I'm sure you've noticed by now that I could use a good editor, or two. Try as I might I can't seem to spot all the typos. Anyone interested let me know.

..........
Luna- you shall surrender Applejack, or will contend with equestria wrath.

Pinkie pie- or we'll sik discord on all of you.

Luna- i believe my threat is the more merciful one..... we shall unleash discord then.

I can tolerate this kind of fetish, I guess, I just hate it when the characters have stupid reactions or handle the idiot ball over it. I sympathise that you're trying to make the ambassador duplicitous and get one over on Celestia and Equestria, but the moment he popped up with a brainwashed slave crawling around wearing nothing but a collar and nipple rings smugly trying to pass himself off as a sympathetic victim, was the moment he should have been banished/locked up and the poor girl taken to a mental health centre.

I guess I could sort of read one of these kinds of stories as long as there aren't plot holes in it, it's written exceedingly well and it's done in a very specific way. You sound at least somewhat self-aware about the flaws in the story judging from the intro, but there are still bits that bug me and some of them might be to do with the fetish itself rather than the story.

5766046

There is actually a reason for the way he's behaving, and for why he's being so blatant about Bother, the little slave. She's not brainwashed, she's just from a very different culture. And that culture is not universal in the land I'm trying to world build.

I do agree that it would be reasonable to suppose that they'd kick his ass out and send her off to a mental health care facility. Only he has diplomatic immunity. We don't toss Saudi royalty out who show up with a string of wives. Even though that practice is not legal in our country.

But that's justification. This is a clop story that aims to develop into a fetish culture. There is simply no way you can justify it in any way by real world rules, or even standard MLP rules for that matter.

I don't really think I can do it all that well, but I am trying to create this universe that is consistent in it's own particular reality. This entire Applejacked story arc is intended merely as stage setting for the stuff that is to come. I could have accomplished it all with a two thousand word prelude and jumped right onto the intense stuff but I wanted to try my hand at world building.

5766160

No, she's literally brainwashed; taught she's an object and property and to depreciate herself from a young age and trained for pleasure by others. You can not just defend it with "different culture". Plus I put the "locked up" suggestion as an afterthought; in a fictional environment it'd be a reasonable if extreme response whereas in real life that wouldn't happen unless he commits a proper crime. The difference is that the Saudis didn't come and parade slaves around in the presence of the head of state.

Anyway, I can appreciate that you're trying to build a world to indulge a fetish culture, but if you're putting this much development into it then there should be some sort of realism to it, if only to fill in plot holes and prevent writing yourself into corners because of how characters act and react.

5766382

Well, I can tell you that her character will not remain static. On the other hand you will likely hate and reject the plot point that she stays property at least in her own mind.

Setting her free would be like kicking a dog out of a cart in the middle of the woods and expecting it to survive just fine is the justification used.

What I'm going to do to the females in this story is never going to be as bad as what happens to so many females in the real world. Like you mother and her females friends holding you down while one of them cuts off your clit with a bit of sharp glass at the age of eleven or younger. Talk about your cultural brainwashing.

The majority of my females are going to remain independent in thought and intention, choosing of their own free will to participate in the project.

Bother the Doe is an outlier. My main goal is to have characters who bond across the master/slave relationship. Genuine love and affection between the two roles. Don't have any interest in degrading and breaking the will and minds of the females in this story.

5765484
Do you know what an Author's Note is? Is where info like this belongs, not in the comments.

5767330

I can empathise, though your last point is a bit suspect to me. The Caridooners (Caridoonese?) have so far shown themselves to be nothing more than liars, rapists, slave masters and brainwashers (there's probably an actual word relating to that but I can't for the life of me figure it out). There could be no genuine love between the two roles in this case, unless for example the dom/sub, master/slave, BDSM relationship is a voluntary agreement with proper boundaries and respect, which a literal slave raped against her will cannot be.

