5951523 thanks for the advice! I forgot to describe it XD my bad but i will edit it!
I couldn't really describe sheron better because 1. i didn't really know how too and 2. i didn't really want to because i would pobly mis spell a few words but i'll edit it to what you said or some thing like what you said.
as for frieza's race name. i forgot all abou the other names for it so i made one up but i think i'll use .Arcosian now
that's why I'am asking for edits and poeple who know the mane 6 and DBz characters better then i do! :)
"Are the girls going to be forced to all stuff into the same Time Machine?" yes, even though i cant rember how big it is, i just pretend they get in a really big one that can fit them. "Will they screw around with time even more than the original protagonist did?" yes. "will they take Captain Ginyu as their Master?!" i don't think so, 1. i don't realy know how and why they're in toki toki world 2. i don't think the mane 6 and spike would accept a villain as their master. also this is not much of a spoiler, because there is much more in the story then just this.
Ok. I do enjoy this, but It feels very fast pace and seems to require some editing. I would volunteer but I have my hands full at the moment. Find someone willing to help you.
Fun ideas, and a few fun little character moments.
Vegeta/RD cuz... Hot heads always make great partners! Am I right or am I right (snicker, snicker)
Poor piccolo...
Hmmm, for critique, all the greetings took almost half the chapter. Most of them felt generic / didn't have much personality to them. There wasn't much description of how they delivered their lines either.
For the training itself we only got a few teacher-student interactions described. Vegeta/RD and Picolo/Pinkie were they only trainings that had some interactions to them. The rest of them you just told us they learned something. Not quite as interesting a dynamic as it could be.
I would just recommend taking a little more time with it. Study up on the characters you don't know as well. The Internet is full of resources ;)
All i can say that can help you fixed this chapter is dont be afraid to write something big and long. This will allow you to give characters better personalities when doing their introductions and it will allows to, oh dont know, see the main six adapt to the new world. We dont need to see the training specifically, what we need (i think) is to see how the mane six and Spike deal with being in a world were fighting reigns supreme over diplomacy.
The prologue is under construction, so I shan't criticize it... except that I will criticize the fact that it's under construction. First chapter is the most important bit of the fic, and if you don't care about it, why even bother to publish anything else? Then again, the Long Description made me want to hurl, so it's not like this is something the author cares about.
So we skip instead straight to "Training"., and the first sentence tells me immediately the undeniable fact that Long Description was not a fluke. Still capitalizing letters after the full stop and personal names seems to be an alien concept to the author, while random Words are capitalised without any Rhyme or reason. There is a balance of non-capitalized and capitalized letters at least, but srsly, why the actual buck would you do that?
Well spank my shapely little backside and call me Sally, author actually answered the question of how the protagonists did in their training. And I kinda now wish he didn't because it's stupid. let me quote:
The mane 6 and spike were doing great in training. Ppike had already learned dest-O disc, while twilight was practicing the kamahamaha.
(a)Great descriptions. Top-bloody-notch, mate. "They were doing great". I will now sleep content after having witnessed the scene this awesome and emotion-inspiring. (b)I've not watched a single DBZ episode, and even I know it's Kamehameha. Chrome spell-check knows that it's Kamehameha. Everyone knows that, it's like common knowledge, it's the third word otaku-babies learn, straight after "mama" and "Pikachu". Still you screw it up. Why? (c)Why is Twilight Sparkle using Kamehameha - a DBZ technique? She has unicorn magic! The magic to change gravity, freeze dozens of ponies in place, teleport and travel through time. Shouldn't she be training with that? Since "they were doing great" I assume it's not actually their teacher that's a moron than makes them train some sort of standard DBZ curriculum instead of assessing and developing their natural strengths, but it's instead author's design. Why even bother with ponies then?
So, as I said, dumb. Like really, really dumb. Going on. No, wait a second. "Hits himself in the head with a whiskey bottle several times" There we go.
Now I can actually process phrases like "RD went for a side kick to vegta's face but he catch it and sent her flying "GAH!" Rainbow gasped as she went flying into a wall." where inability of author to spell his own protagonist's names is coupled with inconsistent tenses, grammatical mistakes and horrid, horrid style.
A pointless scene, that again pivots with all precision of a pregnant hippo on a prosthetic leg into a transition "and then the training was over".
This chapter is called "Training". You know what it doesn't have? IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY DESCRIPTIONS OF TRAINING!!!!1111 Literally, none whatsoever. This is false fucking advertising.
5951523 thanks for the advice! I forgot to describe it XD my bad but i will edit it!
I couldn't really describe sheron better because 1. i didn't really know how too and 2. i didn't really want to because i would pobly mis spell a few words but i'll edit it to what you said or some thing like what you said.
as for frieza's race name. i forgot all abou the other names for it so i made one up but i think i'll use .Arcosian now
that's why I'am asking for edits and poeple who know the mane 6 and DBz characters better then i do! :)
"Are the girls going to be forced to all stuff into the same Time Machine?" yes, even though i cant rember how big it is, i just pretend they get in a really big one that can fit them. "Will they screw around with time even more than the original protagonist did?" yes. "will they take Captain Ginyu as their Master?!" i don't think so, 1. i don't realy know how and why they're in toki toki world 2. i don't think the mane 6 and spike would accept a villain as their master. also this is not much of a spoiler, because there is much more in the story then just this.
thanks again for the advice!
