9) Titan
Ah. Tetra. Land of multiple sentients, all living together in Harmony. In the northern mountains, we have the cities of Griffonia. These cities, as the name may imply, are mostly populated by griffons. They have a rather bloody history compared to most other species, but are proud of what they have accomplished since then. Though they tend to be more aggressive than most, you will be hard pressed to find more loyal friends than they.
Another species on this plane are the Wandering Tribes, who live across the sea on a continent of dry lands. The Wandering Tribes are zebras, and have a long and rich oral history. Many young zebras tend to go on a pilgrimage to neighboring lands in order to gain experience, and hopefully come back one day with knowledge to share.
The crown jewel of Quathern, however, is the land of Equestria. They are home to the most adept of mages, and one of the few civilizations who advocate peace and harmony, and meanerinaith -bzzrt
No. NO. They are NOT the bastion of good. They are horrible monsters who are unable to recognize sentient life when it screams in their face. Little technicolor bastards like stabbing me and vivisecting me at every opportunity, Some even use my peaches as tools utterly unfit any purpose that can be imagined whatsoever.
I’ve had enough. That damn Apple opened my eyes, even as it gave me a false sense of hope trying to crush me. It had magic. If it could cast magic, then what can the tens of thousands of me do? If it was treated as a sentient, what will they do when I gather up my innate power and lay waste to this worthless place? If they refuse to see reason, they will see inordinate amounts of force.
Plink. Plink. Plink
Pinkie slowly sat up in her bed rubbing her eyes. Her ears twitched every time that strange plinking sound echoed through her room. She waited for a moment, and was able to pinpoint it from coming from the window.
Is somepony throwing cupcakes at my window?
Grinning, she snuck quietly across the floor and peeked -
Wait, no, it was just a peach twitching against the window pane.
“Aw, does Mr. Peach want to go for a walk?”
The peach plinked against the glass.
“Okie doki! Don’t stay out too late, you hear?” she lifted the window, holding a hoof to her lips. “Try not to wake up anypony alright?”
The peach wordlessly rolled out the second story window and splattered its juices across the ground. Tendrils of cellulose curled out of the tiny pits of its core and into the ground, greedily drinking in the vitality of a nearby bush and its own spilled flesh. Within minutes, a sprout grew out, reaching a foot in height. Soon after, a flower grew, then a bud, then a new peach. The peach snapped off the branch and rolled down the street, joining a small flood of other peaches as they plowed through walls to get out of their prison.
Cries of dismay went through the streets as confused ponies turned on lights to see what all the commotion was about. Somepony screamed in terror as her fridge smashed against the wall several times before the peach inside was able to bore a hole through the side and out the house.
This wasn’t an isolated incident, as peaches across the country shook with unstoppable fury. Windows shattered as they smashed their bruised, leaky bodies through them. Walls blew out as a bucket’s worth of peaches forced their way out. Trees withered and died as the rolling procession greedily drank their nutrients. Peach processing factories erupted in flames as their machinery was knocked over and torn to shreds, the peaches within not caring for their own “lives.”
Thousands of peach clones, all unwavering in their march north. Their target?
A mass of amorphous peach, swirling around a cannibalized lightning rod. The tip pulsed an angry red-orange in regular intervals, calling its furious brethren towards a non-descript location in the middle of frozen nowhere. As the mass grew in excess of 25 tons, a pair of ominous, heartless light “eyes” shone from within its depths, bathing the general area a harsh orange.
.....revenge.
A warped, gooey mouth ripped over. I. Will. Have. My. “Revenge!”
The giant peach blob snuck through the Everfree, as monsters were wont to do. Plus, it hid its massive orange-red bulk under its heavy shadows very well. This made its first target very simple. His first task was to neutralized the Elements of Harmony. It wasn’t very sure what they could do to them, but it hated Twilight Sparkle, and this would be a quick and dirty way of neutralizing her.
The peach waited until night fell, then made its move. It shoved its body low and slithered through the grass like a massive, ten meter orange slug. It made note of the various nocturnal creatures, and carefully split a chunk off, making it look like a particularly strange slug. The rest of its body gently crept up the edge of the building and hugged it like a wall of jelly.
