Oh hell yes.

Cock:NEXT CHAPTER YOU DICKHEAD!!!!

Author, this is... absolutely dreadful. I'm sorry, but it needs saying.

I like clop as much as the next sickeningly deviant member of this community, believe me, but I also like good writing. And I made it exactly three sentences into this story before downvoting it because oh dear sweet pony Jesus, you need to work on editing your sentences.

Cadence could not help but feel that her husband using his connections as a Prince of the Crystal Empire to inquire of the movements and constant whereabouts of his little sister from halfway across Equestria, was a little bit over protective, if not a teeny-tiny bit stalkerish of Shining Armor. After all, what kind of brother employs a number of royal spies to secretly observe his little sister as opposed to the enemies of the kingdom, each recording her daily routine in great and somewhat terrifying detail, outlining each and everypony she meets with detailed background checks that were profiled for his scrutiny.

It was at this particular juncture in his obsession to know what ailed Twilight Sparkle that Cadence thought it was right to intervene before he looked any more stupid and it inevitably came crashing down around him.

Yes. That's three sentences.

First up, "could not help but feel that". This is how you're going to launch your story, with a six-word negative phrase that provides no story content? How is this preferable to "felt that"?

Next, "her husband using his connections as a Prince of the Crystal Empire to inquire of the movements and constant whereabouts of his little sister from halfway across Equestria". This is a... damn, I don't even know what this is. Is it a subject? An object? It's some sort of compound noun clause thing. Your sentence structure is "Cadance felt that X was Y", and this is the X. Except your X is twenty-eight words long and contains six distinct prepositional phrases, one of which uses an inappropriate preposition. I don't know how Twilight will be at fucking Cadance here, but you're doing an admirable job fucking the English language.

Last, "was a little bit over protective, if not a teeny-tiny bit stalkerish of Shining Armor." At least this isn't the same sort of travesty as the forgoing section, but the voicing is poor for Cadance and this is still wishy-washy construction. Why say what you mean once when you can say it twice with bonus adjectives? At least you actually used Shining Armor's name here instead of an LUS replacement.

That's the first sentence. I don't feel like I need to do the other two.

What I want to impress on you here, author, is to please learn to edit your fucking stories and make them readable. I was all primed for some good clop this morning. Your premise looked fun. And it took you exactly three setences to lose me as a reader. I'm not asking for high art here—though frankly that'd be nice, but we can't all be darf or Gabriel LaVedier—but could you at least make me not want to claw my eyes out here?

I know this sounds harsh, and I'm sorry for that, but...

six fucking prepositional phrases, in a twenty-eight word compound subject(??), in the first fucking sentence of your story!?

i.imgur.com/dc92GSx.gif

I FUCKING CALLED IT

6207965 ikr seriously thiugh this needs a second chapter

6207905
Wow, you don't need to go to a hundred when you are giving advice man. I have to agree with what you are saying, that first paragraph could use some TLC, but are you trying to help the author or bust his confidence?
Being honest is good, but you don't need to be a duck to give feedback my friend.

In school they thought us that a good story catches attention by using a writing device called a hook. Something that grabs the readers attention and makes them read it.

That title is a perfect example

6208091
Yeah, I felt a little bad writing that—except here's the thing: the first few sentences of this piece are some of the worst writing I've seen on this site. I mean, this is really bad. Not mildly bad. Not a little bad. This is well-nigh unreadable, and I'm frankly stunned that 63 people so far have apparently been willing to put up with it.

I think writing is awesome. I really like it. And I'm happy that the author also enjoys it, but at the same time I think it's important that the author know that this is really, really awful. At least at the start. Hopefully it gets better as it goes along. The author apparently has two people editing this before posting, which is also cool. It indicates good process habits, trying to get new eyes on your writing before publishing so that you've got a chance to improve. But those editors are apparently not helping much.

