- Member Since 20th Apr, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 27th, 2023
The SideKick
I do stuff that might fall under your purview of "Good Writing". Perhaps you would dain my work as the opposite. Either way it's here and you may look upon it and draw your conclusions thusly.
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The main character is me in every way. That all I got to say before I start making up more word play.
4676491 I'm glad you can relate, for my my first story it's very flattering for someone to feel so close to my character. Thanks!
awesome chapters you are doing a amaz
4679158 Thanks Brah, that means a lot.
I'm sorry but every time I start to get into the story I run across a missing word, or the wrong word or something spelled wrong.
I like the premise of the story and I most certainly have nothing against HIE stories but please get a prereader, there are several on this site who would be willing to help. Below are just some of what I’ve spotted. There are others in the first two chapters also. I think that a lot of it is just too much trust in spell check. Good luck, I'll be back later for another shot at this.
by it self ( by its self
you.I ( missing space )
to there duties ( their )
will just [ ] me and you (be)
Your in the ( you’re )
species then ponies (than)
bit to get though (through)
out any cloths (clothes )
that don't wearing anything (wear)
and he thoughts became (his)
4679998 I thought as much might happen. I appreciate your honesty and I'll do my best to clean up. Thank very much for pointing this out to me.
4680122 I know, someone else has already pointed it and others out to me. I still appreciate the constructive criticism.
4680213 It's fine, it just makes me glad that you cared enough to try and help. So thank you!
One not pointed out: 'brought you to ares' should be ours.
4682249 Thank you for catching that.
Hm.
This needs editing.
A proof-reading, yes.
A complete one, at that.
I could do the job, if asked nicely.
-Zeph
Yes, this needs a LOT of help, both in grammar and story-driving.
I mean, seriously. The characters are OOC, the happenings are rushed, the whole thing is generally hard to read.
Don't take it wrong, I'm not meaning offense, this is hardly a constructive criticism.
I suggest complete rewriting.
Not a bad story, but you really need to check better for errors, or try to get someone to proofread the chapters if you can.
I don't get why this story has so many negative votes...
4845439 Thanks, I try my best on my own. I can't get anyone to proofread it right now but I am trying my best to re-read each chapter as many times as I can before publishing them. As for the down votes it's likely they think the story is to rushed. I think it may be as well but I can only do so much editing before I move on to a new chapter. For now all I can do is write the best I can and improve with practice. Again thanks for the read and vote of confidence.
Are the parentheses supposed to be thoughts?
4861716 yes they are, I would have used italics but I plan to use them for something else later.
4866694
okay
Sorry for not responding till now
4874171 All's cool. Just hope you enjoying the story so far.
4875160
Ill say if I spot any more screw-ups
4875703 Screw-ups?
4875767
Spelling errors, grammer screw-up, ect.
I never understand that reaction...
He made the rational choice, become a pony or die and was OK with being a pony. But being female is a problem?
He's fine giving up his species but rather die than become female. I've seen that in may fics and it's stupid every time.
4881799 Its more out of shock then anything. He was able to prepare himself for being a pony, but he nor anyone else had a clue he would become a girl. In the next chapter you'll see that he learns to cope pretty fast. Plus imagine going g in for a kidney transplant and getting sexchange you wernt told about. I hope your enjoying the story otherwise.
4884501
It's more like I would go through an procedure that will most likely kill me and if it works turn me into a dog. If I wake up after that one I would be glad that I am still alive and not give a shit about my gender at all.
You spend pretty much an whole chapter on the fact that it is incredibly risky and he will probably die but instead of being glad that he survives he freaks out because he change gender.
That's not to say I don't like the story. I'm a big fan of gender bender and there far too few here but this one is a sticking point for me. Freaking out is okay when the gender swap happened under more common situations, like Ranma falling into a spring. After an change in species where everyone expected you to die? Not so much.
In the end I just skimmed through the freakout anyway so maybe I shouldn't complain so much...
4884628 While I suggest you read that part your fine. While I personly want to write the story on my own I still like reading peoples comments and improving my work. I think it works as it is but its my opion and could be worng. I just want the story to make people happy. If your enjoying it otherwise then I think its good. but still, thank you for reading!
Soo, this story seems interesting, and even more so that the guy was transformed (relatively)immediately(upon arrival)
I must say, i noticed quite a few grammar issues(and i am, by no means, the god of grammar myself) , BUT they did not realy destract me from the story.