And now, the fun begins
5952020 yep. and boy whriting a chapter is stuff! I'll see if I can make one torwow too
5952035 xD
5952060 LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZs! get it?
5952066 Yup. Just the Grammar needs fixing. Better to be proper then get knocked down for it
5952074 yea... also can you point out the grammer errors?
Ok. I do enjoy this, but It feels very fast pace and seems to require some editing. I would volunteer but I have my hands full at the moment. Find someone willing to help you.
5952084 ok. :)
Please check out my new blog called: need help writing fanfict: The Xenoverse
Reminded me of Abridged Piccolo. why? Cause.. DODGE!!
5996730 Ah! Stop hitting me Pico... DODGE!!!
TRAINING MONTAGE!
Fun ideas, and a few fun little character moments.
Vegeta/RD cuz... Hot heads always make great partners! Am I right or am I right (snicker, snicker)
Poor piccolo...
Hmmm, for critique, all the greetings took almost half the chapter. Most of them felt generic / didn't have much personality to them. There wasn't much description of how they delivered their lines either.
For the training itself we only got a few teacher-student interactions described. Vegeta/RD and Picolo/Pinkie were they only trainings that had some interactions to them. The rest of them you just told us they learned something. Not quite as interesting a dynamic as it could be.
I would just recommend taking a little more time with it. Study up on the characters you don't know as well. The Internet is full of resources ;)
6703102 one vegeta is marred two that is true with sayians
All i can say that can help you fixed this chapter is dont be afraid to write something big and long. This will allow you to give characters better personalities when doing their introductions and it will allows to, oh dont know, see the main six adapt to the new world. We dont need to see the training specifically, what we need (i think) is to see how the mane six and Spike deal with being in a world were fighting reigns supreme over diplomacy.
The prologue is under construction, so I shan't criticize it... except that I will criticize the fact that it's under construction. First chapter is the most important bit of the fic, and if you don't care about it, why even bother to publish anything else? Then again, the Long Description made me want to hurl, so it's not like this is something the author cares about.
So we skip instead straight to "Training"., and the first sentence tells me immediately the undeniable fact that Long Description was not a fluke. Still capitalizing letters after the full stop and personal names seems to be an alien concept to the author, while random Words are capitalised without any Rhyme or reason. There is a balance of non-capitalized and capitalized letters at least, but srsly, why the actual buck would you do that?
An entirely pointless cameo "hi" scene with Dragonballs characters that seem to exist solely... no, actually, scratch that. There is no reason for that scene, other than to show that dialogue, while atrocious, at least contains the worst Mane Six characterizations cliché's author has managed to pull out of MLP-series. The cameo scene then seaways into a training scene skip with a grace and finesse of a falling brick. Literally, it's a skip, without so much as an explanation of what exactly were they doing, what were they training for or if they all did it well or not.
You know, I am not exactly a fan of DragonballZ, but a montage of Training From Hell for all protagonists of the MLP-series could be an interesting thing to explore. Instead we get a whole of half-sentence to the gist of "they did the training thing, with that one guy".
&&&&Then somewhere
else&&&
(I kid you not, that's how the scene breaks look in this piece of... literature). Use the "center" tag, ye dolt!)
We get a dialogue that consist almost 50% of "he said" and "2nd guy said". Literally like this, with numericals. Congratulations, dude, you saved yourself the tedious task of typing "second" (a whole of two characters more!) and also made me want to claw my eyes out rather than continue reading this thing. Though, honestly, words like "eough", "bitting" and "inafears", as well as continued insistence of the author that proper capitalization is for suckers, would want me to shoot myself regardless of the lack of attributive actions and tags.
And as far as cliché scenes of clandestine meetings of unknown parties in the darkness go, this one is not great. In fact it's essentially bare bones.
"Did you do that evil thing?"
"yes, I did that evil thing we will not name"
"Good. Now we shall twirl our moustaches and laugh the evil laugh".
End scene.
Well spank my shapely little backside and call me Sally, author actually answered the question of how the protagonists did in their training. And I kinda now wish he didn't because it's stupid.
let me quote:
(a)Great descriptions. Top-bloody-notch, mate. "They were doing great". I will now sleep content after having witnessed the scene this awesome and emotion-inspiring.
(b)I've not watched a single DBZ episode, and even I know it's Kamehameha. Chrome spell-check knows that it's Kamehameha. Everyone knows that, it's like common knowledge, it's the third word otaku-babies learn, straight after "mama" and "Pikachu". Still you screw it up. Why?
(c)Why is Twilight Sparkle using Kamehameha - a DBZ technique? She has unicorn magic! The magic to change gravity, freeze dozens of ponies in place, teleport and travel through time. Shouldn't she be training with that? Since "they were doing great" I assume it's not actually their teacher that's a moron than makes them train some sort of standard DBZ curriculum instead of assessing and developing their natural strengths, but it's instead author's design. Why even bother with ponies then?
So, as I said, dumb. Like really, really dumb.
Going on.
No, wait a second. "Hits himself in the head with a whiskey bottle several times"
There we go.
Now I can actually process phrases like
"RD went for a side kick to vegta's face but he catch it and sent her flying "GAH!" Rainbow gasped as she went flying into a wall." where inability of author to spell his own protagonist's names is coupled with inconsistent tenses, grammatical mistakes and horrid, horrid style.
A pointless scene, that again pivots with all precision of a pregnant hippo on a prosthetic leg into a transition "and then the training was over".
This chapter is called "Training".
You know what it doesn't have? IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY DESCRIPTIONS OF TRAINING!!!!1111
Literally, none whatsoever.
This is false fucking advertising.