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Legendbringer


A writer who has no idea what he's doing

Comments ( 423 )

Oh, goodie! Can't wait to read it!-

Oh wait.

lol.... :twilightsmile:

There are some things I like/don't like in this fic

Pros: The mane 5 (and spike) are starting to realize how bad the world they live in is
Rainbow Dash try's to bring friendship back into the group
The face it's a bash fic on Starfleet

Cons: black and red OC (no sh:yay:t)
And the whole gore/dark theme ( I can already tell this is going to a "OW THE EDGE" group but what ever)

And that's pretty much it.
But to sum it up: quickmeme.com/img/7f/7fa6b0be9d5614e6e8aa57089f47c718ec462a462188bb1b058a1456cfd02d12.jpg

Just try not to go screw it up OK? :twilightsmile:

5653959

:pinkiehappy:


5654203

Thanks, I hope to do my best on the rest o this. Stay tuned, I can promise the mane six are going to be at some of the best here.

5654203 Eeeyy, positive feedback and good criticism is always the biggest, most appreciated help. :moustache:

Well, it's time to say that you should move on from this straight away, LegendBringer. I'm going to tell you that you can't bring a legend to pile of shit created by an even worse author. The legend was made and it's the worst kind.

The black and red oc shit isn't going to make this any better.

Try some one shots instead of this crap because the only good thing about your story is the cover art. Let Mykan's universe die. It's not going to come back.

A crossover using the world and characters of Mykan's my brave unicorn: Starfleet is magic.

You're doomed author.

Try and crossover with something people actually liked.

5655221

By Celestia's good nam, I am going to try. Besides...who said I was going to be nice to Starfleet?


5655912

I know I am doomed...but,I wanted to at least try.

So, okay, this kind of thing frustrates me every time I see it and I'm going to take it out on you, but no hard feelings, I feel this way every time I see this trope.

During the rape scene, you are describing Starla as feeling nothing but pain, fear, humiliation... and then suddenly she comes. After your evil villain has been biting her breasts hard enough to make her scream and beg, and then he shoves his fingers in her and... she just comes? Like that? No, sorry. This is a major league fail.

It is quite possible for a person (and presumably a pony) to come from being raped. It's psychologically destructive and horrible for the victim when it happens, and makes them more likely to blame themselves. However, no one comes from nothing but painful sensations. No one. Even masochists, because they are wired to find pain pleasureable. So if you were writing a masochist experiencing pain, you'd describe both the pain and the building sexual excitement.

There is no evidence that Starla is experiencing any sort of pleasure or sexual excitement from what Dark Conquest is doing to her. It all seems to be entirely painful. And having three fingers shoved up your hoo-ha when you are not sexually excited can be extremely painful. It is not, by itself, a sensation that would ever make a woman come unless she was desperately excited and ready to pop at any moment. Women don't come from penetration (again, unless they're very, very aroused and ready to come at almost anything); they come from nerve clusters inside them being repeatedly stimulated by the object that's penetrating them. Even if those nerve clusters are being set off by nothing more than being stretched from penetration, it's still going to require multiple incidences. There's a reason sex consists of in-out, in-out and not "he sticks his dick in and then they just sit there and don't move until they come."

So even if Starla was turned on despite herself, it is extremely unlikely that just having fingers shoved into her would make her come, unless she was very, very turned on. And the way you describe her behavior and how she feels, it does not seem that she's turned on at all. She's angry and scared and humiliated and in pain, but there is no description of any kind of pleasure whatsoever until all of a sudden she comes. That is not how it works.

Imagine a genderswap for a moment. Imagine a male pony pinned under a powerful female alicorn, who bites him all over his nipples and threatens to bite them off as he screams, then bites his penis, then grabs his penis, holds it painfully tight and yanks it once. Is he gonna come? Are you going to believe for a moment that a guy would come from that unless the description had made it seem like he was getting aroused from the pain despite himself? No, it sounds pretty fucking awful, doesn't it? Well, that's the male equivalent of what you just had your villain do to Starla.

You can either remove the bit about her coming, or go back in and describe increasing sensations of involuntary pleasure from the abuse (I would not do that -- unless you're a very good writer, like Jacqueline Carey in her Kushiel series, it is hard to make a masochist who gets off on being abused before being raped nearly as sympathetic a victim as someone who does not enjoy pain, because we have cultural prejudices against masochists), or go back in and change it so that instead of biting and torturing her he's inflicting sensual, pleasurable sensations. Those are basically the only three ways to fix that particular problem.

