• Member Since 6th May, 2015
  • offline last seen Apr 5th, 2017

2000wires


Comments ( 234 )

Pinkie as a maijin......that makes way too much sense

lot of spelling errors that need to be fixed. But other than that, you're doing great; Keep it up! :pinkiehappy:

Oh boy. This just got awesome in no time flat.

5949224 no I didn't make it. if I made a cover art for this it would look horrrible

like I said in my Author's note I'am asking if I should add the training part or not. should I or should I not?

welp, this is certainly rough around the edges but I enjoy Xenoverse too much to at least not give it a shot. That said, it does need some work.

For one, you never described Toki Toki City at all. no need to dump a huge description in a single paragraph, but you should at least not assume that the audience knows all about the garden-like area full of weird red eyed frogs that the game starts in, or that they landed on a raised dais of stone with a odd alter with seven round slots in it. As the characters look around, tell us about what they are looking at and what they focus on (example, if they are doing the whole wide eyed tourist bit, describe anything around that would interest them, like Twilight would probably find the Information Kiosk fascinating due to how it is a weird hologram thing and Pinkie would be more interested in the people hanging about, but if they are busy getting punched in the face, there is no need to talk about the nice looking plateau in the distance).

Then a Huge Japaneses styled dragon floats in the sky above Trunks.

A better description for Shenron would be something along the lines "A massive, serpentine dragon with blunted antlers and solid red eyes radiated power above Trunks..." just in case the reader did not know what a Japaneses dragon (actually it would be Chinese if I was feeling completely anal about all of this but I am not really) was.

Finally, while there is no canon name for what Freeza's race is, there are a lot of cool names floating about in the fandom for them. Arcosian, being the most popular, as well as The Cold Clan, Frost Demons, and Freeza Clan.

The biggest advice I can give you for this is to get a friend to help you with this. A Beta is useful for catching any sort of mistakes you can make, ranging from grammatical to lore to just plain poor word choice.

This is a good beginning to practice on, and I truly want to see how you handle this. Are the girls going to be forced to all stuff into the same Time Machine? Will they screw around with time even more than the original protagonist did? Will they take Captain Ginyu as their Master?! Questions that I want to be answered, because while I find my own answers funny, I want to see what you come up with.

5951523 thanks for the advice! I forgot to describe it XD my bad but i will edit it!

I couldn't really describe sheron better because 1. i didn't really know how too and 2. i didn't really want to because i would pobly mis spell a few words but i'll edit it to what you said or some thing like what you said.

as for frieza's race name. i forgot all abou the other names for it so i made one up but i think i'll use .Arcosian now

that's why I'am asking for edits and poeple who know the mane 6 and DBz characters better then i do! :)

"Are the girls going to be forced to all stuff into the same Time Machine?" yes, even though i cant rember how big it is, i just pretend they get in a really big one that can fit them. "Will they screw around with time even more than the original protagonist did?" yes. "will they take Captain Ginyu as their Master?!" i don't think so, 1. i don't realy know how and why they're in toki toki world 2. i don't think the mane 6 and spike would accept a villain as their master. also this is not much of a spoiler, because there is much more in the story then just this.

thanks again for the advice!

5952020 yep. and boy whriting a chapter is stuff! I'll see if I can make one torwow too

5952060 LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZs! get it?

5952066 Yup. Just the Grammar needs fixing. Better to be proper then get knocked down for it

5952074 yea... also can you point out the grammer errors?

Ok. I do enjoy this, but It feels very fast pace and seems to require some editing. I would volunteer but I have my hands full at the moment. Find someone willing to help you.

Please check out my new blog called: need help writing fanfict: The Xenoverse

I wonder if the Mane six should run into other time patrollers. Also, I can help with being an editor if you want me too

5958080 that would be great if you could help!

5958104 Just let me know when you have a chapter complete so I can look it over first if you want

5958129 ok. also, how do I make people I would want as a co-writer a co-writer?

