It would be interesting, rainbow dash to begin to feel jealous of twilight, by that she is becoming more powerful and that end up turning into rivals as goku and vegeta xD
Okay, some of the more frequent problems I notice are: 1. Repeating text. Some text is being repeated. 2. Some words like "nearby" being written as "near by". Something to look at. 3. It's actually Kame-hame-ha. Not kama-hama-ha. The name Kame-hame-ha is translated as "Turtle Destruction Wave" Kame (turtle) Hameha (destruction wave/blast). 4. You also tend to forget about capital letters using Caps Lock.
5962528 That would actually make for something interesting. But I think it would be best to keep it a bit closer to MLP:FIM and have the rivalry be with Applejack like it always is, Twilight isn't really competitive so it wouldn't make for much of a rivalry.
5962599 that is true, but in this story Twilight and Rainbow are sayayins... that means that they become is SSJ, in this way the rivalry could be born, Rainbow seems to vegeta in terms of personality and twilight seems a little Goku since she is very protective with their friends as goku, the sayayins much like the fights and become more strong... AJ is a human not serious competition for RD
5962629 That's all true. as you also see Red (The new Character who belongs to me) Actually has the Kaioken x20 Kamehameha so he does have access to the Kaioken power up...He also has the Full Power Super Saiyan transformation (meaning complete mastery of the form) but he's not going to reveal it till later. I plan to have him the the first to reveal it, Thus, causing Dash and Twilight to find OUT about it in the first place.
5962716 thats crazy xD, but hey the universe of this story is different assume that humans are more strong than I thought... I wonder how RD changed, the sayayins are characterized by being quite arrogant, especially in SSJ perhaps their attitude can cause problems for her friends... guess that twilight does not present major changes
5962685 The fact that Pinkie actually uses her ability to turn things into candy. Boo really should have used it far more often, it's almost an instant win beam. And it is also so Pinkie. But a little advice, don't let the mane 6 over use the moves they learned from their teachers. Rarity working the Wolf Fang Fist, Twilight with the Kamehameha... it felt repetitive... Give them a few more techniques, I have nothing against them learning the moves of their teachers, but if they don't switch it up... it'll get boring soon. Also, I think I speak for more than myself that it would be interesting to have a chapter or two without any missions where they just train in the time nest or hang out.
I think I said most of the stuff that's on my mind now.
5962778 And that, is a genius idea. You can always ask us, your audience for names of moves we'd like to see... Or just what to name different moves.
I already have a few ideas.
Pinkie: Gummi gun. (Gummi as in her pet aligator, no idea what the beam itself is for or why she named it the Gummi gun. But Pinkie is Pinkie.) Party trick. Her own version of the after image technique that blows up in a cloud of confetti and the sound her confetti related operations make. Stuns the one to suddenly find themselves in the cloud of party spirits.
Rainbow Dash: Rainblow. A punch delivered at great speed causing a rainbow explosion with the power of a rainboom.(That stuff could crack fucking rocks.) Lightning Bolts. Rainbow ability to control weather might not have carried over to her sayian form, but that won't stop her from creating real lightning bolts. (Not the small weak ones that appear anyways all the time in the Dragonball series, I mean the big ones that blow apart buildings when they strike.)
Fluttershy: Unseen before. I would like to say that this is more of an accidental kind of move. When she gets really angry and goes on a rampage, (maybe something to do with being a majin) she drasticly increases her speed, power, and other stats as she tells her opponent exactly how she will beat them up, followed by a first hand demonstration, before they faint of course.
Twilight: Cosmic beam. Twilight doesn't strike me as a physical strikes so she gets a beam she manages to come up with that is un-block able, it can still be deflected but it still does damage.
Applejack. Air Breaker. AJ, manages to hit the air in front of her so hard that she can still hit her opponents from far away. They won't know what hit them.
Rarity. Auroran Protector. A beautiful display of colorful waves that act as a shield to protect her from almost anything, as long as it holds.
Spike: Biting Coat. Spike manages to focus his kii around himself in such a manner that it boosts his strength and does damage to his opponents when they try to strike him. It also allows to easier repel kii-blasts.
That's all I could come up with for now. I made sure to have at least something for every one of them.