There are other problems with this rape scene (I couldn't tell for some time if I was even supposed to take Dark Conquest seriously -- a red and black alicorn is practically code at this point for Bad OC), but this is the one I found really, really glaring. It would be easiest if you just took out the sentence or two that refers to her having an orgasm, because that's the only part that's inconsistent and it's easier to remove it than add a whole lot of other stuff.

5657739

Thank you for the advice (No seriously, you weren't mean at all). I have never written a rape scene before, so this advice will be helpful. Thank you

Alright, it's a little late over here, but I will read this tomorrow. Be warned:I won't be lenient.

5688259

No, go ahead. Heck, maybe you could even PM me some ideas.

Okay(Cracks knuckles) Here we go!

I've never had anyone request me to comment on their story before, especially since they've only faved my comedy fic, which I'll admit isn't my best work. Since I like to think I'm a nice guy, I'm going accept that request.

Before I begin the story proper, I'd like to say: Don't worry about the like-dislike ratio. Most people probably just read your description and screamed while downvoting it.

After many battles, the ponies of Starfleet have finally won a lasting peace. However, that peace is quickly shattered by the arrival of a monster from the darkest pits of the multverse. His goal, conquest of all who stand against him.
The mane six must stand as one, through loss and hardship, against this new threat. They must rise, while dealing with their own emotions and pain, or else they will fall.
The darkness will cover the five lights.
A crossover using the world and characters of Mykan's my brave unicorn: Starfleet is magic. No need to worry about having to know the universe.

This would look better as this

After many battles, the ponies of Starfleet have finally won lasting peace. However, that peace is quickly shattered by the arrival of a monster from the darkest pits of the multverse.
His goal: Conquest of all who stand against him.
The Mane six must stand as one against this threat or else they will fall.
The darkness will cover the five lights.
A crossover using the world and characters of Mykan's My Brave Unicorn: Starfleet is Magic. You don't have to read that fic in order to understand this one..

Oh, Mykan! You be treading dangerous territory, my friend.


Mykan, King of the Crazies.

Okay thoughts...

Well, there are some nasty grammar issues here and there.

I felt it was a little rushed. I know it's a fic bashing Mykan, but I still need to know why I should hate this world! There could be other people who are easily confused as to why everything is like it is. There also needs to be more build up on the characters as a whole. Also, Dark Conquest's appearance was too random, he should've had more build up. I felt like he was a plumber in a porno(Which I think this was, I'll get back to that.)

Then there's the rape scene...


Rape is like Nitro-9. Handle carefully or...

th09.deviantart.net/fs22/PRE/i/2009/243/8/2/Explosion__Stock__by_EnforcedCrowd.jpg

Unfortunately, I felt like it was... , well, I didn't like it. But, I'm really not into rape as a plot device. It's the reason why I'm not as big a fan of Alan Moore as everyone else. Basically, it felt like I was in a different fic, where the porn star is working in her home then a guy busts in and has sex with her. The scene didn't gel well with the rest of the story.

Then I get the realization:This is a lemon.

Why? I mean, this story idea doesn't need to have sex in it! It's like a hentai, it could have an excellent story, but it had to have a lot of sex scenes in it.

Basically, this needs a lot of work. You could PM me if you want so I could answer your questions and help you out.

But I must ask you this: Why me?

What about my story, "Royalty", made you think I'd be perfect to look at this? I'm not complaining, but that story... really doesn't mesh with this one. If you faved Unraveling the Tapestry, then yeah, I would understand, but "Royalty"? But I must thank you for allowing me to try and help you.



But this is still a dangerous road. Mykan, Anthro, and Clop? Yeah, this won't end well for you.

You warned me that the second chapter is long. ??? It is only over 11,000 words. Even with going through both chapters I will eat through them both in one sitting easy. I thought it might be around 50,000 words or something. The fifth chapter to the last story I put out is over 32,000 words. Now that is a lengthy read. Though chapters on some stories are considerably longer.

I also see the anthro tag on this. Never did like that tag. It is misleading in its meaning. All the ponies in the cartoon and stories are anthro. The tag should be human pony, or something like that. Aside from that, I also am not a fan of human form ponies, or stories about them. I like them as ponies. Though I said I will give this a read, and so I will. I do give one warning of my own. I am not a critic. So anything I may have to say about this would rather be on the bland side if you where looking for one who might be able to find flaws in the story you might wish to fix. The most I might tell you is if I like it or not, and possibly why.

5692008

Then there's the rape scene...

Rape is like Nitro-9. Handle carefully or...

I had that prob with a past story of mine, One suggested removing it. I saw no reason why not. So I did. Had made it much more gory and dark without it after a near full remake of the story, and mostly that part of the story. Still the story was no big hit even after that. However I personally prefer the remake I made over the original with the rape scene in it.

