Meeting One's Self

by angelicoreXX

Prologue

Life for me doesn’t seem like moving much since currently I don’t go to school since I had finished school last year and have undergo months of holiday.

Well my story of becoming a brony is kind of interesting as my friend introduce me watch pony turnabout which is a crossover of phoenix wright and my little pony. At first I don’t catch much of the story since I am not a brony at that time and after watching the show, I got seriously bored so I started watching the first episode of my little pony which easily make me hooked to the show as I notice that the show animation and also character interaction is so great. Then I started doing research and found out that Lauren Faust is the one who reboot the show and I seriously wanted to thank her for rebooting this show.

Well before I become brony I am already in another fandom. I don’t think I should call it fandom more like obsession since I love stuffed animal a lot. Currently I have a cinnamon swirl bunny which I hold the dearest to me. But also wish that she is alive moreover talk or return my love to me. Even though it is a plush yet I can still feel its love to me.

Fast forward to the current time is me currently sitting in front of the pc, listening to pony music and other people chatting in Cardboardbox Synchtube. Feeling the usual boredom struck me so in the end just read fanfics at Fimfiction.
After searching through some of them and read the good ones.. There are nothing else to read so in the end just decide to go take an afternoon nap..

The usual me cuddle my bunny and notice that something is not right.

“Weird I can’t feel its usual presence.” I think while cuddle my bunny plush and sleep feel asleep. (plush lovers can feel whether the plush can love back the owners or not.)

In the dream world

I enter into what look like a large white room though it is mostly empty but yet have something what I think I can call the room as good looking and notice there is a someone wearing a black cloak sitting on a chair and look at me as if was expecting to meet me..

“Hey Yii Hung; I was expecting you to be here.”

I flinched and respond in a brave tone but in truth I was afraid “How do you know what’s my name?”

“Of course I know I have been by your side for a long time. Just that you didn’t notice it much since you were like always cuddle as well as talk to me.”

I think a bit and realize what she meant, “Jessica, is that you??”

She stands up and then removes her cloak, flicked her ear aside so that it doesn’t impale her vision. Her beautiful black eyes look at me as if like an angel looking at a human.

“Finally you recognize who I am as I was waiting for you to answer me,” She responded with a happy tone and held out her hands to imply that she want to cuddle me.

I start to thinking whether she is actually joking or whatsoever while I was slowly move closer to her but then she shook her head which imply that she is not hostile and her smile ease me into thinking that it is her who has been waiting for me for a long time.

I dash to her just so that I can embrace her but instead I passed through her as if she is like a ghost. Luckily I manage to stop myself from falling over.

“What the heck, Jessie what happen?” I touch her and feel like touching air.

“Well I am not physically here as I am currently in another place.” She replied in a sad way furthermore she was nearly broke out in tears.

I walk to her and act like I put my hands on the shoulder in an expression of comforting her. “Cheer up, Jessica at least you are here is good enough though I was wondering what happen anyway since I didn’t feel any presence from my favourite plush.”

“Well to be honest I am currently in Equestria, Fluttershy is taking care of me although Angel is like trying to flirt with me.”

I giggled when I hear that Angel trying to flirt with my plush but quickly stop when I see her pouts and was like trying to punch me for insulting her what I think of it as Angel has become her boyfriend, seeing her cute face being angry make me felt so guilty.

At least I was content that she is safe in the hands of a very caring animal caretaker and let alone my favourite pony from the show.

“What about the other mane 6, have you met them already??” I was eager to hear her reply since she was in Equestria and such but then suddenly I see her feel a bit tired so decided to ask her next time..

“You seem to be very tired so I guess I will be going now.”

“Wait Yii Hung wanna come to Equestria... That is if you want to...” Jessica was like fiddling her paw which nearly gives me heart attack when I see her adorable side is brought out.

As soon as she say Equestria i was even wondering whether she is more like joking or what but seeing her mention those events making me less doubting but still I don't really believe what she say.

“Sure, why not? Seriously i can go to Equestria?? Then what bout my--- "Jessica act like using her paw and cover my mouth. Her expression tells me not to worry about anything.

“Alright I trust you since you are my partner after all.”

“Let’s go,” Jessica chop the air and slice open a portal. Shocked that she can manage to do that but then I shunned that idea. The sudden sensation of her grabbing me was astonishing as her paw is so soft.

As we entered the portal there is a bright light which make me wake up from my dream. It was one of those dreams where I could manage to see my dearest angel. But too bad that dream has to end.

Back to the reality

Then I suddenly suspect that there is something wrong. Well it is actually two things..

My bunny is no longer in my arms. It is not beside me or anything then I caught a glimpse of someone is sleeping beside me when I was busy looking for my bunny but he is slowly waking up..

Comments

[angelicoreXX]

My first proper fanfic so there might be some mistakes and also i am a bit poor in writing description..

[YourPrivateNightmare]

Looks good so far. I will be watching...

[angelicoreXX]

601022 thx.. for liking the story.. though the funny thing is that we favourite each other story which is both of us re self insert story.. but anyway thx for favouriting..

[Cyber V]

I like it, and I laugh at the part where jessica said that Angel it hitting on her

[angelicoreXX]

601284 hehe... well i hope things will improve since i am still thinking out more ideas..

[Cyber V]

601306 and I see that you went with that title as well

[angelicoreXX]

601313 felt like the title is suitable... hope that i can make up more interesting ideas since the next part seem to be a bit difficult but i can cope with it ..

[Cyber V]

601352 then I wish you good luck

[Lucky Roll]

There is no shame in having a proofreader, especially if you aren't sure in your grammar. Actually, not having one is worse, because it means you don't care about the quality of your writing. In the unlikely case you already have a proofreader, get another one, because he/she can't do his/her job.

