A few days early before Sonata life falls apart
It has been a few weeks since the battle of the band, and four days after being abandoned by her sisters, Sonata began looking for a place to stay. She hoped someone who was kind enough to let her stay a their house for at least a day, till she can get something for herself, but this prove to be more of a problem then she had imagen.
Present day: My main OC
It was already past noon when I finished helping around the school for Principal Celestia. I was helping out cause I needed some extra credits from all the time I have been gone, and Principal Celestia said I can help out cleaning the school to earn some make-up credits. I hadn't been to school for a little over half the semester, so I missed out on some big events that happened. From what people have told me the "Fall Formal" and "Battle of the Bands" was a sight to see, but I missed out on both. As I was taking out the trash, I noticed a girl sitting by the dumpster. She had light blue hair with dark purple highlights. She was wearing a purple hoodie and blue jean pants. As I looked more closely, I could see her clothes were a bit tattered and dirty; it looked like she was working at a mechanic shop all day. I said nothing to her at first as I threw away the trash, but when I looked at her again, I could see she had been hurt physically. She had bits of scrapes and cuts on her knees and legs, like she had been running from someone. I'm not the one to ignore a girl that's hurt, so I went over to her to see if she was okay.
"Excuse me, are you alright? You seem...a little beat up," I said as I made my way towards her.
When she lifted her head in saw me coming, she began to panic and slowly back up, like I was going to assault her at any moment.
"Hey, calm down. I'm not going to hurt you."-I put my hands up like I was a criminal under arrest as a slowed my pace-"You seem hurt. Is there anything I can do to help?" I said, now standing in front of her.
She looked at me like I was going to strike her across the face, but she seemed to calm down after a few seconds. I hoped it was clear I was not going to hit her.
I asked again, "Is there anything I can do to help you?"
She looked at me for a second. "N-no I'm okay," she said. Seeing the scrapes and cuts on her body, it was obviously a lie, but I looked past it.
"Okay, then. Are you hurt? You seem ruffled up," I noted as I eyed her up and down.
"I, um, fell, that's all. I am okay, really," she said as she sat back down. I could tell she didn't trust me, but there was nothing I could do if she didn't.
"Okay then, guess I'll see you later," I left her there and went back home, with the girl still lingered on my mind.
***
The next day I came to school wondering if that girl was still there, or if she had gone back to her home. When I returned to the dumpster, I wasn't surprised to find that she was still there, sleeping in a shelter that I recognized as the materials I had thrown out yesterday. It was clear that she has been out here all night, as I could see, she had been digging through all the dumpsters nearby. I was sure she hadn't eaten anything, so I ran to a nearby store and bought two sandwiches and some drinks. As I made my way back to her shelter, I noticed she was already getting up and looking around. She turned my way, and I knew she noticed me approaching. This time luckily, she didn't try to leave.
"Hey, I thought you might be hungry, so I got you some sandwiches, if you want one." I held out my bag as I made my way over to her. "Don't know if you would like them, though," As I handed her the bag, a "thank you" escaped her lips. She began to eat the sandwiches, devouring them as if she hadn't eaten in days. Apparently, she hadn't.
"So, what's your deal?" I asked her as she ate. "Are you running away or something?" She stopped eating for a moment and stared at me, a sad expression in her raspberry eyes.
"I'm homeless," she said, the sadness disappearing from her eyes. She looked dull and emotionless at the moment.
I wanted to ask more, but seeing how bothered she had been by this question, I said nothing else. I stayed with her for a little bit longer before I got up to leave. She looked at me as I was about to go.
"If you want, I will bring you some more sandwiches tomorrow. You'll be here, right?" I asked, looking back at her.
She nodded in agreement to that. I felt bad leaving her there now that I knew for sure she was homeless, but I couldn't just invite every homeless person I met to stay with me.
Although, she might be the only one I've seen so far, I thought as I walked home.
***
I came back the next day, like I promised, with some more sandwiches. As I was approaching the dumpsters, I overheard some girls talking to her. More like yelling at her, and nothing they said was nice.
"Why are you even still here? Nobody likes you," sneered one girl with dark blue hair. She had backed up my new friend against the walls.
"Yeah," added another girl with a light purple jean jacket., "After all you and your sisters did, you have the nerve to show your face around here?"
I just stood there, which as my new friend was being bullied. Come on, move! I told myself. Help her! I seemed to be frozen, unable to do anything.
"What's wrong, hmm?" Taunted the Blue Hair Girl. "Can't fight back now?"
"Don't you have anything to say?" Sneered the girl with the Jean Jacket.
"P-please leave me alone." My friend said in tears.
"Why should we now, huh?" The blue haired girl asked, smacking her with the back of her hand, anger blazing in her eyes.
I knew this was about to take a turn for the worst, and I had to stop it now. Suddenly finding I could move again, I rushed over to my friend’s aid. I shoved both her tormentors backwards, surprising them both.
"Wh-what? Are you defending her, why would you do that?" The Blue Haired Girl question, her eyes blazed with fury. "Do you know what she's done?" She approached me as if she was going to punch me. I wasn't too scared of her, though.