If, say, one of the mares met one of those guys, formed some sort of relationship (whether friendship or romance) then, I don't know, signed some sort of voluntary indenture/give-myself-to-a-master agreement or something, that would maybe

By all means though, you're free to write a proper thing like Fall of Equestria or whatever it seems you're going for here, with mind break and rape and all, that's not what I was criticising (and that criticism was mostly a warning for characterisation and character reactions in the future of the story). The reactions in the first chapter were somewhat implausible, but they got better in the next one. They kept it a little too on the down-low when this is a diplomatic crisis that is worthy of a declaration of war (how a coalition of nations hasn't burned the country to the ground already I have no idea). While they probably wouldn't light the beacon for the whole of Equestria after AJ got kidnapped, there'd probably an emergency security meeting, some form of mobilisation a la "A Canterlot Wedding". This isn't related to just your story mind you, a lot of fics have a potentially catastrophic crisis handled by pretty much Celestia, Luna and a couple of other people maybe.

One criticism I do have is that the barrier that can't even be penetrated by an alicorn or, I assume, a concentrated effort of many sorcerers, is fairly contrived plot device. Tack on to that the teleportation and astral projection and you have some serious magic thrown around. You should put some time into explaining how they got all that power.

Also, regarding your point of:

Setting her free would be like kicking a dog out of a cart in the middle of the woods and expecting it to survive just fine is the justification used.

I'm not saying that she should or would just be "released into the wild", but undergo therapy and treatment and steady process of mending and rehabilitation. There's no justification for that not to have been the case, though I guess now it's moot since she's in Equestria without her slavemaster and she'll undergo therapy anyway.

It seems most BDSM fics of the darker, creepier vein (i.e. Rape, slavery and mindbreak) are shorter stories where the key players are isolated from the rest of society in some way, which is usually for the reason that writing how other characters react to the situation and respond realistically while keeping to the spirit of the fetish is difficult. You've presented yourself with a real challenge trying to apply this stuff to a universe with realistic, detailed worldbuilding and compelling story. I'm just not sure if are going to bite off more than you can chew when you try to have your cake and eat it too.

5767424

sorry. It will be there from now on. I just wanted to give fair warning to any readers

5767453

If you decide to give up on the story I fully understand. But not everything is as it seems and I have some sections coming up what show life In Caridoon that is very different from what the Unicorns are trying to convince the Princesses exists.

There is a lot of deliberate smoke and mirrors going on, on the part of the Unicorns. It's contrived, but there is a reason.

The invulnerable stronghold is an overpowered plot device. I have considered that. Hopefully by the time the story arc if finished how I explain it, and show it's liability and weaknesses will make it more acceptable.

Caridoon is not immune to Alicorn Magic, or ability. It's just a hard nut to crack. Again, will be dealt with in upcoming chapters, that are finished. Don't want to give out spoilers.

Whether how it is dealt with will make it better for you I can't say. All I can say is that I recognize your points and tried to address them over the course of this story arc.

Lost track of this a while back, and I am looking forward to seeing what you do with this story as well.

5767845 Thank you. Entire Applejacked story arc is roughed out. No fear it won't be completed. What is up in the air is if anything will progress from there. All depends on the response her and on the group I set up for the project.

5767862 The interesting thing is this story can show what the Caribou nation would be like without the entire drive of holding down a conquered nation. Sure it might be the plan, but the Caribou are still an isolated nation at this point of the story.

5768537

Caridoon is not the Caribou Nation. They are but one tribe of many in the valley. And they've been in it long enough that they have next to no resemblance to what they were before they were dragged in.

There are malcontents, who have a warped view of the good old days. Those are the sort who go to work for the Unicorn's as mercenaries as the Unicorn King has promised them freedom and the ability to resume the way of their ancestors.

Why do all shitty mass-rape fictions pick on Reindeer?

What did Rudolph do to you, huh?

5769036

For me it was simply drawing northern species out of a hat. Also have a pair of Moose called Rutt and Tuke who will be making a cameo appearance. Check out the Disney Picture Brother Bear for some idea of their character.

