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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's been a long ass time since I've done this in comments, but good job on the chapter man. I wanted to slap the waiter more times than I wanted to count ;D
I don't know if I have ever cried more for RD than I had in this chapter. at the first the tears of pain, and then the tears of joy at the end. OMG the FEELS
4598129 and when she tried to keep it together when remembering Dayspring
4598454
OMG I know, truly heartbreaking.
4598516 and then LMFAO from the destructive wingboner
4598927
That was freaking epic.
Also was LMAO when Twi was chewing RD out for being angry at Aurora for getting knocked up
4599715 yeah, then later followed by the moment when twi subconsciously remembers her kids
4599715 If only there was some way I could have had Twilight send her to her room
4599745
OMG, that woulda been EPIC
4599745
and a nice flashback to the first book.
Or was that in the second one. been a while, needa reread em again.
4599820 both actually the tunnel of love was the first
the "why are you sorry" came from the second
i can see the whole 'not telling twilight anything' is seriously going to fuck up everyponies future.
4600648
there is a box marked 'later'
4600719 noticed that. can't wait to see how this all falls apart for everyone. keep up the good work, my man!
4598927
Got that idea from a fic I read were Twi gets a wing-boner. thought 'wow, Rainbow's would kill someone' lol
I cannot express just how beautiful and amazing this chapter was. I cried for part of it, while during other parts I had to take a short break so that I could breath again after laughing. Well done. If I had been in that restuarant, Dash's or Twi's place, I would have probably been annoyed enough to throw something at that damnable waiter, and then would have apologized over and over because it wasn't his fault that he just so happened to walk in at that exact moment in time. Again though, amazing story, keep up the amazing, awesome work!
4602153
Thank you!
IMHO That chapter turned out amazing
Even if it was a pain in the flank to find French vegetation meals...
4604507 I hope you can enjoy it anyway.
I wasn't sure if you wanted to keep going... I'll make sure you get a chance to look over the next chapter before posting.
Thanks for your help!
Is that Twilight? If so, switch their places. It works better for the cry to come before the actual action, especially when she starts talking against right after.
but, really, Rainbow? That's your opener?
(and DAMMIT, FIMIFICTION/MY CTRL KEY, STOP DOING THAT!)
to
Period instead of a colon.
Period instead of a comma.
Either the semicolon needs to be a comma, or you need a verb on the other side of the semicolon.
But...isn't rubbing a pregnant lady's tummy supposed to be for good luck and be relaxing?
WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THIS FROM MEEEE??!
Still can't think, can you, Dashie?
What, now dance? You're missing out on the maximum Twilight adorkableness!
Naturally not. Luna is a mare of PASSION! WE HAVE NO NEED FOR THY TRIVIALTIES!
"Twilight, why don't you come by around nine, and Rainbow can swing by around eleven?"
Comma should be a period. It's not a complete sentence, but those kinds of sentences are usually separated to be on their own.
Comma instead of a period.
"It faded perfectly from purple to blue, to green, to yellow, to orange, and finally to red."
Comma instead of a period.
Even spells cast by the strongest unicorn/alicorn mare in Equestria cannot stand up against the monster that is Twilight Sparkle's bed hair!
Worse? Don't you mean "better"?
Stomach growls: The worst perpetrator of mood breaking in the history of stories.
...just so you know, "ew" and "aw" don't have that extra "e" at the end. Unless you're going for it being extra-cutesy or something, which makes no sense with "ew", so...
"She went to pout about it; she tried, anyway, but a hoof"
Comma after "Rainbow
GOD-MOTHER-FUCKING-DAMMIT, SERVINGPONIES!
Comma needs to be before "Rainbow", not after.
Period instead of a comma.
Well, it depends on if it's the right cookie.
She doesn't enjoy being kept from her favorite cookie.
Not if I beat you to him.
Period instead of a comma.
apostrophe needed.
OH, COME ON!
Where's that damn sweetie video?!
FINALLY, A DAMN PROPER KISS!
Twidash, you ass, what took you so long?!
...*sigh* that's finally done with. I don't particularly mind going through and doing proofreading, but damn if it isn't taxing to do this for long chapters. I don't think I could really handle doing chapters with more than 10K words in them.
But still, how dare you make us wait for that kiss! Bad Twidash!
4605033
remember, this came in right after Rainbow told Aurora "You better be getting fat" Twilight had never seen Aurora before, but it was obvious to any pony who looked at her she was with a foal.
Did it not make it that much more sweeter in the end? lol
Changes posted, Thanks!
As far as longer chapters go... Yeah... they're going to be long this time around. But there will be a lot more time between updates.
4605119 Honestly, I'd personally prefer it if you made chapters closer to 4-5k words. I just really don't like the fact that if they're any longer it feels more like a chore than an honest desire to make your fic look as perfect as possible grammar-wise, but that's not your fault.
And I know that, but seriously.
4605317
If you want, I can start to add the next chapters in parts instead of all at once. Whenever I reach the 4-5k word mark I'll put it up here and send you a message.
Just an idea
4612182 No, no, don't do that, especially if it just doesn't work like that in the first place. I'm just complaining for the sake of complaining.
(You really only note these things when you're trying to proof-read things, instead of just being a reader.)
4613846
Ok, I was just trying to think of ways to make it easer for you.
You are one cruel bastard " rainbow, can't you go check on the kids this time " then she doesn't even remember it
I haven't read any farther so don't say anything that could ruin the chapter
4664682
Just wait, this chapter will drive you to tears (happy ones)
You should also laugh your ass off.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! MUST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE EVER SEEN I missed this
Cut the boat in half XD rainbows new weapon, WINGBONER SWORD!!
Coming back to this chapter briefly to list some edits that I was too lazy to comment on.
Suggested edits
There's an apostrophe after your lead quotation marks that you should remove
Stop swapping between them being married and unmarried.
Lost "but"?
through.
4664769 this error will get on my nerves
there fixed
6878154 Edited
I spent the whole time worried about when you were going to do something awful to everypony. Thank you for subverting my expectations with a nice chapter.