• Published 28th Aug 2015
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The Pinkie Parable - RQK



Pinkie Pie prevents the story's narrator from telling a story about her. It's all downhill from there.

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II. Pinkie Pie Fights The Narrator

Pinkamena Diane Pie, known as Pinkie Pie by all, shot up in her bed. She fought with her naturally curly mane, whipping it into a facsimile of a shape, and then she looked out the window. A stream of sunlight filtered in through the shutters and hit her in the face, feeding her just enough energy to yawn.

“Today’s gunna be a fun day!” she declared.

Pinkie Pie said nothing. Instead, she sat in her bed and smacked her lips, taking further moments to stretch.

Pinkie Pie wasted no more time and hopped out of bed. She pronked through her bedroom door and slid down the stairs, arriving in the kitchen faster than one could say “cupcake”. She threw herself together a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee and as she sat herself at the table, Pinkie Pie glanced out the window and grinned.

Today, she was going to Twilight Sparkle’s palace. There, she would hang out with her bestest friends in the whole wide world.

There would be so much to do at the castle, or perhaps there would be nothing at all. She didn’t mind since she had never had a problem with figuring things out before. And, after all, her friends would not mind either, since sometimes simply being together was its own reward.

As she ate, her eyes remained fixed on the sunlight outside.

After placing her used dishes in the sink, Pinkie Pie took one look at the clock. She still had time. She needed it. After all, even after a perfect breakfast, there was still the matter of hygiene.

So Pinkie Pie trotted back up the stairs and into her washroom where she took a few minutes to clean her teeth.

Pinkie Pie used her toothbrush to scrub everything but her teeth.

Pinkie Pie had no idea how to employ proper hygienic techniques. A toothbrush, as the name implied, was meant to be used on the teeth. But here, she used it to wash her body. But, in any case, there was still the matter of her mouthwash. Pinkie Pie grabbed the mouthwash out of the cabinet and poured some into her mouth.

Pinkie Pie immediately swallowed it.

What… Did you just swallow that? I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that, you could get sick from that!

Pinkie Pie threw her head back and laughed before dousing herself with a sprinkle of water.

Sigh.

The water rejuvenated her mane and tail, even if they would remain tangled as they were meant to be.

She was ready. She returned to the clock downstairs. Surely, the others were on their way over to the castle by now.

Pinkie Pie grabbed an orange on her way out toward the door, knowing she would need something to mitigate the mouthwash. She placed it inside her mane for safe-keeping.

Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. She looked out across the plaza and into Ponyville, watching as a few ponies strolled about in the morning air. She took in a deep breath, reveling in the perfect air of a perfect day.

And with that, Pinkie Pie stepped out the door and into the fresh air of Ponyville.

As Pinkie Pie looked up, she noticed the clear blue skies above. She couldn’t find a single cloud. Of course, there had been no clouds scheduled for the day, and so it would remain bright and sunny for the entire day.

She passed by humble building after humble building, waving at every pony that crossed her path and then some. As the warm summer sun beat down on her, a cool breeze swept through the streets to offset it, keeping her at a perfect temperature.

Pinkie Pie briefly stopped to talk to Cheerilee who, with a saddlebag on her back, was making her way toward the schoolhouse.

“Hey Cheerilee!” Pinkie Pie greeted.

Cheerilee stopped in her tracks and turned around. “Why hello there Pinkie Pie. Nice day, isn’t it?”

Pinkie Pie looked up at the clear skies above with a contemplative smile on her face. With each passing second the smile faded, but it never turned into a full-on frown. A devilish smirk appeared on her face. “Nope! Today’s not a good day at all!”

Cheerilee jumped. “What… do you mean by that, Pinkie Pie? It looks gorgeous out today.”

“Because you’re not actually saying that!” Pinkie Pie said, pointing an accusing hoof. “You’re under mind control, Cheerilee!”

…Mind control!?

Pinkie Pie retrieved the fruit out of her mane and squished it between her hooves, splattering pulpy juice all over Cherilee. “The power of orange compels you! The power of orange compels you!”

I don’t believe it.

Cheerilee recoiled. “Pinkie! Stop it!’

