Accidentally in Love

by Bluepony2467

Accidents

" Sometimes I wonder Why I still like these things" Twilight mumbled in her Library.

It was a chilly Saturday night in Winter, and Ponyville was his with a bad Blizzard. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkiepie, and Twilight were snowed in at the library. The six best friends decided to have a sleepover until The snow died down the next day

" What did you say Twi," Pinkiepie questioned, " I thought Rarity gave you a Dare, I mean, You did pick Dare".

" Okay Pinkiepie, but only because I can't get out of it, What was the dare again Rarity"

The White unicorn smirked. She had a good Idea for a dare that would engage in a few laughs. " I said you have to do 3 random spells on yourself. And before you do, please do give us a shield, Just in case" Rarity said with a smile. The other mares giggled and chuckled as Twilight's eyes widen in fear. " Okay, Okay girls here is your shield", The lavender unicorn said casting a spell to give them a force field that would only last a few minutes.

" Ok, lets begin", She said as her horn lit up. The mare soon had four heads. The 5 other mares laughed and giggled. " Wow, She must of used that Quadruple spell I made over heard her talking about at Sugar Cube Corner" Fluttershy said in between her giggles. Twilight's horn lit up her the same purple once more. In a few seconds, Her heads where reduced to one and horns grew on her head and her oat changed to a dark brown.

The mares continued laughing and giggling only louder. Twilight gave a small grunt and changed back quickly, blushing for a quick few seconds. For the final spell, The unicorn's aura on her horn increased 3 times bigger than her other spells. The 5 friends stopped their laughing and watched her friend preform her last trick. All of them had a feeling that whatever the spell was, It woulds be funnier than the other two.

It casted out and bounced around the room Twilight ducked hoping it didn't hit her. The other mares watched the spell bounce around causing the books to fall down. The spell traveled up stairs and the 6 mares calmed down now the the spell was gone. A purple dragon ran down stairs and jumped over the lavender mare and ducked down too.

Soon the spelled bounced back down stairs. Twilight got up and threw Spike on her back and raced to the force field dodging the spell as it came close to the duo. They made it to the force field, and the Unicorn one last spell to enlarge it to cover All of them. The spell soon came Their way, and The mare Pushed the Dragon off of her back and braced for impact.

The spell sent a fog around the room. The force field broke just then and the mares raced out to find their friend ." Split up, We can find her faster", a southern accent was heard in the fog. The Girls broke their circle and wondered around looking for the lavender mare. A cyan mare found a pony laying on the ground very still, and walked up on her.

The fog started to clear up and she saw the unicorn's hair was changed. " Hey, guys. I found Twilight," Rainbow Dash said as the other mares followed up to her.

" Is she ok?" Fluttershy asked in a worried tone.

" She sure doesn't look fine sugar cube", Applejack said staring at the mare.

" Well, I'll go call Nurse Red Heart and see is she can come over" Rarity said troting over to the phone.

A half an hour later, Nurse Red Heart Burst through the library door. The nurse was wearing a blue coat, a white hat, and a bag with medical equipment. " Thank you for coming, especially in the blizzard", Rarity said. The Other white mare smiled, " Well I love helping ponies. Now go upstairs while I work, I can't be disturbed".

The five mares got upstairs quickly while the nurse began her work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upstairs the group instantly fell asleep after the first 20 minutes. It took an hour until the nurse was done and trotted upstairs to bring them down to see their friend. Rainbow Dash woke up first when she heard the trotting. She entered the room to seeing Rainbow Dash trying to wake up the rest of the girls. Within five minutes, they were walking down the steps. " Okay, your friend is just suffering from a bit of memory lose. He just doesn't remember a few small things, like his age, and a few of the things he used to like." The nurse said.

" Well, you know Twilight is a she, not a he" Pinkiepie said

" No, I'm sure he is a colt. I... Checked" Nurse Red Heart said blushing.

Their eyes widened as they pushed passed the nurse to see if it was true. " Ah.. Just make sure he.. Oh she.. Gets plenty of rest. And.. I'll let myself out" she said getting up to leave.

They finally came to the so called colt, " Um, Twi", Applejack started, " You ok, We heard ya were a guy" she said in a thick southern accent.

" Yeah AJ, the spell only changed my hair and voice, crazy, right?" The unicorn said getting up from under the covers. The group gasped, seeing her complexion changed. Fluttershy fell the ground and fainted. " Uh, I'm sure she'll be ok" Rarity said turning back to the colt. " What's wrong, other than Fluttershy fainting." He asked puzzled.

" T-Twilight, you a C-C-Colt", Rainbow Dash stuttered.

The colt gasped, " I-I, I can't be, I'm not" he said racing over the the mirror. The unicorn looked at his face and hair. He did look like a colt. Pinkie pie bounced to the Colt.