Have Elk and wood stags, White Tailed deer and Caribou of course. I mention Yaks, but for the life of me I can't picture an attractive female Yak.

But actually, did I use Reindeer? Can't for the life of me remember. But they are sneaky bastards, Flying through the night, sneaking into houses with their accomplice Santa. Who knows what they might get up to.

Liking this story and world so far. Don't let the down votes distract you, rape fics always get targeted.

More please!

wait , another open rape fetish universes? isn't there enough of those already?....

5766382
About the cows being brainwashed... well, thtiger seems to set up his cows similar to how they are in Fall of Equestria (and he does a good job with that btw.), and I think it's not that simple. If the cows here are really similar to what they are in Fall of Equestria, the most important thing you have to keep in mind is that they are not humans. They actually do have a submissive tendency by nature, and I believe it has to do with the way their sense apparatuses function. Of course, that doesn't justify outright enslaving them like the stags do in Fall of Equestria (even Gunne calls some of the things they do to their cows unfair in the latest chapter of Schorl Tourmaline's Bruised Apples), but you also can't just treat them as fully autonomous beings like you could in case of a human. They simply wouldn't be able to handle living their lives on their own, making their own decisions and everything that comes with it. Therapy also doesn't cut it because it almost certainly isn't just a psychological issue, it's a physical and neurological one. You can try to find new ways to help a cow live her life, but you can't just cure her from what she is. You cannot cure someone who is not sick.

I'm writing a Post-Fall fic right now where a group of good stags cooperate with mares to free Equestria from Dainn's regime and redeem their own race, and while my story is also a crossover with Elder Scrolls (the Daedric Princes exist in my universe), I try to stay as close as possible to Fall of Equestria's canon when it comes to characterizing the caribou. In my story, my resistance group really wants to abandon slavery, and the mares are obviously happy about it, but they have enormous problems with finding a new way to deal with the cows. They simply have neither the capacity to understand anything else, nor the desire for anything else. You have to introduce them to new ways of life slowly, and you also can't say in advance what will work. In one of the chapters of my story, my main character will say that he has no idea what he is doing, that he's more or less just blindly trying out new things in order to see what might work.
In an earlier concept of my story, my main character actually would have dealt with the cows the same way you propose: give them a kind of "therapy" to change what they are. I had several chapters done for that concept already, but a few weeks ago, I scrapped everything I had done so far and started from scratch, and one reason for this decision was that I realized it simply doesn't work that way with the cows.

Also, I already like Bother very much. She might become my favorite character in this story.

5771482

This is not totally true I'm afraid.

There is a story point behind why the little Doe, Bother behaves this way.

It's more a reflection on the Unicorn's and the culture they personally foster than on her.

5771587
Well, she does behave like a cow from Fall of Equestria, and the way you write her is absolutely marvelous. If the reasons are different in your story, okay. My points still hold true for the cows in Fall of Equestria though.

5770067

This started out as a project to see if I could create one that actually had a solid foundation that set the stage for the eventual creation of that universe.

And there is going to be far more consensual kink than outright rape once the ball gets rolling.

The biggest part of this universe I'll be working on is going to be focused on the various characters being trained to pass as natives of the country in question in preparation for a large stage infiltration. For which 'most' of them volunteer.

One theme I'll toy with is. "Is it morally better to send a soldier into another country to kill, spending months training him so he can override his natural instincts against doing so,

Or to spend the same amount of time training them to pass as sex slaves, spending the same amount of time training them to enjoy the role so they are better able to assume it when it matters.

And sex after all is something everypony does far more easily and often than they kill.

5771625 wow , a fic that's actually going to try and explore something meaningful? pass....
jk lol i admire your ambition and am curious to maybe see how it will turn out , i to have a similar ambition only on a much larger scale i think than you're proposing here.....
and i say maybe cause i still have over 350 other potential fics of interest currently stocked up in the read later section.....