“I have to break her out of your terribly terrible enchantment!” Pinkie Pie cried as she aimed for Cheerilee’s face. “Don’t worry! I’ll save you!”

Cheerilee scowled. “Not with an orange you’re not!”

“Mind control!”

Okay, this is getting out of hoof. I am ending this now.

Pinkie Pie’s orange quickly ran out of juice, sputtering into a flat and lifeless state. It flopped about within Pinkie Pie’s hooves and she threw it to the ground.

Pinkie Pie threw the orange at Cheerilee’s face. It landed dead-on with a splat.

…That only served to further drive the purple mare further into agitation. For the first time during the entire encounter, a blood vessel appeared on the rim of Cheerilee’s forehead and the mare growled. “Pinkie Pie…” she growled as the fruit slid down her face.

Pinkie Pie gasped. “Nooooooo!” she cried, falling to her forelegs and cursing the heavens. “I need more ammo! I need to find more oranges!”

Cheerilee snorted and shook her head. The schoolteacher turned and without another word stalked down the street, grumbling about having to find something to wash her hair. She disappeared around a corner.

Pinkie Pie leapt to her feet and looked down another street. Her hindlegs wound up and she used the resulting momentum to propel herself forward.

Her route took her away from the castle and away from the story, and yet somehow that was something she was used to doing. Pinkie Pie weaved through street after street, alleyway after alleyway, around cart after cart as she thundered along to an unknown destination.

Pinkie Pie arrived in the marketplace. “Here we go!”

Yes, an entire street dedicated to stalls filled with various wares, most of them of an edible nature. Pony haggled with pony as they negotiated prices. Groceries dropped into bags as bits clinked onto the wooden countertops. A couple of participants—a buyer and a seller—discussed the finer points of vintage records without thought to their current transaction.

But all of the orange vendors were gone; their stalls sat empty, devoid of so much as signage indicating that they were there. Their neighbors took fleeting glances at the empty stalls with slight shakes of their heads before resuming business.

Pinkie Pie frowned. “What…? Where are the oranges at? They’re supposed to be right here!”

“There’s an orange shortage,” said another shopper as she levitated several bags of vegetables behind her.

Pinkie Pie sank to the ground. “Whaaaaat!? No fair! Mister Narrator, that’s… cheating! You’re a cheater cheater pumpkin pie eater!”

Well, I really don’t see how you could break them out of mind control with orange juice, for one. And two, they don’t have the capability to see past their three walls.

Pinkie Pie raised her hoof into the air. “Discord—”

Is a spirit of chaos who prides himself in not making sense.

Pinkie Pie’s cheeks puffed outwards and bits of steam flared out of the ears on the back of her head. “I still think I could do it.” She sighed, “Oh, all those poor ponie-wonies out there that can’t make any choices of their own right now…” she said as she looked out across the street. “Can’t do anything but whatever you come up with…”

Well you see. Pinkie Pie, that is a natural consequence of narrative storytelling. In the end, the characters of a story are just as subject to the narrator’s devices as much as the story itself is.

Pinkie Pie shook her head and silently stared into the ground, her ears pressed against the back of her head.

Don’t feel too bad. Us storytellers really like the characters of this world. That’s why we all came here in the first place.

Well, most of us. I’ve seen the occasional troll fic here and there and I can’t say for certain, but you must trust me Pinkie Pie. We do have your interests in mind.

What’s say we cease these silly things and get on with the story already?

“Well I still don’t like it! Not, one, teensy-eensy-weensy bit!”

I’m most certain that they do want to read the story. Isn’t that right, reader?

“No you don’t.”

Do you want to read my story?

Pinkie Pie jumped into the air. “You don’t have to answer that!” And then, as she landed, she placed a hoof under her muzzle and rubbed it out of thought. “Wait, waitwaitwait. Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait! I just realized something! They can’t answer that anyways! Because they’re stuck behind a screen somewhere. You’re stuck behind a screen! And you’re over there and we’re over here!”

You divined all of that, hmmmm?

“Yeah! Or my middle name isn’t Riddle!”

But… it’s not?

