Not another Pony in Equestria

by Admiral Biscuit

Liquid Diplomacy

Liquid Diplomacy and Other Stories
Liquid Diplomacy
Admiral Biscuit

Today was a beautiful day in Canterlot. Celestia had raised the sun just so, and her little ponies had worked their tails off through the night to make sure that the gardens would be perfect for visitors. For today, Celestia was going to finally make a treaty with the llamas.

She'd known about them for centuries: one of their explorers had once sailed a wooden ship all the way to Equestria, and claimed it as sovereign llama territory. A few delicate meetings with prospective settlers had cleared that misunderstanding up, and they'd gone back home. From that point on, they were rarely seen, owing to the vast distance between nations.

Over the years, technology had shrunk that distance. Nowadays, a sailing ship could travel there in weeks if the winds were favorable, and the next generation of airships would be able to make it in even less time.

She glanced in her bedroom mirror to make sure that her regalia was all in its proper place, and happily trotted off to the throne room. She hadn't eaten breakfast, and wouldn't. For some reason, even after century upon century of practice, she always got butterflies in her stomach before meeting foreign dignitaries for the first time.

There was a time when she'd greet diplomats wherever was convenient for them, but a rumor had gotten started that she'd slighted the griffons by meeting with them in a cloud pavilion rather than in her throne room. It was a stupid rumor, and that hadn't been her intent at all, but it had provided the catalyst for dozens of conflicting and occasionally incendiary opinion pieces in Equestrian and Griffonese newspapers, as well as the seapony press, which had inexplicably decided to weigh in on the issue. She had no intention of making that mistake again, and met everyone in the throne room.

Which was too bad. It was a beautiful spring day, and she'd rather have been outside.

She nodded politely to the door guards and serenely followed the red carpet to the dais and her throne. Since she was feeling a bit frisky, she actually bowed to her throne guards before taking her place.

Precisely two minutes later—Celestia had been keeping track in her head—the great doors opened again. A page solemnly high-stepped down the carpet, while the llama retinue trailed behind him.

The llamas themselves were fairly plain. One had an off-white coat, one had a gray coat, and the final llama—the one in the lead—had a dun-colored coat. Their accessories, however, brightened them considerably. They were all wearing ponchos across their backs, with broad stripes in cheerful colors and beautiful needlework patterns. The two rear-most llamas wore chullos that closely matched their ponchos; the lead llama had a flamboyant montera on his head.

They paused at the base of the throne and the page cleared his throat unobtrusively. “Presenting King Carlos, principe de las llamas y el portador del sombrero.”

Celestia stepped off her throne and bowed, then descended the steps to the floor to greet them as equals. She bowed again at the base of the stairs. “I am Princess Celestia, protector of Equestria. On behalf of my citizens, I am honored to accept your nations' friendship.”

King Carlos looked her square in the eyes and spit in her face.

Princess Celestia stumbled backwards as the noxious liquid burned into her eyeballs, and began blinking frantically to clear them. She heard the rattling of the throne guards' equipment as they piled onto the diplomats, holding them down as more and more guards rushed from their stations to join the fray.

She used the back of her foreleg to wipe some of the gooey mess off her face, then stared down at King Carlos, who was near the bottom of the heap. “Why would you do that?”

He shrugged. “It is how llamas greet new friends.”

Author's Note:

Based on an idea by Scarheart.
The title is courtesy of Estee.

Click through for the story notes.

Comments

[Admiral Biscuit]

5691684
I leave that up to my readers.
In canon, he's a stallion, though

[AppleTank]

Ow.

[Talon and Thorn]

So they're Spanish Fremen then?

[Scarheart]

Short. Simple. Llovely llama llinguistic salutations!

[pterrorgrine]

5692472
Shit, you're right. Lesson learned: don't copy-edit after midnight.

I think I can answer that question, but I'm not sure I should.

[Admiral Biscuit]

5692362
I'm not sure what that is.

[El Comal]

The llamas now visited Sun City.

[CCC]

5692696

Fremen - a desert-dwelling tribe of humans, from Dune and its sequels. Due to their desert lifestyle, they place incredible importance on water, which they recycle to an incredible degree - spitting on a visiting diplomat is considered "a gift of one's body's water" and a sign of great regard (and almost caused a rather nasty incident when meeting a group of diplomats who did not understand Fremen customs).

[Forderz]

5692696
5693592

Finally, someone else who hasn't read Dune! All I know about it is "The spice must flow" and worms are important in a way that differs from Tremors.

[Admiral Biscuit]

5693592
Thank you!

5694526
Yeah, that's pretty much it for me, too, except that I didn't know the spice was from Dune.

[Admiral Biscuit]

5694510

.Inflamed labia?

That's . . . um, that would be quite the inflammation. Especially since a horse**** is huge....

[Europa]

King Carlos looked her square in the eyes and spit in her face.

I knew it.

[legomaster00156]

Cultural differences, my friends.

[FanOfMostEverything]

And this is why it's best to do a little sociological homework before meeting foreign dignitaries. How else will you know what to expect?

[PresentPerfect]

"And wearer of the hat."

Truly a noble if ever there was one.

[BigBossAlmighty]

5692696 I could not stop myself:

King Carlos looked her square in the eyes and spit in her face.
Princess Celestia stumbled backwards as the noxious liquid burned into her eyeballs, and began blinking frantically to clear them. She heard the rattling of the throne guards' equipment as they piled onto the diplomats, holding them down as more and more guards rushed from their stations to join the fray.
She used the back of her foreleg to wipe some of the gooey mess off her face, then stared down at King Carlos, who was near the bottom of the heap. “Why would you do that?”
He shrugged. “It is how llamas greet new friends.”

Celestia: "Well, in that case."

[Kage no Brony]

The two rear-most llamas wore chullos that closely matched their ponchos; the lead llama had a flamboyant montera on his head.

Wait. Guys. Guys! Guys!

This makes them Llamas with hats!

Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarl...