Aiwanna

by Compendium of Steve

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Author's Note:

WARNING: Vast quantities of self-indulgent wankery ahead. Proceed with caution.

The tumbling went on for the better part of a minute, with no shortage of ceaseless theatrical yelling. In fact, the fall would have been overall pleasant if the alicorn had stopped to appreciate the breezy silence. But then who would be in that mindset when they’re tumbling through dark oblivion? A shame, but understandable.

Yet like all things, Luna’s descent came to an end when she made contact with something soft yet firm. When she willed her eyes open, it wasn’t her comfy mattress she found herself upon, but a patch of grass. Standing up on uneasy legs, she then noticed some new accessories to her person. Along with the orange headphones, she found herself decked in a blue shirt, blue pants, and a red cape that covered all of her upper body and wings. A quick peek at the grass below her brought another item to light: a plain black handgun. With her magic she brought the weapon up and looked it over.

“What in Tartarus is all this about..?” Then she got a good look at her surroundings, and instantly the world was lit up in panoramic 2D splendor. Specifically, she found herself standing on the ride side of a retro game “town”, the quotations being there because there was only two houses in sight, as well as some spikes, oddly enough. But the music was a happy town tune, so we’ll leave it at that. Strangely, this new scenery didn’t entirely bother Luna.

“Oh no. Don’t tell me I raged out into unconsciousness and I’m having one of those vivid video game dreams again. Although I’ve never seen this screen before…”

Shrugging the thought off, Luna trotted forward with gun raised, looking to wake up by the usual means: by playing the damn game. After a few steps, her gamer senses tingled and immediately she turned back just as the cross atop the first house came screaming down.

“Heh, too obvious,” she mocked as she continued walking over to the left. She came upon a pit, and as she spread her wings to fly over, she gave a large hop instead. “Huh? I’m restricted to the jump mechanics too?” She hopped up, then executed a midair hop as though in confirmation. “Yep, same mechanics. Ughhh.”

The princess grinned and beared it up and over the pit, as well as over the short row of spikes. The next screen provided the addition of a tower, pond and some trees to the desolate town. Said trees launched one of its trunks at the alicorn, who deftly hopped over it, and also managed to duck the leaves that were tossed by the other tree in passing. A bounce off a helpful arrow block brought her up to the tower terrace, and avoiding the trap of the tree by the pond, she quickly reached the third screen: another house, and a wide empty pit separating her from the exit on the other side of the screen. As she was about to contemplate backing up, a blue block buzzed into existence. The path had revealed itself in typical retro fashion.

“Right, more Mega Mare platforming. How creative.”

She hopped to the exposed block, and after a second she jumped and got some airtime before the block below vanished and a new one appeared close to the left. This was repeated a second time, but then a new train of thought came to the princess’s mind.

“You know, maybe dying would wake me up fas—”

Her thought ran a bit too long, as the block gave way beneath her and sent her plummeting into another wailing fall. Exactly three seconds later and she hit solid ground again. Even more solid, in fact, given the loud “oomph” upon landing and the fact it was hard stones blocks that met her body. She got back up, a little more unsteadily, and moved to ease the aches.

“That… felt a little too real for a dream.” As a newfound doubt seeped into her mind, she noticed the abrupt change in her surroundings. Instead of a town, a desert spread out around her, and over to her right stood a massive red 16-bit treasure chest. “Oh, what have we here?”

The chest opened up at that query, and a shower of shiny, very large coins came bouncing out toward the surprised alicorn. Luna skittered around dodging the falling wealth in the ensuing scramble, yelping in exasperation. Finally the coin barrage stopped, only for the large chest to come bouncing at her. With a desperate dash forward, Luna avoided the chest as it landed hard and crashed through the ground with thunderous impact. With the chest’s passing, an exit was revealed before Luna on the right side of the screen.

“Well, that was fast and hectic. Wonder if there’s going to be a boss soon… or a boss at all.”

Forward into the unknown she went, which quickly became a known as she entered a narrow tunnel hanging over a deep abyss. As she trotted along, a great roar filled the air as a stream of meteors fell from above and began tearing away the tunnel behind her.