Pinkie Pie blew a raspberry. “Details, Mister Narrator. Details. But,” she said, crossing her forelegs with a smug grin on her face, “I’m really really sure they don’t want to read your story. Because, and I quote, ‘Booooooooooorring!’”

Well… while it is true that we are limited in terms of communication, since they are reading this sentence of narration, I will assume that they said yes.

Pinkie Pie did nothing but let her mouth hit the ground. It did, literally.

That’s a victory for logic, by the way.

In almost an instant, the fluff fell out of Pinkie Pie’s mane. While she didn’t detangle entirely, much of the color from before had drained out of her. An ambient energy, previously present within the imperceptible but constant shudderings of her body, faded away.

Pinkie Pie let her head slump toward the ground with a downtrodden sigh. “Oakie-dokie-lokie…”

I’m glad you’ve come to your senses, Pinkie Pie. And just remember, I do all of this for you. I am hoping that today’s story, in which you go to Twilight’s castle, will be as enjoyable for you as it is developmental. I’d dare say you’ll be very glad you went through this by the time we’re done.

Pinkie Pie stood up straight. Looking around and finding her bearings, she headed through the marketplace. While she could not spot oranges of any kind due to the orange shortage, everything else that she saw was ripe, full of life, hungry for potential customers to come by and scoop them up.

She eventually rounded a corner onto another street, and then a corner after that. Eventually she arrived on the road that would take her all the way to the castle. A large, tree-like structure, whose crystal skeleton sparkled in the sunlight, peered down at her from the horizon, and slowly crept up toward her as she pronked down the street.

Pinkie Pie always liked the sight of the castle. Its bright and vibrant colors and its clean yet abstract design filled her with a warmth every time she looked at it.

As she headed inside the castle, Pinkie Pie saw the equally immaculate insides. The cool floor met her hooves, sending a small pleasurable shiver through her spine. She wandered around an eternally interesting magical map in the throne room and headed up the stairs. And there were still so many things about the castle that she had yet to discover.

Pinkie Pie let of a small giggle at that.

Pinkie Pie made her way through the halls on her way to meet with her friends. At the fork, she took a right toward the dining room.

Soon enough, Pinkie Pie found herself in the dining room. Five ponies sat around the circular table in the center of the room, engaged in idle gossip as they talked about their days.

Rainbow Dash perked up. “Oh hey!” she exclaimed, leaping to her hooves. “Pinkie’s here.”

The other four mares in the room looked over as well and threw their own greetings to her.

“Hey hey hey!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, throwing a wide smile as she joined her bestest friends in the whole wide world at the table.

Twilight Sparkle leaned over the table. “I’m glad you finally made it Pinkie. I was starting to get a little worried there.”

“Darn tootin’,” Applejack agreed. “Usually you’re here quicker than we are.”

Pinkie Pie chuckled. “Yeeeaaaahhhhh I get that a loooot.”

As Pinkie Pie sat down, she noticed that while several cans of whipped cream lay in the center of the table, there was nothing else. “Where’s Spike at?” she asked.

“Oh, he’s fixin’ up some pies,” Applejack replied.

Fluttershy sniffed the air, catching a whiff of the thick aroma that wafted in from the next room. “It sure smells good.”

“Indeed,” Rarity concurred. “My Spiky-wikey is an excellent chef. I’m sure whatever he puts out will be simply divine.”

Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, ignored the whole conversation as she stared into the cans in the center of the table. When everypony wasn’t looking, she grabbed one without making any indication that she had done so before stashing it beneath her seat.

The cyan pegasus checked to make sure she hadn’t been caught before she looked for a potential target. Her eyes eventually settled on Applejack, who sat next to her. She smirked.

In a single movement, Rainbow Dash leaned over and sprayed some whipped cream onto Applejack’s back.

Applejack leapt several feet into the air. “Hey now!” she cried. “Cut that out!”

Rainbow Dash snickered in response and proceeded to unleash the entire can on Applejack.

“You varmit!” Applejack exclaimed as she swiped her hoof across the table, reaching for something. Her hoof fell on another one of the cans of whipped cream. “Two can play that game, Rainbow Dash!” she said before unleashing her own can at the pegasus.

