5858693 Would you have a problem with a human put in this universe of yours? asking because I am going to try to commission someone to write a story set in this universe. instead of a human in Equestria story it would be a human in Caridoon story.
No problem if it is going in the Non-canon folder. If you wanted it incorporated into the main story line we'd have to have a big discussion on plot and setting. PM me if that is the case. Would not hurt to PM me in either case.
Caridoon was created so anyone who wanted to use that land could find just about any type of Furry they wanted to use. Not such a stretch to toss a human into it. Though I have to wonder why you wouldn't just use an Anthro pony? Or other creature.
There is also implicit a wide variation in how a human might be treated, if she was female, depending on where she showed up.
5861639 You know I first thought that the Unicorn, with everyone else in Caridoon, where just sick bastard who had no respect for the females. But after reading this chapter, I was pleasantly surprised to find out the only REAL sick bastards are the unicorns, who are also on the verge on extinction because of it.
Caridoon is a big country, with tons of tribes. The treatment of females likely varies.
So any other author who wanted to place a female character in a grim dark setting likely could, but for me I'm going with this depiction.
As you might have figured out from this chapter, part of the theme of this story arc is to establish that Luna and Celestia are getting a warped view of Caridoon Society in general. And are making their plans according to that misunderstanding.
5863094 Exactly. And her experience was at the hands of the same Tribe they are dealing with now.
Any plans they make will be based on what they know, and right now they are viewing Caridoon as something like the Fall of Equestria universe. Meaning that extreme measures are justified to counter it.
>>fluffy bunny while that seems in the spirit of things unless its something you're going to explore as an actual plot point. it doesn't need to be there, and if it does, the heros should be learning about it through their discoveries. we don't need magical plot device excuses if applejack is going to go through something that sounds rather unpleasant. at least, I seriously hope so.
It started out as a place holder name for the entity that created the prison, and I ended up rather liking it. It summed up my head canon of the place nicely. It was not meant to be a place of dreadful evil and punishment. But the law of unintended consequences made it that way, until the natives got a handle on the situation and adapted their culture to fit.
However, if you have an alternative, feel free to suggest. Or open a topic in the Caridoon group and invite discussion. I'm not wedded to the name that firmly.
I'm sort of treading a line here in that I'm trying to create a story universe that is larger than any particular story arc. If I think there is a good chance that the characters will discover a fact on their own, then I'll let that happen. But if it's something that they would not discover for many many chapters, and that I think it is important for the readers to be aware of so they can understand the world and not just the small section covered in a particular story arc I'll do it this way.
My magical plot device here is that there is something in Caridoon's plant life that makes sex a necessity and not an option for the residents. This led to the creation of their culture. Originally I was just going to leave it at that, but I decided to get into the how of it.
In some ways you could say it's a bit like the opening of MLP where they tell about the two sisters and the fight between them. Setting the stage in short form so they didn't have to spend the whole season having Twilight figure out the history.
But, hopefully now that this is out of the way there will be few other instances of this sort of data dumping.
>>I'm sort of treading a line here in that I'm trying to create a story universe that is larger than any particular story arc. If I think there is a good chance that the characters will discover a fact on their own, then I'll let that happen. But if it's something that they would not discover for many many chapters, and that I think it is important for the readers to be aware of so they can understand the world and not just the small section covered in a particular story arc I'll do it this way.
the problem is it just doesn't feel natural this way. it feels like a cheap excuse for the plot, for a question I'm not sure anyone was even asking. Having twilight or anyone just find some legend or tidbit in a book is one thing, but having an entire discourse the give a reason for something to exist doesn't feel right, particularly when little tension exists about it. No one needed a reason for their strange sexy culture. it really i just a perverted version of japan's feudal system dialed up to 11 (out of possible 5).
>>In some ways you could say it's a bit like the opening of MLP where they tell about the two sisters and the fight between them. Setting the stage in short form so they didn't have to spend the whole season having Twilight figure out the history.
But that was twilight figuring out their history. she was reading a book on it.
You make a good point. The most important point of this chapter was to show the real Caridoon to the readers instead of the version that Celestia and Luna are being shown. It might be perverted compared to Equestria, but it is not evil. The people are still just folks, they just have a different culture. I could have left off the data dump about the origin.
My problem is that I needed Caridoon to be a threat that drives the motivation of the ponies for the next few story arcs I'm going to be doing. But none of those story arcs will involve showing the true culture of the country.
I didn't want the readers spending the next how ever long it might take. Year or more, thinking it's a Fall of Equestria type culture.
For instance the cultural regard for a mare running around with no collar around her neck. [She looking for a master of her own free will] will play into the first experience some of the characters will have in Caridoon.
The readers will know the background behind the attitude but for the ponies in Equestria it just serves to cement their belief that it is a horrible place and that extreme measures are justified to deal with it.