"You don't know, do you?" The Jean Jacket Girl asked me.
The Blue Haired Girl, who was now less than a foot away, stopped walking. "Yeah, he doesn't..." she replied, trailing off.
"Oh well, I'm tired of looking at that ponytail menace anyway." She said, tugging at her friend’s shirt as they began walking away, but the angry glances directed toward my friend suggested they'd be back when I left.
I turned to the girl I had just saved. I could see the girls had hit her, although the damage was minor. Her lip seemed to be bruising black and blue already.
"Hey, do you have any place or family you can go to?" I asked, concerned, as I helped her up. When she shook her head no, I sighed.
It might be better to take her back to my place to clean her up, I thought as I looked around for any surprise attacks.
***
Once we made it through the front door, I sat her down in a chair. I could see now that besides the bruised lip, the girls had also inflicted blows on her arms, which were turning similar shades of blue.
"Does anywhere else hurt?" I asked her, checking her arms over. She nodded while holding a hand to her stomach.
"One of them punched me," she explained, "but there's nothing you can do about that. I'll be better soon."
I nodded with understanding. I went to my fridge to grab some ice like packs that was cased in zip-lock bags, for her many bruises. Once they had been placed around her arms and on her lip, we sat there in silence for a little less than half an hour. She didn't seem to be in the mood for talking.
"Thank you," she said simply when she was done. She handed back the ice packs and stood up, ready to go.
"I hoped you're not trying to go back to the alley," I said blocking her path to the door with my arm. She looked at me and I could see within her sad eyes, that's what she was planning on doing. Putting a hand to the back of my head, I sighed nervously. "How about this, you can stay here for the night, umm...,"-as I said this it never cross my mind that I haven't ask her name. " What was your name, I never did asked?"
She paused for a second as if she was deciding if she should tell me or not.
"My name is.....Sonata, Sonata Dusk," she said, taking a seat back down.
"Well Sonata, my name is Blitz Shot." I said lately introducing myself." And why don't you stay here for the night, then we can talk more in the morning. Does that sound okay to you," I said while pointing to the couch with my thumb.
She had opposed to it at first, but agree after I convinced her that those girls might be waiting for her if she goes back out there. After that I brought her a blanket and pillow for her to use, not a minute later, she was already asleep. I knew at this moment, I might have just gotten myself into something, as I look back at her. What that something was, I didn't actually know.
I can't just leave her now, can I? I thought while looking back at her sleeping form, with pity. "I might as well try to convince her to stay here with me, ...she seem really trouble and, ...really tired," I whisper and yawn to myself, as I walked away. And I'm sure she might have a fever, if not a cold at most, from staying outside, and with that thought, I went to my room for a night rest.
It's awesome to see you're taking a shot at something you hate, . I'm going to point out some errors so you can fix them. PS, don't let people like Samey90 discourage you from this story. It's great you want to share with the world even when you know you aren't the best writer,
It has been a few weeks
and three days after being abandoned by her sister, Sonata began
It was already past noon when I finished helping around the school for Principal Celestia. I hadn't been to school for a little over half the semester, so I missed out on some big "Battle of the Bands" even that happened
You also want to include a reason so we don't think you're a slacker. ;)
As I was taking out the trash I noticed a girl sitting by the dumpster. She had light blue hair with dark purple highlights. She was wearing a purple hoodie and blue jeans.
As I looked more closely, I could see her clothes were a bit tattered and dirty; it looked like she was working at a mechanic shop all day. I said nothing to her at first as I threw away the trash, but when I looked at her again I could see she had been hurt physically.
Mention how she had been hurt physically :) Bruises on her cheeks, cuts, scrapes, etc.
help you?"
"Is
The first letter of a sentence is always capitalized, and the punctuation is inside the quotations. :)
"Okay, then. Are you hurt? You seem ruffled up," I said/commented/noted (pick one ) as eyed her up and down.
"I, um, fell, that's all. I am okay, really," she said as she sat back down. I could tell she didn't trust me but there was nothing I could do if she didn't.
The next day I came to school wondering if that girl was still there, or if she had gone back to her home. When I returned to the dumpster, I wasn't surprised she was there, sleeping in a shelter that I recognized as the material I had thrown out yesterday.
It was clear she had been out there all night. Sure she hadn't eaten anything, I went to a nearby store abd bought two sandwhiches and some drinks.
How was it clear? Did her clothes look wet? Her hair even messier than before?
As I made my way back to her shelter, I noticed she was already getting up and looking around. She turned my way, and I knew she noticed me approaching. This time, she didn't try to leave.
She paused for a second as if she was deciding if she should tell me.
"My name... it's Sonata Dusk," she said, taking a seat back down.
5433727 You came all the way to the actual story just to say that instead of passing it over?
This story has some potential, though there are quite a few typos in this, I highly recommend either going back and fixing them or hire a proofreader, I'd offer some of my services, but I'm tied up with a huge crossover series.
This was a good first try at writing, and I look forward to see more of this story
You hate writing? It shows.