Rainbow Dash reeled backwards but not without laughing. As she did, she fell into Twilight.

Twilight recoiled at that, and drew a line with her eyes back toward Applejack, who met her piercing gaze and buckled.

Twilight grinned mischievously and magically lifted another can of whipped cream. “Now I get it. This is—”

Pinkie Pie snatched the nearest can of whipped cream off of the table and unloaded it into Twilight’s face.

Well. Yes. Uhm, Twilight pawed at her own face in a quick attempt to get the whipped cream off. The others giggled in response.

“Whipped cream fight,” Pinkie Pie said with an excitement akin to Maud Pie.

Eh-hem. As the four of them excitedly shot whipped cream at each other, Rarity ducked under the table and curled up into a ball, all the while yelling at how uncouth they were behaving. Fluttershy, meanwhile, looked on from behind a juice box, smiling like an entertained spectator all the while.

Even after exhausting several cans, the four continued at each other with varied results. But eventually the cans ran out and the four mares sat there, laughing between themselves.

“See,” Twilight said, “it’s funny because the Pinkie Pie at Canterlot High had a bunch of whipped cream in her fridge.”

Rarity reappeared from under the table with one eyebrow raised higher than the other. “Well, yes… that does… certainly sound like something Pinkie Pie would do…”

“So we all channeled Pinkie Pie there for a second, huh?” Twilight said.

Rainbow Dash chuckled. “I have an idea,” she said with a mischievous grin. “Let’s see who can be the best Pinkie Pie.”

The other girls giggled in response.

At that point, Pinkie Pie said, “But I’m Pinkie Pie! And Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie! Accept noooo substitutes!”

Pinkie Pie said nothing.

…I said, Pinkie Pie said, “But I’m Pinkie Pie! And Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie! Accept noooo substitutes!”

Pinkie Pie, again, said nothing. She stared onwards, watching the other five.

…Pinkie Pie remained silent through it all. Therefore, it fell on Fluttershy to voice what was on the tip of everypony’s tongue: “But isn’t Pinkie Pie the best Pinkie Pie? She is Pinkie Pie after all…”

“Well then, how about the second-best Pinkie Pie!?” Twilight exclaimed.

Fluttershy smiled. “I would watch that.”

Rarity cleared her throat, averting her gaze as well as anything else that she could avert. “Quite. You all… do that. I’ll just stay right over here.”

“Just the three of us then?” Applejack asked.

“That’s what it looks like,” Twilight said as she cantered over to Pinkie Pie. “And you… you’ll be our judge, right?”

Pinkie Pie looked between the three of them as they looked back at her expectedly. She wasn’t sure how she felt having them try to do impressions of her. Could that really end well? Would it make her aware of habits of hers that she wasn’t proud of?

The other three waited on her to respond. “Right?” Twilight asked with a big toothy grin across her face.

Pinkie Pie sat with a blank expression for a few moments before she sputtered out loud. “Noooooo! No way! I’m not gunna judge ‘em! I’m not gunna! I’m not! I’m not.”

Pinkie.

“Nope! Nope! Nope!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. She stood up. “Nope!” She turned around. “Nope!” She shook her head. “Nope!” She walked toward the door. “Nope!”

Twilight Sparkle jumped in place before she used her magic to seal the door shut. “Pinkie Pie! Where are you going!?”

“I won’t do it! I’m not gunna play along with this story and watch you control my friends, you mean mean narrator!”

That is just not fair!

“She’s not even saying any of that! You’re saying all that stuff. I’m not okay with it!”

Twilight Sparkle sprinted forward. “Pinkie Pie, I know you’re upset. But please, trust me, as a friend. We want to do this too.”

Pinkie Pie glowered in front of the door.

“Pinkie, we get to spend time together today. We’ve been thinking about this all week, and I know that’s what you wanted to do too coming into this. Please, let us sit back down and have a good time. What do you say?”

Pinkie Pie whirled around and punched Twilight Sparkle in the jaw, causing the mare to fall unconscious onto the floor.

OH COME ON.

“Mind control!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

For the last time! It’s not mind control!

