• Published 28th Aug 2015
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The Pinkie Parable - RQK



Pinkie Pie prevents the story's narrator from telling a story about her. It's all downhill from there.

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I. Pinkie Pie Disobeys The Narrator

Pinkamena Diane Pie, known as Pinkie Pie by all, shot up in her bed. She fought with her naturally curly mane, whipping it into a facsimile of a shape, and then she looked out the window. A stream of sunlight filtered in through the shutters and hit her in the face, feeding her just enough energy to yawn.

“Today’s gunna be a fun day!” she declared.

Gummy, her pet alligator, looked up at her from the table on the other side of the room. He blinked once, licked himself, and then fell back asleep.

Pinkie Pie hopped out of bed and arched her back, stretched the last of the Z’s out of her. She pronked through her bedroom door and slid down the stairs, arriving in the kitchen faster than one could say “cupcake”. She threw herself together a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee and as she sat herself at the table, Pinkie Pie glanced out the window and grinned.

Today, she was going to Twilight Sparkle’s palace. There, she would hang out with her bestest friends in the whole wide world.

There would be so much to do at the castle, or perhaps there would be nothing at all. She didn’t mind since she had never had a problem with figuring things out before. And, after all, her friends would not mind either, since sometimes simply being together was its own reward.

As she ate, her eyes remained fixed on the sunlight outside.

After placing her used dishes in the sink, Pinkie Pie took one look at the clock. She still had time. She needed it. After all, even after a perfect breakfast, there was still the matter of hygiene.

So Pinkie Pie trotted back up the stairs and into her washroom where she took a few minutes to clean her teeth. One brushing of her teeth and then a mouthwash later, she examined her sparkling whites in the mirror, allowing her smile to grow even wider as she drank in her good work. Before she left, she sprinkled some water over herself to rejuvenate her mane and tail, even if they would remain tangled as they were meant to be.

She was ready. She returned to the clock downstairs. Surely, the others were on their way over to the castle by now.

Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. She looked out across the plaza and into Ponyville, watching as a few ponies strolled about in the morning air. She took in a deep breath, reveling in the perfect air of a perfect day.

And with that, Pinkie Pie stepped out the door and into the fresh air of Ponyville.

“Wait a second!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “I almost forgot!” She then bolted back into the house.

Pinkie Pie... did not step out into the fresh air of Ponyville, instead stepping back in in order to take care of whatever it was that she had forgotten.

She reappeared moments later with a flute in her grasp. “How could I almost forget?” she asked aloud.

...Yes, how could she almost forget her musical instrument? Even though her activities at Twilight’s castle would likely not require it, she grabbed it anyways.

Stashing it within her cotton-candy-shaped mane, Pinkie Pie stepped out the door and into the fresh air of Ponyville.

As Pinkie Pie looked up, she noticed the clear blue skies above. She couldn’t find a single cloud. Of course, there had been no clouds scheduled for the day, and so it would remain bright and sunny for the entire day.

She passed by humble building after humble building, waving at every pony that crossed her path and then some. As the warm summer sun beat down on her, a cool breeze swept through the streets to offset it, keeping her at a perfect temperature.

Pinkie Pie briefly stopped to talk to Cheerilee who, with a saddlebag on her back, was making her way toward the schoolhouse. The two exchanged pleasantries before Pinkie Pie gave birthday wishes to Cheerilee to forward to her friend.

“I mean,” Pinkie Pie said, “because then she can forward it to her uncle, because his former roommate has a little bitty colt and it’s his first birthday today!”

And, again, Pinkie Pie’s encyclopedic knowledge of all of the ponies in Ponyville, or Equestria for that matter, proved to be of use, so that she could wish Cheerilee’s friend’s uncle’s former roommate’s young son a happy first birthday.

Cheerilee laughed. “Okay Pinkie Pie, I’ll tell him! Thanks!”

“Have a good day at school, Cheerilee!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she continued down the street.

As Pinkie Pie pronked along, waving at even more ponies as she went, she hung a left, and then a right. Just like she knew the ponies of Ponyville like she did her own cutie mark, so too did she know the town of Ponyville.

And she was on precisely the street that she wanted to be on, for it would take her straight to Twilight’s castle. Therefore, Pinkie Pie stayed on the street.

Pinkie Pie hummed to herself and then dove into an alleyway.