I am done with what you got so far. And I got a list of comments. So here we go!

Been part way through chapter 1. I am so far liking Dark Conquest.

The unicorn’s eyes opened wide in horror as she looked into the dragon-like eyes of Conquest. “N-no, you can’t- I mean...! No, please, not that! Oh god, please no!”

OK, found that part funny. I see why he likes his other given name, and how he possibly came by it. :raritywink:

The rape scene was mild for what I have seen in other stories. Rape is rape, but this was not terribly graphic. Not that I did better in the one I removed from a past story of mine. I do think the one I made was a bit more gory and savage. The one you put in kind of just made a point, without overdoing it. So nice touch.

One spelling error that caught my eye in chapter 2-

It was a ritual he had started ever since Twilight had died, and in his own way, it was ow he kept her in his heart.

-it was how he kept her in his heart.

Not to say I have not got a kick out of other parts of the story this one got me more than most.

Dash playfully turned to Fluttershy and silently made a whipping noise, to which Applejack objected, “Hey, nothing wrong with a guy liking to work around the house for a bit.”

I caught sight of another error, I think.

That’s why I wanted to be with them, not because they were warriors, but because they were the best fliers out there. I wanted to beat them, but now, its like the only type of fun is what he wants!

Correct me if I am wrong but I do think you meant- I wanted to be them. -or- I wanted to be one of them.
Sure Rainbow Dash is competitive and wishes to be the best, and sees herself as great, but I am not sure if you meant for her to say she wishes to beet them, rather than join them. Then again, maybe you did.

A cloaked figured watched as the group left the corner, a small smile on her face. Tearfully, she ran her gloved hand along the door, while her hand glowed a violet magical aura that closed the door.

Dun Dun Daaaa! I think we have Twilight in the story now.

I think I found another error.

Rarity, who was laying on a blanket while Spike was sleeping on her lap, looked to Rainbow Dash, “Indeed, there were rumors that you had you had even given up the speedster life.”

Looks like you got a double- "you had"- and you might be able to do with out the- "even" in there to get- there were rumors that you had given up the speedster life.”

OK, I had a pretty good laugh at that-

the pink girl reached into her mess of hair and pulled out a large bat. “I should warn you, I am trained in at least fifty ways to drive a pony batty.

:rainbowlaugh:
I think you have another error after it.

and if you are a friendly pony, then get ready to play ball!!”

I do think you may have meant to have a "not" in there- and if you are not a friendly pony, then get ready to play ball!!”
I don't think she would try to hit a friendly pony, or a person as they are now, seeing she put the bat down for one she thinks is friendly.
Though it would have been funny even if a bit out of place if that is what you meant for her to say. :rainbowlaugh:

And another possible error with what Applejack said in regards to something Caramel made.

“Lands sake, this is pretty good!” she exclaimed and looked to with a bug smile.

I think you meant- big smile. I am no editor but such errors bug even me. :rainbowwild:
I wonder what Applejack would look like with a bug smile. :derpytongue2:

Interesting-

“What, you are ok with the mass murdering, killing, and the destruction of the helpless creatures of the multiverse, but you draw the the line at raping?” at the being’s glowing red eyes, Dark Conquest backed off with his hands up. “Ok, ok, no more raping.

I have come across these moral dilemmas talked about in real life. In some groups they feel things like rape is OK, though detest the idea of killing. They think of it as a waste of a life. While others have no trouble with killing, so long as it serves their purpose, though think things like torture and rape to be cruel and uncalled for. It's like choose your poison. I am more of the last type. Kill if it is necessary, hurt only to prove a point, but down right cruelty is not of my tastes. I don't mind reading of such things as rape in a story, or see it in a movie. But to see rape and such done in real life, I'd kill the bum for doing such to another.

Another error I may have spotted-

This is going to be greatest show you will ever see!

to- This is going to be the greatest show you will ever see!

And one more error I think-

You and your goons hide behind the shades of heroes and claim you are doing it all or the greater good.

to- doing it all for the greater good.

I see a worrier in this guy Conquest. “Can you dig it?” and he has come out to play. :rainbowlaugh::rainbowkiss:
I liked that movie as well.
Oh, “Can you dig it?” is something I said to a bunch of people I told to whom I was going to be working with. You should have seen their reaction!

Yet another error-

we are gonna rock that town to it core!

to- we are gonna rock that town to its core!

Now was this an error? Or did you slip that Grand Ruler is Conquest?