“I might have been okay with Cheerilee. But using my bestest best friends in the whole wide wide world as… puppets!? Nope!”

Pinkie Pie… I am starting to lose my patience with you. I have already explained all of that to you.

Pinkie Pie reared, standing on her hind legs. “Then explain this! Take that!” she cried as she let off a left hook.

OW!

Pinkie Pie danced in place, keeping her narrowed eyes trained in front of her as she mimicked fists. “Put ‘em up, Mister Narrator! Put ‘em up!”

…You …hit me!? How… how did you do that?

“And that!” she cried as she punched again.

Ow! Stop that! Whatever you’re doing!

“And that!”

Ouch!

“And this!”

Oooff!

Pinkie Pie roared with laughter. “Haha! That’ll teach ya!”

Oh for the love of— How are you doing this!?

“Don’t you know?” Pinkie said with a smug expression. “It’s the first rule of cartoons! I can do anything as long as it’s funny!”

…How? This is a fan-fiction. Not a cartoon.

“It’s a fiction of a cartoon, so it’s close enough,” she said.

I am the narrator! And I will not stand for this!

“Take that!” she said with a kick.

STOP IT.

“Put em up!”

FINE. I will. Let’s see how you like this… new story that I have for you.

In a single moment, the four other mares at the table jumped across the room. Each of her friends stood poised with their heads lowered, ready to charge.

“Ah don’t very much appreciate what ya just did to Twilight, Pinkie Pie,” Applejack growled.

Rainbow Dash let out a snort. “Yeah, if you think I’m gunna let you get away with that, you better think again!”

“Absolutely revolting behavior!” Rarity cried. “You should be ashamed of yourself!”

There it was, Pinkie’s friends pitted against her. The four of them scrapped their hooves against the floor, their reports echoing throughout the hall. It seemed to tremble under their indignation and the air seemed to hold its breath.

And they advanced. While Rarity and Rainbow Dash and Applejack took the helm, Fluttershy followed them. They closed in on Pinkie Pie with glowering expressions. They stalked as a whole, edging closer and closer, and there was nothing Pinkie Pie could do to prevent them from taking her. To that end, Rarity lunged.

After all, she wouldn’t hurt her best friends, would she?

Pinkie Pie took a quick glance at the very definitely unconscious Twilight Sparkle as the latter drooled all over the floor before delivering Rarity an uppercut. “Hii-yaa!”

Rarity was sent toppling backwards, landing well on the other side of the room.

Oh.

“No, I wouldn’t,” Pinkie Pie said. “But you see Mister Narrator, those aren’t my friends anymore. You kinda ruined them and everything.”

Of all the no good—

Okay. You’re asking for it. Really, you are.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash lunged at the same time in response! The two let out loud and proud battle cries as they pounced on Pinkie Pie!

Pinkie Pie jumped between the two of them and landed on her hind hooves in a karate-pose.

The pegasus doubled back and renewed her efforts to tackle Pinkie Pie to the ground.

Pinkie Pie backflipped, driving her hindleg into Rainbow Dash’s abdomen, letting out a short and pointed, “Kick!”

Rainbow Dash, like Rarity before her, went sailing across the room, hitting the ground with a thud.

Are you kidding me?

Pinkie Pie somersaulted across the floor, almost dancing across it.

Applejack was not far behind! She was close enough to Pinkie that the mare could not respond in time!

“Super duper round house kick gooooooo!” Pinkie Pie called out as she twirled about.

Pinkie Pie’s hoof slammed into Applejack, sending the mare, again, across the room.

…Wow. I… I don’t. I don’t know how you did that.

“I can do anything when it’s funny. I can do kung fu!” Pinkie Pie cheered, jamming a hoof into the air.

You… you… I’m not through yet. I…

“Oh are ya?” Pinkie Pie said with a challenging glare.

Fluttershy… Fluttershy…

Pinkie Pie’s frown bared teeth.

Fluttershy… was nowhere near any of them. During the bedlam, she had retreated toward the door. Without another moment's hesitation she hurried through the door and out of the scene.

Pinkie Pie nodded. “Good call. She’s so sensitive, you know.”

I know! I know. You infuriating little…You little...