5873271 Its pretty simple, you follow that strange guy for most of this latest chapter, which makes the point. an outsider doesn't have to read it. it could be someones home work, or a crazy old man on the streat talking about the ancient covenant that sealed them in here from the perspective of the caridoon, rather than equestria.
Dang, you're right. This is why I tried so hard to get some pre-readers before posting.
I'm reluctant to trash it now that I've posted it however. I'll throw the question open to any readers who are interested enough to read the comments. What is the consensus, should I do a full re-write of this chapter?
I can assure you that this should be the last segment like this.
I'll try to really focus on showing not telling as much as possible from now on.
5873347 I don't think a full rewrite is necessary at all, just adding a small scene in the beginning involving that explanation being shown or talked about as opposed to its own scene perspective. Its important to remember (though its a smaller time window than writing so you dont have to follow it much) that in the show, the info dump also told you stuff about two characters. Unless I'm mistaken, this goddess character wont be reappearing much if at all.
I have been thinking on this since your first comment. I think if I were to fix it I'd start it out in the forest where Domi distracts Blue Thunder from his blue balls by giving him a little history lesson behind why they are currently suffering due to a serious lack of female company.
It's just that I have so much else to work on in upcoming chapters and the next two story arcs that I have a hard time getting motivated do fix this right now.
5875191 I dont know, I think as long as you have the blue blunder to work with you can make the scene entertaining, but I guess you've probably written that character enough that even that might be boring now.
As this is a fantasy realm, I felt free to try and create conditions where sex slavery actually made sense. You'll have to read the Caridoon Chapter to get into that.
But that does not mean it has to be degrading and humiliating and hopeless, and I've addressed all of that as well. My eventual goal is to introduce a BDSM culture into Equestria where adult ponies can engage in kinky sex games for the fun of it.
The pegasus stallion scowled and reached across to spank the filly hard across the flank in retaliation. This earning a giggle from both the girls as the gryphon hen figured out what had gone wrong. She returned her friend’s prank by using her wing to tickle the male gryphon under the chin. Causing him to jolt backward. Unlike the pegasus he did lose his place. His cock popped free of the mare’s quim just as he came. A shining fountain of sperm sprayed over the mare’s back and ass. This caused the other three friends to roar with laughter and tease the chagrined gryphon for his lack of control.
This is, weird. This universe is better than Fall of Equestria because the sex slavery and debauchery is only in one isolated place, and the females here are so used to the culture that they're doing this out of their own free will, and they don't get mutilated. That's also good. This is just weird though, dunno why.
5858482 I had to check to make sure I hadn't published the wrong chapter. More badassery coming in regards to Celestia in chapter five.
5858693 Would you have a problem with a human put in this universe of yours? asking because I am going to try to commission someone to write a story set in this universe. instead of a human in Equestria story it would be a human in Caridoon story.
5861591
No problem if it is going in the Non-canon folder. If you wanted it incorporated into the main story line we'd have to have a big discussion on plot and setting. PM me if that is the case. Would not hurt to PM me in either case.
Caridoon was created so anyone who wanted to use that land could find just about any type of Furry they wanted to use. Not such a stretch to toss a human into it. Though I have to wonder why you wouldn't just use an Anthro pony? Or other creature.
There is also implicit a wide variation in how a human might be treated, if she was female, depending on where she showed up.
5861639 You know I first thought that the Unicorn, with everyone else in Caridoon, where just sick bastard who had no respect for the females. But after reading this chapter, I was pleasantly surprised to find out the only REAL sick bastards are the unicorns, who are also on the verge on extinction because of it.
5862146
Caridoon is a big country, with tons of tribes. The treatment of females likely varies.
So any other author who wanted to place a female character in a grim dark setting likely could, but for me I'm going with this depiction.
As you might have figured out from this chapter, part of the theme of this story arc is to establish that Luna and Celestia are getting a warped view of Caridoon Society in general. And are making their plans according to that misunderstanding.
5862994 Yeah but Luna's plan is based on her memories of this place, which from what I understood, is fricking terrible!
5863094 Exactly. And her experience was at the hands of the same Tribe they are dealing with now.
Any plans they make will be based on what they know, and right now they are viewing Caridoon as something like the Fall of Equestria universe. Meaning that extreme measures are justified to counter it.
5862994 Also If I where to make a story in the caridoon universe, would it be okay if I did one with the lunar republic?
>>fluffy bunny
while that seems in the spirit of things unless its something you're going to explore as an actual plot point. it doesn't need to be there, and if it does, the heros should be learning about it through their discoveries. we don't need magical plot device excuses if applejack is going to go through something that sounds rather unpleasant. at least, I seriously hope so.
I would suggest changing the name of goddess of fluffy bunny, but that's totally up to you.
5868991
It started out as a place holder name for the entity that created the prison, and I ended up rather liking it. It summed up my head canon of the place nicely. It was not meant to be a place of dreadful evil and punishment. But the law of unintended consequences made it that way, until the natives got a handle on the situation and adapted their culture to fit.