“That was a fallacy and you know it!” Celestia shouted. “My mages and scientists found a way, if you had let me do my job you would’ve found out the same.” With a growl, she slammed her hand against the wall, “And now I discover that you are trying to go over my head with this militaristic expansion!”

“That is how we are going to get stronger!” argued Conquest, backing away in terror.

Last I thought Celestia was with Grand Ruler, not Conquest. :rainbowhuh:

I see Celestia has a secret lover. Isn't that sweet?

This took longer than I planed, seeing that I took the time to point out things I saw I thought was wrong. I very rarely do that with a story I read. I usually just overlook them and leave such things for real editors on this site to point out to others. My spelling errors within my own stories, no joke, are near 180x worst than what I saw in this. :twilightblush:
With mine I find two or eight errors per paragraph. Throughout the entire story. Not a pretty sight. :pinkiesick:

Over all, I am liking this one, even if it is about human ponies. But seeing that I happen to like most stories I come across, that is not saying much. I think I will keep track on any further progress you make with this story. I find it amusing.

6105074

Whoops!! Yeah, that was supposed to be Grand Ruler and not Conquest. Conquest and GR are indeed seperate

6105668
Some how I thought that was the case. It would be hard for Dark Conquest to entertain a crowed in one place while arguing with Celestia in another. That is unless it was done by some other powers he has we as readers are not privy to yet. :twilightsmile:

So basicly Twilight got splitted into two people.

This is the best chapter yet, though I'm a bit nervous about Rarity getting pregnant in the middle of a war. It's a pity that the dark generals couldn't take out one or two of Lightning's crew while they were at it.

I look forward to see it what happens next.

6451053

Don't worry, the Starfleet team will fall soon. They just need this first loss.

Thanks for the compliment and comment. I am very proud of this chapter

What Titan scene?

Great chapter, but I feel as though the punctuation got away from you a bit at the end, where you in a rush?

Now for Rainbow Dash to beat up Rhymey.

6691743

The end bit with Titan making his final plans. and I will admit I was in a little bit of a rush...and I was distrated with writing three other things at the time

Comment posted by DakariKingMykan deleted Jan 19th, 2016
Eldorado
Moderator

6847211 This isn't against the rules. You're not in a position to make anyone regret anything.

Heck, even the movie meant to deconstruct a win in a no win scenario (Wrath of Kahn) has Kirk finding a thirdf option.

Really? I've never thought it that way before.

Good chapter, and nice fakeout; I thought Cadance had sacrificed herself to 'save' Fratello.

Ironically, Cadance actually got pregnant in the latest Starfleet fic...and then miscarried. I'm hoping you won't be so cruel.

At this point Dark Conquest is going to win the war because all his enemies have joined his army.

6904497

Really? I've never thought it that way before.

It's one of the many reasons I love that movie so much. Its just a really good deconstruction of so many 50's era sci-fi tropes and the third option is one of them. Even if the third movie found a way to outdo it by Kirk using the Gensis planet. Yes, even when he loses...Kirk still wins!

Ironically, Cadance actually got pregnant in the latest Starfleet fic...and then miscarried. I'm hoping you won't be so cruel.

I could never be that cruel to Cadence, besides... I like the soon to be born Flurry Heart too much.

You forgot this line here that is in the version on Fan Fiction.
["Too late," Trixie smirked. "Trixie quits, and furthermore...you have been talking to a shadow clone since Trixie had seen the fire."]

I'd like to point out that, while Belle Ami does indeed mean what you say it means, it is grammatically incorrect. "Belle" is a feminine adjective while "Ami" is a masculine noun, so putting those two together just doesn't work. "Bel Ami" and "Belle Amie" would be the grammatically correct versions, and since Belle is obviously female, I'd go with the latter. Just throwing my inner grammar Nazi's two cents out there.

Not that I mind stories that try and "fix" bad ones, (I like them, really I do) but why not start with the very first My Brave Pony story?

Just read the most recent chapter and I'm in process of rereading the previous chapters. I'd forgotten how much I despise Mykan and everything he stands for.

One thing I have to ask is the fate of Celestia's children. I can't help but think about how all of this might affect them, especially when the Grand Ruler is gone. Not to be melodramatic, but there's got to be at least one person being in the land who'll want to A: Smother them, B: Drown them, C: Smash their heads in, or D: Any combination of the first three. That's what happened to Caligula's year-old daughter. And if they're spared, who's to say they won't grow up resenting their mother?

Maybe I'm just thinking too much into this. Keep it up, LegendBringer.

7025167

Don't worry, I have 'special' fates in store for the children. It won't involve death, but it will be something that no one will see coming...that is, unless they read the subtle hints in the previous chapters. And they won't be resenting their mother.


