Darkness Falls
Applejack woke to the sounds of loud bangings and explosions nearby. In an instant, she went from a calm stupor of sleep, to a sudden awareness. She could hear every crash, and the drawn out, keening scream. Still, even through her panic, it was hard to force her eyes to open. She was still so... so tired.
Slowly, her orange lids rose, and a sliver of her emerald eyes peeked out from between their exhausted curtains. Even that small effort was taxing the mare though, and after a moment they fell shut once more.
With a thundering boom, a wave of heat washed over the farmer though and her eyes snapped open as pain seared her thigh. Jerking upright, AJ kicked her powerful legs, trying to dislodge what looked like the battered remainder of Fluttershy’s cabin door, burning merrily where it struck her. The wooden spar flew through the air as she bucked again. Momentarily steadied by the adrenaline still coursing through her system, Applejack levered herself to her hooves.
She stood in time to hear another resounding crash, and to duck as more wooden splinters shot through the green bubble surrounding the cottage, bursting into fiery life as they touched the barrier. Even crouched low, AJ yelped as another splinter landed squarely on her rump, making the orange mare hop about as she tried to remove it.
Prancing about, kicking her legs out hard behind her, she popped the smoldering plank off of her, where it landed in the grass nearby. With a snort of annoyance and a grimace of pain, AJ shook herself, and froze.
Ignoring the continued tinkle of shattered glass and bright, loud flashes of light that flared from within the bubble, AJ ran over to a patch of grass nearby. Another one of the many bits of flaming shrapnel had landed among the soft green blades, and without a tightly muscled plot to extinguish itself on had set the grass into a cheerful blaze. AJ stamped out the newborn conflagration, dancing atop the grass exactly as she had often teased Rarity for doing when excited, marked by the rapid tip-tap of her hooves as the rose and fell almost too fast to see. Rarity’s little dance was usually punctuated by a smile and a high pitched giggle though, while AJ’s was marked only with a short snort and a wince as her sensitive hooves came down on the fire. After a moment though, the cool, soft grass that had not been lit was trampled as well, shielding her from the worst of the heat.
For a few seconds, the rapid destruction of the small infernos consumed her attention, running from one small kindled fire to another. She stamped on each one until she was sure that it was well and truly killed, before searching for the nearest remaining fire. With each moment, the cheerful little flames grew, fattening themselves on each blade of grass, becoming hungrier and hungrier. With every fire, Applejack could feel the flames gaining heat, finding a firm hold on their new domain.
Then she saw the edge of one white hoof near a blaze, and panic overcame her. She galloped over, ignoring not only the flame she had been smooring, but several other small lights as she ran over to the unmoving body of her wife. Without time to explain or apologize, after a quick assurance that the unicorn was still breathing, AJ smacked Rarity hard across the face.
Azure eyes snapped open as she cried out in pain. Applejack could feel the unicorn’s magic pressing against her in a weak, automatic defense. Still reeling from whatever Twilight had done to them and groggy from her abrupt awakening, the psychic attack did little more than make the earth pony stagger back a step, rather than throwing her several yards through the air.
“Come on, Rarity!” The farmer shouted over another cacophonous bang, darting a quick look over her shoulder to make sure nothing new was flying at them, intent on causing her more pain. However, the coast was clear, and another startling, white burst of light shone from within the dome, shining like a newborn star. “Rarity! Ya need ta move!”
“What?” Rarity asked, sitting up slowly. One white hoof came to gently rub at her eyes as Rarity groaned. Then her hoof slid a few inches lower down the gentle slope of the hill she had been resting on, and came dangerously close to the scintillating grass. With a yelp, Rarity’s eyes widened and she jerked her hoof up close to her chest, pushing herself away from the flames as AJ pounced on the fire that had the audacity to hurt her wife.
“Applejack, what, in the name of fashion, is going on?”
“Ah don’ know! Ah need yer help, so quit yammerin’ and help me stop these fires before the whole forest goes up!”
For a moment, Rarity was frozen, thrown back to the argument that had brought them so close together. The last time AJ had told her to ‘quit her yammering’ had also been the last time the farmer had ever really been angry with her, during that stormy night at Twilight’s...