People I know I have mistake in my work I also ask for feed back so I can improve my writing but you don't have to be mean about it this is my first work and am a terrible writer and I do plain on fixing my mistake
For those telling me to get a proofreaders do try to understand this I didn't have anyone to help me my friends don't like mlp so they won't help I don't have any connection to a source reader so I did this in the dark, blind with no help that why I was hoping for NICE feedback to help me not the RUDE ones I've been seeing so far
5434364 Good intentions, but not everyone comes to read and correct a story. It's kinda like a movie, you don't wanna pay twenty bucks to see the beginning of idea don't know, Avengers: Age of Uldron only to find already there's a misspelling of the word "Ultron". Or watching further into the movie you find a character forgetting their lines or messing up in the movie. You would definitely want your money back after the time that was wasted.
Which is one of the reasons why it is important to get an editor and a proofreader before publishing and if there's any mistakes the reader would be able to kindly let it slide and even let you know so that you could fix it.
Hope this helps. :3
5434463 Ah, well there's a proofreading and editing group for you to join. One is The Proofreaders Group and the other one is The Editor's Group.
5434482 well I knew that my story had some problem with it but I didn't think it was this much I thought it would be a problem with the story itself like understanding it not the whole grammar thing
I went back in tried my best to fix the error in the story so I hope it better to read now
Well I've been watching the comment section from the start, and I gotta say it was funny reading everyone go off at the guy.
Sure maybe it's his first time but at least give him some useful tips like everyone been saying.
OR maybe give him links to some fimfiction groups like:
The writer group http://www.fimfiction.net/group/50/the-writers-group
The proofreader group http://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/the-proofreader-group
And many other group. Please look in their similar group section.
Side note. I get yelling at him to get a proofreader is a tip but it's a pretty lazy tip when you say " desc is bad, get proofreader " and only that.
The plot of the story has potential and can be put into a great story! The only thing that made me dislike this is the fact that there is so many grammar mistakes that I can't even understand some parts of it. I recommend to get a good editor and at least proofread your work.
5435563 Don't worry, he's working on it.
5435649 Well that's great! I'm really looking forward to your revised work!
Hello!, The story has a great beginning, though are you going to turn this into a romance fic. Cause if you are you should take your time, and I understand it might be hard but when your done the feeling is amazing. If you need an editor I recommend TheUndiscoveredPony, she's one of my good friends but she's usually really busy. if you ask just say I sent you.
Keep writing!
5442188 Thanks for the feedback, I do plain on taking my time with the romance but not so much to where it only come at the end, and also thank for the recommended of your friend I will look into that in time when I feel my writing has 'improve'.
Your welcome!
Since you've requested a review, here it is:
Cut out this part of the opening. The transition between Third-person and First-person is jarring and it doesn't set up the story very well. Since the next paragraph is written in First-person we can see a much more interesting story unfolding before the narrator.
And now for spelling and grammar (as far as I know).
Replace "blue jeans pants" with either "blue jeans" or "blue jean pants".
Scrapes and cuts.
How about "a girl being hurt"?
a little beat up.
Replace these phrases with "and saw" and "panicked and".
1. Remove the space between the quotation mark and the word "hey,".
2. Remove the hyphens; they should be used when the speaker is cut off in the middle of a sentence. And should stay inside the quote.
3. Replace the comma with a question mark.
4. Replace the question mark with a period.
Remove the comma.
1. Remove the comma.
2. The phrase is "as I eyed".
I could tell she didn't trust me but there was nothing I could do if she didn't.
Aright, I'm confused.
Replace with either "It's clear" or "It was clear".
Remove the comma.
1. Remove the space between the word "promised" and the comma.
2. and nothing they said was nice.
Nobody likes you.
1. Remove the period.
2. Sisters.
1. Looked.
2. Remove "that"
3. Remove the comma, an ellipsis has three periods.
4. Remove the hyphens.
The is "is", and an ellipsis has three periods.
"Well 1.Sonata my name is Blitz Shot, and why don't you stay here for the 2.night then we can talk more in the 1.morning that sound okay to 3.you,"
1. Add a comma
2. Add a question mark at the end of "night" then capitalise the first letter in "then".
3. Replace the comma with a question mark.
1. Add an apostrophe like so: "can't".
2. Remove the hyphens.
______________
And remember: Never post your first draft!
Revise it again, then again, then a third time for luck.
Just leave the anticipation to me, as I very much look forward to hearing more from you.
This is, good I'm enjoying it so far.
I don't quite understand why there are so many dislikes,sure there are some errors here and there,but it doesn't distract me from reading the rest of the story, besides that I like how this is going so far.
I like it. People really need to stop disliking at first sight and at least give it a chance. I don't see the problem with it apart from a few errors that can be corrected easily.
6292788 I personally have a learning disability that makes my grammar and spelling complete shit, but it also makes it so I don't see almost any errors in a story. As long as the plot is somewhat to my tastes I can read almost anything!
5596400
It's those are real sticklers for grammar.
8950036
It was actually due to a very early start for this story. I had very bad grammar and no editor. Add on the fact I, myself, did not proofread it made for a horrible start. Luckily with some help I've managed to make a good come back and is able to do these on my own. Though my main issue is trying to keep the story updated, haha.