in Celestias magic, draped over her back in exactly the way the nurse wanted, or flattened poor Sunset to the ground in a most intresting position.
Now though, he is shacking up with someone with the mentality of a pony and the knowledge of a high school tyrant queen. Or, just how to embarrass, shame and humiliate males while making it look like its all their fault.
But now theres no reason for them to go through the mirror, and add the Sirens and Sugarcoat to his harem?
i like this ending a lot better than the last one. it was funny, but it was maybe a little over the top
If I'd known you were open to rewriting this, I'd have rattled off a list of noteworthy characteristics of the human species. Given that the testing has been interrupted, maybe they're still relevant:
1. Our ancestors were arboreal but were forced into a plains-dwelling lifestyle by natural climate change.
2. We still retain many of the body characteristics that were evolved for brachiation while we were smaller and lighter (eg. very flexible shoulder joints, grasping fingers with nails rather than claws, etc.).
3. We lack the instinctive predisposition toward fearing water that other great apes have. (It was big news in the scientific community when a band of chimps was discovered which had learned to like bathing.)
4. Our bodies have a combination of adaptations which, according to one hypothesis, developed because we would hunt by endurance running. (Either beating other scavengers to a kill or allowing quadrupedal prey to exhaust itself while we outlast them.)
5. We're opportunistic omnivores, but not obligate ones. (eg. Cats and baby birds will sicken and die from malnutrition without taurine from animal food sources. Humans just need stuff which is more difficult to concentrate in a vegetarian diet, such as iodine (plentiful in seafood), vitamin B12 (animal and fermented food sources), and a certain minimum amount of protein (beans, nuts, etc.).
6. Like most (all?) non-aquatic mammals, we have a weak diving reflex.
7. We are the only non-birds that are habitually bipedal (it's our default form of locomotion) and walk or run rather than hopping like kangaroos.
8. It should be fairly obvious that we're strangely hairless even by primate standards.
9. I wasn't able to find the right combination of Google keywords to confirm or deny this, but I read somewhere that our bipedal gait allows us to use a larger proportion of our strength than a quadruped can when pulling because we can more effectively lean forward to translate "lift the body up" musculature into "push the body forward" effects. (eg. as seen in pictures of soldiers having to use their own muscle to pull out mired vehicles and, in the process, leaning forward at near a 45° angle, relying on the tension in the rope to keep them from falling over.)
Also, while not really relevant to a tactfully-written story about a male character:
10. Jared Diamond's book, The Third Chimpanzee points out that sexual selection has resulted in human breast and penis size being massively increased (relative to the rest of the body) compared to other species.
11. According to Wikipedia, only primates, several species of bats, and elephant shrews have a menstrual cycle.
12. Most species know when they're fertile. Humans and a few others (eg. vervet monkeys) are rare examples of concealed ovulation. (This is why bonobos can be so freely sexually active without having a population boom.) One hypothesis for this is that it
As a species, we're really quite an interesting mix of uncommon traits.
6910027 i dont has TS 2012
6910404 nope, yo only have Trainz :P (the secret DA stalker)
To the story, I liked the old ending better, because I just had laugh and I love to laugh, since my life is boring monotone and a lot of other unfunny things. So I like stories that are funny, silly, that go overboard, on the other side of course it didn't really fit with the story and the new ending is still very good and I like it.
6910207 You uh. Kind of also forgot the name of the topic of the story. xD There are tags for a reason. I mean, if anything, the main character's kinda been a bit too... nonchalant about the whole thing. I'd at least take a few days to get over the sheer *boredom* factor, and need my mind to be preoccupied. (At least hes' got his engine.)
Otherwise it'd flick back to, 'What would I do?' I'd be bored because I'm usually playing a game or something, but then have to deal with walking around leaving me to my thoughts, aka circular thinking.
I mean, if anything suddenly seeing "It's time for sexy times soon." would probably make me go, "... yeah okay." and jump out the window, in a joking manner, which would feel better in the current chapter. Heck the next two chapters or so would be 'getting over social norms.' Not to mention that, while he may be out of shape, I'm pretty sure that he either forgot, or didn't know, that Humans are endurance runners, and at a steady pace (depending on fitness) can go for a long, long time. Much longer than most equines. (Unless I'm mistaken, but again, my major was HA&P, not Vet) So basically talking that up would've been fun, as well as discussing social norms, why there are clothing statutes in place, etc.
Maybe I'm just a super fan of First Contact stories and I'm dragging this along behind me. I dunno. :B
It would be quite funny if he gives a pony ear rubs, only to see them fall prey to his touch and kick a rear leg as a dog would. because Flutters is a closet pet, wanting to be treated like one. :P
Lets see where you take things then
6630194 There isn't anymore, he took it off for some reason
6910474
yea i did forget, but oh well
i agree with you because i cant think of a way to further this conversation
lets uh
lets just wait for the next chapter...
6910445 YOU ARE A SPY!
6910589
It will be added back when the story calls for it to be added, my friend.
6910207 Hah, actually, thinking back onto it, I would've had there be a minor 'comical' moment of the Nurse questioning her prettiness, or if there's something wrong with her .. down there. *insert "Freshness" commercial here*
So, Sunset.... do you like trains?
6910714 HQ, my cover has been blown, I need transport immediatly.
update?
plane on easter?
No need for showers? I call hax!
7076724 HACKERS! VALVE MAKE A PATCH FOR THIS!
That personal endurance test...why do I have a bad feeling about that?
Meanwhile, back in the Equestria Girls' universe...
"We spent so much money on the crown for this year's fall formal, and now it's gone!" The fashionista dramatically fell to the ground, just to be saved from ruining her beautiful image by a group of several boys, holding onto her as if she were crowd-surfing at Comic Con.
"And where's Sunset Shimmer? She's been missin' for quite a while now. That's awfully suspicious if ya ask me."
"Ooh! Maybe she was from another dimension that you could only access from a mirror on their side and our school's statue on ours and was going back for some petty revenge by swapping our crown for one of their princess' which actually turns out to be some sort of powerful magic artifact and the whole reason why we spent so much money on said crown was because it had to look just like the princess', but the plan was going to fail and she would be pursued back to our side of the mirror and their princess would follow her in order to reclaim it under the guise of a new student and-mmf!"
"That's enough, Pinkie. Fluttershy's seizing up trying to follow what the heck you're saying!" The athlete gestures behind her, where AJ and a few other students are trying to stabilize a shaking Fluttershy foaming at the mouth.
"...Eheheh. Whoops."
7482355
You never saw the original testing chapter did you?