• Published 16th Mar 2015
  • 2,081 Views, 76 Comments

Dial 9-1-1 - RainbowBob



The Pony Police Department turns out to be the most useless organization in Ponyville. But at least they have shiny badges and get a discount on donuts. Everything works out in the end... most of the time... not really.

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Chapter 3: A Little Buggy

“Ponyville Police Department, what is your emergency?”


“The bugs! Oh dear Celestia, the bugs! They’re attacking everything!”


“Sir, the exterminator’s phone number can probably be found in the yellow pages. Heck, I think I can find it for you somewhere in my office. Lemme see…”


“Not those kinds of bugs! I mean parasprites!”


“Para-whatnow?”


“The infestation that is currently eating away at most of the town! Didn’t you even notice it?”


“Uh… notice what again?”


“The parasprites.”


“Oh, riiiiiight. Huh. That would certainly explain all the noise. And the draft.”


“What?”


“Oh, wow, wouldja look at that. They have eaten most of the police station.”


“They’ve what?!”


“Looks like they’re gonna try and eat the rookie too, by the looks of it.”


“AHHHHHHHHHHH!”


“What was that?”


“Just the rookie, screaming over the demise of most of his mane. And tail. And coat. Damn, they’re shaving him to the skin at this rate.”


“Aren’t you going to do something to save him?”


“Duh, of course I am. I’m hiding under my desk.”


“How is that saving him?”


“Define ‘saving him?’”


“Helping him not get eaten.”


“I think I have a can of bug spray here somewhere.”


“Are you really just this incompetent?”


“I’dunno, sir, it is a Monday after all.”


“If you can’t ever save your fellow officer, how can I expect you to save the rest of the town?”


“Whoa, whoa, whoa, who mentioned anything about saving something at this very moment that wasn’t me just now?”


“Uh… me.”


“Pfft, that’s stupid.”


“But you’re a police officer!”


“Who was never trained on how to deal with an apocalyptic bug invasion spelling doom for the entire world with a capital D.”


“When who can I expect to save Ponyville?”


“Duh. Who you gonna call?”


“Not the police, as I’m now learning.”


“That, but also the exterminator. Much better equipped, plus better paid from what I’m hearing.”


“Ugh, just great.”


“Better dental too. Can you believe that? Why, if I wasn’t about to be consumed by some freakishly cute insect abominations right now, I have half a mind to--”


“Look, while I’d love to continue this conversation, a pack of paraspites is about to eat the phone booth, along with me in it.”

“In case you haven’t been eaten alive yet, I’d just like to say and am obligated to say no matter what, thank you for calling the Ponyville Police Department, where your hard-earned bits are definitely being put to good use. Also, it appears I’ve just talked to no one, seeing how the parasprites had just eaten most of the phone and I’m not talking into a receiver for no apparent reason other than to stall time beca--OH SWEET FOAL CELESTIA NOT THE FACE!”