“Holy Craaaap!” she yelled as she ran as fast as her restricted movement speed would allow her, keeping at least a few steps of fiery doom. At last she reached the end, only to reappear back at the right end of the screen and over open air. “What the BUUUUUUUUUUU—”

Once more into the void she gracelessly fell, but for an extended flight time of eight seconds :o! Ample time for all light to disappear and for all of Luna’s senses to become entwined in darkness, but not the kind she specialized in. Oh no, it was the digital dark of the modern era, which can be even more frightful to some than the natural kind. Eventually she met agonizingly-solid ground again, choosing to stay down a bit longer to better gather her confused senses over the wonky world around her.

And it’s right about there that I come in. ‘Hup!’

Getting back up on her hooves, Luna’s ears were met with the sound of rushing air, and looked to the right in time to see a solid skinny mass land hard in the circle of an invisible spotlight. The new arrival stood and unfolded itself, revealing a rather tall, shaved ape wearing a blue shirt, blue shorts, red cape, glasses, and a pretty pink bow atop a head of hereditary hair loss. Well, the thing wasn’t entirely shaved: the exposed arms and shins had obscene amounts of coarse hair, as though compensating for the lack of it up top. The being’s cocky stance and crazed smile made Luna raise her gun warily.

“Greetings, Princess Luna!” the ape shouted, revealing itself to be a he. “Normally that fall would have killed you, but I let it slide that time out of courtesy.”

“Who are you?” she demanded, making sure her gun was good and level. The strange man only laughed heartily, widening that smile of his.

“Right to it then! Very well: My name is conlycameobasher, and I shall be your host for these escapades.”

Deus Ex Machina

& Scrub Extraordinaire

conlycameobasher

“I see you’ve had plenty fun with the gift I sent you, milady,” he continued mockingly after that weird cutaway.

“Gift? Wait, you mean the game?” A gasp. “You’re—”

“That’s right: I’m the ‘A Fan’ you have been cursing so hotly these past few hours,” he confessed with a titter. “I must say, you got through it far quicker than I had. Although you came off a bit more flustered toward the end, hmhmhm. You know, it helps to take regular breaks for those kinds of games.”

“I see. But that town and that chest weren’t in the game,” Luna pointed out, briefly forgetting the absurdness of the meeting.

“No indeed. But as it so happens, there lies a vast world of fan works inspired by that game. Fangames, as far as the eye can see. What you witnessed was among the first to go online, and one of many that can be chosen from the deepest corner of the internet.”

“Hold on. Me getting sucked into the computer… then it wasn’t—”

“Suffice to say, no, none of that was a dream, and neither is this. A fact that you, the Master of Dreaming, had undoubtedly surmised before now,” the weirdo teased. “By completing the original game, you gained entry into the arena that is the fangame community, to face the true challenge that comes with the title of The Guy.” Luna gave her head a shake at that.

“Wait, if that’s true, then what are you exactly? And why have you brought me here, and what was with giving me that game in the first place?”

The man chortled to himself before resuming. “The first question is inconsequential in light of what is to come. As for the rest, I give one very simple but effective answer: to have you prove your worth as a true hardcore gamer!” Dun Dun DUUUUUUN!!

“...Wait, what?”

“There was some truth when I referred to myself as ‘A Fan’. I share some passing interest in your gaming exploits, but lately I’ve been noticing a troubling trend in the sorts of games you’ve been playing. Frankly, I find that you’ve grown more… casual, and complacent a gamer.”

“What!?” Luna’s jaw practically snapped off at so horrid an accusation. For any gamer worth their salt in Mountain Dew and assorted energy drinks, such a claim ranked up there with bigotry and sexual assault of one’s mother in terms of offensive insultitude.

“Yes, I’ve had cause to doubt your cred as a proper gamer. You have played and beaten many games, no question, but I find a good number of them being of the easy variety. Your Animal Crossing, Pokemon, Street Fighter, Manecraft, Haylo, Call of Pony, Mareio Kart—God these puns are just terrible! I mean really, fans, you gotta put your foot down at some point with these!” His outcry found only silence in response. But there was definitely an outraged one from the actual existing audience member.

“Now hold on! I play all kinds of hardcore games: Strider, Metal Gear Rising, Trials, I even played Fez without using a cheat sheet. And there’s nothing easy about Street Fighter!”