…Pinkie Pie decided to take a detour. After all, there were many routes that would take her to Twilight’s castle. She hadn’t gone down this street in quite some time. As she went, she could smell the roses in Caramel’s flower box. It had been worth the detour.

But, as it turned out, there were other things in her path as well. Pinkie Pie had to navigate around a hay cart, which took up the majority of the alleyways’ path. Pinkie Pie leapt over it with a “Wheee!” and landed squarely on the other side.

Alas, the detour had to end. The alleyway opened up into an entire street, of which Pinkie Pie traveled down. This street contained more hustle and bustle than the other parts of Ponyville in the morning as various vendors set up their shops.

From there, a simple route lay ahead of her. Like before, the approaching street would take her straight to Twilight’s castle. At the intersection, Pinkie Pie turned left, where the street would take her north all the way to the castle.

Pinkie Pie took a right at the intersection, heading southward.

That… was not the correct way to Twilight’s castle. In fact, by the route she had taken, Pinkie Pie was making no effort to make her way to Twilight’s castle. Her route would instead take her to the Carousel Boutique.

Why would Pinkie Pie ever go there? The story is definitely not located at Rarity’s house. No, The Pinkie Parable is, one hundred percent, located at Twilight’s castle.

“I’m going to Rarity’s house!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

Yes, yes, you are going to Rarity’s house. You are going to the Carousel Boutique. If that wasn’t already apparent before.

“Yippee!” Pinkie Pie cheered.

…As Pinkie Pie traveled onward, she noticed something peculiar. The ponies around her, instead of their usual morning smiles, gave her odd looks as she passed. In fact, they almost seemed disturbed. Probably because she was going in the wrong direction.

“La lala lala!” Pinkie Pie sang as she went along.

But, as Pinkie was on some sort of mission to reach the Carousel Boutique, she ignored them. Their stares and frowns fell on blind eyes as she trotted merrily along.

Soon enough, Pinkie Pie reached the Carousel Boutique. The tall, rounded structure drew her in with its diamond-patterned siding and the elegant, sweeping shapes of its architecture. Pinkie Pie found the door unlocked and she let herself inside.

Naturally, since The Pinkie Parable takes place at Twilight’s castle and not Carousel Boutique, Pinkie Pie found the place completely empty. Nopony was there.

“Oh, I knew that nopony was here,” Pinkie Pie said. “I’m just here to collect Rarity’s hats.”

Hats?

“Yeah! I had to make sure that Rarity brought all of her hats,” Pinkie Pie said as she made her way toward a chest on the other side of the room.

Yes, but you see, Pinkie, if you had just allowed me to tell the story, I would have personally seen to it that Rarity would not have forgotten her hats.

“But that’s boooring!”

Boring?

“Yeah! Boooring! Just cause, you know, everything’s been all peachy clean and sparkling and… hmmmm…” Pinkie Pie stopped to count something on her hooves. “Yeah, as you put it, ‘perfect.’“

Well? What do you have against a perfectly normal story?

Pinkie Pie reached back into the chest and fished for hats. “Because I don’t think you can do it right. See, a good story has conflict. Suspense! Drama! And I didn’t see any of that when I left Sugar Cube Corner earlier!”

I was building up it.

“I don’t think Cheerilee had anything to do with anything...”

I was setting the scene.

Pinkie Pie continued to fish around the chest, yanking out several hats as she went. “Then why didn’t you set the scene at the castle or something. Gosh, mister!”

Ah, but Pinkie, setting the scene this way gives context. It paints a picture, meant to show how great life in Ponyville is. It’s meant to contrast what comes later.

I know you’re looking for excitement here, so I’ll tell you what; why don’t you step back outside and head on over to Twilight’s Castle, just like the story calls for. And in return, I will try to make my… setup… as exciting as possible. What do you say?

Pinkie Pie took all of the hats that she had collected, stuffed them into a saddlebag, and then sat back. “Hmmmmmmmmm,” she hummed as she did the straps.

Just trust me, I think you’ll have a great deal of fun with it.

Pinkie Pie nodded. “Oakie dokie lokie! Hit me with your best shot!” she exclaimed as she slipped the saddlebag on.

Excellent. Here we go, take two. …Pinkie Pie stepped over to the front door of Carousel Boutique. And then she stepped into the fresh air of Ponyville once more.

Crossing into Ponyville proper, Pinkie Pie passed many ponies, all with bright sparkling smiles stretched across their faces. “Good morning!” they cheered. No, they sang.

