Oh, goodie! Can't wait to read it!-

Oh wait.

lol....

There are some things I like/don't like in this fic

Pros: The mane 5 (and spike) are starting to realize how bad the world they live in is
Rainbow Dash try's to bring friendship back into the group
The face it's a bash fic on Starfleet

Cons: black and red OC (no sht)
And the whole gore/dark theme ( I can already tell this is going to a "OW THE EDGE" group but what ever)

And that's pretty much it.
But to sum it up: quickmeme.com/img/7f/7fa6b0be9d5614e6e8aa57089f47c718ec462a462188bb1b058a1456cfd02d12.jpg

Just try not to go screw it up OK?

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Thanks, I hope to do my best on the rest o this. Stay tuned, I can promise the mane six are going to be at some of the best here.

5654203 Eeeyy, positive feedback and good criticism is always the biggest, most appreciated help.

Well, it's time to say that you should move on from this straight away, LegendBringer. I'm going to tell you that you can't bring a legend to pile of shit created by an even worse author. The legend was made and it's the worst kind.

The black and red oc shit isn't going to make this any better.

Try some one shots instead of this crap because the only good thing about your story is the cover art. Let Mykan's universe die. It's not going to come back.

A crossover using the world and characters of Mykan's my brave unicorn: Starfleet is magic.

You're doomed author.

Try and crossover with something people actually liked.

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By Celestia's good nam, I am going to try. Besides...who said I was going to be nice to Starfleet?

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I know I am doomed...but,I wanted to at least try.

I like this.

So, okay, this kind of thing frustrates me every time I see it and I'm going to take it out on you, but no hard feelings, I feel this way every time I see this trope.

During the rape scene, you are describing Starla as feeling nothing but pain, fear, humiliation... and then suddenly she comes. After your evil villain has been biting her breasts hard enough to make her scream and beg, and then he shoves his fingers in her and... she just comes? Like that? No, sorry. This is a major league fail.

It is quite possible for a person (and presumably a pony) to come from being raped. It's psychologically destructive and horrible for the victim when it happens, and makes them more likely to blame themselves. However, no one comes from nothing but painful sensations. No one. Even masochists, because they are wired to find pain pleasureable. So if you were writing a masochist experiencing pain, you'd describe both the pain and the building sexual excitement.

There is no evidence that Starla is experiencing any sort of pleasure or sexual excitement from what Dark Conquest is doing to her. It all seems to be entirely painful. And having three fingers shoved up your hoo-ha when you are not sexually excited can be extremely painful. It is not, by itself, a sensation that would ever make a woman come unless she was desperately excited and ready to pop at any moment. Women don't come from penetration (again, unless they're very, very aroused and ready to come at almost anything); they come from nerve clusters inside them being repeatedly stimulated by the object that's penetrating them. Even if those nerve clusters are being set off by nothing more than being stretched from penetration, it's still going to require multiple incidences. There's a reason sex consists of in-out, in-out and not "he sticks his dick in and then they just sit there and don't move until they come."

So even if Starla was turned on despite herself, it is extremely unlikely that just having fingers shoved into her would make her come, unless she was very, very turned on. And the way you describe her behavior and how she feels, it does not seem that she's turned on at all. She's angry and scared and humiliated and in pain, but there is no description of any kind of pleasure whatsoever until all of a sudden she comes. That is not how it works.

Imagine a genderswap for a moment. Imagine a male pony pinned under a powerful female alicorn, who bites him all over his nipples and threatens to bite them off as he screams, then bites his penis, then grabs his penis, holds it painfully tight and yanks it once. Is he gonna come? Are you going to believe for a moment that a guy would come from that unless the description had made it seem like he was getting aroused from the pain despite himself? No, it sounds pretty fucking awful, doesn't it? Well, that's the male equivalent of what you just had your villain do to Starla.

You can either remove the bit about her coming, or go back in and describe increasing sensations of involuntary pleasure from the abuse (I would not do that -- unless you're a very good writer, like Jacqueline Carey in her Kushiel series, it is hard to make a masochist who gets off on being abused before being raped nearly as sympathetic a victim as someone who does not enjoy pain, because we have cultural prejudices against masochists), or go back in and change it so that instead of biting and torturing her he's inflicting sensual, pleasurable sensations. Those are basically the only three ways to fix that particular problem.

There are other problems with this rape scene (I couldn't tell for some time if I was even supposed to take Dark Conquest seriously -- a red and black alicorn is practically code at this point for Bad OC), but this is the one I found really, really glaring. It would be easiest if you just took out the sentence or two that refers to her having an orgasm, because that's the only part that's inconsistent and it's easier to remove it than add a whole lot of other stuff.