" Well, If your a colt,Twilight won't be a good name, How about Dusk Shine" Pinkie suggested with a grin

Twilight ( or the new named colt Dusk Shine ) looked at the pink mare and sighed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A light pink mare appeared from the shadows to see a smaller blue mare sitting in front of the window staring into the night.

" Sister, I know we can't keep her in the castle because of our royal duties, but are you sure you want to give her up to an adoption center?" The pink mare

The dark blue mare sighed, " No, can we give her to someone, a friend, or can we hold a contest?", she pleaded to her big sister.

" Well, We always have Twilight, she can keep her" the other mare said. " ok then, We will ask her tomorrow with her. Tell her that where going to ponyville" she said.(The blue mare smiled and hugged her sister with joy, then she raced out of the room.The pink sister was left to watch the night with a smile

Author's Note:

First chapter done! Sorry it's short, the next one will be longer :)

And I'm sorry my story is the worst thing you've ever read, I probably won't finish it, sorry..

And please stop with the hateful comments, This is my first time.

Comments

[007Delta]

This... This needs improvement,

[Gleaming]

A nice attempt on the first chapter, but there is always room for improvement.

[Bluepony2467]

4656862

Sorry It kind of sucks, I'm kinda young and still learning

[Sgt GobSmacker]

Woah, woah. Hold on. How can Nurse Redheart barge into the library if it was snowed in? The phone lines wouldn't be able to work in blizzard for that matter...or... unless...

MAGIC!

[pendrake72]

4657358 ...

This comment bears no malice to you personally, so keep that in mind while reading this. I am honestly not trying to troll you or put you down.

I will be forthright and say, I did not read your fan-fiction. Just the Story Summary alone prevents me from doing so.

If you really wanted to use a teenage Dusk Shine, then just use a teenage Dusk Shine and put the AU story tag up. Trying to wrangle Twilight Sparkle into a gender-swap AND age-regression AND identity change pushes way past the line for reader believability.

Add to this, an OC of "Luna's long lost daughter", and you are seeing the dust trails of potential readers riding off.

Fan-fiction writing is balance between expressing your Creativity and having enough Source Accuracy to be believable, to draw in potential readers.

Try this for a story premise...

Set [XX] years in the future, Twilight Sparkle's teenage son, Dusk Shine, does a favor for both his mother and "aunt" Princess Luna in helping to care for the Moon Princess' adolescent daughter. Little does Dusk know that he is embarking on a trial of character that will test his patience, his skills, his courage...and his heart.

See the difference? Same characters, similar premise, no radical changes to canon continuity.

[007Delta]

4657358

Good attitude.

For one, you are capitalizing a lot of unnecessary things, such as dragon and pony. These do not necessarily need to be capitalized, much in the way human or fox wouldn't. Secondly, don't put a space in between quotation marks.

" This does not look right, "
"This does,"

Also, I'm sure you've heard of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. You don't have to say, "the sky blue Pegasus" or "the orange earth pony," you can say their name much more than you currently are and still not sound repetitive.

Also, on a less objective note... Try to avoid Alicorn OC's for the most part, unless you really, really know what you're doing plot-wise. Many people will have an adverse reaction to seeing an Alicorn OC, and probably accounts for 50%-60% of your down votes.

Don't want to impede on your creativity and say "don't write about Alicorn OC's," but take into consideration how people will react to one, especially in such a common situation as a sleepover.

Also, Pinkie Pie, not Pinkiepie.

I'll be more than happy to help you with your writing if you would like, just PM me and I will be able to walk you through this in much more detail.

[Ohmygerdmylittlepony]

I'm not that much of a writer myself. I can't say anything because my writing is almost like yours. It doesn't suck actually. You have a really great plot line. Just have someone edit your story. Your story felt a little fast-paced. Put detail into it. When I read it, I felt like you rushed this get this story done. Take your time.

[Pirate Jesus]

4657448
Now that shit I would read.

[spiritoffire3]

This story made me want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.

[smartsarcasticlunatic]

This story escalated quickly but with more detail could actually be really good. Take your time and pace your story.

[Bluepony2467]

4657466

Well, I know I made a lot of mistakes I am kind of new to the to the Brony community.

And, If you could help me, that would be very appreciated.

[pendrake72]

4658614...

Actually responding to Commander Fowler's comment, but seeing yours, I can offer another bit of assistance/advice.

Find an Editor &/or Proofreader(s) to help with your writing. Always remember: You can have the greatest story-premise in the world, but if your Technical Writing (spelling, grammar, format, etc.) is poor, then your fan-fiction is dead before done being read.

For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group

As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

4657694...

Thanks for the vote of Creativity confidence . I came up with the suggested alternate story premise for Bluepony2467 right off the top of my head whilst typing the previous comment.

[Pirate Jesus]

4658741
Totally. Not to oversell the idea, but if he doesn't go that route, you should write that, because it is rare for me to actually get excited over idea. That one actually grabbed my attention a bit.

[Magnum16729]

I liked it