“Good morning!” Pinkie Pie replied back.

As she went along she noticed ponies of all colors and sorts bounding through the air. They looked jolly with the way they cartwheeled and barrel-rolled and somersaulted, exclaiming in delight with each turn. Others then took to throwing streamers into the air.

Soon enough, Pinkie Pie found herself dancing to their rhythm. She bounced along with a blissful smile, bobbing with each step.

“It’s a perfect day!” they sang. “A perfect perfect day!

“So grand and spectacular, that’s what we say!

“There is no doubt, no doubt that this is the way!

“And now here we shout! We shout we shout ‘Horray!’”

Their songs continued, carrying over from pony to pony, from street to street. Ponies burst through closed windows, hanging out the sides as they offered their own voices to the mix. More ponies joined in, forming a parade behind Pinkie Pie as she continued on.

If was almost as if the entire town was caught celebrating. And why not? Life in Equestria was grand and joyous, and without a single thing to taint the day, there was much to sing about.

And really, how could one ignore something so fun, so peppy, and so exciting?

“Needs more excitement!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she dipped into another alleyway.

More exciting you say? You mean, the singing number and mass dancing wasn’t good enough for you?

“No sir-ee!”

Very well… Pinkie Pie continued down the alleyway, and even then the singing reached her and rang in her ears. In fact, the alleyway’s acoustics amplified it.

And when she emerged, the masse of ponies, double the size of the one before, swept her up. Together, they processed through the streets as their numbers, antics, and song crescendo’d.

Their thundering hooves drove on in on, shaking the entire town to its core. Pairs of pegasi ran banners displaying all sorts of shapes and colors, combined together to represent smiles.

Rockets took to the air, leaving towered jet tails behind then. And after a few seconds, each exploded into a bright myriad of reds and greens and even oranges, each punctuated with a loud boom!

The town rocked with almost enough energy to leap out of the ground. Streamers and confetti rained down in such quantities that it blotted out the sunlight. But the confetti, all made of a reflective material, sparkled in recompense, gaining ooos and ahhhs.

“Now that’s a little more like it,” Pinkie Pie said. She ambled over to a nearby bench and took a seat, pulling an orange out of her mane. “I think I’m gunna sit here and watch for a while. This is a lot of fun!”

Pinkie Pie, let me remind you that we do have a story to get through. We definitely should be moving on our way.

“Nah.”

…Pinkie.

“This is way better than anything you probably had planned,” Pinkie Pie giggled. “I wanna see where this goes!”

Unfortunately, I will have to cut all of this short. I did it to make this somewhat exciting after all, but I still aim to complete the story.

Pinkie Pie pouted. “That’s that a load of patooty. I demand a Grand Finale!”

Now now…

“Grand Finale!” she exclaimed, banging her hooves like a tantruming toddler, “Grand Finale! Grand Finale!”

…Alright. You know what? Fine. If you want to have a Grand Finale, then we’ll do a Grand Finale. I think I might know of something that should take this extravaganza into the stratosphere, just as you want it. I hope that, certainly, it should be enough to satiate your appetite. Then perhaps we will finally be able to get on with the story.

In that moment, a flash of light emanated from the street in front of her. Within moments, a large creature appeared within the shop. Said creature could not be defined by one simple word, for he was many things. With the paw of a lion, the antler of a deer, and dozens of appendages from dozens of other animals, he was a mishmash of many things. He appeared coiled around a cart-sized bottle of mustard.

Pinkie Pie gasped, shooting to her hooves. “Discord!?”

“Well hello, Pinkie Pie!” he exclaimed as he reached into the bottle of mustard and retrieved a handful of pancake syrup. With a snap of his fingers he gave one of the nearby houses a pair of legs. The building sprang up and then charged down the street and then out of sight.

“Discord!?” Pinkie Pie cried. “What are you doing here?”

“Why, I’m here to top all of this off,” he replied, stuffing the syrup into his mouth and then started chewing. A crunch came forth with each bite he took like he had picked the hardest piece of bread he could find.

“Are you suuuuure that’s what you’re here for?” Pinkie Pie asked, glaring inquisitively.

Discord paused, considering her for moment moments. “I would suppose so,” Discord replied, shrugging. “I mean, why else would the narrator bring me here?”

Not wanting to waste any more time, Discord snapped his fingers, and Pinkie Pie lifted off the ground. Together, Discord and Pinkie Pie, along with several other objects, floating above the town. They floated just high enough to get a decent view of all of the streets, all of the alley ways, even as a few choice ponies flew up with them to keep the song going.