This was no time to be lost in thought though, and as the farmer whirled to find a new fire to be stamped out, Rarity hauled herself to her feet with the careless grace that came from years of practice. As she stood, she felt sensation returning to her extremities, and more importantly, magic flowing back into her horn.
With perfect timing too, as with another resounding, banging crash, what appeared to be all that survived of Fluttershy’s wall was sent flying through the barrier. When it touched the green wall, the wooden one passed through, an inferno blossoming and consuming it as it flew.
Rarity set her hooves firmly in the soft dirt, concentrating on the incoming pyroclasm. With a grunt, a net of shimmering cyan energy expanded before the hurtling inferno.
The net caught the wall, halting its progress. The force of the impact shoved Rarity to her knee’s though, her hooves digging small furrows in the soil as she was pushed back. Beads of sweat that had nothing to do with the intense heat began to form on her brow as the white mare gritted her teeth, struggling to her hooves again. With a very uncharacteristic grunt, Rarity twisted her head sharply, and the wall was thrown off of the magical net, landing with a crash on the hill before her. Acting quickly, before flames had a chance to take hold on their new surroundings, Rarity brought the net crashing down on the wall, solidifying it and closing the small gaps she had woven into the spell.
A blanket of blue light descended on the fire, forming a smaller version of the same dome that still surrounded the pegasus’ house. Instead of immolating everything that touched it though, Rarity’s barrier was of far simpler manufacture. It was a wall of power, plain and simple, and was as solid as the trunk of a great oak to the touch. It melded seamlessly with the rolling flow of the ground around the remnant of wall that was still merrily blazing away, forming a tight seal around the fire.
For a moment, the fire continued to burn, and tongues of flame licked the walls of the cage. Then, in the space of a heartbeat, the fire vanished, snuffed out as it stole the air from within its prison. With no more air to sustain it, the fire flared once, before dying to smoldering coals.
Ignoring the sharp burning pain as the fire flared up to strike at Rarity’s magical barrier, the unicorn held her spell steady until even the faint red sparks of the live coals died away, leaving only a perfect circle of burnt turf, and the desiccated remains of the wooden structure.
Another bang, this one much louder than before shook the ground around the cabin, and suddenly the green shield fell away. It left a ring of burnt earth where it had touched the grassy soil, but where Rarity’s barrier had followed the undulating flow of the ground it rested on, forming a perfect seal, this barrier had simply ignored such pleasantries. It had eaten away at the dirt wherever it had risen above the line of the shield, leaving glowing slag in its place.
A moment after taking this quick inventory of the aesthetic destruction, Rarity saw a body fly out through the now wall-less cabin. It sailed through the air, rolling as it did, and came crashing down to earth near where Applejack was killing the last little fire.
The orange mare jumped, yelping in shock as the large black body bounced off of the dirt before her and began to roll at her. Taking a few quick steps back, AJ dove to one side as the limp form bounced and rolled through the air once more, before slamming into a tree with enough force to shake leaves from its branches.
There was a sickening crunch as the black body struck the tree trunk, and Applejack felt her stomach attempt to turn itself inside out. The mare, she could only tell by the shape of the body, the poor creature was so badly burnt, was bent about the trunk of the thin pine. Her spine had to be broken, it was bent... wrong. Too far, almost at a right angle.
For a moment, the mare just lay there, still. Then, with an explosive inhalation that nearly gave AJ, and Rarity who had come up beside her, simultaneous heart attacks, the reptilian eyes snapped open. They rolled in their sockets for a second, before locking onto the two ponies nearby. With a weak, evil chuckle, the mare pulled herself forward with her forehooves.
Then, with a scream of pain and another, stomach churning series of snaps, pops, and wet crunches, the creatures spine crackled back into position. With a final pop, the mare stood like liquid lightning, glaring at the pair who were staring at her. Then she tilted her neck to the side, further and further, until with a soft pop, the joints loosened.
She began walking towards them then, taking long, menacing strides.
“You.” She snarled, glaring at Rarity. “You called her here, didn’t you. How dare you. How dare you.”
The light of madness gleamed in her eyes as she took another step towards the frozen duo, and finally the spell broke.