Alright, well, you're actually putting some effort into this unlike the usual crap along the lines of Fall of Equestria or The Society stories. So I'll give you the usual spiel about power levels and stuff. Though honestly, I'm not really feeling up to it.

Basically? You've already run into a major problem. Per canon, Celestia and Luna are fully willing to invade and overthrow a slave owner tyrant in a foreign nation. That's what happened to Sombra. Equestria has at least one more princess now, maybe two if you've had Twilight ascend or not. They also have the Elements of Harmony, or Discord if they don't have the other.

So really? Celestia and Luna should have been planning to invade Caridoon right front the start after hearing the unicorn's story (I'm not going to bother looking up his name. He pretty much doesn't have a character beyond asshole yet.) When Applejack is kidnapped, well that's basically a declaration of war right there, now isn't it? It reveals that the unicorn king is lying, and fully willing to enslave mares. Oh, and then they also have Bother's testimony. All in all if the next chapter doesn't begin with Celestia and Luna gearing up to completely wipe Caridoon off the map, then I'll be disappointed.

Which shouldn't be that hard really. Luna has literally been there before. Even if it was a long time ago, she has some idea where to begin looking, and they have a squadron of super fast flyers and a pony who can literally break the sound barrier to search the area. Then it's invasion time (likely starting with a surgical strike to retrieve Applejack).

You can argue that they aren't powerful enough, but it's really hard to do that without making your character just seem like a Mary Sue. It can be done, and well (the show's done it 4 times already), it just takes some more effort then just 'They are more powerful, because I say so.' (And even then, you've still got other gamebreakers like the Elements of Harmony, the Rainbow Tree, and Discord to explain away). This is really really important so don't neglect it. The biggest reason Fall of Equestria is such shit is because it doesn't give a satisfactory sense of power, and just says Caribou are awesome and all-powerful so suck it. It makes the setting boring and trite, it makes the stories forgettable and stupid. Don't fall into the same trap. Show conflict, show difficulty, show struggle.

Also the implication that Applejack has been raped before, and that Big Mac has a fetish for it is already starting the story off on a low point. (As is some yet again saying magic inhibitors can effect all unicorn regardless of power because fuck logic!)

On the other hoof, the bit with the seeds is genuinely clever. You could (and hopefully do) write a story about Caridoon's conquest by Equestria, and then do a follow up story of them trying to stop the 'sex plague' for lack of a better word, due to infected soldiers and those seeds. We don't have enough good plague stories in this fandom. They always end up as zombies it seems like.

But yeah, a plague is a much harder threat to combat, and if it's just makes sex a need, you can write a really interesting story where they try and stop the plague best they can, but when more and more ponies get infected (including a Princess perhaps? They would be on the front lines after all). they start to see how they can adjust their culture to make sex a harmonious aspect of society rather then have it a slave thing like Caridoon did.

Finally, I know someone said this already, but Celestia could (and should've) had Bother get taken away from the asshole immediately. It's fully legal to demand that she undergo psychological testing to see if she's of sound mind, and since she thinks she's property, she'd flat out fail that test, and then revoke custody of her so she can be rehabilitated. Don't need to punish the asshole at all for that, beyond demanding he leave the country immediately under armed guard.

Also Celestia is an absolute monarch. She does not need to follow the laws at all (and I'm really really sick of stories that have her hamstrung by laws), and can fully just confiscate pretty much anything she wants. She does not need to follow the rules if the rules will result in an unfair or unjust result.

5781709

The power level and why don't they squash him like a bug was on my radar right from the beginning. I happen to fall into the camp that thinks Luna and Celestia are just this side of out and out goddesses. So I gave a lot of thought into why they didn't. Some of it doesn't really fly. If I had wanted them to shut him down in the first chapter I could have easily have them blow through my defenses. but then it would not be much of a story.