And even as Discord flew along, a trail of rainbow butterflies streamed off of him. Pinkie Pie reached out and tasted one of them. They tasted like a metal doorknob.

Discord threw his head back and laughed.

Soon enough, Discord spun around, summing up his own set of flares. They raced into the sky, spiraling around and around and around again until finally, they exploded. Much like the fireworks from before but their booms lit the landscape, sending waved of color sliding across the terrain. The explosions themselves erupted into storm clouds, spewing chocolate rain which Pinkie Pie happily lapped up. The music reached its forte, the jaunty tune taking off running and plowing through several triplets as it neared the big finish.

Discord snapped his fingers and one final volley shot up, higher and higher into the sky, even higher than they flew. It rose and rose and then, finally, it exploded into a plethora of cheerfully pink sparks. The booming report was punctuated by a single solitary cheer from the ponies below.

And with that done, Discord flew back down and set Pinkie Pie down on the ground so that they, together, could look up at that last firework. The visage of Pinkie Pie’s face smiled back down at them, crackling and sparkling all the while.

Truly, a wonderful Grand Finale for all involved.

“That was it?” Pinkie Pie asked.

Well yes, of course.

“…Oh, okay.”

…You didn’t like it?

Pinkie Pie hummed, mulling it over. “I mean, I guess I expected a little more than that, just ‘cause you brought Discord here.”

“I too quite agree,” Discord said. “That was a terrible waste of my potential.”

I can’t very well go crazy here because then it would undermine the rest of the story. But Discord allows me to do things that I might not otherwise be able to do.

Discord nodded, smirking proudly. “I suppose that makes sense.” And then he blinked. “Wait… hmmmm…”

Pinkie Pie rolled out of Discord’s invisible gasp and, after dusting herself off, she smiled. “Okay, okay. I’m going to go home now.”

…Going home? Oh, wait! You can’t do that!

“Whaaaaaaat?” Pinkie Pie complained.

You can’t! Remember? I said that if I did this for you, you would go to Twilight’s Castle?”

Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yeah.”

You promised that if I made this as exciting as I could, we could then continue with the story that I had previously been working on.

Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Mister Narrator, I wanted you to give me your best shot, and… weeellllll, your best shot wasn’t really all that good.”

…Pinkie Pie.

“Hold on a second!” Discord interrupted, his eyes blazing. He teleported in front of Pinkie Pie, planting both of his lower appendages into the ground. “You mean to tell me… that none of this was part of the story at all?”

Pinkie Pie giggled. “No sir!”

He pointed to himself. “And I’m not even supposed to be in this story? Me!? Discord!?”

Well…

“Mister Narrator…” Pinkie Pie warned.

Technically, no. Although you are here now.

Discord stood there for many moments, and annoyed and dumbstruck frown on his face. And then his body turned red; it started from his tail and worked its way up to his head. When it got there, smoke poured out of his ears, his teeth gnashed together until finally, Discord exploded. His head landed right in front of Pinkie Pie, a big scowl plastered across it.

Now Discord…

“I mean,” Discord’s head continued, “I feel cheated!”

“You and me both,” Pinkie Pie agreed.

Well, now hold on just a moment. That isn’t exactly fair either.

Discord’s head snorted as his body reached down and grabbed it.

I know I had no place for you in my actual story, and for that you have my deepest apologies.

“Okay, just a minute, let’s get one thing straight; I’m perfectly fine not being in a story,” Discord’s head said before his body screwed it back on. He then disappeared in a flash of light before reappearing with a hard hat on his head. “But I was on vacation! I was having a whale of a time, watching these red-and-blue-colored primates fighting over gravel. I left all of that for this because I thought I was needed here. But noooooo, I wasn’t actually part of this story one bit!”

Oh, well… I am terribly sorry, but I did what I had to.

“You brought me here even though I have no reason to be here,” he growled as he conjured a red toolbox and threw it to the ground.

Well, again, I had to. This is a story about Pinkie Pie and she was preventing me from telling the story. She has not obeyed a word that I have said up until this point and I can’t very well finish the story without her.

Discord’s eye twitched, his breath became hot. He shot a piercing glare down at Pinkie Pie, who gave him an innocent shrug and a wide smile in response.