The man only chuckled and wagged a finger. “Far too mainstream. Paltry even, my dear. There’s some merit in difficulty, but cheat sheets and forgiving mechanics make them all too simple. It’s a despairing trend out there in the world of gaming. Legends of challenge have been defanged to make them more accessible. Even the likes of Dark Souls and Ninja Gaiden had succumbed to this, adding on things that either make them too easy or too much like every other game around them. A very sad state of affairs.” A sigh of woe. Luna wouldn’t buy it.

“If that’s how it is, then what’s your idea of hardcore gaming?”

The man tilted his head in mirth. “The ones that still retain dignity in their difficult design. Classic RPGs, Touhou, Dodonpachi, Metal Slug, Super Meat Boy, and of course: I Wanna Be The Guy fangames.” He became silent, and made a few steps to the side as his spotlight intensified. “I had lived in delusion, once. Beating console games on the highest difficulty, achievement hunting, spending long hours into the early morning on various open-world titles. Yet that made me no different from anybody else. I was nobody special; I was no champion of my craft. I was just another digit in the easy-goer demographic. But then I discovered this wondrous game, this amazing independent fan work called I Wanna Be The Guy, and the vast community that arose from the legitimate challenge it offered. And that’s when I understood.

“For you see, the key to being a true hardcore gamer is to suffer. To spend long stretches of time, doing the same action over and over, only to make just a little progress and then to repeat the headache-inducing and wrist-breaking cycle ad infinitum. Through such anguish one can be tempered, molded into the supreme gamer. Someone with sharp eyes, clear focus, and the know-how to break through any gaming challenge with ease! It is these games that true gamers live by!”

“What you’re describing is masochism: getting enjoyment solely from self-inflicted misery. There’s no gaming merit at all if you’re only seeking pain.” But the man was on the uptake with a theatrical finger waggle.

“OH no no no no! What I described, Luna, is raw retro gaming goodness. The classics of yore, they were all about repetition, pitfalls and cheap deaths. That was the very impetus for IWBTG’s creation: as a love letter to 8-bit masochism! I did fail to include that tagline in the readme, though, so my bad. But that is the game’s purpose: to reclaim those glory days of gaming. A sort of gaming that ‘gamers’ on a whole today no longer have an inkling of anymore, or never had to begin with. For the likes of us, who were there from the beginning, who were raised in those glory days, IWBTG was a godsend. One that only the few, the unshakable, the tenacious and righteous are privy to! And one which I extend to you, your majesty!”

“You’re utterly insane.” Darn tootin’. Not surprisingly, this doesn’t faze the crazy person.

“Heh. Says the goddess who sits around on her flank eating chips and yelling at 13-year-olds for hours at a time, over and over again. Isn’t that a form of insanity in of itself?” Ooh, he’s got one there.

“But I’m a princess! I fulfill my duties as needed, and I have friends I spend time with regularly. Gaming doesn’t take up the entirety of my life.”

“Well that’s also the case with me!” A pause. “Except for the princess and duties part, but you get the picture. But that’s not satisfactory enough. You’re here because I expect you to prove yourself the expert that you are, as well as have a clandestine face-off to show you the sort of gamer that I am.”

“...You can’t be serious.”

“Oh but I am,” he said with a waggle of the head and a bouncing of the brows. “Your completion of IWBTG shows there is some hope for you, but I’m here to see whether that’s true or was merely a fluke. Admittedly I am not the best fangamer around, but I have tenacity, and pizzazz. I have 220 completed fangames under my hypothetical belt. In addition, I also had the gumption to create the first I Wanna Be The Guy board game!” (No seriously, it exists: I Wanna Be The Board Game)

“Board game?!” Luna half-shouted in disbelief.

“Yuh huh. But we’ve talked enough. Now’s the time for you to enter the world of fangames proper, and show the universe once and for all if you really got the stuff. Instead of making you play through these games in their entirety, though, I’ve kindly condensed them into, what you could call... a crash course of challenge. A medley of mayhem!”

