Lunestia
Joined 6th Apr, 2012 ·
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but where’s the guarantee?” The studious purple pony prods. Her confidence in the princess is not weakened due to her obedience and trust in her mentor.
^You wrote this. It is not necessarily wrong, but this is a matter of show and tell. By telling the reader about Twilight's unwavering confidence in Celestia you remove the opportunity to infer. A good writer shows the reader what happens without having to define exactly what is going on in their pony heads.
The summery sounds Immensely intriguing I would like to see more written, but this seems to be very rushed. And the ponies don't really seem to be feeling anything, like there just going through the motions.
419165It's a bit more narrative/informative than a normal story. For intended purposes. I see your point and I will likely incorporate that into the future, thank you.
5th paragraph needs to be split where Celestia begins talking again
Celestia saying stupid is something that I have never percieved.
419175I regret to admit that the first bit of this story was indeed rushed. Reason being, I had this thought in my head and I wanted to get it down ASAP. I do plan on editing more of this and the depth has increased in the next chapter which is in progress as we speak.
419193 Great I cant wait.
419191I'm not sure I know what you mean.
Twilight and Celestia are speaking in the same paragraph, separate them please. if thats all right
419251I thought that when someone interjects another that they stay in the same paragraph?
Then think of it as a suggestion
419256
419320I personally don't find it necessary. I make it clear that she is cutting Twilight off. And I don't see where Celestia 'sounds stupid.'
Needs grammer work. Work on the characters as well.
419365The characters are written how I want them to be. And I would appreciate if you pointed out a few grammar mistakes, I'd like to adjust them for the future.
419341 I was only remarking that this is the first anything i have encountered where celestia said the word stupid lol
419449Ah, my apologies I read it wrong.