However, if you have an alternative, feel free to suggest. Or open a topic in the Caridoon group and invite discussion. I'm not wedded to the name that firmly.
5868562
I'm sort of treading a line here in that I'm trying to create a story universe that is larger than any particular story arc. If I think there is a good chance that the characters will discover a fact on their own, then I'll let that happen. But if it's something that they would not discover for many many chapters, and that I think it is important for the readers to be aware of so they can understand the world and not just the small section covered in a particular story arc I'll do it this way.
My magical plot device here is that there is something in Caridoon's plant life that makes sex a necessity and not an option for the residents. This led to the creation of their culture. Originally I was just going to leave it at that, but I decided to get into the how of it.
In some ways you could say it's a bit like the opening of MLP where they tell about the two sisters and the fight between them. Setting the stage in short form so they didn't have to spend the whole season having Twilight figure out the history.
But, hopefully now that this is out of the way there will be few other instances of this sort of data dumping.
>>I'm sort of treading a line here in that I'm trying to create a story universe that is larger than any particular story arc. If I think there is a good chance that the characters will discover a fact on their own, then I'll let that happen. But if it's something that they would not discover for many many chapters, and that I think it is important for the readers to be aware of so they can understand the world and not just the small section covered in a particular story arc I'll do it this way.
the problem is it just doesn't feel natural this way. it feels like a cheap excuse for the plot, for a question I'm not sure anyone was even asking. Having twilight or anyone just find some legend or tidbit in a book is one thing, but having an entire discourse the give a reason for something to exist doesn't feel right, particularly when little tension exists about it. No one needed a reason for their strange sexy culture. it really i just a perverted version of japan's feudal system dialed up to 11 (out of possible 5).
>>In some ways you could say it's a bit like the opening of MLP where they tell about the two sisters and the fight between them. Setting the stage in short form so they didn't have to spend the whole season having Twilight figure out the history.
But that was twilight figuring out their history. she was reading a book on it.
5873234
You make a good point. The most important point of this chapter was to show the real Caridoon to the readers instead of the version that Celestia and Luna are being shown. It might be perverted compared to Equestria, but it is not evil. The people are still just folks, they just have a different culture. I could have left off the data dump about the origin.
My problem is that I needed Caridoon to be a threat that drives the motivation of the ponies for the next few story arcs I'm going to be doing. But none of those story arcs will involve showing the true culture of the country.
I didn't want the readers spending the next how ever long it might take. Year or more, thinking it's a Fall of Equestria type culture.
For instance the cultural regard for a mare running around with no collar around her neck. [She looking for a master of her own free will] will play into the first experience some of the characters will have in Caridoon.
The readers will know the background behind the attitude but for the ponies in Equestria it just serves to cement their belief that it is a horrible place and that extreme measures are justified to deal with it.
Instead of just being a misunderstanding.
5873271
Its pretty simple, you follow that strange guy for most of this latest chapter, which makes the point. an outsider doesn't have to read it. it could be someones home work, or a crazy old man on the streat talking about the ancient covenant that sealed them in here from the perspective of the caridoon, rather than equestria.
5873285
Dang, you're right. This is why I tried so hard to get some pre-readers before posting.
I'm reluctant to trash it now that I've posted it however. I'll throw the question open to any readers who are interested enough to read the comments. What is the consensus, should I do a full re-write of this chapter?
I can assure you that this should be the last segment like this.
I'll try to really focus on showing not telling as much as possible from now on.
5873347
I don't think a full rewrite is necessary at all, just adding a small scene in the beginning involving that explanation being shown or talked about as opposed to its own scene perspective. Its important to remember (though its a smaller time window than writing so you dont have to follow it much) that in the show, the info dump also told you stuff about two characters. Unless I'm mistaken, this goddess character wont be reappearing much if at all.
5874051
I have been thinking on this since your first comment. I think if I were to fix it I'd start it out in the forest where Domi distracts Blue Thunder from his blue balls by giving him a little history lesson behind why they are currently suffering due to a serious lack of female company.
It's just that I have so much else to work on in upcoming chapters and the next two story arcs that I have a hard time getting motivated do fix this right now.
5875191
I dont know, I think as long as you have the blue blunder to work with you can make the scene entertaining, but I guess you've probably written that character enough that even that might be boring now.
5879698
As this is a fantasy realm, I felt free to try and create conditions where sex slavery actually made sense. You'll have to read the Caridoon Chapter to get into that.
But that does not mean it has to be degrading and humiliating and hopeless, and I've addressed all of that as well. My eventual goal is to introduce a BDSM culture into Equestria where adult ponies can engage in kinky sex games for the fun of it.
I have to admit, the opening of this chapter makes me think of Terry Pratchett's Discworld series.
This is, weird. This universe is better than Fall of Equestria because the sex slavery and debauchery is only in one isolated place, and the females here are so used to the culture that they're doing this out of their own free will, and they don't get mutilated. That's also good. This is just weird though, dunno why.