Discord threw both paw and claw into the air with an exasperated yell. He then reached into his hat and pulled out the wrench just as the toolbox on the ground sprang open. Several metal parts grew out of it. And Discord whacked at the budding structure with his wrench.

I’m not the one to blame here. There are readers out there that have come here expecting a story, and it reflects badly on me if we cannot see it to its ultimate conclusion.

Discord continued whacking at the budding building with his wrench, even as it folded out and grew several knobs and a canister on the side. A screen on the front lit up, topped by a scrawling heading that read Provisions. “Fine, whatever,” he finally grumbled at length.

“Oooo,” Pinkie Pie cooed, poking at the building.

Discord shoved himself into her face, “And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you young mare. What exactly did you think you were doing?”

Pinkie’s feigned smile grew even wider but even then sweat formed on her brow. “Well, I didn’t want to do anything.”

“You should know better. We’re characters, do you not remember? We are supposed to follow the narrative. But here you are, doing whatever you darn well please.”

“But the story is really awful though!” Pinkie Pie cried.

Oh come on! You haven’t even seen the rest of it!

“He’s right you know. And even if it is,” he said adding a “and it might be” under his breath, “it’s not our job to judge. We’re just supposed to go with it. Why, if we just did whatever we wanted everything would be chaos.”

Pinkie Pie raised an eyebrow. “Oh, it would?"

Discord paused. He pulled at his beard, humming thoughtfully all the while. And then a light bulb appeared above his head. He looked up at that, admired it, and then stashed it under his hard hat. Both that hat and the building that he had just erected disappeared in a flash of white.

What are you thinking right now?

Discord snapped his fingers. “Right then. I think what we need to do is convince you that the story doesn’t, shall we say, suck. Don’t you agree, Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Hey, if it works.”

“Splendid, I’m glad you agree!” he exclaimed, clapping. He snapped his fingers again and a pink, hard-bound book appeared within his grasp. He opened it, conjured some reading glasses, adjusted them once, and started glancing through several pages, occasionally humming with intrigue.

Pinkie Pie tilted her head. “What’s that?” she asked.

Discord snapped the book shut and nodded. “I think this will do. Here, this is for you,” he said, sticking it into her mane.

Pinkie Pie squeeled in response.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me,” he said, conjuring a juice box, sunglasses, and a flower shirt, “I must be off. I think right now those primates are trying to push carts around and I don’t want to miss it.”

Very well, take care of yourself.

Pinkie Pie waved. “Goodbye Discord!”

Discord grinned before collapsing into a single point before that too disappeared with a pop.

And so now you are left with a book.

“I am left with a book,” Pinkie Pie concurred, digging it out of her mane.

I would really like to know what that book is so I’m going to cut right to the chase. Pinkie Pie examined the binding, noting the cool leather binding. She flipped the book over to look at the cover page. The book was titled, let’s see… The Pinkie Parable.

Oh dear…

Oh dear… that can’t be right.

Pinkie Pie gasped. “Woah!”

Oh my word! That just cannot be right...

Pinkie Pie held up the book in question. “Mister Narrator? Is this the story that I’m in right now?”

It certainly is, Pinkie Pie, and you mustn’t read that!

“Awwwwwwww? Why not?”

…Ah. Well… That book shouldn’t even exist in the first place. Wherever did Discord get it? I mean, that story is this story so how…?

“I’m gunna read through this!” Pinkie Pie cheered.

You are…? Wait! Hold on a second! Pinkie, I do not think that would be a good idea!

“But I wanna know what’s going to happen to me in this story. I have to see if it’s good or not, remember?”

I have to impress upon you that if you read through the sections of that story that we haven’t completed yet, you will spoil it for yourself. Probably even more than that, you might cause a contradiction! Do you really want to do that?

“Don’t worry mister mcworrypants,” she said, beating her chest, “I’ll be a-okay!”

If you insist…

Pinkie Pie flipped open the first page of The Pinkie Parable. Her readings took her along a journey in which she traveled through Ponyville, detoured to Rarity’s house, went back outside and had a party, had a finale with Discord, watched Discord get angry, got a book with Discord, and then started reading the book.

She then read this sentence.

After that, Pinkie Pie read about her day at Twilight’s castle. She read about the shenanigans that she and her friends would have over a mid-morning snack, which would culminate with a frenzy of whipped cream. After that, it became a contest of who could be the best Pinkie Pie. Besides Pinkie Pie herself of course. But, when it reminded Pinkie Pie of some of her lesser times, they would all come to her comfort. This would lead to Pinkie Pie to talk about her past.