After saying that, a familiar yellow and red Save box floated down and stopped over the deluded gamer’s head, except it had the label of “Bats” over it. “And what better place to start off with than with some friends of the night.” He raised a fist and punched the box, and all hell broke loose as a swarm of 8-bit bats shot out and flew toward Luna in a most tempestuous fashion. (Well, as tempestuous as you can get with only two frames of animation)

Luna quickly shot at them, but only more popped in from the darkness. They rushed her, but rather than bite or claw, they simply ganged up and pushed the alicorn upward and sideways in a jumble. With her jimmies being rustled all around, Luna struggled to get herself level to simply get off the swarm.

“Gah, what is this? So -guh- annoying! Whoa!” the princess grumbled as she tumbled endlessly through the bat cloud. As she feverishly worked to disentangle herself, the bat-mad master himself chuckled loudly.

“Things getting a little ‘batty’ for you, princess? Oh man, what a card I am!” He sniggered at his own conceited cleverness. “Mayhaps it’s time we brought in our dear friend Sticky Keys!”

With a raise of his hand, the familiar warning window expanded into existence and grew to immense size, and two seconds later a massive pixelated fireball shot out of its frame right at Luna. The lunar princess saw the threat and managed to double jump herself free of the bat swarm, narrowly avoiding the fireball as it fried her winged tormentors to dust. She had no time to rest long upon landing, as Sticky Keys kept launching flaming doom at her. How could a digital label be spittin’ fire for pony’s sake? It makes no sense!

As she dodged for dear life, a small platform descended into view, holding some freaky sprite girl with a Minecraft pickaxe and a mischievous smile. The platform smacked into Sticky Keys and sent it away unceremoniously, only for the sprite girl to start pronouncing out random Japanese words aloud, with each letter popping out of her and flying straight at Luna. Some small relief in not worrying about burns, but she certainly hadn’t expected fighting the freakin’ alphabet!

The lettering continued until, inexplicably, a cat-face spike shot up from underneath the sprite girl and splattered her in a shower of green blood, all accompanied by the most adorable synthesized death cry. The darkness of the realm became filled up with this green palette, and suddenly Luna found herself in a verdant pixelated meadow. She didn’t have time to enjoy the scenery (or make sense of what the hell just happened), as a flock of fat white birds came swooping by.

“Ah, flippin’ birds! What kind of random nonsense is OH WHAT THE BUCK!”

With the birds gone, a massive photo-realistic toaster appeared and wobbled overhead, dropping bits of fire. Suddenly, exclamation marks appeared underneath Luna’s hooves shortly before spikes popped out in sequence. Hopping over the new perils, her heart stopped as a spike wall went screaming over her head, followed by another and another. A fourth one came roaring in at ground level, but it bumped into one of the popping spikes and spun out of control upwards and into the toaster. The kitchen appliance exploded and shattered, unleashing an angry-looking yellow rodent that dive-kicked toward Luna while saying in a deep voice, “Pika Pika? Aaaaah Pika Piii!”

Managing to sidestep the menacing mascot, the assaulted princess halted as a towering female in a goofy space get-up with green pigtails the size of her body landed to the far right of the screen. Atop the cut-out diva was none other than the host himself, chilling like the villain that he was.

“What is a contemporary fangame without some Miku in it!” he shouted right as the otaku wet-dream fired off two streams of delicious fruit from her fingertips, spouting off rapid gibberish as they homed in on Luna. Luna cried out and moved back to avoid the fruit streams, and finding herself getting cornered she desperately shot at the latest source of her woes. The bullets connected, and after some hits the massive maestra vanished in a death sound effect, ending the attack. But it wasn’t over, for in her place dropped in the psycho nerd, only now wearing black stockings, a white fur-lined coat, and dual-wielding pistols.

“Asagi!” he cried cheerfully before going on the offensive, shooting off his pistols in the most gun-fu stances imaginable. Luna could only hop and dodge the bullets at first, but upon realizing that the boss had exposed himself she began firing back. The chaotic exchange continued for some seconds, with the crazed host hopping and firing in a showy fashion but ultimately being the only one getting hit. Eventually, he warped to the center of the screen and went flipside, spinning out his legs like some inverted hyper man copter.

“Spinning Burdo Kick!”

From his whirling legs, a flood of spikes shot up in all upward direction, which prompted Luna to fire madly at him before any of the spikes reached her. In short order she succeeded in making him shoot off up into the sky, but far in the background, the massive silhouette of a distant mech arose, stopped midair, and let off an expanding energy ring that muted all sound with its approach before erupting into a roaring flash.