MegatronsPen, I don't want to discourage you from writing. I really don't. I think it's awesome that you're trying, and I think you had a cool idea here which I was really interested to read. But I think it's important for you to know just how badly you're delivering the story hook here, because you're not going to improve if you're just getting bombarded with "Oh this is so cool" comments. There are a chunk of us—and I'm guessing a decent chunk, based on the votes on my previous comment and your downvote ratio—who are coming into this story looking for something cool, and who you're managing to lose within the first couple sentences because of the writing quality. That's not good for you—it loses you an audience you almost had with your idea. That's not good for us—it denies us a story we might have enjoyed. It's just bad all around, and it's something you can fix without even doing that much work. This is pretty elementary writing technique stuff. You should be shooting to immerse your readers in your story, not leave them distracted with clunky prose.

I do not, by any means, think you should stop writing. I think it's awesome that you had a cool idea here that made me want to read your story. But I do think you should work on your technique, because reading even three sentences of this was downright painful. I don't want to be saying that. I want to like your story, or I wouldn't have bothered clicking on it in the first place. But I think it's important that you know what your prose is doing to your ideas, because you're not going to get better if you're not aware, and I'm not going to have access to more decent clop unless you (and other writers on this site) get their shit together on this stuff. If anything, take the fact that I'm here commenting as a sign that I care and I want this to be better. If I didn't care, I'd just let it slide and not say anything. But this could have been so good, if it'd lived up to the premise. I really wanted to read this. And I'd rather call you on it now, if it meant that in the future maybe I'd get to read something by you I'd really, really enjoy.

I know I'm being harsh in the comments here, but sweet pony Jesus I want you to make this story something I'd enjoy reading, and I'm still sad it's not.

6208423

c2.staticflickr.com/8/7038/6799029506_ced5196f4e.jpg

Are you slobbering fan-fucks actually giving a guy crap and downvoting for providing constructive criticism? So what if his tone was "mean".

Oh no! Not a meanie-head! He deserves time-out for raising his e-voice!

6208423
Fair enough, and I do agree with a lot of your points.

I do like how people are getting annoyed and I had nothing to do with it other than the fact I wrote this story.

Can't say it didn't spark a debate of some kind... right? Am I right?!

Ah...

Anyway. Back to chapter two.

Hell I liked it!!

6208870 Hell, I like it you liked it! Chapter two is coming fast.

Look! I punned again. How terrible am I? i189.photobucket.com/albums/z113/Dead_Metal_album/DanglyParts_zpsaba9b73f.jpg

6208889 Cool looking forward to it!!

6207905

Dude's got a point. Edit: No, he really knows his shit. Listen to him. Trust me.

~Skeeter The Lurker

6207905

This isn't criticism. This is abusive. If you actually try to justify this, there's something wrong with you or you're just one of those trolls who likes to shit on people and hide behind 'criticism' when retribution comes your way. If you were so truly concerned about the author's writing or editing you'd have sent it to them in a PM instead of lambasting them in their own story comments, belittling and degrading them for all to see like some entitled douchebag. Have some common human decency.

6209168

Don't even start. You know better.

6209167 Don't worry Skeeter, I listened and have edited the first chapter to try and reflect his concerns. We chatted in PM rather than the potential cluster fuck the comments can often bring.

Edit: Granted, to the best of my writing ability.

6209168 The issue has been resolved. Thanks for your concern, but there's no butthurt here by me over what he said.

Besides, my clop's are always never designed never to be perfect by my own personality flaw.

Its gonna get 666 likes again

6209321 img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131226162824/epicrapbattlesofhistory/images/f/ff/Awa_2.jpg

But, no seriously.

I still have to write the Luna futa version.

*Eyes the downvote button on this comment* Wait for it. Wait for it...

6209344 THERE'S GONNA BE ANOTHER ONE?!?! OH MOST JOYUS OF OCCASIONS

6209379 Unfortunately, two, since some evil bastard suggested in a PM and it sort of stuck in my mind.

6209383

6209344 dude u should make ur stories into cock vore stories where let's say twi cock vored shinning and then impregnated him into cadence.

6209400 img12.deviantart.net/a914/i/2013/129/5/e/mother_of_god_in_hd_by_lemmino-d64ndao.png

6209168
...yeah, I'll admit I probably stepped over the line.