5958168 I guess I will have to srach it, by the way, whats your opinion on this chapter? and whats your opinion on the "3 strange beings"?

5958198 Alright. Maybe we can talk this through PM

5958199 whats a PM? or what does it stand for?

5958211 Private message. Basically the Mail section

5958213 just learned that as I was talking to some one in a PM XD.

5958249 anway lets talk this though a PM now.

5958378 currently what iam trying to do :P by the way whats your opinion on this chapter? and whats some of your faviote parts?

BTW, I love the story, but you're really butchering the language. It's good that you're taking my advice of co-writing it or just having a proof reader. I would offer myself, but I haven't got that much free time on my hands.

5958384 "really butchering the language" as in with all the spelling errors and grammer errors? most likely I am, spelling never was really my strong suit you could say

5958383 I would have to say that my favorite part was about Pinkie going on a candy making spree. My least lovable part would be how weak the mane 6 were portrayed. I know they're new to this, but one would think they would at least have enough training to take care of that one fight a little better.

Besides that I would say it's all good, besides the grammar and spelling errors.

5958394 Yes, working with a co-author and proof reader does wonders for your English knowledge. Also, I have a program that automatically points out text it believes to be wrong by adding a red line under it. I believe it's from "Microsoft Word" where the option can be turned on/off for different languages, it works outside of the program as well.

5958396 "My least lovable part would be how weak the mane 6 were portrayed" you could say the "demons" towa and mira had a "little" more help corrupting Raditz. Raditz in this chapter was more corrupted in this timeline OF DBZ Xenoverse.

5958411 I guess I really didn't think about that. Still, I think at least Pinkie, a majin would have stayed conscious. She can survive being obliterated as long as she still has at least one of her cells left...

5958408 I know about the red line under the word thing but I some times spell a word so badly it ether thinks its other word or cant find the word I was trying to spell. some of the spelling errors might be typos because I have a habit of typing fast.

5958422 in my opinion maijins are a bit op so I dicide when there not in a "Solf" form they are hard as a normal organic creature.

5958446 I guess that makes a little sense... But still Pinkie is Pinkie, there is no de-op'ing her.

It would be interesting, rainbow dash to begin to feel jealous of twilight, by that she is becoming more powerful and that end up turning into rivals as goku and vegeta xD

Okay, some of the more frequent problems I notice are:
1. Repeating text. Some text is being repeated.
2. Some words like "nearby" being written as "near by". Something to look at.
3. It's actually Kame-hame-ha. Not kama-hama-ha. The name Kame-hame-ha is translated as "Turtle Destruction Wave" Kame (turtle) Hameha (destruction wave/blast).
4. You also tend to forget about capital letters using Caps Lock.

Otherwise I really do enjoy the story.

5962528 That would actually make for something interesting. But I think it would be best to keep it a bit closer to MLP:FIM and have the rivalry be with Applejack like it always is, Twilight isn't really competitive so it wouldn't make for much of a rivalry.

Hello there! iam 2000wires

I am

this is my first Story so don't expact really good spelling or grammer but iam improving!

expect
grammar
I am

I would like spelling or grammer corrections when something is spelled wrong or something like that.

grammar

I would like for some editers

editors

--more errors skipped---

sheron

Shenron

Please run this though some sort of spell check :raritydespair:

5962599
that is true, but in this story Twilight and Rainbow are sayayins... that means that they become is SSJ, in this way the rivalry could be born, Rainbow seems to vegeta in terms of personality and twilight seems a little Goku since she is very protective with their friends as goku, the sayayins much like the fights and become more strong... AJ is a human not serious competition for RD

5962629 That's all true. as you also see Red (The new Character who belongs to me) Actually has the Kaioken x20 Kamehameha so he does have access to the Kaioken power up...He also has the Full Power Super Saiyan transformation (meaning complete mastery of the form) but he's not going to reveal it till later. I plan to have him the the first to reveal it, Thus, causing Dash and Twilight to find OUT about it in the first place.

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