Truly, The Pinkie Parable was a story about Pinkie Pie after all.

After that, Pinkie Pie stood up and placed The Pinkie Parable on the ground, not to look at it again. And with that, Pinkie Pie decided that she would go to the Castle, where she would meet with her friends.

“Okay!” Pinkie Pie said, standing up with a cheerful grin. “Now that I know what all’s gunna happen… I’m gunna go to the Everfree Forest.”

Yes! She would go to… Wait, I’m sorry?

Pinkie Pie whirled around and started skipping toward the southern end of town, well away from Twilight’s Castle.

Oh. For. The. Love. Of. Celestia.

“La la la la la!”

I just… I just… I really have no words. Why are you not going to Twilight’s Castle? Didn’t you just read the story? The story is over there!

“Wellllll,” Pinkie Pie hummed, “actually, I don’t really wanna go there anymore.”

Oh come on! I can’t believe after all of that you still refuse to go through with my story!

“Well, I know what’s gunna happen over there now, so I kinda lost all of my interest in going over there.”

...

I have no words.

Pinkie Pie threw her head back and laughed. “Sooorry! But I’m gunna go play in the Everfree Forest for a while. La la la!”

…I don’t.

Okay, you know what? Fine. You go there. You go to the Everfree Forest and do whatever it is that you want to do in there. Please, take your time.

“Oakie dokie lokie!”

Pinkie Pie pronked along and along. She pronked along past Ponyville’s city limits, where house after house gave way to a solitary path through greened pastures. She pronked over a bridge over a creek, peering into the sparkling water flowing below. She pronked until she reached a wall of drooping trees and unkempt shrubbery.

She pronked inside, following the dirt path as it snaked through the wood. As it traveled up hills and down into valleys, curved left and right, Pinkie Pie kept to it. Finally however the path disappeared entirely, leaving Pinkie Pie at the whim of low-hanging vines and whatever else lie in wait.

Pinkie Pie continued along, unfazed. “Hey Mister Narrator!” she called. “You wanna describe this? That’s probably something you’re good at doing. Well do ya?”

No.

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Suit yourself!”

She continued on, crossing a shallow and calm river and prancing through the trees. The chirps of far off birds echoed off of the trees and here and there the pockets in the canopy amplified the sun’s rays, forming beams of light that touched the ground.

Eventually, the trees themselves gave. A rope bridge spanned a deep gorge in front of her, swaying about in a light breeze. The terrain picked back up just after that and from there is form a straight shot to a new structure.

Pinkie Pie looked up at the ruined structure. Several bricks were missing and several others had cracks running right through them. The remains of a tower sunbathed under a lonely tree while the rest of the castle pranced off in the opposite direction. A pair of wooden double doors guarded it all, stopping the dirt path in its tracks.

…The Castle of the Two Sisters? You came here?

Pinkie Pie giggled. “I guess I did!”

Well that… certainly is a place to go. Out of all of the Everfree, you seemed to come straight here.

“I guess I did! La la la!”

I see.

As Pinkie Pie approached the doorway, her hooves digging into the dirt, she looked up and down the late yet still magnificent structure ahead of her. To think that some long time before, she and her best friends had saved the world and in doing so had sparked the greatest friendship that Equestria had ever seen.

Pinkie Pie smiled. “Yepperoni! Hey! You’re narrating again!”

Yes, yes I am. Pinkie Pie climbed the steps and placed her hoof on the door but did not open, instead taking a moment to admire the oaken build, the immaculate brace design.

“You got some pep in that step? Huh?”

Yes, yes I have. Do you want to know why, Pinkie Pie?

Pinkie Pie considered it. “Yeeeeeah. Why?”

Because I am the narrator of the story. I am the narrator. And I am bathed in immense power!

“Uh-huh…”

And I’m going to prove it to you. I’m going to prove it. I hope you’re ready.

As Pinkie Pie placed her hoof on the door’s handle to go inside, she remembered a crucial detail: the party was not at Twilight’s Castle. Rather, they had all agreed to meet up at the Castle of the Two Sisters, just to spice things up.

Pinkie Pie frowned. “…What!?”

And so, when Pinkie Pie opened the door into the large chamber, she found her five friends, engaged in a delightful little conversation that had happened to culminate in a round of laughter just as she arrived. The creaking door registered and all at once, the glanced over in her direction.

