You warned me that the second chapter is long. ??? It is only over 11,000 words. Even with going through both chapters I will eat through them both in one sitting easy. I thought it might be around 50,000 words or something. The fifth chapter to the last story I put out is over 32,000 words. Now that is a lengthy read. Though chapters on some stories are considerably longer.

I also see the anthro tag on this. Never did like that tag. It is misleading in its meaning. All the ponies in the cartoon and stories are anthro. The tag should be human pony, or something like that. Aside from that, I also am not a fan of human form ponies, or stories about them. I like them as ponies. Though I said I will give this a read, and so I will. I do give one warning of my own. I am not a critic. So anything I may have to say about this would rather be on the bland side if you where looking for one who might be able to find flaws in the story you might wish to fix. The most I might tell you is if I like it or not, and possibly why.

5692008

Then there's the rape scene...

Rape is like Nitro-9. Handle carefully or...

I had that prob with a past story of mine, One suggested removing it. I saw no reason why not. So I did. Had made it much more gory and dark without it after a near full remake of the story, and mostly that part of the story. Still the story was no big hit even after that. However I personally prefer the remake I made over the original with the rape scene in it.

I am done with what you got so far. And I got a list of comments. So here we go!

Been part way through chapter 1. I am so far liking Dark Conquest.

The unicorn’s eyes opened wide in horror as she looked into the dragon-like eyes of Conquest. “N-no, you can’t- I mean...! No, please, not that! Oh god, please no!”

OK, found that part funny. I see why he likes his other given name, and how he possibly came by it.

The rape scene was mild for what I have seen in other stories. Rape is rape, but this was not terribly graphic. Not that I did better in the one I removed from a past story of mine. I do think the one I made was a bit more gory and savage. The one you put in kind of just made a point, without overdoing it. So nice touch.

One spelling error that caught my eye in chapter 2-

It was a ritual he had started ever since Twilight had died, and in his own way, it was ow he kept her in his heart.

-it was how he kept her in his heart.

Not to say I have not got a kick out of other parts of the story this one got me more than most.

Dash playfully turned to Fluttershy and silently made a whipping noise, to which Applejack objected, “Hey, nothing wrong with a guy liking to work around the house for a bit.”

I caught sight of another error, I think.

That’s why I wanted to be with them, not because they were warriors, but because they were the best fliers out there. I wanted to beat them, but now, its like the only type of fun is what he wants!

Correct me if I am wrong but I do think you meant- I wanted to be them. -or- I wanted to be one of them.
Sure Rainbow Dash is competitive and wishes to be the best, and sees herself as great, but I am not sure if you meant for her to say she wishes to beet them, rather than join them. Then again, maybe you did.

A cloaked figured watched as the group left the corner, a small smile on her face. Tearfully, she ran her gloved hand along the door, while her hand glowed a violet magical aura that closed the door.

Dun Dun Daaaa! I think we have Twilight in the story now.

I think I found another error.

Rarity, who was laying on a blanket while Spike was sleeping on her lap, looked to Rainbow Dash, “Indeed, there were rumors that you had you had even given up the speedster life.”

Looks like you got a double- "you had"- and you might be able to do with out the- "even" in there to get- there were rumors that you had given up the speedster life.”

OK, I had a pretty good laugh at that-

the pink girl reached into her mess of hair and pulled out a large bat. “I should warn you, I am trained in at least fifty ways to drive a pony batty.

I think you have another error after it.

and if you are a friendly pony, then get ready to play ball!!”

I do think you may have meant to have a "not" in there- and if you are not a friendly pony, then get ready to play ball!!”
I don't think she would try to hit a friendly pony, or a person as they are now, seeing she put the bat down for one she thinks is friendly.
Though it would have been funny even if a bit out of place if that is what you meant for her to say.

And another possible error with what Applejack said in regards to something Caramel made.

“Lands sake, this is pretty good!” she exclaimed and looked to with a bug smile.

I think you meant- big smile. I am no editor but such errors bug even me.
I wonder what Applejack would look like with a bug smile.

Interesting-

“What, you are ok with the mass murdering, killing, and the destruction of the helpless creatures of the multiverse, but you draw the the line at raping?” at the being’s glowing red eyes, Dark Conquest backed off with his hands up. “Ok, ok, no more raping.

I have come across these moral dilemmas talked about in real life. In some groups they feel things like rape is OK, though detest the idea of killing. They think of it as a waste of a life. While others have no trouble with killing, so long as it serves their purpose, though think things like torture and rape to be cruel and uncalled for. It's like choose your poison. I am more of the last type. Kill if it is necessary, hurt only to prove a point, but down right cruelty is not of my tastes. I don't mind reading of such things as rape in a story, or see it in a movie. But to see rape and such done in real life, I'd kill the bum for doing such to another.

Another error I may have spotted-

This is going to be greatest show you will ever see!

to- This is going to be the greatest show you will ever see!

And one more error I think-

You and your goons hide behind the shades of heroes and claim you are doing it all or the greater good.

to- doing it all for the greater good.

I see a worrier in this guy Conquest. “Can you dig it?” and he has come out to play.
I liked that movie as well.
Oh, “Can you dig it?” is something I said to a bunch of people I told to whom I was going to be working with. You should have seen their reaction!

Yet another error-

we are gonna rock that town to it core!

to- we are gonna rock that town to its core!

Now was this an error? Or did you slip that Grand Ruler is Conquest?

“That was a fallacy and you know it!” Celestia shouted. “My mages and scientists found a way, if you had let me do my job you would’ve found out the same.” With a growl, she slammed her hand against the wall, “And now I discover that you are trying to go over my head with this militaristic expansion!”

“That is how we are going to get stronger!” argued Conquest, backing away in terror.

Last I thought Celestia was with Grand Ruler, not Conquest.

I see Celestia has a secret lover. Isn't that sweet?

This took longer than I planed, seeing that I took the time to point out things I saw I thought was wrong. I very rarely do that with a story I read. I usually just overlook them and leave such things for real editors on this site to point out to others. My spelling errors within my own stories, no joke, are near 180x worst than what I saw in this.
With mine I find two or eight errors per paragraph. Throughout the entire story. Not a pretty sight.

Over all, I am liking this one, even if it is about human ponies. But seeing that I happen to like most stories I come across, that is not saying much. I think I will keep track on any further progress you make with this story. I find it amusing.

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Whoops!! Yeah, that was supposed to be Grand Ruler and not Conquest. Conquest and GR are indeed seperate

6105668
Some how I thought that was the case. It would be hard for Dark Conquest to entertain a crowed in one place while arguing with Celestia in another. That is unless it was done by some other powers he has we as readers are not privy to yet.

"I doubt I need an introduction, but just in case...I am Dark Conquest...and yes, all the horrible stories you've heard...are true"
(That was a DragonBall Z reference. I think it's appropriate)

Oh my gosh I like grand ruler. I mean despise the things he did *BAMBI''s MOM WILL BE AVENGED!*but he is just so fun he really enjoys I mean chances him being redeem is almost zero but I know that which means we have to enjoy it while he breaths