The infiltrator wandered around the floor of the cottage once it squeezed through the door’s cracks, unsure of the location of its target. A few quick orbits allowed it to find the stairs, which it quickly slithered up. Several wrong doors later, it ended up in the cabin’s main bedroom. The peach grinned internally as the infiltrator opened window a crack. The rest of the peach slowly flooded into the bedroom, completely walling it off from the rest of the world with its body mass.
“Enjoy your last night of dreams, little pony,” it whispered. A needle made of hardened wood smashed through the bottom of her bed and through her brain, quickly consuming it. A claw of peachy matter carefully split her chest open, and tossed out unneeded organs in a pile. Satisfied, a good portion of it took the organs’ place and sealed the cut, leaving behind a scar that would need a magnifying glass to find.
The needle in her skull turned into a peach pit, then a tiny sprout digging its roots into her bones. Fluttershy’s eyes twitched in random directions as the peach figured out which nerves to yank on.
A good thirty minutes later, Fluttershy quietly stepped off the bed, pushed open the window, and flew out into the night.
Rainbow Dash twitched in her sleep. Something small and wet dripped into her cheek. She absently rubbed it off and curled deeper into her bed. Unbeknownst to her, the chunks of orange-ish paste rained at the base of her bed with increasing ferocity ... and then suddenly stopped.
The pegasus’s ears untensed, and she fell back into a deep slumber.
Bits of yellow coated fur slid across the floor, collecting in a pile. The bits clambered around each other, sticking to other pieces like legos. After a moment, a yellow, blank faced pegasus loomed over Rainbow’s sleeping form.
Rainbow and Fluttershy hovered above the clouds. Fluttershy was watching Rainbow gather clumps of clouds, and turning them into small storm clouds. Once she had a good amount of it, she stuck her wings in it, turning them into glowing blades. Her coat and mane puffed up slightly, but she acted as if she didn't notice.
The pair flew into a secluded corner of the Everfree, but avoided touching the ground until Rainbow was sufficiently concentrated to stop the electricity in her wings from grounding. The pair stared at each other for a moment, then chanted, “Losing a friend’s trust is the fastest way to lose a friend -- “
“FOREVER --!”
At the instant Pinkie popped her head out of the bush, the two pegasi put one pair of wings together, and the other pair on Pinkie’s back. A massive flash burst out between the points of contact.
The pair stared coldly at the burnt corpse. “Variables eliminated,” they echoed, sparks of static jumping between their feathers. A blob of ground up peach flesh loomed over behind them and reabsorbed the matter it had lost. “Taking out primary target.” It quickly shot down the streets of the small town just as the early morning sun crept over the horizon.
It ignored the ponies who stared in shock as it shot past their stalls. It ignored everything but the Tree poking over the horizon. Within minutes, it reached the Tree. It glared at it with hate. Its first abuser. Its will be the focus of its wrath.
It swarmed the tree, shooting up the trunk. It dragged Rainbow Dash’s flesh out, and used her hoof to smash the window in. There was a cry of surprise. as the inhabitant was forced to protect her head from the falling shards.
“Rainbow Dash! What are you -- AHHHH!”
A spear shot out of Rainbow’s mouth, slicing off her horn. The unicorn fell off her bed, writhing in pain. The peach hauled the rest of its mass into the room, its glowing eyes glaring down at her with hate. It lifted the pegasus’s body to the side, the pony falling limp in its grasp.
“Remember me, Twilight Sparkle?”
The pony’s eyes constricted in shock at the giant peach. With great effort, she forced out, “What have you done to my friend?!”
“Removed the chances of ... interruptions.” It laughed. “Now, its time return the favor.” It shot towards her, its jaws wide and full of sharp splinters. “Heeeeere’s JAMES!”
Crunch
The Tree-bary exploded. A bloody peach monster roared with laughter, finally killing its arch nemesis. It hadn’t felt so good in years. Part two of its revenge plan? The destruction of Equestria.
It surged down the stairs and promptly face planted when it cleared the front door.
The monster spun around, glaring at the ... Nurse?
