Hmm.. Just another probably another cliche HiE story.. where i will go into Equestria to meet my own pony self.. Just another life story of me being bored and wish to enter Equestria and it really happen that one day.. Probably will have some crossover from other FIM fics .. self insert fic
Add more tags into the story later..
Forget to add one more info.. English is can be say is my third language and also we learn UK english... so hope u guys can give me some constructive criticism..
Chapters (1)
My first proper fanfic so there might be some mistakes and also i am a bit poor in writing description..
Looks good so far. I will be watching...
601022 thx.. for liking the story.. though the funny thing is that we favourite each other story which is both of us re self insert story.. but anyway thx for favouriting..
I like it, and I laugh at the part where jessica said that Angel it hitting on her
601284 hehe... well i hope things will improve since i am still thinking out more ideas..
601306 and I see that you went with that title as well
601313 felt like the title is suitable... hope that i can make up more interesting ideas since the next part seem to be a bit difficult but i can cope with it ..
601352 then I wish you good luck
There is no shame in having a proofreader, especially if you aren't sure in your grammar. Actually, not having one is worse, because it means you don't care about the quality of your writing. In the unlikely case you already have a proofreader, get another one, because he/she can't do his/her job.
Also, if you ever create an OC that looks like the one on the cover image, brace yourself for a tempest of excretory product. OCs like that have no place in any (serious) fic.
Sorry, I don't enjoy being the devil's advocate (OR DO I?! MWAHAHAH
), but what I say is true. The grammar is atrocious and that image just screams Gary Stu.
Alright...
that was..
something.
As Lucky Roll said - proofreading - Its not just a good idea, its the law. Well, it should be.
. Sorry, but that's the way it is.
Also - the number of OC alicorns that I've ever seen work I could count on one hand, and that's because they're all in the same 200k word epic (ie, big adventure action blarrrgh stuff) story that is explicitly about (among other things) making them work, though seeing as that's your avatar image as well and hopefully not a character... A Self Insert Alicorn and exceptionally garish at that =
Really not at all understanding the plushie thing going on here, but I know people who are into them so I'll put this one down to my own ignorance.
Now I'm going to ask you, because I think you need to ask yourself - what is this story about? Actually and really?
Not to be cruel, but to be constructive.
Looks good will read later as I'm to tired right now
601827 Does spell check count as a proof reader?
That's what I use, and I think I use pretty good grammer. My only flaws are commas and semi colon. 
I wish it was that easy. but to be a nab, I'll give you an example of why not. "My only flaws are commas and the semi colon."
Ok.. that was underhanded of me, but imagine that, but 4000 words, and you've left accidentaly left plot holes so wide it could be an impromptu swimming pole. Prereaders are a boon
601827 I can't help but agree with this.
Like I've always told you, a simple thing like poor grammar can kill a story.
I still think you really need to take a little break and work out the details of this story first before you proceed.
WIth a face like that
I am pretty much inclined to agree with anything you say
603291 Damn right.
And that later part was directed towards AngelicoreXX, but feel free to remain terrified anyway!
601827 well currently i just let the story go with the flow .. its hard to say anyway since this is the first chapter.. cant really judge the first chapter anyway sides i dont have any other image i can use so i guess i will use that temporary.
They say not to judge a book by its cover.
or the reader is disinterested
. I don't mean to be cruel, but writing for an audience is different from writing just for the sake of it. You're expected to go the extra distance, be it an inch of a mile, because if you don't show care and attenion to what you create, nobody else will.
A google search might crop up an image you quite like, and setting a new one is easy. At best your present one is inaccurate. At it's worst it's dissuasive. 
They're right.
That's what the first chapter is for. That's what gets all the judging. It either sets the hook,
603798 thats ok .. i guess it will be quite hard anyway... since this is a story on myself though ... probably need to ask some1 to help me draw a pic..
601827 sides even though he look like an alicorn but to be honest it can actually switch modes so as in to perfectly hide the parts as if people think that he is a pegasus or an unicorn.. as in mode change.
*sigh* ok first things first there reactions were weird. You wake up in a room not your own and see a cloaked figure that then is revealed to be your plushie and your ok with that!? Than she says oh im in equestria and your still ok with that... Seriously do you think you would actually act like that. I will look out for this but its already lost some flow for me.
Yaigh! From the description itself, I can kinda see why this's gotten so-much down-votes.
But as another fellow Bruneian, I could put that aside for now and try to read this fic. After all, you ARE the first Bruneian I've found in FiMFiction.
...
Also, ellipses (...) has three dots, not two (..).
Now, going full-blast honesty from here on now that I've read it:
Asides from the occasional mistakes in the grammar, the English was passable, considering it's your third language. Yes, there are some punctuation missing in certain sentences and the inappropriate usage of semi-colons here and there but hay, at least, you didn't try experimenting them on an exam or anything--which I did, unfortunately.
Concerning story pacing goes, from this fic, it could use some tweaking here and there. In one sentence, you introduced to us a mysterious figure wrapped around in a black cloak without any discernable features. The main character to feel a bit tad scare for a while but, all that was washed away in a single instant when the figure revealed it(?)self as her bunny, as if the fear was never there in the first place. It did not help that the gap between the intro of the figure and the reveal was in a space of just four sentences. The suspense was released before it had a proper build-up!
Also, show more than you have to tell. I can see that this fic was kinda short but not that long: it heavily relies on the narrator 'telling' the readers what they need to know and what's going on in the story as opposed to him showing the details, instead--though there are some 'showing' it's not that much.
If that's too tl;dr, here's a short one: English is okay. Learn how to build-up suspense. More showing than tell. If you have the time though, you could just read Ezn's writing guide conveniently placed near the logo in the FAQ section.
All in all, 'twas an okay story--albeit too fast and eager to end itself quickly. And I hope to read your other fic, which somehow managed to get a better review than this one. For the record, having a self-insert, HiE fic as your first one was probably not a good idea
--especially when the description itself states 'twas your first one and that has always been a down-vote magnet anywhere in 73h 6r347 W3bz. 
(Cower before my 1337 skills!)
Anyways, I've got a Maths exam tomorrow and I'm tired--four hours of sleep is bad, ESPECIALLY during exams. Hopes this helps, even though I haven't posted anything here...yet.
-remember62, 'recently joined user; lurker of FiMFiction since MicTheMicrophoneZero's dramatic reading of MLD.'
3108697 PS. inb4walloftext
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