5962877 those are great moves that I can't simply inore! 2 moves for each of the mane 6 and spike then! spoiler! here are the names of the moves I am going to make: Rairty: diamond bombardment!: she opens her arms out wide and many blue balls of ki form around her then rain down like rain. twilight: sparkling boom: if pressured she can release a huge explosion that not only damages her oppent but blinds them for a sort while too. AJ: Earth cannon: she uses both of her legs to kick her oppent sending who ever it is flying with pobly broken ribs or bones. fluttershy: nature's Wrath: kinda like the spirit bomb but more powerful and Quiker. spike: Dragon spirit: he uses his ki to make some sort of flame to burn his oppents.
"Master-sensei-dude, why did Rainbow Dash want to rip random dude's arms and murder him with them?" "Because that's a thing now" "Oh, cool". This is just bloody precious. Go Princess of Friendship, sorting her friends' problems like a pro.
Another pointless time skip. Not even a hint of what was going on, or why is it necessary - just whoosh, six weeks. Because fuck you, apparently. Well, fuck you too. This also kinda highlights the other problem I have with the fic - it has your basic Holliwood mechanics of time travel, where it is only available for plot-related reasons, and things in different times happen "simultaneously" and require instant reaction. Which is moronic for more reasons I care to even name.
Pinkie runs up to in until shes 2 inchs away from his
I am honestly trying to refrain on pummeling on the abhorrent grammar of this... thing, but just this single sentence entitles you to a free punch to the face on behalf of all the English grammar that you abuse. Other than that - horrid expositional dialogue, that I care not to even skim, that seems to establish basic facts about Sayans, that I kinda vaguely know anyway, and that make me confused as to who the heck is this fic for. If it's for the DBZ fans, then they surely know about werewolfing Sayans. If that's for new readers, unfamiliar with the basic DBZ lore - then why the hell is literally NOTHING else explained? Not names, not techniques, not the MacGuffin of Vagueness, not really anything. Random exposition is random.
And then the rest of the chapter follows the exact same plot as the previous one. Ponies teleport to a pivotal moment in DBZ history, kick ass, cold-blooded-murder some dudes, and disappear back to whatever place they live now without so much as "hello" or "goodbye". If you love a bad re-telling of DBZ-battles with ocassional verbatim funny quote - this thing is for you, otherwise it's bland, boring, pointless and - again - has nothing to do with actual MLP characters.
It would be interesting, rainbow dash to begin to feel jealous of twilight, by that she is becoming more powerful and that end up turning into rivals as goku and vegeta xD
Okay, some of the more frequent problems I notice are:
1. Repeating text. Some text is being repeated.
2. Some words like "nearby" being written as "near by". Something to look at.
3. It's actually Kame-hame-ha. Not kama-hama-ha. The name Kame-hame-ha is translated as "Turtle Destruction Wave" Kame (turtle) Hameha (destruction wave/blast).
4. You also tend to forget about capital letters using Caps Lock.
Otherwise I really do enjoy the story.
5962528 That would actually make for something interesting. But I think it would be best to keep it a bit closer to MLP:FIM and have the rivalry be with Applejack like it always is, Twilight isn't really competitive so it wouldn't make for much of a rivalry.
I am
expect
grammar
I am
grammar
editors
--more errors skipped---
Shenron
Please run this though some sort of spell check
5962599
that is true, but in this story Twilight and Rainbow are sayayins... that means that they become is SSJ, in this way the rivalry could be born, Rainbow seems to vegeta in terms of personality and twilight seems a little Goku since she is very protective with their friends as goku, the sayayins much like the fights and become more strong... AJ is a human not serious competition for RD
5962629 That's all true. as you also see Red (The new Character who belongs to me) Actually has the Kaioken x20 Kamehameha so he does have access to the Kaioken power up...He also has the Full Power Super Saiyan transformation (meaning complete mastery of the form) but he's not going to reveal it till later. I plan to have him the the first to reveal it, Thus, causing Dash and Twilight to find OUT about it in the first place.
5962629 Well, this depends on if you apply Xenoverse game mechanics or Anime mechanics. Humans have some other advantages that Sayians don't.
5962590 thanks for the corrections! :) also whats your favorite part of this chapter?
