welp, this is certainly rough around the edges but I enjoy Xenoverse too much to at least not give it a shot. That said, it does need some work.
For one, you never described Toki Toki City at all. no need to dump a huge description in a single paragraph, but you should at least not assume that the audience knows all about the garden-like area full of weird red eyed frogs that the game starts in, or that they landed on a raised dais of stone with a odd alter with seven round slots in it. As the characters look around, tell us about what they are looking at and what they focus on (example, if they are doing the whole wide eyed tourist bit, describe anything around that would interest them, like Twilight would probably find the Information Kiosk fascinating due to how it is a weird hologram thing and Pinkie would be more interested in the people hanging about, but if they are busy getting punched in the face, there is no need to talk about the nice looking plateau in the distance).
Then a Huge Japaneses styled dragon floats in the sky above Trunks.
A better description for Shenron would be something along the lines "A massive, serpentine dragon with blunted antlers and solid red eyes radiated power above Trunks..." just in case the reader did not know what a Japaneses dragon (actually it would be Chinese if I was feeling completely anal about all of this but I am not really) was.
Finally, while there is no canon name for what Freeza's race is, there are a lot of cool names floating about in the fandom for them. Arcosian, being the most popular, as well as The Cold Clan, Frost Demons, and Freeza Clan.
The biggest advice I can give you for this is to get a friend to help you with this. A Beta is useful for catching any sort of mistakes you can make, ranging from grammatical to lore to just plain poor word choice.
This is a good beginning to practice on, and I truly want to see how you handle this. Are the girls going to be forced to all stuff into the same Time Machine? Will they screw around with time even more than the original protagonist did? Will they take Captain Ginyu as their Master?! Questions that I want to be answered, because while I find my own answers funny, I want to see what you come up with.
Well this is certainly interesting and I'm flattered you used my designs for the mane six & spike, I can't help but feel like you're rushing through things. The dialogue feels like everyone's just going through the motions and there's barely any emotion to the characters.
I'm not trying to be rude or critical, I'm just looking at this from a writer POV. It's not bad, it just needs some fine-tuning.
K, so i'm just wondering, is english your first language?
You asked for help with grammar issues, so let's see. I'll take one of the larger offending paragraphs.
This,
"oh right sorry, iam twilight sparkle and" twilight points to fluttershy. "this is fluttershy... I think, its hard to tell when we change bodies like this, that's you fluttershy right?" She asks fluttershy. "Y-Yes its m-me" fluttershy answers. "ok phew" twilight then points to Rarity "this is Rarity." Rarity then answers "hello darling" twilight then points to RD "this is Rainbow dash" Rainbow says "nice to meet you" twilight then points to AJ "this is applejack" Aj says "howdy partner" twilight then points to Pinkie Pie "this is Pinkie Pie" pinkie says "Hello! my name is Pinkie pie, oh wait twilight already told you, do you like parti- before pinkie can finish more twilight covers her mouth, twilight then points to spike "and this is spike" spike says "hi"
Should look like this. Corrections highlighted in red.
"Oh right sorry, I amTwilight Sparkle and-" Twilight points to Fluttershy. "This is Fluttershy... I think, its hard to tell when we change bodies like this, that's you Fluttershy, right?" She asks Fluttershy
"Y-yes, its m-me." Fluttershy answers.
"Ok phew." Twilight then points to Rarity. "This is Rarity."
Rarity then answers. "Hello darling."
Twilight then points to RD. "This is Rainbow dash."
Rainbow says, "Nice to meet you."
Twilight then points to AJ "this is Applejack."
Aj says, "Howdy partner!"
Twilight then points to Pinkie Pie. "This is Pinkie Pie."
Pinkie says "Hello! my name is Pinkie pie, oh wait twilight already told you, do you like parti-"Before Pinkie can finish more Twilight covers her mouth.
Twilight then points to Spike. "And this is Spike."
Spike says, "Hi."
Lots of capitalization, grammar, and formatting tweaks are needed. One general rule, when a new character starts speaking (using "") you start a new paragraph. I saw that applied to some other parts of the text, but this one paragraph was the largest example of where it should have happened, and didn't.
Otherwise interesting premise. Mane six as DBZ people, why not?
this is a good intro if you take into account that the videogame began like this but there is still room for improvement. grammar revision in a lot of places. all in all good job.
Did you make that cover art?
Typos galore but decent start
Pinkie as a maijin......that makes way too much sense
lot of spelling errors that need to be fixed. But other than that, you're doing great; Keep it up!
Oh boy. This just got awesome in no time flat.
5949224 no I didn't make it. if I made a cover art for this it would look horrrible
5950042 can you point out the spelling errors?
61 views over night? holy *beep*
like I said in my Author's note I'am asking if I should add the training part or not. should I or should I not?
welp, this is certainly rough around the edges but I enjoy Xenoverse too much to at least not give it a shot. That said, it does need some work.
For one, you never described Toki Toki City at all. no need to dump a huge description in a single paragraph, but you should at least not assume that the audience knows all about the garden-like area full of weird red eyed frogs that the game starts in, or that they landed on a raised dais of stone with a odd alter with seven round slots in it. As the characters look around, tell us about what they are looking at and what they focus on (example, if they are doing the whole wide eyed tourist bit, describe anything around that would interest them, like Twilight would probably find the Information Kiosk fascinating due to how it is a weird hologram thing and Pinkie would be more interested in the people hanging about, but if they are busy getting punched in the face, there is no need to talk about the nice looking plateau in the distance).
A better description for Shenron would be something along the lines "A massive, serpentine dragon with blunted antlers and solid red eyes radiated power above Trunks..." just in case the reader did not know what a Japaneses dragon (actually it would be Chinese if I was feeling completely anal about all of this but I am not really) was.
Finally, while there is no canon name for what Freeza's race is, there are a lot of cool names floating about in the fandom for them. Arcosian, being the most popular, as well as The Cold Clan, Frost Demons, and Freeza Clan.
The biggest advice I can give you for this is to get a friend to help you with this. A Beta is useful for catching any sort of mistakes you can make, ranging from grammatical to lore to just plain poor word choice.
This is a good beginning to practice on, and I truly want to see how you handle this. Are the girls going to be forced to all stuff into the same Time Machine? Will they screw around with time even more than the original protagonist did? Will they take Captain Ginyu as their Master?! Questions that I want to be answered, because while I find my own answers funny, I want to see what you come up with.
Well this is certainly interesting and I'm flattered you used my designs for the mane six & spike, I can't help but feel like you're rushing through things. The dialogue feels like everyone's just going through the motions and there's barely any emotion to the characters.
I'm not trying to be rude or critical, I'm just looking at this from a writer POV. It's not bad, it just needs some fine-tuning.
lol, Shenron has a cousin that's a brony...
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/010/324/dce.png
K, so i'm just wondering, is english your first language?
You asked for help with grammar issues, so let's see. I'll take one of the larger offending paragraphs.
This,
Should look like this. Corrections highlighted in red.
Lots of capitalization, grammar, and formatting tweaks are needed. One general rule, when a new character starts speaking (using "") you start a new paragraph. I saw that applied to some other parts of the text, but this one paragraph was the largest example of where it should have happened, and didn't.
Otherwise interesting premise. Mane six as DBZ people, why not?
Well the first chapter is interesting. I shall go on to the next one.
Ahem... yep. Just as cringeworthy as it's stated as.
A few things to say...
this is a good intro if you take into account that the videogame began like this but there is still room for improvement.
grammar revision in a lot of places.
all in all good job.
...Who's this co-writer, anyways? The grammar's only slightly better.