“Take that!”

OUCH! Why you…

Pinkie Pie giggled. “I won! I won! Yippee horray!” she cheered, clapping her hooves together.

That can’t be right… We all know you didn’t put any real effort into… that. You hit them once and they got knocked out!

“Ooooooooo,” Pinkie Pie cooed, “someone’s salty!”

How did you even do that!?

“Becaaaaaause, it was funny!”

That’s not even fair! But okay. I see. They’re ponies. Maybe I should bring Spike in here to teach you some manners.

Pinkie Pie jabbed a hoof into the air. “Funny!”

I’ll summon Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.

“Funny!”

I’ll… uhm… summon Discord.

“Funny!”

I’ll… I’ll… I will have the castle fight you.

Pinkie Pie went to speak, but paused. The words caught in her throat as she spaced out for a moment. She made a few noises as she placed her hooves around her mouth. Her face turned a bright red as she fought something back. But then it overwhelmed her and she fell backwards onto the floor in a giggling fit.

What?

Pinkie Pie wiped away a tear from her eye, only for another to form. “Oh Mister Narrator, that would be really fun! And really funny!”

So you’re saying there’s a chance?

Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Nope a dope! Use that noodle and just picture it. Me? Little ol’ me suplexing a castle? I’d win that in a landslide!”

…I’m really starting to wonder if you’re transcending funny into the just plain absurd.

“I’d still get some laughs out of it though.”

And… then you would win.

“Yuuup!”

Well… I… umm…

“Aaaaadmit it, Mister Narrator! I got this all locked up.”

I… suppose you do.

Pinkie Pie threw some streamers into the air. “Winner winner hay sandwich dinner! And now! For my final trick, I’m going to helicopter away.”

You’re going to what?

The mare threw her tail about. It swished slowly at first, but as she went it picked up speed. Her tail drew upwards, audibly whirring as it pulled higher into the air. Eventually, it pulled Pinkie Pie upwards as well, lifting the mare off the floor and into the air.

Reader, you think this is all absurd. Right? Yes, yes, I am perfectly aware that she has done this in the source material before, thank you.

Pinkie Pie coptered her way toward an opened in the ceiling and squeezed through the window, letting out a joyful screech as she did so.

Well wait a moment!

She flew onwards, over the castle, and over the town of Ponyville. The arrangement of houses and stores passed below her. The residents looked like ants from how high she was, and yet Pinkie Pie recognized every single one of them. She giggled.

She looked onwards toward the large orange ball that sat on the horizon. The setting sun welcomed her, stretching its golden rays out to embrace her. As the clouds watched from sides far off from her, equally golden in their splendor, Pinkie Pie flew on and on until she was nothing more than a speck against the sunset.

UM.

Well, that happened I suppose.

I don’t even have a main character anymore. Since, you know, she just up and flew off.

Which that presents a very big issue. I really wanted to tell this story. Really, I did.

Though who am I kidding? I must admit defeat. I lost this battle a long time ago.

And so it was thus. Pinkie Pie never returned to Ponyville. There’s a saying that she never reappeared at all. Some say she flew across the sea. Others say that she flew to the stars. Others still say that she flew until she reached a universe made entirely of sit-coms. As it is, her fate is unknown.

The citizens of the town went on and on, but it was never the same without Pinkie Pie. The town grew dull and listless, one of which they had seen right before Twilight’s ascension. What a shame really, since Pinkie Pie was so integral to the town’s very livelihood.

The Rainbow Power, now forever incomplete without the former Element of Laughter, could no longer protect Equestria from the dark forces that lie in wait. Naturally, a short time later, Equestria was colonized by aliens.

Author's Note:

Attempts to locate Miss Pie have proved unsuccessful. While we have located instances of Pinkie Pie in other stories, including those here at RQK productions, we have reason to believe that they are not the same Pinkie Pie. However, we do not have definitive proof of this at this time.

We ask you, the reader, that if you have any tips or information that can lead to the location of Miss Pie, please call the Pinkie Pie Procurement hotline by dialing 3141592653 on your phone at this time. Tips can also be left in the comments section.

Thank you and have a safe and pleasant day.