Eyes wide with fear, both mares turned and galloped away from the insane pony walking calmly after them. Then, another bubble of emerald light crashed down around them, consuming grass, soil, and the tip of Applejack’s hat as the farmer skidded to a halt. They were trapped, and the mare was still coming, baring down on them with those same, terrifyingly slow strides.
Then the barrier suddenly lowered, leaving nothing between the madmare and the pair of terrified ponies. Nothing, that is, until a small, purple pony simply stepped out of the air before them. Twilight’s teleportation had been flawless, without even the barest trace of magical power being wasted, without light or heat. She just appeared, walking slowly out of the air and into the material world once more.
“Give up, Acshina. You can’t win.”
The black mare reared, lashing out with her forehooves. The edges of the black hooves gleamed as light rebounded from their sharp edges. They beat at the air inches from Twilight’s face, striking sparks as they bounced off of an invisible barrier that shimmered in the air before the unicorn. It looked no more substantial than air that had been heated enough to dance in place, but Applejack could tell by the way the taller form’s muscles bunched and corded that she must be striking the wall with prodigious force.
Suddenly changing her assault, the mare bent her head and send a burst of crimson flames hurtling towards Twilight. With a small grunt of amusement, Twilight’s horn lit, and once again she vanished. She appeared silently behind the black form, while the bloody flames scorched the earth where she had stood.
Obviously used to the lavender ponies tactics, the black body didn’t hesitate as it lashed its back hooves out, again striking that invisible shield. This time though, the tall pony slammed her hooves into the wall with enough force to send Twilight several inches back, her hooves digging the same furrows as Rarity’s had only moments ago.
Without pause, the mare’s horn burst into crackling life as dark lightning shot from its tip into the sky above. It struck the air above them and clouds began to swirl about them, darkening the sunny day with a sudden, chilly downpour. Then, as one final bolt of power jetted into the cloud layer, and answering bolt of lightning, not the pure, bright white fire of nature, but a murky, black shock of energy, lanced down from the heavens.
It struck Twilight’s sheild, a split second before a bellowing, echoing crash of thunder rocked the world. For a moment, both mare’s were blinded by the brilliant attack, farmer and unicorn alike seeing nothing but a black outline of the lightning strike as they blinked rapidly. Then the world came back into focus suddenly.
The black mare, exhausted from her terrifying display of magic, stood panting on the hillside, staring at the smoking crater where Twilight had stood. Her sides were heaving as she took breath after ragged breath, glaring at the wreakage. Suddenly, her body stiffened and she let out a feral scream, a primal expression not only of defiance, but of utter fury.
Following the monsters gaze, both ponies looked over to the crater, to see a dim black shape materialize through the dust and smoke. Shaking herself off, so that her dun coat once again shone lavender in the returning sunlight, Twilight shook her head sadly.
“You can’t survive that!” Acshina screamed, stamping her hoof against the ground, the tired impact making only a slight thump.
Before her, Twilight’s eyes narrowed as the glared at the mare. Then, her amethyst eyes went to the heavens, as if looking for permission. Then the mare shook her head, and a tight, sad smile stretched her lips.
“You should have stayed in your mirror.” She spoke softly, eyes softening for a moment as she looked at the monster with pity. Then they hardened once more as she saw the singed flanks of her friends. “Now its my turn.”
Twilight set her hooves slowly, and carefully aimed her horn. Then, with her eyes closed, her horn lit, and she sent the same deadly, black lightning streaking through the air, striking the black mare’s horn.
Princess Celestia snorted, stamping her golden hoof and glaring at her guard. Nothing daunted, the white unicorn glared right back at the Princess, the tips of their horns almost touching. “I’m going, Valiant. That is final.”
“The hell it is.” Valiant growled back, taking a tiny step forward, forcing the alicorn to back away the same distance. “Light! You are not going back there Princess. Last time you did, I almost died, and I will not let that happen to you!”
“Precisely. You almost died, Valiant. You can’t stop this kind of magic, and you know it. So stop being stubborn, and let me leave.” Celestia’s voice was soft, and through the clipped words, Valiant could tell that the white mare was struggling to rein in her own temper, even as Valiant restrained her own.