7024567

Because this becomes a lot more fun for me.

Well done on making us feel a little for the poor sod. I can't say I was weeping over him, but I understood why his brother was upset, mostly. And it was nice to see him let his anger out a bit.

But I have to ask: where does the idea that Trixie is a super powerful mage come from? Is that a Lunaverse thing?

7025904

Well done on making us feel a little for the poor sod

Thank you, I was hoping for that reaction

where does the idea that Trixie is a super powerful mage come from? Is that a Lunaverse thing?

Yes, its sort of a Lunaverse thing mixed with how I like writing Trixie. In the Lunaverse, Trixie frequently admits to being strong in one field, Illusions. Everything else she struggles with. I basically play Trixie off in that she is kind of like Mandrake or some other pulp hero maician, she is the best at crafting illusions and trickery, but in a duel of fireballs and lighting...she's a utter whimp. Basically, she couldn't hope to match Twilight or Sunset,but she can be tricky. Also, I love writing magicans who can use tricks and traps to fight.

7025167

They might not be about to die horribly but it has occurred to me that there must be something up with those kids, becasuse Celestia keeps forgetting that she's got two of them.

I'm not sure what it means but I'm confident that it means something.

For a moment I was worried you really were going to stop the story. Well done.

I've been rereading this story again, and this time I caught the hints regarding Celestia's children. Just a few queries:

1. By the end, will the Equestrians return to having hooves?
2. If they do, will any Unicornicopians who join them end up having hooves instead of hands?
3. With all the 'main' Starfleet characters having appeared in some form, I'm surprised we haven't had even a mention of Krysta (Lightning Dawn's fairy friend). Will that change in the future? Not that I'm a fan of any of Mykan's characters, mind you. I'm just curious if she might end up as a bystander, participant, prisoner or casualty.

Looking forward to the next chapter.

Wow. Another great chapter. Even I don't know which side to root for now. Actually, you know what? I won't root for sides, just people. All except Conquest and Myk-, er, Grand Ruler.

Comment posted by DakariKingMykan deleted Apr 17th, 2016

7132028 It's a little thing called 'wit', something (but not the only thing) you sorely lack.

Comment posted by DakariKingMykan deleted Apr 17th, 2016

7132061 Name one person who doesn't have a problem with you.

As for the chat, I think I'll just ignore you for another 3 weeks.

Goodbye.

Comment posted by DakariKingMykan deleted Apr 17th, 2016
Comment posted by Legendbringer deleted Apr 17th, 2016

7132177 I've read enough transcript of your chats to know exactly how it will end. Anyway, after this fic is finished, unless you do some new reprehensible act, I'll be finished with you. And sooner or later, everyone will be through with you. Seriously, you're what, thirty years old now? I have more respect for toddlers calling out politicians.

To be honest, you may call yourself Mykan, but I know exactly what you are - nothing. You don't care about anyone but yourself, and because of that, and because you turn away anyone who tries to help you, nobody cares about you or your pathetic excuses for literature. What does that leave you? Nothing.

Finally, do you know why this story succeeds where yours fails? You may have created the characters Legendbringer is using, but Legendbringer made me *care* about them.

7132212 I guess I should stop this as well, Legendbringer. I'm sorry. Let's forget about... whatzizname and move on.

7132232

Right, lets. And don't worry, it's no big deal. He had no business coming to my fic and starting something.

By the way.


7132218

You may have created the characters Legendbringer is using, but Legendbringer made me *care* about them.

These are the comments i live for. I keep striving to make sure that you guys feel something for at least one of the characters.

Awesome chapter. I loved the reference to The Flash, and the Eva, Naruto and Sailor Moon bits. I kind of wish Fluttershy had left with Rainbow Dash (Fluttershy, it's all very well to say you want him to see you for who you are, but what do you see in him?) but I'm sure that will come in time.

I'm not entirely sure I want to see all the Unicornicopians turn nice and good, I'd like to see a couple of them get thier comeuppance...which makes me the kind of person who allows Dark Conquest to triumph, I guess. But you're making it work, and I look forward to seeing what happens next.

7132910

. I loved the reference to The Flash,

Thanks, it's kind of one of my favorite superher shows and Flash is one of my fave DC heroes.

the Eva, Naruto and Sailor Moon bits

The thing is, Naruto and Sailor moon have had hate fics I have actually read. Sailor Moon has had two that reallly ticked me off, Blood Moon and Kamen Rider.

But you're making it work, and I look forward to seeing what happens next.

Than you so much

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