In the wake of the blast, the verdant meadow had been reduced to blackened earth, the sky a mournful mix of brown and red. Dropping in to the far right landed the host, wearing a spiffy black suit and gloves. He landed with heavy grace, then proceeded to swing his arms to fire off some glimmering red projectiles, all to killer symphonic rock. Luna skillfully dodged them, as well as the numerous ensuing ones that came from the host’s vocalized arm waving. He abruptly stopped, only to turn to the side and hold out and waggle his right arm.

“Distorted Japanese muttering.”

Suddenly, a circle of spikes appeared in the center of the screen and expanded outward. As they got halfway to Luna’s level, the screen went black for a second, only to light back up to reveal the spikes had closed the distance even more. The princess yelped as she scrambled for a gap, allowing the spikes to pass by her only to explode dramatically upon touching the edges of the screen. Finding herself in the clear, Luna looked to find no sign of her opponent.

“Where’d he go now?”

In immediate answer to that question, the screen flashed again and the scenery changed to that of a pumping ruins club scene, with strobe lights, shaking screen, fiery purple stuff beneath the floor and the most intense of electronical euphoria. The host had reappeared as well, only four times enlarged and brandishing some future duds, pink wig and a whip. Before Luna could remark over this latest insanity, the grinning maniac extended an upward palm, which spewed out purple orbs that rained down over the alicorn. Once more Luna focused on survival rather than retaliation, and right as the orbs had gone away the screen flashed yet again, placing the mare inside some oversized playroom. Hanging overhead was the host, slightly smaller and wearing a frog costume while standing legs spread and with his hand over his face. A mass quantity of colored balls sputtered out of him and slowly fell and spread over the area, making Luna sidestep and juke her way from harm.

A screen flash and Luna’s plopped down into a verdant meadow, bopping along to some upbeat battle music. Across from her was the host once again, seemingly back to his original get-up save for the blue cape and lack of frilly bow, bopping to the music as well. And as luck would have it, a much taller, well-dressed Spike had also joined the bopping fray.

“Finally, some assistance!” she greeted the rather flustered dragon lad to her side.

“Luna?! The hell?!”

“Let’s take this scrub down together. Follow my lead!”

With that, the princess hopped up to hit a Bro Attack block, then selected the Green Shell, which materialized into her possession. Putting the shell down, she immediately kicked it at the host, getting him in the legs before it bounced off in Spike’s direction. Out of instinct he kicked the shell back at the host, who took the hit once more before it returned to Luna, who repeated the pattern. This kick-around went on for some seconds until the shell finally cracked into nothingness, having scored some decent damage on the wily bespectacled rogue, who only appeared mildly inconvenienced from having a hard-ass turtle shell slammed repeatedly into his shins.

“Make your move, Spike!” Luna implored her partner, who looked increasingly fretful and confused.

“I-I don’t know what’s going on here!”

“Don’t get cold hooves; this is just first boss material.”

“Actually, this maybe be a little much for him, so I’ll just see us out.”

Having said that, the host digged into his pockets and pulled out a thick bundle of cardboard, which quickly unfolded and enlarged into a massive yellow and red papercraft hammer that he took hold of and slammed down onto the battle zone, causing everything to erupt in a shower of colorful construction paper. —>

Another screen flash reset the music to its previous track while also placing Luna in the middle of a barren desert scene. From the right shot in a spin-kicking Ryu overhead, and from the left came another such Ryu closer to the ground, and then several more spinning in from left, right, up and down.

Miraculously Luna dodged them all, yet from the sands to either side of her, rows of spikes launched up only to flip around and yell out some intense energy beams. Yes, I said “yell out”. It’s a very weird thing to happen, sure, but damned if I don’t love its silliness. Anyway, after a few seconds the lasers ceased and the spikes shot after the hapless princess, who smartly took one step to the left to completely avoid them.

From the upper corners of the screen came four very large fruits of different colors, lazily bouncing around and dropping off smaller fruits in various ways, either as clusters, arc shots or homing attacks. This somewhat less hectic of a dodge session was brutally disrupted by the ear-blasting appearance of a massive hideous stock image spider that tore through the fruits with a max volume roar. As it shot across the screen, a large playing card dropped from top center and sliced the screeching arachnid in two, bringing with it a shower of smaller playing cards and some classy lounge music. After a few seconds it spun wildly, dispelling the other cards before righting itself and falling to the ground, whereupon it shrunk and morphed itself into, you guessed it, that nutjob.