“Oh hey!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, leaping to her hooves. “Pinkie’s here.”

Pinkie Pie gasped. “Ooooh, hi!” she said, trotting over toward them.

Twilight Sparkle stood up and cantered over. “I’m glad you finally made it Pinkie. I was starting to get a little worried there.”

“Darn tootin’,” Applejack agreed. “Usually you’re here quicker than we are.”

Pinkie Pie blinked, considered the five of them, and then sighed. “…Okay Mister Narrator, you win this round.”

“I think Spike’s just finishing up downstairs,” Twilight said. At that, the six of them moved into a nearby hallway like a singular pack. While Pinkie Pie drew the rear, she was as involved as any of in the small talk that they made as they went along. Most of it was about the previous few days and the small things. Rarity talked about Sweetie Belle’s latest attempt at cooking, shuddering all the while. And Fluttershy detailed her exploits in treating a bear and his cramped back.

A staircase and another hall greeted them, the décor increasingly archaic, but thanks to their efforts, only had a thin layer of dust to show for it.

They made their way into the once dining hall to find Spike practically dancing around the room’s circular table, setting up a half-dozen spreads around the center, which hosted four steaming pumpkin pies.

As he finished, he looked up. “Oh, good. You all made it.”

“Looks like we timed it perfectly,” Twilight replied.

“You bet. Allll finished,” he said as he took off his apron and dusted his hands complete of debris.

Applejack took a whiff of the provoking pumpkin aroma. “Hooo wheeee! That smells mighty good.”

Spike laughed proudly as he dusted his hands off before he grabbed one of the pies. “Welp,” he announced, “I’m gunna go sit down with the new Spider Mare issue.”

Twilight nodded. “You do that. Thanks.”

With that, Spike took his pie and all but ran through the doors and down the hall.

“He sure loves his comic books, does he not?” Rarity said with a chuckle as she sat down at the table.

Fluttershy giggled as she took her own seat. “I think it’s really cute.”

Twilight dug out some pieces of pie for herself and she shrugged. “Well, it’s helped us before, so…”

The others hummed affirmatively as they all grabbed pieces for themselves.

Rainbow Dash eyed the several cans of whipped cream in the center of the table. “Pass me some of that, would ya?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Here,” Twilight said, levitating the spray can over.

Rainbow Dash scooped it out of the air and sprayed whipped cream onto the top of her cake. As a sizable mound formed, she took the can and looked it over. Her eyes drifted to Applejack, who sat next to her.

In a single movement, Rainbow Dash leaned over and sprayed some whipped cream onto Applejack’s back.

Applejack leapt several feet into the air. “Hey now!” Applejack cried. “Cut that out!”

Rainbow Dash snickered in response and proceeded to unleash the entire can onto Applejack.

“You varmit!” Applejack exclaimed as she swiped her hoof across the table, reaching for something. Her hoof fell on another one of the cans of whipped cream. “Two can play that game, Rainbow Dash!” she said before unleashing her own can at the pegasus.

Rainbow Dash reeled backwards but not without laughing. As she did, she fell into Twilight.

Twilight recoiled at that, and drew a line with her eyes back toward Applejack, who met her piercing gaze and buckled.

She grinned and magically lifted another can of whipped cream. “Now I get it. This is why anypony would need that much whipped cream,” she said before unleashing a stream of white fluff at Applejack.

Pinkie Pie jumped onto the table. “Whipped cream fight!” she exclaimed.

As the four of them shot whipped cream at each other, Rarity ducked under the table and curled up into a ball, all the while yelling at how uncouth they were behaving. Fluttershy, meanwhile, looked on from behind a juice box, smiling like an entertained spectator all the while.

Even after exhausting several cans, the four continued at each other with varied results. The whipped cream splattered onto everything but the pies themselves.

But eventually the cans ran out and the four mares sat there, laughing between themselves.

“See,” Twilight said, “it’s funny because the Pinkie Pie at Canterlot high had a bunch of whipped cream in her fridge.”

Rarity reappeared from under the table with one eyebrow raised higher than the other. “Well, yes… that does… certainly sound like something Pinkie Pie would do…”

“So we all channeled Pinkie Pie there for a second, huh?” Twilight said.

Rainbow Dash chuckled. “I have an idea,” she said with a mischievous grin. “Let’s see who can be the best Pinkie Pie.”

The other girls giggled in response.

