Chapter 2: First Friend in The Everfree
"Wow! What a crash!" Was the first thing a said, with a goofy smile on my face.
I sat up, using my arms to lift myself up, and saw the endlessness of trees and bushes before me. I saw some creepy eyes starring at me for a while, but just ignored them.
"What forest am I in, anyways?" I asked, knowing that I will get no answer. But surprisingly, I did.
"The Everfree Forest is where you are,
And by the look of you, you came pretty far." said a voice.
"Who said that?!" I turned around towards the voice, seeing a Zebra before me that was surrounded in blue flowers, that I was sitting on some.
"What the..?" was the first thing a said after a long silence. 'Either Chris put something in my browny snack or this is some crazy-ass dream.' I thought.
"My name is Zecora, as you can see,
I am a Zebra, but what are thee?" she asked.
"First, nice rhyming, and second, the names Ally" I answered. 'Why does that name sound familiar?' I thought.
"A creature named Ally, that is new to me,
but have you seen a zebra? Just like me?" She pointed to herself.
"Well, yeah, I've seen Zebras. But not in real life, nor like you." I said.
"Thy must be tired, from that nasty fall,
Come with me, thou mustn't me alone at all."
"Why?" But before she could answer, I heard some creepy sounds from a distance. "Nevermind, let's go." But I almost forgot about my 'condition'.
I saw that Zecora was walking pretty far. "H-hey! Zecora?" I shouted. But she didn't turn around. At first I thought she left me, but I saw her coming back with my book bag and wheelchair.
"I assume these are yours,
But climb on before you are no more." She said.
I crawled over as fast as I could and climbed on the wheelchair. Before I could move myself, Zecora started pushing me with her hooves and we were speeding past trees over and over again. I didn't really liked being pushed around, it makes me feel useless, but I didn't want to act like a spoiled brat, seeing that she was just trying to help.
As we were speeding by trees and bushes, I saw some things that I never thought were real. I saw a sleeping Manticore, the backside of a Cockatrice, something that looked like a fairy-pony with huge wings, and a flying ball with big eyes. But I also saw some simple animals like, bunnies, birds, and even a bear.
I didn't realize that we were in front of a tree-house. (Or is it house-tree?) Zecora opened the door and brought out a plank for my wheelchair to be able to come with me. This time, I pushed myself inside.
Inside were a bunches of containers and jars full of spices and herbs. In the center, there was a cauldron full of black liquid. I also saw some mask with creepy faces, but it didn't bother me that much.
"Nice hut." I commented.
"Now I must ask you first,
were you the one that shook the earth?" she asked
"Huh? Oh You mean the crash? Yeah, that was me!" I said smiling with pride.
Zecora stood silent, was about to speak, but then turned around back to the cauldron.
While Zecora was busy doing who-knows-what, I reached behind my wheelchair and lifted my backpack off the handles. I opened the backpack, seeing that everything was still in there, not that I would think Zecora would take anything, just making sure. I took out a water canister, and my phone. First, drinking some of the Pepsi inside the canister, then checking my phone, seeing that there was no service. 'Wouldn't hurt to check anyways.' I thought. But what caught me by surprise was that there was internet connection. 'Weird...'
I didn't notice that there was a zebra looming over me, seeing my phone in my hand. I turned around, seeing her looking at the phone. "Can I help you?" I asked.
"I do not want to be a bother, if I may ask,
what is that device, in your grasp?" she asked.
"Oh, sorry." I showed her my phone. "This is a cell phone, or a iPhone 5C to be specific. You can talk to anyone without being next to them... like talking to a person through a brick wall, you can't see them, but you can hear them."
"That seems pretty cool,
What a magical tool."
"Do you wanna play with it?" I asked. It didn't bother me cause it had plenty of battery life so she can play it whenever she wanted.
She simply nodded her head and took it from my grasp.
I watched as she was playing Flappy Bird on my lap. I laughed at her getting angry at the many failures and was almost at the point where she was about to throw my phone at the wall, until we heard a knock at the door. Zecora gave me back my phone, then went to answer the door.
