Chapter 2: Simply Unbearable
Chapter 2:
“Ponyville Police Department, what is your emergency?”
“There’s a huuuuuuuuuuuge bear-star-monster thingy attacking the town!”
“Sir, you’re going to have to be more specific about how huge and where this bear-star-monster is attacking the town at.”
“It’s, uh, about a house-high? Maybe two. And it’s, um, right around… uh… the center of town? Near some water tower I think. You can’t miss it, ‘cause it’s huge, giant star-bear-monster.””
“Sir, I believe the scientifically correct term is Ursa Major.”
“What?”
“Actually, by the look of it, I’d say it’s a Minor.”
“You can see it?”
“Yes.”
“Where exactly are you?”
“In my office, cowering behind my desk as I look fearfully out the window.”
“And you’re not even doing anything?”
“I’m currently talking to you, aren’t I?”
“I mean about the giant monster!”
“Ursa Minor.”
“I mean the Ursa Mi—whatever!”
“Sir, have you seen the size of that thing? Neither me nor the rest of the force are paid enough to take that monstrosity on. Plus, terrible healthcare and dental. If I get my bones broken or my teeth knocked in, there isn’t anything the insurance will do to fix it. And if I die, I can expect the cheapest funeral that isn’t just dumping my body in a six-foot hole. It’d probably be five-foot, or worse, four!”
“Then how do you guys even do your jobs?”
“Usually by using superior numbers and kicking the opposition repeatably. Plus, the worse we deal with are usually hobos, hippies, or hobo hippies. They practically kick themselves.”
“Can’t you use any weapons against it?”
“Oh, suuuuuuuure, like some stick and a few gallons of pepper spray can handle that thing. Does it look like I want to die in the next five minutes?”
“I can’t even see you right now.”
“Then I know my hiding place to cower behind is effective.”
“So you can’t do anything?”
“I’m currently talking—”
“Other than that.”
“I’m cowering—”
“Other than that!”
“Uh… how would a gift card sound?”
“...What?”
“I mean, it’s probably expired and stuff since I haven’t used it in a long while, but as long as it calms you down a bit… Sir… Sir?”
“...”
“Hellooooooo?”
“...”
“Did… did the Ursa Minor eat you? Don’t say anything if it did.”
“...”
“Oh sweet Celestia, we were too late! Again! I’m really surprised we haven’t been sued yet… Actually, the being too late part is probably why.”
“...”
“In any event, of the highly unlikely case you’re still alive, thank you for calling the Ponyville Police Department, where your hard-earned bits are definitely being put to good use. Usually.”
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Oh boy. Here we go.
First call earned you a like. Second one earned you a fave... As if I should have expected anything else. RainbowBob's at it again!
Dude, lol. Love it! Keep going!
Ultron approves of this.
5746093
Thank you my black mastah.
Heh. Now this is great.
Upon closer inspection, I've determined that this story sucks ass. So please write more of it.
5746160
If it sucked dick, perhaps.
These are the people that are supposed to protect the town. How appropriate.
Ya know, Ponyville could use a SWAT team.
5746216
Technically they are protecting it. With emotional support. Totally counts.
5746235
Sounds like counselors can replace their roles then.
Oh, this is going to be fun. Just wait until the Crusaders get going...
You yellow sponge bastard
Playing my weakness for Discord in costumes
5746342
Baby you know it.
Brilliant, just brilliant. Pi love this already!
5746173
Suck your own dick
Dammit, RainbowBob, that's not fair. You don't get to use an image of Discord staring seductively, yet playfully, out at the ready while beckoning them into your web of deceit and lies. You do that well on your own.
lel,
s6.postimg.org/dd47s96ap/Pirate_Approved.jpg
Looking forward to more of this madness!
Are the P.P.D ponies going to get names just so we can call them out.
Let's be fair: the average small town police force [1] in the US probably wouldn't be up to taking on an angry bear the size of one of the larger dinosaurs, either.
[1] Well, before 9/11, anyway. You never know now which podunk town cops have been equipped by a concerned government with their own tank or missile launchers to handle cyborg Osama zombie clones.
5747679
Really, most towns in the US have enough rifles in them to probably repel a T-Rex; the main problem is that, well, unless you know what you're doing, the first few shots are probably just going to make it mad.
But, you know, eventually, it will bleed to death.
Or someone will shoot it with a .50 caliber sniper rifle, or a 26mm one.
Because, you know, those are great for hunting deer.
I have written a review of the first two chapters of this story; it can be found here.
5747724
More like a Diplodocus. While you're waiting for it to bleed out, it's going to trash one hell of a lot of your town. Bears shot in the heart have gone a 100 meters before falling. There are feet of hair and flesh to penetrate to get to the heart, and if it's skull is proportionally as thick as a grizzly, we're talking maybe 15 inches or more of bone in the thicker areas. That being said, since a 50 sniper rifle can penetrate an engine block, I suppose it might do the trick if you hit the head in the right place. (Which is a rather small area compared to the size of the head as a whole).
But argument is pointless in any event, since this isn't just a cube-square-law defying bear, but some sort of glowy celestial life form, and we have no idea what its vulnerabilities are. Perhaps bullets go right through it with no effect, or maybe it can be slain with a slingshot stone made of the compacted bone powder of a hanged Pony murderer dug up at midnight. Magical creatures are like that.
Actually, the crown finally figured out that they could just paint cardboard and give it to the Ponyville police force, and they would happily bow and scrape for them. Since they didn't do anything anyways, they figured they might as well pay them according to their work.
Don't worry, these cops have never even seen your tax money.
This needs a reading. Two people, one of whom is the dispatcher, and whoever has a gender-appropriate voice for the caller in a given chapter. It would work just like those dispatch recordings you sometimes see on the news, where both sides are played with subtitles.
The question is, will they be freaking out during the bunny stampede like everyone else, or will you subvert our expectations and make them actually competent briefly?
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/188/d/a/bunny_stampede_by_nerfster-d56c8yr.png
...nah, probably not.
Make a Monty Python reference and I will cut you.