“Sister, maybe you should-”
“Shut up, Luna!” Both mares shouted, turning to glare at the black alicorn in unison. Taken aback by the ferocity of the joint assault, Luna’s head pulled away from them, looking hurt. Quietly, she trotted back to one of the cushions scattered about the room, burying her head in the soft comfort it provided until only her eyes and the crown of her head showed above its fluffy mass.
Both mares returned their gaze to their opposite, and this time they both inched closer. Their horns were only millimeters apart, and red and gold lightning jumped from tip to tip as they glared.
Ducking her head suddenly, and carefully aiming so that her horn didn’t skewer the taller mare, Valiant cracked her head hard against Celestia’s, sending the taller mare staggering back. After a step, the alicorn’s legs gave out under her, and her rump plopped soundly on the floor.
Valiant was no less woosey from the blow, but she managed to remain standing with only a staggering step, before glaring at the dazed Princess. “So help me, Celestia.” She slurred slightly, before stamping her hoof hard against the stone floor. “I will tie you down myself if I have to. You are not going without me!”
Slowly, Celestia staggered to her hooves, blinking rapidly as her pupils contracted. In a flash, her angry glare was reinstated, with interest. Then, with a visible effort, she calmed herself. The lavender eyes closed for a moment, and Celestia took several slow, deep breaths.
“Captain Valiant. I am about to enter a place of extreme danger. I believe that I may... that I have, awakened an evil that should have long ago been buried. I cannot allow you to risk yourself while I confront this creature. It has already come close to ending your life, draining you of so much magic that your body began to shut down.”
“That won’t happen again, I was careless.” The unicorn grumbled, blushing lightly.
“Valiant, that spell was simply the skeleton, the leftovers of a much more powerful working. The creature that cast the spell wasn’t even within the bound of the Everfree anymore. The ghost of her spell nearly killed you. I cannot allow you to risk yourself facing the creature directly.”
Her voice was soft, and her eyes were still closed, but Celestia was pulsing with emotions. It pounded out through the air around her in waves, first a hot flush of anger, then the icy, biting cold of fear, to the crawling itch of uncertainty. Emotions rolled off of her in smooth, controlled waves and the Princess seemed unable to truly dampen the strength of her feelings.
“Princess-”
“No, Valiant. I am not going to let you risk your life. You won’t even slow this, this thing down!” Celestia finally looked at the unicorn again, eyes shining. Her voice wasn’t raised above the same, soft whisper, but her tone was suddenly intense. “You cannot imagine how powerful this creature is. Luna is the only other pony who can stop her, or I wouldn’t be letting her join me either.”
“I know you are powerful, Valiant, and strong and skilled. But this is far beyond anything you can do. I’m sorry, but I need you to remain here.”
“I’m going.”
“Valiant, y-” Princess Celestia began, before the smaller mare cut her off.
“I’m going with you, Princess. I won’t fight, if that is truly what you want. You can force me to remain here, I know that. But I am going to go with you, and help in any way I can. Even if that means that I can only evacuate the town, I’m going to help you, Princess.”
“I think,” Luna spoke quietly, rising from her cushion. She walked slowly towards her sister and the brave little mare. “That you cannot dissuade her, sister. Let her come, she might help calm Ponyville, and ensure that they are safe. We can keep her attention away from Ponyville, but there is a very real chance that they will not be safe from the strength of our spells. Valiant Heart will be able to stop all but a direct attack with ease. You must think of them, sister, of the town that will be in danger no matter what course you choose.”
Princess Celestia looked from her sister, who stood nearby, shifting restlessly from hoof to hoof, to Valiant, who was staring earnestly, pleadingly back at her. With a sigh, Celestia nodded slowly.
“Fine. But you are to evacuate the town only, Valiant. Do I make myself clear?”
“Perfectly, Princess.” Valiant said with a bow.
Then Princess Celestia’s horn began to glow, and a moment later, they all vanished with a flash of light.
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And thus the clash of the titans begins!
