"I almost died. I didn't though. I got turned into a mare. It hurt a lot but I didn't die. Thats a lot better than what most people who get a shard of metal through their spine can say."
It's a sort of decent story so far. I really like the imagery. (And I am all about imagery.) It feels a bit heavy on morals at this point, though I can sympathize with his moral struggles too. It's normal for that time of life to be overly absorbed in ethics and obligations, at least until it all comes crashing down on you in your 20's or so. I think it was a bit awkward that he got pulled into horseland right after what would have been a fatal car crash, with no indication he was going there beforehand. It's like... ponytopia is where his soul went after he died, except he didn't die, so then why did he go to horseplace? Needs some kind of gimmick like a flash of light or the planets aligning or something. I keep imagining his mom sitting there openly weeping at her dying son in the upside down car, when a hoof taps her shoulder and Luna announces "STEP BACK HUMAN CREATURE WE HAVE COME TO DISMANTLE YOUR AUTOMATIC CARRIAGE SO THAT THE BEING WITHIN MAY RECEIVE OUR SUCCOR"
OK. So. I read this offline. I made it most of the way through chapter 2 before the urge to throttle someone and an overal distaste made me stop. I debated posting exactly what irked me, but this post would be far too long if I did so. So, I'll snip to the constructive criticism.
* If you want your character to come across as philosophical, then have it come up naturally in conversation, IF it would. If this trait would not show up through their actions or interactions, then it is not an important character trait. * Avoid putting your OC / self insert / favorite pony on a pedestal by others in the story. An occasional compliment is fine when something is done to warrant it, but generally you will want to treat their traits as self evident. Demonstrate them over the course of the story, don't have others just talk about them. * Treat each and every named character in your story as if they could have their own story written about them. Everyone is the center of their own story, and they have their own moods, opinions, beliefs, and preferences. Failing to express this depth to at least some extent creates the impression of a flat story revolving around Awesome McCooldude(s). * If you need something to happen to make your story take place, but aren't entirely sure how to write it believably or smoothly, try doing a little research. Read similar works, take notes on how others do what you're trying to do, and adapt it to fit. A quick google never hurts either. If all else fails, do it offscreen and discuss it in less detail later. * Create the world(s) and the basic rules that govern them first, then fill it with life, THEN find (or make) a story to follow during the narrative. I give this piece of advice to just about everyone. If you make a world and do it right, all you have to do is pick someone and a story will nearly write itself. You don't need to do so in major detail, just enough to understand it. * Self inserts are... difficult to do and still be entertainig to the reader if they aren't similar enough to you to follow along. Wish fulfillment is easier since you can create whatever character you want and just let things flow. Self insert wish fulfillments are very difficult to write 'correctly' in that others would be willing to not only read it, but share it with friends. Consider doing one or the other. As a rule of thumb, the reader wouldn't be entirely sure of if the writer made the character up from scratch or not. * Do not attempt to write what you don't know in detail without researching it, or giving it some real thought and reasoning. You will get people like me that will call you on it, and be very disatisfied with the whole thing. If you don't understand medicine, don't write the specifics. Just like if you aren't familiar with weather phenomenon, you probably shouldn't try to write the specifics for weather work. Try instead of describing WHAT Ryan is dying of, you leave it to the reader's imagination like so:
"Your condition is... honestly somewhat horrifying. It is a miracle in itself that we're having this conversation. You've lost a lot of blood from a distressing number of cuts and shrapnel. It's very touch and go, and no matter what we do it seems like you aren't stabilizing, we just don't understand how your body works well enough. The way things are going, you'll live perhaps a week under our care, and we aren't sure if you'll wake up during that time. Even if you do, we... don't think you'll ever walk again, and it's very likely you'll lose your leg, given the discoloration and the... disturbing shape."
This works for a lot of things, in fact (Monsters especially). Nothing you describe will be quite as unsettling as what someone comes up with on their own, given something to build around. Half the reason for that is because of the uncertainty. People are instinctively wary of the unknown.
Also, one part of the cut rant I will post: Look... Nobody really cares about the exposition of self insert #4,981. If you can't come up with a feasible way for the story you want to get started, then don't. Skip it, start the story where you want, and later you can dedicate a paragraph or two of expository text. You don't need chapters, you don't need a prequel story full of nothing but setup, and anyone who feels the need to go on like this in an actual conversation is so self-important that their existence should collapse in on itself under the mass of their own ego, or has an edietic memory and is being questioned in a mental institution because no one else is going to care enough to hear the whole thing.
I have to say, i relate to Ryan, in a way. Most of what i know comes from books, videos, video games especially. Get to know me enough and you might find that there's not much more to me. So i kinda know how he feels.