“Who ... who are you?” Out of the corner of its eye, it noted a small purple dragon hiding behind her legs. Hmm. It vaguely remembered some sort of companion to the purple unicorn, but it was too busy screaming while being eaten. Darn. Oh well, just have to --
“I’m Nurse Redheart. You do know that these damages are very costly and time consuming to repair, right?”
....What?
She noticed your dumbfounded expression and rolled her eyes. “Do I have to spell it out for you? Killing is bad. Dear Celestia, I thought you would be smarter than this.” She pulled out a blue fur-- wait, that’s Rainbow Dash’s skin. How the hell did the pony sneak it away from it? It watched dumbly as the Nurse pony sat on her haunches, rubbing her hooves together. A moment later, she separated them, carefully examining the few sparks that jumped between her hooves.
“Clear!” she shouted, and placed her hooves on the fur coat that was Rainbow Dash. Bzzt
In an instant, Rainbow Dash reappeared, as if nothing had happened to her, besides a bad hangover. The Nurse carefully guided the groaning pegasus into a cart with a small white box. It strangely reminded the peach of a phone booth.
It blinked, and the implications finally dawned upon him. She was undoing all its hard work! With an angry roar, it charged and smashed the box.
His fist bounced straight off.
Mind-boggled, he grabbed a giant piece of timber and swung it at the makeshift ambulance. The timber snapped in two, though it did manage to crush some more ponies from all the flying shards. It swung it back at the Nurse who was busy reviving Fluttershy.
Boink
It stared, dumbfounded at the unharmed mare. Fluttershy was ushered into the ambulance box, and it wondered how the hell the box was able to fit two fully grown ponies when it looked like it was barely able to fit one.
In a rage, it flung the timbers at the screaming populace.
The Nurse was not amused. “Spike, please take a letter. I need to make a call.”
“NO!” it shouted, and tried consuming the small dragon. Redheart raised a hoof and punched him across the town.
When it finally reorganized its pits into a functional neural network, it realized it was floating in a partially see through yellow box of magic. Ah. The giant horse thing beside him was Celestia. It looked where her eyes were pointing, and and saw, to its dismay, Redheart repairing all the damage he had done earlier. Even Pinkie was pronking behind her, helping the Nurse lug around supplies.
“Well ... bugger,” it grumbled.
Celestia seemed to notice it for the first time. “You have been very naughty,” she said. After a moment of thought, she added, “Banishment and dungeon,” then flung it over her shoulder.
A sonic boom disturbed the Princess’s wave like hair slightly.
Two Hours Later
The Peach blob stirred, its mind aching. After finally being able to push down its migraine, it opened its eyes and looked around it. A bunch of tiny pixie ponies were hovering around him and ... bowing?
“All hail Princess Peach!” one cried.
The lot of them grabbed his shield cube and tossed it into a corner of some important looking building, and stacked books on top of it.
Ah. That explains a lot.
...
Bloody hell.
[End of Part One: Life is Like a Box of Chocolates. I hate Chocolates.]
[Tune in next time for Part Two: When All You Have is a Hammer, and Everything Looks Like a Block of C4]
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Welp. I finally figured out how to end the opener, so to speak.
Next up, all semblance of continuity will probably be tossed out the window in favor of whatever the hell I feel like whacking over the head of Mr. Peach here.
Absolute genius, my friend. Continue the good work.
5603128
You do know I hate all of you, right?
5603133
Yes, I'm well aware. And I really don't care. This is hilarious. If I was so thin-skinned that a parody got my jimmies rustled, I would have never favourited this piece of comedy.
Huh, that was a little more gruesome than expected, but not so much for the fic overall....
5605522
The point was that for every point of destruction James the Giant Peach (how original) tried to do, it gets cleaned up within a matter of hours and then they toss him into a corner as if he doesn't matter.
Its like seeing Gozilla tearing down a city, then one person levitates the monster and tosses him out of the city at Mach speed. Ten minutes later, Godzilla stumbles back and sees everything restored, and the citizens wandering about as if they couldn't care less. And then a dude wearing a sharp suit in a hang-glider flies over and punches the monster so hard it explodes.
5605611 I got that.
5676764
"Season 2" is pretty much getting overhauled into this