Derpy, on her normal delivery route, notices that a Zebra running across town has dropped a piece of paper. After returning it, the two talk, and soon become great friends...and more.
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Maybe its... Too perfect.
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BTW I'm going to play Sakura Spirit. Follow if you want to see the events that follow.
I hope you don't mind me pointing out another typo.
5740439 you beat me to it, I was gonna say "too perfect" as well!
5740609
How about, instead of us cluttering up the comment section, you PM me with it?
5740645 Ok.
5740621
Sorry.
well this is a thing
stayclassy
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Stupid sexy Rush...
5746086
Maybe... you've seen it, I take it?
I assume you mean too large, otherwise they must have a tiny bed! Other than that, keep up the good work
Hello again!
I apologize for taking so long to meet your request, but here I am! I'd like to start by saying I will try to avoid being severely negative (i.e. outright saying I hate something) but at the same time I won't pull my punches either. Also, I hesitate to call what I'm about to do a "review", because reviews go in to very meticulous details about a piece of media and I, unfortunately, lack both the patience for such a task and the ability to accurately articulate what I think of the story as a whole. I mean absolutely no offense to you and apologize if offense is caused.
That said, what I'll do is something similar to my last post on this story, but this time I'll be comparing the grammar and prose of your first couple of chapters to that of your most recent. I will tell you what I found wrong and attempt to give you advice on how to fix it.
Always remember, though, that you are the author, and thus the only one who fully controls the story. I say this so you can keep in mind that opinions such as mine are only as valuable as you want them to be, and I won't hold it against you if you think I'm full of shit... because the odds are that I probably am.
Okay, I've bored you long enough, let's start.
I'll begin by saying that things I said in my previous comment about the first chapter remain true now... which is not a good thing. Add to that the characters have a severe case of the "Saids" and you've got a first chapter that makes it really very hard to get into the story.
Now, compare that to the most recent chapter you wrote, which still has some slight errors here and there but is otherwise a vast improvement over the first as it fixes many of the problems those first couple of chapters have; dialogue flows better, the characters are more organic and it's simply written better.
HOWEVER, having your last few chapters be written well means nothing if your readers can't make it past the first few. Do a side-by-side comparison of your first chapter and your last chapter and you'll see exactly what the problem is.
Does this mean I think your story is bad? Absolutely not. I, personally, am put off by the first couple of chapters. But that's just me, one person. But the story as a whole is good!
My recommendation is to touch up older chapters, bring them up to the quality of the newest. Apart from that, you're doing a great job!
P.S. I apologize if this disappoints you, I'm not exactly good at this.
5862598
I know what you mean. Many people say that the first few chapters are... well, bad. Just read until at least the next few chapters, it gets better, I swear.