4676491 I'm glad you can relate, for my my first story it's very flattering for someone to feel so close to my character. Thanks!
awesome chapters you are doing a amaz
4679158 Thanks Brah, that means a lot.
Well, i hope you're proud of yourself. You made Luna sad!
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8869-luna_disappointed.png
It's a sort of decent story so far. I really like the imagery. (And I am all about imagery.) It feels a bit heavy on morals at this point, though I can sympathize with his moral struggles too. It's normal for that time of life to be overly absorbed in ethics and obligations, at least until it all comes crashing down on you in your 20's or so. I think it was a bit awkward that he got pulled into horseland right after what would have been a fatal car crash, with no indication he was going there beforehand. It's like... ponytopia is where his soul went after he died, except he didn't die, so then why did he go to horseplace? Needs some kind of gimmick like a flash of light or the planets aligning or something. I keep imagining his mom sitting there openly weeping at her dying son in the upside down car, when a hoof taps her shoulder and Luna announces "STEP BACK HUMAN CREATURE WE HAVE COME TO DISMANTLE YOUR AUTOMATIC CARRIAGE SO THAT THE BEING WITHIN MAY RECEIVE OUR SUCCOR"
And... now I'm going to finish reading chapter 2.
"...Sooo what now?"
I believe you meant to "they're just the royalty" I noticed a few other minor mistakes, but this was the most glaring.
Still enjoying the story, best I can.
I believe you meant to say "it is quite plain to see"
I'm still here trying to enjoy the story, and maybe improve my "grammatical error tolerance"
The appetizer effect is when stimuli that precede a meal make you hungry.
Honestly? It took me all of a minute to dislike his bold italicized negativity. Other than that, good story
OK. So. I read this offline. I made it most of the way through chapter 2 before the urge to throttle someone and an overal distaste made me stop. I debated posting exactly what irked me, but this post would be far too long if I did so. So, I'll snip to the constructive criticism.
* If you want your character to come across as philosophical, then have it come up naturally in conversation, IF it would. If this trait would not show up through their actions or interactions, then it is not an important character trait.
* Avoid putting your OC / self insert / favorite pony on a pedestal by others in the story. An occasional compliment is fine when something is done to warrant it, but generally you will want to treat their traits as self evident. Demonstrate them over the course of the story, don't have others just talk about them.
* Treat each and every named character in your story as if they could have their own story written about them. Everyone is the center of their own story, and they have their own moods, opinions, beliefs, and preferences. Failing to express this depth to at least some extent creates the impression of a flat story revolving around Awesome McCooldude(s).
* If you need something to happen to make your story take place, but aren't entirely sure how to write it believably or smoothly, try doing a little research. Read similar works, take notes on how others do what you're trying to do, and adapt it to fit. A quick google never hurts either. If all else fails, do it offscreen and discuss it in less detail later.
* Create the world(s) and the basic rules that govern them first, then fill it with life, THEN find (or make) a story to follow during the narrative. I give this piece of advice to just about everyone. If you make a world and do it right, all you have to do is pick someone and a story will nearly write itself. You don't need to do so in major detail, just enough to understand it.
* Self inserts are... difficult to do and still be entertainig to the reader if they aren't similar enough to you to follow along. Wish fulfillment is easier since you can create whatever character you want and just let things flow. Self insert wish fulfillments are very difficult to write 'correctly' in that others would be willing to not only read it, but share it with friends. Consider doing one or the other. As a rule of thumb, the reader wouldn't be entirely sure of if the writer made the character up from scratch or not.
* Do not attempt to write what you don't know in detail without researching it, or giving it some real thought and reasoning. You will get people like me that will call you on it, and be very disatisfied with the whole thing. If you don't understand medicine, don't write the specifics. Just like if you aren't familiar with weather phenomenon, you probably shouldn't try to write the specifics for weather work. Try instead of describing WHAT Ryan is dying of, you leave it to the reader's imagination like so:
This works for a lot of things, in fact (Monsters especially). Nothing you describe will be quite as unsettling as what someone comes up with on their own, given something to build around. Half the reason for that is because of the uncertainty. People are instinctively wary of the unknown.
Also, one part of the cut rant I will post:
Look... Nobody really cares about the exposition of self insert #4,981. If you can't come up with a feasible way for the story you want to get started, then don't. Skip it, start the story where you want, and later you can dedicate a paragraph or two of expository text. You don't need chapters, you don't need a prequel story full of nothing but setup, and anyone who feels the need to go on like this in an actual conversation is so self-important that their existence should collapse in on itself under the mass of their own ego, or has an edietic memory and is being questioned in a mental institution because no one else is going to care enough to hear the whole thing.
To quote Greg the grim reaper,
"Oh, you're dead. Just... not quite."
I have to say, i relate to Ryan, in a way. Most of what i know comes from books, videos, video games especially. Get to know me enough and you might find that there's not much more to me. So i kinda know how he feels.