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Thank you for the advice (No seriously, you weren't mean at all). I have never written a rape scene before, so this advice will be helpful. Thank you

Alright, it's a little late over here, but I will read this tomorrow. Be warned:I won't be lenient.

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No, go ahead. Heck, maybe you could even PM me some ideas.

Okay(Cracks knuckles) Here we go!

I've never had anyone request me to comment on their story before, especially since they've only faved my comedy fic, which I'll admit isn't my best work. Since I like to think I'm a nice guy, I'm going accept that request.

Before I begin the story proper, I'd like to say: Don't worry about the like-dislike ratio. Most people probably just read your description and screamed while downvoting it.

After many battles, the ponies of Starfleet have finally won a lasting peace. However, that peace is quickly shattered by the arrival of a monster from the darkest pits of the multverse. His goal, conquest of all who stand against him.
The mane six must stand as one, through loss and hardship, against this new threat. They must rise, while dealing with their own emotions and pain, or else they will fall.
The darkness will cover the five lights.
A crossover using the world and characters of Mykan's my brave unicorn: Starfleet is magic. No need to worry about having to know the universe.

This would look better as this

After many battles, the ponies of Starfleet have finally won lasting peace. However, that peace is quickly shattered by the arrival of a monster from the darkest pits of the multverse.
His goal: Conquest of all who stand against him.
The Mane six must stand as one against this threat or else they will fall.
The darkness will cover the five lights.
A crossover using the world and characters of Mykan's My Brave Unicorn: Starfleet is Magic. You don't have to read that fic in order to understand this one..

Oh, Mykan! You be treading dangerous territory, my friend.

Mykan, King of the Crazies.

Okay thoughts...

Well, there are some nasty grammar issues here and there.

I felt it was a little rushed. I know it's a fic bashing Mykan, but I still need to know why I should hate this world! There could be other people who are easily confused as to why everything is like it is. There also needs to be more build up on the characters as a whole. Also, Dark Conquest's appearance was too random, he should've had more build up. I felt like he was a plumber in a porno(Which I think this was, I'll get back to that.)

Then there's the rape scene...

Rape is like Nitro-9. Handle carefully or...

th09.deviantart.net/fs22/PRE/i/2009/243/8/2/Explosion__Stock__by_EnforcedCrowd.jpg

Unfortunately, I felt like it was... , well, I didn't like it. But, I'm really not into rape as a plot device. It's the reason why I'm not as big a fan of Alan Moore as everyone else. Basically, it felt like I was in a different fic, where the porn star is working in her home then a guy busts in and has sex with her. The scene didn't gel well with the rest of the story.

Then I get the realization:This is a lemon.

Why? I mean, this story idea doesn't need to have sex in it! It's like a hentai, it could have an excellent story, but it had to have a lot of sex scenes in it.

Basically, this needs a lot of work. You could PM me if you want so I could answer your questions and help you out.

But I must ask you this: Why me?

What about my story, "Royalty", made you think I'd be perfect to look at this? I'm not complaining, but that story... really doesn't mesh with this one. If you faved Unraveling the Tapestry, then yeah, I would understand, but "Royalty"? But I must thank you for allowing me to try and help you.

But this is still a dangerous road. Mykan, Anthro, and Clop? Yeah, this won't end well for you.

Wow, this was an intense first chapter. You weren't kidding about the erotic parts, but other than that I could learn from this. Good job

Just checked the rewrite out and this is certainly an improvement. The characters fit more with what you did with them later (Buddy RIP); although Rhymey is now such an obvious jackass to everybody that it's a wonder he doesn't get punted from the team/punched in the face/have somebody tell him 'wow, you're an asshole'.

That said, he's got a point about Starla.

Also, I liked the way that you showed the adverse effects of space pony rule with Raindrops, Ditzy and Lyra

Dark conquest is interesting tho a jerk but I feel I will like his way of talking other than that good start😊

After glimpsing at sentences throughout the chapters and spoiling it for my self on TV tropes, I am going to properly read this fanfic. So far, the Mane 5 (I originally wrote Mane 6 until I remembered Twilight is dead at the moment) not being happy with their current situation sounds better than them rolling with it. Plus, the others seeing Pinkie Pie as obnoxious rather than funny while in the presence of the Grand Ruler, and Applejack taking note of it afterward, is spooky. As for Dark Conquest... he's a sick monster. So there's that.

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Hey there new reader! Hope you enjoy the rest and I am excited to watch you go through this little tale of mine. And I can promise, I think this story gets stronger around ch 8.