Caridoon is a prison, created by the life energy of a pissed off goddess. That will come out.
It's not that easy to get in and out of.

Celestia also has a limitation on what she can do outside of Equestria. That will be explained and used as a plot.

Caridoon is not always there. That's why I named it after Brigadoon. It's like the Crystal Empire, only it comes and goes over and over, not just once.

And when in canon did Celestia simply solve a problem instead of handing if off to Twilight? The limitation I gave her gives and explanation for it, but it also makes it more in canon to not have them curb stomp the bastard.

It's a fetish fic. There is no way I can plug all the plot holes, the basic concept is unreal right from the get go. but I am trying to supply enough explanations that readers can suspend disbelief a bit easier than they might otherwise.

The end game for this world is not to create an enslaved Equestria. It's to create an Equestria where sex is as common as lunch and the ponies have embraced it and enjoy the hell out of it. You can assume that there is tons of vanilla sex going on, but the stories would focus on the games they play.

Rarity the stranded traveler at the mercy of the thuggish farm owners she sought help from.

or, just because sex has become common and matter of fact.

Applejack making an unwise bet with the Flim Flam brothers and has to be a booth bunny, and then some, for a weekend. Only her own honor making her pay off the bet, she could walk away anytime if she wanted to surrender.

Not saying that is an actual storyline I'll be doing, but it could happen, and some other author is free to do it.

5780924

It's a clop fic. Fucked up comes with the territory. I'm just going to try and build a solid foundation.

This story deserves it's dark tag, but other stories I can foresee in this universe would have a simple sex and comedy tag. They won't all be dark. or rape fics. Some of them will feature characters roll playing and just having fun having sex.

5781900

Most of that is good to hear. I hate Fall of Equestria for how lazy and stupid the setting is, and it's nice to hear that your 'endgame' setting isn't necessarily that bad. I'm also glad you aren't doing a enslaved Equestria storyline. It's really really hard to pull off right, and simply not doing it is almost guaranteed to make your setting easier to swallow.

Creating difficulty does go both ways, so sure have Equestria struggle, have them face difficulties, have them face conflict. Again, having Celestia and Luna plan out what they are going to do, is also a good time to showcase their own limitations.

Though I think you'll want to fully explain the Caradoon time warp thing fully. I'm already confused (mostly due to mixing it up with the myth) on how long it actually stays present.

But that attitude about not trying to fill every plot hole is a poor one. Aim for perfection, cause this story is going to set the bar for the rest in your fetish universe. The better you write, the more interest you'll get, and the better the quality of submissions from other authors will be.

And as long as you are willing to try, I'm willing to stick around, help you spot them, and even help you think of solutions to fix them.

5783968

Though I think you'll want to fully explain the Caradoon time warp thing fully. I'm already confused (mostly due to mixing it up with the myth) on how long it actually stays present.

I'm still working it out myself. Caridoon is a prison when all is said and done. Going out of phase with the rest of the world is the same as a lockdown. It happens after a big influx of new prisoners, which has not happened in centuries, or if someone works some major magic that makes it think a prison escape might be underway.

The reason the Unicorn's can only transport two people, and only spaced apart in time is to keep from setting off alarms and causing a lockdown.

There are no guards, that they know of. The valley itself is semi-aware, but not intelligent.

Question, is all this before Keep Calm and Flutter On? Because having Discord on their side can be a BIG game changer. I mean, Caridoon isn't totally invulnerable as you mentioned, just one heck of a hard nut to crack, but if there's any nutcracker that might work, I'd say Discord would be it, after all, how do you stop someone for whom physics, sense and logic are merely optional?

6282260 im gonna gess it's because most writers are males and they would never want that to happen to anyone no matter the circumstance :t .....

but there are some way out there fics that probably do this , or worse....

6282260 Read "The scent darker paths" in it Blueblood is a rapist pig and he gets wicked retribution in one of the chapters.

I'm sorry, but the whole concept of this disgusts me. Goodbye