Even nuttier this time around, for he got hold of a black and white laced lolita outfit. Given that his puffy hat still couldn’t cover his profound baldness, Luna would’ve been mortified if she wasn’t so incredibly fatigued.

“You’ve got pretty good swagger going there, girl,” he said with that ever-deranged grin. “But let’s move on to the climax.”

Throwing out his arms, the screen swirled and turned into a whitened field, with black gears dotting the background. He rose to the middle of the screen in that stance, just as several black and white fruits emerged and formed a spinning dichromatic flower pattern accompanied by a rising gothic duet that sung forth the words of Luna’s potential downfall. (You can probably guess what one of my favorite fangames is :P)

AAAAAAAA!

Sekai ni, shirushi, itsuwari fushite mo

AAAAAAAA!

Hakai no tsu, mishiro, zuminagara ni kakikieru

MOOOtometa no wa enCHOOOOsen de wa nai

KAAAko mirai genzai tsuru, naku, reeei-OO

After the break in the fruity barrage and the chorus, the dainty-dressed madman dropped from his lofty spot, only to switch to a lying position just as a massive red and white box with a sun seal arose from below to catch him perfectly. A flap opened on the side of the box, and from it spewed forth large flecks of deadly oats toward the bewildered night mare. Luna dodged the fibrous death-bringers, until a golden hedgehog inexplicably launched out from the flap and veered toward her like a comet. She narrowly hopped over the rodent, then quickly moved to the left to avoid the massive death beam that the box BWAAAH-ed out at her. A massive 8-bit Mario fell in to dismiss the killer box, firing off his catchphrase as well as a ring of fireballs. With him gone, the crossdressing psycho reappeared in a flying machine, zipping overhead and dropping bombs like a Minderbinder (Catch-22 reference for the win!).

“It’s Basher Time!”

The lolita man reappeared at the far right of the screen, only enlarged to the point of taking up the whole screen space and slowly sliding to the left with deranged eyes and an even more deranged grin. Luna panicked and fled to the left, but found no exit. In desperation she fired her pistol endlessly into the approaching behemoth, yelling as an endless stream of bullets poured into the oncoming giant gothic shoe. As his foot got within inches of Luna, the bullet stream finally took him down. Instantaneously he shrunk to normal size, and in slow-motion he was hurled backwards and tumbled over the ground with a poorly-voiced death cry.

The moment he laid prone on his back, the music cut off and the screened dimmed considerably. After taking a moment to catch her breath, Luna trotted over to the fallen host and looked down at him. Pixelated streaks of red stained his frilly dress, but he still kept that crazed grin as he looked up to her.

“Heh, nicely done, princess,” he said breathlessly, coughing up a gout of pixel blood. “Nerves and focus steeled enough to survive such adversity. It’s comforting knowing that I was wrong in doubting you, -Kuh- -Kluh- -Hack-!”

“Most of that was purely random,” Luna said firmly. “What kind of enjoyable gaming experience is there if you just throw out nonsense that relies on pure luck? It’s just stupid.”

“Oh, oh no, you haven’t seen stupid quite yet, -Cwuff- -Kak-! I spared you the utter worse this fandom has to offer: Brute of a Man, Lovetrap, Platinum, freakin’ Happil 2. -Quok-! There are far more absurd games, both in content and difficulty; at the very least, the ones I chose to showcase are… fun, to the moderately skilled.”

“Hmph. I just don’t see why it was any concern of yours to get me wrapped up in this. Every gamer is entitled to their own tastes, although a good number of them can be obnoxious about their gamer ‘cred’. You, for example.”

“Heh, touche. But, in all honesty, I have no deep ill-will toward you. I mainly did this for the thrill of conflict. A chance to go crazy with one of my most cherished games. At the very least, I got to be a video game boss, if only on paper, so to speak. -Quay- -Quo- -Klack- -Hurk- -Gaaach-!”