But at the same time (and hopefully this isn't stepping over another line), based on PM conversation I get the feeling that doing so really did help drive my point home with 6209222, who otherwise probably wouldn't have cared. Which isn't much of a defense, but still. And I do want to say that I think the newly-edited version, even as small as the intro changes may be, helps enormously with my ability to get immersed in the story. It's still not high art, and I'm cool with that, but in my opinion it's a lot better, and I'm hoping I can find time to read the whole thing through tonight.

Also, 6209167, you're totally wrong.

6209427 I'm happy to oblige... though I can't guarantee continued satisfaction! *Shifty eyes* My incapability to take clop seriously bleeds through in my clop writings. A lot. I hope you do manage to get through it somehow.

One of us has to, bro.

6209427
Can't argue with results I guess. Although good thing the author is thick skinned.
Also the thumbs up ratios seem to say that you were in the right, in the majority's view.
Guess I'm just a softy in comparison to others in here. I'll go bang on my bongo drums while singing kumbaya.

6209473 I appreciate what you said, bro. I still loves you.

6209488
Join the circle my friend. Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya My Lord, Oh Lord Kumbaya... Now where the fuck is all the weed?

6209508 That's in a different fic, my man.

6209427

I've gotta be in the ball park.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Well, this was quite an adventure. Pleasure to help again, Mega, and I think I learned something about editing because of it, so thank you too, 6207905

I'm glad it sounds better after we tore through it again.

step-sister

Did you mean sister in law?

My only actual complaint is that there was like, ten seconds of any sexual contact and this fic is described as a "clopfic"
I know tension and cliffhangers are good for stories and shit but if you give us practically NOTHING then it doesn't hook us and leave us wanting more; it just pisses us off, makes us annoyed that we wasted our time and not want to pursue the story further.

I'm not going to upvote this, but I will favorite it so I can see what the rest of the story will be like. I hope it's better "impreg" than Futalestia x Twilight Velvet. An impreg story has to be more than just "internal cumshot lol" or "oh no today isn't my safe day aaah". you need to get more detailed—give us a little timeskip into the future when the baby is born or while the mare is pregnant. If you want to get extra detailed/surreal, describe the actual impregnation. But for god's sake, don't IMPLY impregnation if your FUCKING TITLE is "blank IMPREGNATES blank".

You have given yourself a second chance to succeed at this type of story. Learn from your mistakes.

Urges, am I right?

*Candy Dice is going to get raped by Purple Book*

YUP, THIS IS HAPPENING APARENTLY.

6207905
Fucking thank you. I'm glad someone else has the same thoughts as me!

6212054
Maybe you need to separate yourself from the situation.

Like you said, it isn't your fic. You most probably write with more skill than this author. You most probably wouldn't get a review like this. Don't let someone's reaction to content that isn't yours dissuade you from writing. In fact, don't even let someone's reaction to content that is yours dissuade you from writing. Consciously decide to learn from your own and others mistakes.

This is an opportunity knocking on the door. You should open up, instead of laying in bed feeling depressed about things that shouldn't affect you negatively.

very nice story!
just one remark: her name is spelled Cadance, not Cadence ;)
http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Princess_Cadance

Yes, I am finally reading this... and I am not as aghast as I think I should be.

Aghast, Cadence drew her gaze away and clamped her hooves over her lips to prevent the yelp of surprise from spilling out of her.

Why didn't Cadance get a dick? Does Luna have a massive blue penis or did only Celestia get oddly endowed?

OMG.

You realize this is rape right? Twilught is using magic to force Cadance to be receptive to what she wants so she can have her way with Cadance. Especially she is drugging her, and will then rape former foalsister and her brother's wife. WTF

7298229
That is the fetish of brainwashing yes

Not sure what kind of foall this will produce...
Maybe a double futa?

“Why… why do I feel… I want it?” Cadence groaned as her eyes slowly dropped to Twilight’s cock, shivering as she approached it, her mind screaming for her body to stop but to no avail.

Did she…?

Cadence’s head drooped low as her lips parted, breathlessly whispering her words the closer she got to the glistening tip of her sudden and unexpected desire. “I-I need it.”

She did.