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Prolouge-How I Died683 words
Chapter 1-My New Life364 words

Chapter 1-My New Life

As the alicorn sends image after image through my head of foals, I stop her on one. A pair of twin boys. Pale yellow fur is contrasted by their red and white, shaggy manes. "That one," I say, thinking about the larger of the two. "Before I go, what's your name?" I add as an after thought. She is cute after all.

"Staras," she answers, smiling. I can't tell, but I think she's blushing. As her horn lights up, her white magic surrounds me. I feel a tingle throughout my body and instinctively close my eyes. When I open them, two ponies are staring down at me. One, a light yellow mare with a red mane, and the other a slightly darker yellow stallion with a white mane. My new parents.

7 years later

I laugh as I run after Flim. "Get back here!" I shout, my skinny legs moving as fast as I could make them.

"Never!" my 'brother' shouts back.

another 5 years

"And stay out!" the old mare shouts, shaking a hoof at me.

I cringe. I hadn't meant to break the vase, she wanted me to clean it! My hooves got too slippery and it fell!

present time

As I sleep, I thrash. Staras enters my dreams, a sad look on her face. "Last, you musn't get too attached to your current body. In five years, you will have to leave it, and the pony you are inside will die. You will then have to find a new body," comes the harrowing news.

"But-but I haven't found her yet!" I shout, surprised and afraid.

"I know. Just give it time. In your last five years, I suggest traveling the living world with a cover story to search for her," Staras orders.

I nod, sadly giving in.

5 years passed

"Flim," I groan. "I'm sorry. I-I can't stay,"

"No, no you can't die!" Flim shouts, tears pouring down his face.

"Goodbye," I whisper, my head falling to the side.

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Blu_Ray

Blu_Ray #1 · Jan 11th, 2015 · 1 · ·

That picture is great!

Vanilla Mocha

Vanilla Mocha #2 · Jan 11th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Flim and Flam... that's pure genius right there.

Vanilla Treat

Vanilla Treat #3 · Jan 11th, 2015 · · ·

GOOOOOOOOOD WORK MAN! Yay

Pankrazius

Pankrazius #4 · Jan 11th, 2015 · 1 · 1 ·

Ok...

This concept is interesting.

But... really - this is more an outline for a story, than an actual story.
It is rushed to a point, where you just can't follow the events.

You have the fortune, that most of your readers know Flim and Flam. But, just imagine you write to an audience, not as fit in MLP. At least a bit of description would be fine.

Speaking of description - in your intro there was a bit more. But how should I attach to a character, who is barely describet as youngest, unloved child, wich gets killed in a gruesome way, just to be forced by unknown universal mechanics to take his revenge.
Don't get me wrong. To write a highly different approach to the MLP-background is no mistake. But it takes more work (in meaning of description and build-up) to get your readers attached to the story.

Espeacially as you describe situations wich are, say, unlikely. MLP is a show about, you know love, friendship, forgivness, redemption and so on. So without a proper explanation this whole setup, beginning with a murderous sister and the strange universal law of revenge is so far off, that my willing suspense of disbelief gets pushed on (over) my limit.

This lack of explanation induces a feeling of randomness. I couldn't connect or sympathize with the characters, so the few gruesome details just seeming to be gore for gore's sake.

At the moment this story is in no way bound to MLP. You can pull this plot in any arbitary universe as well. And just using ponybreeds and names dont connect a plot to an universe.

I don't know in wich direction this will go. But at the moment I have the feel, this story needs a hell lot of work.
But like said above - the concept itself is interesting. So please don't let discourage you - but maybe think about the one or another point.

Plum Rose

Plum Rose #5 · Jan 11th, 2015 · 2 · ·

5492041 I know it seems really forced, but the prolouge and first chapter were just so that everyone knows what's going on. More mlp related stuff will come, I promise.

Pankrazius

Pankrazius #6 · Jan 11th, 2015 · 1 · 1 ·

5492101
It was not meant as offense. And I don't doubt that there is more to come. And like said, the concept is interesting.

All I wanted to say is, that your start just deserves more description - as you are about to pull a really hard project.
Besides, this form of minimalistic description you use, creates the same feeling as really fast cuts in a film. This could work fine for pure action-sequences. But there - after the scene is set. For timelapses you could go a bit slower. Espeacially if you want to establish your character.

To brag a bit: I am about to experiment with pacing VS description in my actual story. Although I don't know how it works out in the end, I have a good feeling with it.

Blu_Ray