2198777
SERGEANT FLUTTERS!!! *hugattack* I'VE MISSED YOU
Oh god, Celestia won't react well when/if Twilight manages to tell her she's been dating a fake before her 'fated death' (Provided,of course, Aschina doesn't take twilight's guise and dies while in it, and if she does, Celestia probably has to choose which one is the real, shapshifting 101)
Finally! I can't wait to see their faces when they realize that Twi's back and more powerful than ever.
You're getting a little carried away with "what would be totally cool if it happened" syndrome. It's ok to have badassery but you're starting to hit total mary sue territory here. Trick is know that you have to keep with the already written part of the story while dialing back the OP character. Either have something happen that would cause the hostile to gain power, change the tactics of the battle to better suit the hostile (or poorly suit OP character), or have something happen that would cripple the OP character. All of which has to be done in a believable way that rationalizes why one of the characters didn't utilize that advantage/disadvantage earlier.
Like say, twilight's emotional state being utilized in some way in combination with Celestia's appe... I'll just shut up now.
But twi being a Mary Sue is perfect for this! Mary Sue is good when well written, and this is well written.
Oh and don't listen to curiouscurse Just keep going as you are. It is perfect how it is. Whatever happens, happens.
2199784
While I do think that Twilight's rise to power should likely have been given more focus, power doesn't make a mary sue. What makes a mary sue is the lack of dramatic tension that comes with a character simply having an answer to the problems that make up the story. The 'answer' provided by such a character can be power, knowledge, emotional clarity or even something as simple as a piece of property that resolves a problem. The key is to ask yourself if there has been a journey between the inception of a problem and its solution.
In this case, questions of when Twilight's friends will find out about the imposter, what the imposter will do in the meantime, whether Twilight can be convinced to save them at the behest of one of her least sensible friends have and what Celestia will do when she discovers the truth, what will happen back at the old castle, etc, all drive the story forward. The fight between Twilight and Acshina isn't even shown for the most part, because as you pointed out, the fight isn't a question, it's an answer. Yes,
SupermanTwilight got there in time to save the day, but there's still reason to ask "what happens next?" because fighting isn't what this story is about.(Though yes, if the story ended right there and everything was solved by the fight, that would be a poor climax)
2198902 As you were private, there's a job to do and only you can do it! The copes is counting on you!
s/sheild/shield
The best chapters of this story are these revolving around Twilight brooding and getting herself stronger. The rest seems almost... Bland. In my opinion you have taken too big a task on yourself by writing all the important characters - too many of them often result in lack of detail and depth to each one. I think this would have been a much better story if you focused on Twilight, Celestia and the thing from the mirror alone. Although, the zebra was also written pretty well.
I believe you mean EYElids.
2202361 Why downvotes; it's just opinion.
2202361>>2205166
I dont know why they are downvoting it either. I agree with him. I have stated, repeatedly, that I do not like this story, for basically the reasons he outlined. It isn't well thought out. It doesn't have a plot that isnt easily foreseeable, and requires that Twilight attain stupid levels of power for the plot to move on. Its pointless Mary Sue-ism, like the other commenter posted a little while ago. (Which, while I will agree that she is like that, it was rather hurtful to write it like that, or how I read it anyway)
So yes, it is bland, because most of this has been written either with me being completely inexperienced, or somewhat inexperienced and despising what I am writing. Sorry.
2206775
I wouldn't call Twilight a Mary Sue in this - she is actually pretty well written in my opinion. There is conflict and strife, some personal problems she needs to get over; to me the power buildup isn't actually of any issue, since I see the inner changes she goes through, as she deals with Celestia rejecting her love, as the main focus of this story. That is why I'm reading, to see whether or not Twilight will win the battle that she is fighting against herself. The rest is auxiliary and as such serves (again, to me) only as a mechanism to push Twilight to her final confrontation with the object of her affection.
If Luna were black again, I'd think Celestia would be at least a little worried about it.
2199784
Well that was half an attempt at humor and a full and story specific explanation on how to make twilight less OP. Seriously, she's facing off against some ancient evil Celestia thinks would be a threat with only it's indirect power. Granted, her reference was something Twilight did but it still says something that she believes it definitely possible for it to have done that. Suddenly, I'm getting more flak than a bomber over Berlin in the early 1940s.
Owch guys, owch.
2222527
Sorry. I'm not saying that I enjoyed reading what you wrote, but I agree with the basic idea you put forth.