Also have any of you guys figured out who towa's Apprentices is yet? (besides you reddened chaos. don't give it away yet ether please)
5962629 I am going to make the humans more stronger then they are in DBZ and spoiler: AJ is going to go toe to toe with frieza
5962716
thats crazy xD, but hey the universe of this story is different assume that humans are more strong than I thought... I wonder how RD changed, the sayayins are characterized by being quite arrogant, especially in SSJ perhaps their attitude can cause problems for her friends... guess that twilight does not present major changes
5962685 The fact that Pinkie actually uses her ability to turn things into candy. Boo really should have used it far more often, it's almost an instant win beam. And it is also so Pinkie. But a little advice, don't let the mane 6 over use the moves they learned from their teachers. Rarity working the Wolf Fang Fist, Twilight with the Kamehameha... it felt repetitive... Give them a few more techniques, I have nothing against them learning the moves of their teachers, but if they don't switch it up... it'll get boring soon. Also, I think I speak for more than myself that it would be interesting to have a chapter or two without any missions where they just train in the time nest or hang out.
I think I said most of the stuff that's on my mind now.
5962716 Nice.
5962750 Dragon ball lolZ XD
5962750 Also have you figured out who towa's Apprentices is yet?
5962712 I have a guess or two. Is it Nightmare Moon resurrected? Or Queen Chrysalis? If it's not... Then I am awaiting the twist.
5962758 you gave me a great idea! I am going to make the mane 6 and spike make up their own moves!
5962767
Nope, to one that perhaps the main 6 were not the only ones who were transported... Trixie ?
5962782 you will have to see :)
5962769 you will have to see.
5962778 And that, is a genius idea. You can always ask us, your audience for names of moves we'd like to see... Or just what to name different moves.
I already have a few ideas.
That's all I could come up with for now. I made sure to have at least something for every one of them.
5962877 those are great moves that I can't simply inore! 2 moves for each of the mane 6 and spike then! spoiler! here are the names of the moves I am going to make: Rairty: diamond bombardment!: she opens her arms out wide and many blue balls of ki form around her then rain down like rain. twilight: sparkling boom: if pressured she can release a huge explosion that not only damages her oppent but blinds them for a sort while too. AJ: Earth cannon: she uses both of her legs to kick her oppent sending who ever it is flying with pobly broken ribs or bones. fluttershy: nature's Wrath: kinda like the spirit bomb but more powerful and Quiker. spike: Dragon spirit: he uses his ki to make some sort of flame to burn his oppents.
5962877 just to let you know we and reddened chaos are stilling working on the next chapter but its taking a while.
Ha! TFS Nappa FTW
Huh, i was going to ask if Red was a canon dbz character or not, but I guess you authors notes answered that.
Also yes, tfs Nappa is best Nappa.
(continuing review from the first chapter).
"Master-sensei-dude, why did Rainbow Dash want to rip random dude's arms and murder him with them?"
"Because that's a thing now"
"Oh, cool".
This is just bloody precious. Go Princess of Friendship, sorting her friends' problems like a pro.
Another pointless time skip. Not even a hint of what was going on, or why is it necessary - just whoosh, six weeks. Because fuck you, apparently. Well, fuck you too. This also kinda highlights the other problem I have with the fic - it has your basic Holliwood mechanics of time travel, where it is only available for plot-related reasons, and things in different times happen "simultaneously" and require instant reaction. Which is moronic for more reasons I care to even name.
I am honestly trying to refrain on pummeling on the abhorrent grammar of this... thing, but just this single sentence entitles you to a free punch to the face on behalf of all the English grammar that you abuse.
Other than that - horrid expositional dialogue, that I care not to even skim, that seems to establish basic facts about Sayans, that I kinda vaguely know anyway, and that make me confused as to who the heck is this fic for.
If it's for the DBZ fans, then they surely know about werewolfing Sayans. If that's for new readers, unfamiliar with the basic DBZ lore - then why the hell is literally NOTHING else explained? Not names, not techniques, not the MacGuffin of Vagueness, not really anything. Random exposition is random.
And then the rest of the chapter follows the exact same plot as the previous one. Ponies teleport to a pivotal moment in DBZ history, kick ass, cold-blooded-murder some dudes, and disappear back to whatever place they live now without so much as "hello" or "goodbye".
If you love a bad re-telling of DBZ-battles with ocassional verbatim funny quote - this thing is for you, otherwise it's bland, boring, pointless and - again - has nothing to do with actual MLP characters.
By now you've probably realized just how badly butchered you grammar is, right?