Even Pinkie Pie giggled. “Silly!” she exclaimed, pointing to herself “I’m the best Pinkie Pie! Because Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie!”

“Second-best Pinkie Pie!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Yeah, I guess. Second-best Pinkie.”

“You do that,” Rarity said with a flat, unamused tone. “I’ll just watch.”

“I don’t think I’d be very good at it…” Fluttershy said with a blush.

“Just the three of us then?” Applejack asked.

“That’s what it looks like,” Twilight said as she cantered over to Pinkie Pie. “And you… you’ll be our judge, right?”

Pinkie Pie looked between the three of them as they looked back at her expectedly. She wasn’t sure how she felt having them try to do impressions of her. Could that really end well? Would it make her aware of habits of hers that she wasn’t proud of?

The other three waited on her to respond. “Right?” Twilight asked with a big toothy grin across her face.

Knowing she had to respond, Pinkie Pie considered it. A contest on who could capture her best. Twilight was asking her to essentially judge herself.

Pinkie Pie smiled back… and punched Twilight Sparkle in the jaw, causing the mare to fall to the floor, unconscious.

NO.

The air roared in disapproval before the entire castle exploded in a flash of shards. Pieces of table and floor ripped away and vanished as the ponies around it, sitting equally motionless, disintegrated into piles of dust that blew away in an unseen wind. Everything around Pinkie Pie floated away into an eternally white void. Absent was the rest of Ponyville. Absent were the ponies within it. The report lasted for a long while as object after object disappeared, imploding out of existence.

In the end, only Pinkie Pie remained.

You… you… you…

“Whaaat?”

Now you’ve gone and done it! You’ve more than disobeyed; you directly contradicted what was set out for you! I told you: you had to obey the narrative to the letter!

“Where am I?”

You destroyed the entire world via narrative contradiction! You made it impossible for the story to happen! And look at what that’s done!

I worked so hard on it! It took me a very long time just to put seven thousand and ten words together and you smote all of it in a single moment! You have… you really don’t care for my narrative, do you?

Pinkie Pie snorted. “Well, maybe I didn’t like the story you had going for me!”

I had a story! I had one! You might have even liked it! I don’t know. There’s no way to tell now because you’ve up and destroyed all of it!

Oh… my story… It’s completely unusable. I can’t very well put the world back together… It’s all destroyed, all ruined.

Well then Pinkie Pie… I suppose I’ll just have to leave you here. Since I can’t get you to do anything I ask and since rebuilding the world is out of the question, you’re stuck here. I really hope that this is what you wanted all along.

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Eh, I’m not worried. I’ll probably appear in whatever story gets accepted after this one.” She paused, and added, “I think...”

…Yes, you tell yourself that. I’ve half the mind to never write you into any of my stories ever again. I’m certain you won’t give the next author any trouble at all.

I impressed upon you the importance of following the story set out for you. I wrote that entire story just for you, Pinkie Pie, and you went and ran it into the ground. I’m appalled. I’m offended. I made all of this for you and this is how you repay me.

Pinkie Pie smiled. “Don’t you worry your pretty little biscuits, Mister Narrator. You just need a little itsy-bitsy more practice! I’m sure you’ll come up with something really good!” She giggled. “And when that happens, I’ll be soooo there.”

Whatever you say. I’m not really in the mood to hear any more of it. I’m afraid I have to leave you here. Goodbye, Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie Pie nodded. “Oakie dokie lokie! Byyyye!”

And so Pinkie Pie remained in the void. With no one to talk to and nothing to interact there. She stayed there. At least, until the next story came along and sucked her up into it. Maybe it will be a Slice of Life. Or a mature clopfic. There’s no way of knowing now.

The Pinkie Parable drew to a close, forever unfinished yet somehow finished. It finished as Pinkie Pie chose to follow a path far different from the one set out for her. And while she had her fun, there came a point that it went too far. Maybe someday, in some other story, Pinkie Pie will realize how important it is to sometimes follow the path set out for her.

Author's Note:

Here at RQK publications we strive to deliver quality content, and therefore we must apologize for that massive deviation in this story and allowing it to reach such a destroyed state. We have full confidence in our narrators and as such, we fully intend to allow our narrator to attempt the story again at a more convenient time.

Rest assured, Miss Pie is alive and well in her house at Sugar Cube Corner. The town of Ponyville remains intact as well. We have made sure of that.

We are currently investigating the probable cause for Pinkie Pie's behavior during this narrative. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your day.