"Oh! Hello Princess Sparkle, and the others I see,
Come in, come in, would you like some tea?"
"Uh, no thank you Zecora. We just came here to warn you about a recent crash not to far from here," I heard a voice way too familiar. "And I have a hypothesis that the cause of the crash was a spell of mine and that probably a living creature should have been at the crash sight. But unfortunately, the creature wasn't there, so I think you should keep your eye peeled Zecora. If you see anything, you can send a message to us via Spike."
Zecora just nodded.
As the mystery guest left, Zecora closed the door. And starred at me, pondering on what to do next. The answer came by a yawn from me.
"It seems that you are tired,
Lay on the couch, I'll light a fire."
I didn't question that. I wheeled my way to the couch, lifted myself from the wheelchair, onto the couch. Zecora left to the other room, and brought me a pillow and quilt. "Thanks." I placed my head on the pillow and almost immediately fell asleep.
~P.O.V. Zecora~
I watched as the creature named Ally fall asleep and went to my desk. I pulled out some parchment and ink and started writing.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
I am dearly sorry that I kept my mouth shut,
That the odd creature I brought into my hut.
She seems nice in every way,
And I think you should come the next day.
You may tell your friends about this,
But don't tell the Sun Princess.
We shall talk at the planned day,
But I should get ready to end the day.
~Zecora
I then sent the letter and got ready for bed myself. 'This creature sure is new, But I just hope she's not thinking of having zebra stew.' I thought.
Stats
Page generated in 0.028 seconds
Total duration
860 users online
1,015,668 hits today, 1,960,719 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
4219567 There is a blind HIE fic, it's called "Lost and Blind" I actually faved it.
4219608 You may...
so did she land on poison joke and will that have any adverse affect on her? only problem I have is twi not fallowing the tracks left by ally's chair I would think there would be some less the under growth of the forest covered it.( stop trying to poke holes in the story stupid just enjoy the ride
)
4220122 I might have left it out, but the sun was setting. (And you know how dark it gets in the Everfree right. I mean who would fall asleep in the middle of the day? Really?) anyways, just wait until the next chapter to find out Ally's results with the Poison Joke. :D
Omg finally!
I almost died. 
4220850 I know you wouldn't die without seeing the next chapter. :3
4220937
How did you know? 
True.
But I would die if you deleted the story.
HiE fics are a dime a dozen, but few people attempt to tackle Zecora's rhyming, so I'll stick around out of respect for a path rarely trod.
I'll be watching this..
Wow, big respect there. Zecoras ryming came smooth like velvet. Plus its not everday you see a HiE fic with a dissabled human. On that note, I like Ally´s character.
*sets up a tent, pulls out a camping chair and waits for MOAR*
4219848 Timaahhh
I'm sure they will strap a quantum engine to her wheelchair to make it go fast enough to go back in time or go home.
You might have more success if you write with spellcheck and then paste into the chapter page. I noticed a few missing apostrophes and your/your're confusion.
4222402 yeah, I'll work on that. (Just that someone kept on begging me to type the next chapter on the same day)
4221139 you can't die without leaving the fandom :3
4222335 maybe she makes her own Humanboom while doing it! (like a sonic boom! :D)
4222830
A bouncing rainboom perhaps?
4222892 that would be a sight to see :D
4223369 actually, when I first decided to make a crippled HIE fic, the first thing that came up was that she should be a daredevil (since she doesn't like feeling useless on the wheelchair)
4222830
Do I have to force it out of you? 
WHERE IS MY 3RD CHAPTER MR.?
Bring it or I will be the cause of your death.
See you soon.
4223846 it shall come soon; just having trouble typing Zecora's rhyming. (It's super hard if your not a living poet)
Interesting. Continue *Adds another three days to the count-down on the bomb hidden somewhere in dimensional space around your house*
4225575 th09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2011/277/8/d/safety_by_mr_1-d4bti2f.png
4225620 How do you know it's not inside the rubbish bin?
4225950 cause it's not in the house! You shall be patient for my next chapter!
