When Star quarterback Discord asks the shyest girl in school to a party after the big game?
This was inspired by Quarterback - Kira Isabella
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 9th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 11th, 2019
Dawn Barlow Valcore
Hi, Dawn. i signed up for this account a long time ago. I'm not on here often anymore. Life kinda happened. ^^;
Dawn Barlow Valcore
Joined 9th Jul, 2014 ·
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..............no comment
because a story this bad needs to have something said.
A little feedback without being rude could go a long way.
4799793
It's underdeveloped; a story like this, with this kind of subject matter, really needs to be drawn out a bit more. You need to work on the characters' emotions a bit more, as no one seems to react realistically to anything that's happened.
Then, there are all the punctuation errors which can detract from a story's flow, for example:
you don't need the apostrophe in colleges.
And you don't ever use more than a single exclamation mark when emphasising a sentence.
Plus, the ending. Discord should be facing criminal charges for spreading underage pornography, not almost getting Fluttershy's forgiveness.
4799857
Also, when you adapt a character to a different milieu, you need to try to match up their life circumstances.
Quarterbacks are incredibly popular as a general rule. Discord is totally unpopular. Quarterbacks participate in a sport, with rules, which is usually a central part of life at a school. Discord makes up his own rules and does not participate in anything that is central to pony society. Discord being a star quarterback doesn't fit the character at all. If you wanted to do a high school AU where Discord takes Fluttershy out on a date, gets her drunk and date rapes her, making him someone who is really popular fits the typical circumstance for a date rape, but not the character. If you'd made him the lead guitarist for a band or something else like that, where he doesn't fit into normal society and his status comes in part from being an outlier, that would have worked better. Quarterbacks are almost the stereotype of "completely accepted by high school society".
4799885
Good point. Being British, I'm not "up" on the intricacies of American high school culture, but what you said makes perfect sense.
4799857 thanks! i will try my best to fix those problems and revise it!
4799885 that's true... may i ask which character(s) would be a better fit?
4799928
For a quarterback... hmm. Bulk Biceps very much has that jock thing going on, but he's more of a bodybuilder or a linebacker than a quarterback. Maybe Soarin' -- in most stories it's Dash who's with Soarin', but he's probably the best example of a male athlete of the type that could be a quarterback in the whole pony universe. (Also, if Dash is his friend, Fluttershy would be more inclined to trust him, and Dash would totally kick his ass afterward for hurting her friend, even if he is also her friend.) Big Mac might make sense as a quarterback -- he's strong and he's smart, even if he doesn't talk much -- but he's a very honorable stallion and it would be very out of character for him to take advantage like that. Blueblood might actually work -- quarterbacks have such high status in many high schools, they are practically treated like princes.
If you wanted to keep it Fluttershy/Discord (I suspect you would rather keep it a quarterback, because of the song, but if you wanted to keep the ship instead), I'd make Discord a musician in a rock band. (Not the lead singer, because a lead singer named Discord is a really scary idea. :-)) Probably punk or metal or something like that.
4799974 actually i like those ideas, truth be told when i was first coming up with this one shot, it was gonna be big mac and fluttershy... i should have kept it... but i may rework it as big mac because well... applejack would kill him no? lol. and thanks for the help.
I thought this story was okay overall but needs improvements both in grammar and storytelling. If there's anything that was the best thing from it, it's the concept or basic idea for the story. I think it's an interesting choice to tell this kind of story but improvement needs to be made..
This isn't too bad, honestly. Definitely not good, but the idea is actually pretty decent. However, you need to work on... well, quite a few things, but mostly the pacing. You tell us what happens, but that's it. There's no emotion, no character depth. It feels more like a script.
"X happens.
'X happened,' says A to B.".
I'm in no position to talk about that with my limited vocabulary and all, but you could talk about random things to serve as a filler, or add a few lines in first person to show us what characters are thinking.
The grammar isn't too bad otherwise, and there aren't that many mistakes, though reading through it even once would probably allow you to fix half of the spelling mistakes and typos.
Also, it wouldn't hurt to break the whole thing down into small paragraphs, either. Even with indents, it's still a huge wall of text.
The day changes, but the paragraph is still the same. The only one there is.
Onto the story itself... I like the way you portrayed Discord. Yes, he's OOC compared to what he is in the show, but EqG isn't really canon. Either way, he's a kid in this story, and the way you depicted him is believable for a younger / teenage version of him, before giving into the more 'serious' side of chaos. (Yes, Discord is serious in his own ways.)
However, you also depict him as some sort of popular bully who doesn't give a fuck about anything, and that makes for a pretty boring and predictable plot. I mean, he gets a naïve Fluttershy to trust him, breaks her trust to release underage porn or whatever he actually did, and then she's 'nice' enough to be willing to forgive him? That's just... I don't know, cliché? Cheesy?
There's potential for turning this into some pretty interesting angst-filled drama. Imagine Discord falling for Fluttershy after seeing that she's the only one willing to forgive him for his everyday bullshit. He's trying to make things right between them and with everyone else, and he's struggling to keep his reputation as Sunset Shimmer's male counterpart in terms of cuntness. While the rest of the mane six do everything they can to keep Fluttershy away from him.
Or something.
I'm not gonna rate this story because while it doesn't deserve a thumb up, it doesn't deserve such an horrible like to dislike ratio, either.
Oh, a lot of dislikes.. Don't worry, you'll get the hand of it. I believe in you.
I mean ya know, I had a feeling that Fluttershy was gonna get raped or something so yeah. Also for some unknown reason I found that hilarious! ... what the hell is wrong with me...
6136799 nothing is wrong with you! If it made you laugh I'm glad! I'm happy to see people smile....