Hehe, the run to the reception was fun, i wonder what shenanigans will ensue next. Untill then, good luck^^
4895952 Just wait till the next chapter, thats where things really start to pick up.
Well, i hope you're proud of yourself. You made Luna sad!
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8869-luna_disappointed.png
Oh, Trollestia, never ever change!
Incidentally,
Internet rule 14: don't argue with trolls. It means that they win.
4917503 Glad your liking the story so far, and trust me if I can help it I will have more trollestia. Be prepared for it for she will rain down upon ye with a trolling like none you have had. Thanks for reading!
im a bit curious about the diamond on her head,dose it hold any significance like she wil be able to use something similar to unicorn magic or will she have some kind of special ability?
4945127 Nope. I just think it looks good is all. She still has the magic of fiendship though.
4945703 darn was gonna say it would be fun if she could do something cool like slightly shape-shift or something like switch between full pony form and number 3 on the anthro/huminization charts not quite fully anthro but not quite pony if you get what i mean hears an example lol static1.e621.net/data/sample/5a/7f/5a7fce0ed1067bc422efac32a7552cd9.jpg
Umm...can you think of an actor that we can compare Ryan's voice to? Or tell us what she sounds like? The closest thing I can think of that sounds like what you described would be RD or
4993369 Imagine the lowest octive you could go before fluttershy starts sounding like flutterguy and there ya go!
4993800 hmm,
that sounds funny! A really husky voice that is just an octave from a guys voice on a girl! Priceless!
It was already funny when it was flutterguy, but if Ryan walks into Poison Joke, will it make her sound like a helpless little girl or even girlier than she is?
4993850 Cuz she dosent talk much it would give her a big mouth probaly, but I havent had much time to think on it.
4993895
You kept using 'quit', when you hould have been using 'quite'
5042233 I noticed that too, but I didnt have time to change it. Im gonna fix it and some other mistakes when I can get on a computer.
share not shard
you meant to write bat-pone or bat-pony/ponies?
5073444 Nope, bat-pon. It's just how Art Craft spelled it in her head, but I understand the confusion. Thanks for catching that other one though!
5073671
Now this looks interesting! Should point out though in your story description though, it should be per se, not per say.
5073806 Thanks for pointing that out, and double thanks for reading!
This is a good story, but incredibly awkward to read with the abundance of spelling and grammatical errors. I'd offer to edit/proofread, but I don't know how that works on FIMfiction.
It's a sort of decent story so far. I really like the imagery. (And I am all about imagery.) It feels a bit heavy on morals at this point, though I can sympathize with his moral struggles too. It's normal for that time of life to be overly absorbed in ethics and obligations, at least until it all comes crashing down on you in your 20's or so. I think it was a bit awkward that he got pulled into horseland right after what would have been a fatal car crash, with no indication he was going there beforehand. It's like... ponytopia is where his soul went after he died, except he didn't die, so then why did he go to horseplace? Needs some kind of gimmick like a flash of light or the planets aligning or something. I keep imagining his mom sitting there openly weeping at her dying son in the upside down car, when a hoof taps her shoulder and Luna announces "STEP BACK HUMAN CREATURE WE HAVE COME TO DISMANTLE YOUR AUTOMATIC CARRIAGE SO THAT THE BEING WITHIN MAY RECEIVE OUR SUCCOR"
And... now I'm going to finish reading chapter 2.
"...Sooo what now?"
"I remember the moment I first saw you."
"What were you thinking, my love?"
"I'll never be able to play Minecraft again."
5077108 I'm in a postion now where I can't have a proof-reader, but if you really feel like helping then you can kindly point out my mistakes. Trust me when I say that I was a lot worse, but with ponies like you helpfully pointing out problems I'm getting better. So don't be afraid to tell me when I bucked up and thanks for the read!
5077163 I felt that having him be pre-destined to come to Equestria would have under mined his journey of rediscovering himself as a girl, being forced an atachment to some big adventure or likewise. It's all about how fast everything is moving and how she has not had a chance to just sit down for more than a day and REALLY think about whats happend to her and how she'll feel after she does. Even the descrptions, while not directly narrated by her, give some insight to whats shes thinking or feeling. You might notice that not only is her vocabulary changing but so is the descrptions as well. If a moral seems a bit heavy thats becuse thats whats always been most improtant to HIM, but now SHE has not had the time to think about much and so morals, which is what she always thought were the only thing she had going for her, are forgoten in this rush of stuff happening to her and so won't be has heavly used. It's just about her learning and growing and me trying my best to convey that. Hope that helps you to understand what it is I'm trying to do.ml Thanks for readin!