2222029
I suppose the best way to describe a Mary Sue is a character that isn't realistic. A character with obscene levels of power, or one that is loved by everyone are typical Mary Sue markers. Basically, they are just too perfect. In a lot of ways, Twilight has become one in this story. It is very Twilight-centric, and she is more powerful than, well, anything else apparently. Most of that is the fact that I can't write worth shit, or at least I couldn't for most of this. (I like to think I have gotten marginally better)
I have a lot of little things that made sense to me about how Twilight was gaining power, but they aren't really that obvious looking back, and they aren't referenced enough for others to make the connection. As such, Twilight to all appearances, is just randomly superpowered. Add to that the fact that I basically threw another Mary Sue into it with Acshina/Empathy/evil Twilight, it becomes a really poorly written story. She's also way to powerful, without an explanation. As a basic overview anyway, that answer your questions?
great chapter! i find it a little sad that you don't like this story much, i absolutely love it.
Just started reading the story a day ago and already caught up with the end.
I must say, that while the story is good, the way you jump between scenes and events from chapter to chapter (and sometimes even withing one chapter) is really confusing. It's like you're just skipping a lot.
2270318
Yeah, sorry. I know I do it a lot, and well... read below
2268299
I know that a lot of you do. Obviously, or you wouldn't be reading it. But I don't, for a very specific set of reasons. Primarily, when I began this story, I had a set plan in mind, one that I was helped in synthesizing at about chapter 3. However, I became rather enamored not only with myself, but with the idea of people enjoying what I wrote, and the constructed path of the story petered off into nonexistence. I began adding new things, plot elements and characters, many of which were never returned too. I fully intend to, once I finish this story, which should be quiet soon actually, tear it apart piece by piece, and would greatly like for others to help me, because my foremost goal, other than receiving the recognition of several eminent writers (who most annoyingly chose to abstain themselves from this site, bastards) was to improve my own abilities. Many of those plot elements I mentioned (the batwings, what Acshina is, and her connection to the Castle, to name a few) will be noted again there, with minor explainations and suggestions on how they might have been better utilized, or on how it would be most helpful to have substitued a known quantity in their stead.
Alas though, that is but part of my problem, for I now find myself writing a story within a genre I care little for. I despise adventure novels, and we must all admit that this story has become one such. I find them repetitive and predictable, and while my own prefered reading (long romance novels, often with a side of socio-political difficulties, see High Risk and Hotel Liason by Jlee Meyer) is also predictable, they are also paced in such a way that the minor differences in the narration become significant points. While we all know A will eventually find happiness with B, their own minor troubles, and those of the group or groups which they are a part of, are spread out enough that they become the focus, rather than the garnish, without detracting from the romance of the story. That is, essentially, what I wanted to do with this story, and as is evident, what I have also failed to do.
I feel I am rambling on, but it has been a niggling ache in my mind for some time, and I wished to speak it at some point.
Also, please forgive me my speech, I tend towards adopting the style and language of my current novella, and am currently reading about upper class English soldiers, Scottish lords turned prisoner turned printer turned farmer turned soldiers, and the American Revolution, which they both have a great deal to do with. (Diana Gabaldon, An Echo in the Bone)
The next chapter of Immortality is completed, and once I finish organizing my MTG cards once again, I shall commence editing with vigor. Until it is posted I suppose.
Hugs and Kisses
Nadake
2206832
Just cuz someone has emotional problems doesn’t prevent someone from being a Mary Sue — Twilight is the Sympathetic Sue variety, as the tragic heroine. ‘I am SAD and the author-given powers of badassery implies that this author agrees with me and so I am justified in my sadness. All must sympathize! Gaze upon my sadness and despair!” Ofc, the author wants to write a story that author thinks is their greatest, which means any attempt at sadness means the author is trying their damnedest to pull at our heartstrings and sympathize with the protagonist. Well it isn’t working, what with the grating misuse of clauses and purple prose everywhere.
‘Now it’s my turn.” Really? Cliche action movie hero catchphrases?
I actually thought the only thing worthwhile that happened so far was Pinkie putting Twilight in her goddamn place back at the castle.