Equestria, located near Coruscant, was a neutral and unknown planet in the Clone Wars. However, an argument between the Earth ponies, Unicorns, and Pegasi started a global shortage of food and led to the brink of a civil war in Equestria. The princesses all agreed, after seeing no other option, and declared the start of intergalactic trade. This was a temporary rule, but since trade flourished, Equestria soon became dependent of it.
Soon after some trades, both the Republic and the Separatists discovered the planet, and immediately started negotiating alliances to Equestria through Princess Celestia, due to its indefinitely important position. She declined all the offers in an attempt to keep peace from the war, however Count Dooku then ordered a major part of the droid army to attack onto Equestria, and quickly took over some of the land. Princess Celestia sent a desperate transmission for help to the Republic, by allying them, making it possible to send some kind of reinforcements.
Now, Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, and Jedi Master Yoda himself with their clone forces try to defend Equestria from the Seperatist army. After landing on the planet, they found out that their troops are heavily outnumbered, and the Separatists know their every move. With only some many troops and no extra reinforcements coming for a while, they might only delay the inevitable.
It's one of the beeeeeest ideas I've ever heard here on this site. However, I must express a couple of concerns I have.
First, it's rushed, very very rushed. Someone can barely enjoy it with how fast and how little descriptive it is of the events that unfold within. This chapter could have easily been more than 2000 words, and that would have been still short.
Second, the way you are using the pharagraphs is confusing and tiring to the reader. Instead of, I'm taking this one as example, doing it like this:
"Welcome, and thank you for coming to our aid in our time of need, I am Princess Cadence, leader here," Princess Cadence happily said. Princess Cadence was less worried now since at least some kind of help arrived.
You do it like this:
As they began to unload all their troops, they were greeted by princess Cadance. She spoke with urgency and relief.
"Welcome to te crystal empire. I am princess Cadance, ruler of te crystal empire." She spoke worriedly. "I thank you deeply for coming to our aid at this time of need. I was afraid you wouldn't come, especially since my own soldiers aren't a match for the approaching enemies."
Of course, that's just a simple way to do it and maybe more than one paragraph can be used to express Cadance's greetings and show a little more personality to the characters and develop better this story.
This are merely suggestions though, so don't worry much over them.
I liked te story, and hope to see more.
6241474 Some of your suggestions I saw before you commented. I appreciate some of your help, I haven't completely grasped the concept of character development. When I finished it I saw it was rushed which is why I added the note of saying I would add more stuff. I will
try toedit it as best I can. ("Do or do not there is no try,"~ Yoda)6242186 yeah, I saw the note too. If you want I can pre-read this story for you and pass you a few tips or simply give my opinion.
Hello there. I must say this is a fresh breath of air to me, as I'm always a fan of the sci-fi and fantasy realms of books. To see this type of crossover is great, but as redspark has said before, this book is badly rushed. There could have been a prelude put in too, to make the story fit in together, like telling about the civil war in general, but what I was disappointed in the most, that a great chance for a cool fight scene between two goddess princesses and a powerful general in the Separatist army would be cut so short to a few paragraphs. If you'd like pointers I have experience in writing and getting good results, also doing collaborations. Just talk to me if you need anything.
6242186 please update this story or I will send a legion of commando droids to you
Well get your blaster’s at the ready men.