Several red pixels shot up from the man’s overly dramatic coughs, slapping Luna lightly on the face and muzzle. This amused her not in the slightest, but the man just chuckled over his nearing demise, his words coming slower and quieter.

“And like any boss, I must fall for there to be a happy ending. Call it defeatist thinking, heheh, but it is a role that I’d willingly play for the sake of an unforgettable gaming experience. I’m not really the menacing type, you see. Though I may act villainous, and enjoy doing so, I can be quite understanding. Yes. A most reasonable, merciful antagonist… OR AM I?”

After surviving the harrowing RNG Hell that was the host’s final, spiteful attack (unless you chose not to watch the video, in which case that phrase would have been pointless and I’d be incredibly dumb for writing that), the screen faded to black, leaving Luna alone as a box rose up from the lower left corner, announcing an achievement unlocked.

---

Gatekeeper

Defeated the Fanatical Scrub. Ready for the real challenge?

---

“Ha, how do you like that?” she asked bitterly at nothingness. “Once again I take your BS challenge and dominate the living Tartarus out of it. I’m not some pampered princess, some plain casual. I am Luna, Princess of Night and the greatest damn gamer in all Equestria! And there’s nothing that can overthrow the Goddess of P—What did that achievement say again!?”

The realization came a little too late, as a crack appeared in the center of the screen followed by a massive wooden groan. Luna looked to the background to find the colossal blackness part ways to reveal a towering entourage of beings and deities that radiated prominence beyond all imagining. The princess actually found herself quivering before these grand beings, who looked down at her with passive eyes, judging her, weighing her up. In her soul, she knew these frightening beings were pillars of gaming, masters of their genre. Sadly, it was a genre that she had barely survived only moments before.

“I hope you’re up for a bucket of terminal AIDS,” spoke the grouchy entity known as Paragus.

"Time for a merry trip through the cornfield," announced the shaggy-haired Stonk.

“You can do eet!” chimed in the pasty-skinned German called Zurai.

All of them, standing row upon row of each other, Sword Slingers and great Cosmic Sense. The most skilled of Wanna Be gamers, and above them the Gamemakers: gods among giants. And towering over all was the most infamous, the most skilled, the single-greatest fan gamer in all creation. His pronounced purple hair and bored expression alone could make reality itself tremble, and it was He who oversaw this latest challenger to him and his awe-inducing peers.

It was then Luna knew: in order to escape that spiral of pain and misery, to topple the undue suffering of hundreds of gamers and bring peace to both them and herself, she had to defeat the overseer of the Wanna Bes. She had to end the reign of the unconquered colossus.

She had to Kill the Kamilia.

...Or simply turn off the game, which is precisely what Luna did.

“Well, that was incredibly unpleasant,” she said tiredly to a concerned Derpy.

“I’m sorry, Luna. I thought it could’ve been a fun break for you from all the fighting games. Guess I was wrong…”

The moon goddess placed a gentle hoof atop Derpy’s unkempt mane. “It’s alright. You only meant well. You always do.” She ruffled up the mane, causing the pegasus to nuzzle and mew under such affectionate attention (Ach, my pancreas!). “Want to take turns playing Shovel Knight?”

“Do I!”

With a yip and a skip, Derpy led the way to the royal Wii-U with Luna in tow, leaving behind the day’s needless frustrations and drama. Once they left that darkened room, the laptop hummed silently for some seconds, before a lone screen appeared that read “Thank You For Playing!” Afterward, the machine shut down of its own accord, and all was still.

*In the twelve years since I Wanna Be The Guy’s release, over 5000 fangames of varying quality and length have been made.

*Kayin, the creator of I Wanna Be The Guy, has only made Act 1 of a sequel, but otherwise is focused on making a game called Brave Earth: Prologue.

*To this day, the Kamilia still Lives. IS NO MORE

FANGAMES FEATURED

I Wanna Be The Fangame
I Wannayaaaaaaa!
I Wanna FAT BIRDS
I Wanna Bread
I Wanna Be The Greeeeen!
I Wanna Be The Best Guy
I Wanna Take the Time Machine
I Wanna Be The Rukimin
I Wanna Be Assaulted
I Wanna Escape The Mysterious House
I Wanna Rose Gear
I Wanna Be The Boshy

Comments

[Themaskedferret]

Bizarre fun, bravo.