Also, if you ever create an OC that looks like the one on the cover image, brace yourself for a tempest of excretory product. OCs like that have no place in any (serious) fic.

Sorry, I don't enjoy being the devil's advocate (OR DO I?! MWAHAHAH ), but what I say is true. The grammar is atrocious and that image just screams Gary Stu.

[ambion]

Alright...
that was..
something.

As Lucky Roll said - proofreading - Its not just a good idea, its the law. Well, it should be.
Also - the number of OC alicorns that I've ever seen work I could count on one hand, and that's because they're all in the same 200k word epic (ie, big adventure action blarrrgh stuff) story that is explicitly about (among other things) making them work, though seeing as that's your avatar image as well and hopefully not a character... A Self Insert Alicorn and exceptionally garish at that = . Sorry, but that's the way it is.

Really not at all understanding the plushie thing going on here, but I know people who are into them so I'll put this one down to my own ignorance.
Now I'm going to ask you, because I think you need to ask yourself - what is this story about? Actually and really?
Not to be cruel, but to be constructive.

[LightningS]

Looks good will read later as I'm to tired right now

[Armalite]

601827 Does spell check count as a proof reader? That's what I use, and I think I use pretty good grammer. My only flaws are commas and semi colon.

[ambion]

I wish it was that easy. but to be a nab, I'll give you an example of why not. "My only flaws are commas and the semi colon."

Ok.. that was underhanded of me, but imagine that, but 4000 words, and you've left accidentaly left plot holes so wide it could be an impromptu swimming pole. Prereaders are a boon

[ShrimpShogun]

601827 I can't help but agree with this.

Like I've always told you, a simple thing like poor grammar can kill a story.

I still think you really need to take a little break and work out the details of this story first before you proceed.

[ambion]

WIth a face like that I am pretty much inclined to agree with anything you say

[ShrimpShogun]

603291 Damn right.

And that later part was directed towards AngelicoreXX, but feel free to remain terrified anyway!

[angelicoreXX]

601827 well currently i just let the story go with the flow .. its hard to say anyway since this is the first chapter.. cant really judge the first chapter anyway sides i dont have any other image i can use so i guess i will use that temporary.

[ambion]

They say not to judge a book by its cover.
They're right.
That's what the first chapter is for. That's what gets all the judging. It either sets the hook, or the reader is disinterested. I don't mean to be cruel, but writing for an audience is different from writing just for the sake of it. You're expected to go the extra distance, be it an inch of a mile, because if you don't show care and attenion to what you create, nobody else will. A google search might crop up an image you quite like, and setting a new one is easy. At best your present one is inaccurate. At it's worst it's dissuasive.

[angelicoreXX]

603798 thats ok .. i guess it will be quite hard anyway... since this is a story on myself though ... probably need to ask some1 to help me draw a pic..

[angelicoreXX]

601827 sides even though he look like an alicorn but to be honest it can actually switch modes so as in to perfectly hide the parts as if people think that he is a pegasus or an unicorn.. as in mode change.

[Ambassador_Derpius]

*sigh* ok first things first there reactions were weird. You wake up in a room not your own and see a cloaked figure that then is revealed to be your plushie and your ok with that!? Than she says oh im in equestria and your still ok with that... Seriously do you think you would actually act like that. I will look out for this but its already lost some flow for me.

[PastMasks]

Yaigh! From the description itself, I can kinda see why this's gotten so-much down-votes.

But as another fellow Bruneian, I could put that aside for now and try to read this fic. After all, you ARE the first Bruneian I've found in FiMFiction.

...
Now, going full-blast honesty from here on now that I've read it:
Asides from the occasional mistakes in the grammar, the English was passable, considering it's your third language. Yes, there are some punctuation missing in certain sentences and the inappropriate usage of semi-colons here and there but hay, at least, you didn't try experimenting them on an exam or anything--which I did, unfortunately. Also, ellipses (...) has three dots, not two (..).

Concerning story pacing goes, from this fic, it could use some tweaking here and there. In one sentence, you introduced to us a mysterious figure wrapped around in a black cloak without any discernable features. The main character to feel a bit tad scare for a while but, all that was washed away in a single instant when the figure revealed it(?)self as her bunny, as if the fear was never there in the first place. It did not help that the gap between the intro of the figure and the reveal was in a space of just four sentences. The suspense was released before it had a proper build-up!

Also, show more than you have to tell. I can see that this fic was kinda short but not that long: it heavily relies on the narrator 'telling' the readers what they need to know and what's going on in the story as opposed to him showing the details, instead--though there are some 'showing' it's not that much.

If that's too tl;dr, here's a short one: English is okay. Learn how to build-up suspense. More showing than tell. If you have the time though, you could just read Ezn's writing guide conveniently placed near the logo in the FAQ section.

All in all, 'twas an okay story--albeit too fast and eager to end itself quickly. And I hope to read your other fic, which somehow managed to get a better review than this one. For the record, having a self-insert, HiE fic as your first one was probably not a good idea--especially when the description itself states 'twas your first one and that has always been a down-vote magnet anywhere in 73h 6r347 W3bz. (Cower before my 1337 skills!)

Anyways, I've got a Maths exam tomorrow and I'm tired--four hours of sleep is bad, ESPECIALLY during exams. Hopes this helps, even though I haven't posted anything here...yet.

-remember62, 'recently joined user; lurker of FiMFiction since MicTheMicrophoneZero's dramatic reading of MLD.'

[PastMasks]

3108697 PS. inb4walloftext
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