4225960 I have a quantum ioniser on my pocket, unless you want to find out what it does... MOAR!
4225964 well unless you want a short, unrelated chapter... Then WAIT!
4226032 *Grumbles under breath* You're just lucky my time machine got stolen by Archimedes.
4226036 and besides, all you know is that I'm in a bucket right now. YOU DONT KNOW WHERE THY IS!!
4226086 I have advanced technology, I know everything, even when your next bowel movement is. I'm deleting that info section.
4226092 if you know so, then what I doing right now!
4226189 Fucked if I know, I sat on it and now all it tells me is stock market prices. The hell am I going to do with those?
4226211 see if there are any sales :D
How the hell can any living thing (Maybe except Pinkie)play Flappy Bird with hooves?
4226321 How can anything play flappy bird for more than a minute?
4226321 *Shrugs* ponies can lift up tons of things with there hooves, so the Fucked Logic there.
4226330 *Shrugs* the game is addictive :D
I can't wait to see Ally's reaction when she figures out just where she is. Now how will the Poison Joke effect her??? And how long will it take her to start racing Dash and Scootaloo???
4226447 just wait until I finish the next chapter (and I mostly think she would be racing Scootaloo more than RD)
Good start, can't wait for more
And congrats on hitting the popular list!
4227267 I didn't even know it was on the popular list. But thanks
I really love this concept, but I would like to bring up a few things you could improve upon:
1.) Scenery is important in a story. The reader must not only follow the plot, but actually see the ramp, feel the crash, scent the forest--you get where this is going, yes? Don't just tell a story. Let the reader into your world. Yeah, pictures are nice, but they provide only a brief glimpse into your piece.
2.) Pacing. The pace of this is going too fast to keep up with at times. For example, Twilight and co. are there, and suddenly gone, with hardly any interaction at all. Take your time, hon; don't rush this piece. It could be a truly beautiful and poignant tale. Also, why have the rest of the gang there if only Twilight and Spike were there? But that brings me to
3.) Characters. There needs to be more character development for Ally and her friends. Not going into their whole life stories, but you mentioned that Ally's father was also a 'daredevil'? We, the readers, need some backstory to make your characters come to life. And, if you have characters there, don't let them be extras, just standing in the background. Remember the scenery I mentioned? This goes hand-in-hand with that.
4.) Believability. How would Zecora, a zebra with hooves, be able to play a game on a device which only works fingers? Here is a neat article describing the intricacies of how such technology works. Who would honestly put rockets on a wheelchair? And what sort of ramp was there? You don't need to be a physicist, but please keep in mind that, while this is fiction, there always needs to be some truth for us, the readers, to believe, understand, and integrate into the story.
5.) Editing. You switch point of views (which need to be properly noted), have grammar and tense issues, and probably should have the changing views in a different chapter or some such thing.
I am not trying to tell you how to write your story; I am only giving you advice that you may choose to integrate or ignore. The choice is yours. These are merely suggestions to help improve your overall writing, and draw the reader deeper into this story. It has so much potential!
If you would like an editor/beta, please keep me in mind. Again, I'm not trying to criticize; I am merely critiquing. There is a difference, trust me. It's the first lesson I learned in college... and yes, I do have a degree in creative writing. :)
This story is frimazing( friggin ammazin)
4228155 Thanks for your opinion and tips to help my story.
But I will soon shine the light on Ally's life on Earth when the Q & A starts. 
4228324 Thanks.
Zecora even Thinks in rhymes.
Hey, here's some easy quick advice to make your story better, that
4228155 forgot to add....
Paragraphs are 4-6 sentences long, and most importantly you need to add a space every time someone new talks. Here's an example:
("I do not want to be a bother, if I may ask, what is that device, in your grasp?" she asked.
"Oh, sorry." I showed her my phone. "This is a cell phone, or a iPhone 5C to be specific. You can talk to anyone without being next to them... like talking to a person through a brick wall, you can't see them, but you can hear them."
"That seems pretty cool, What a magical tool."
"Do you wanna play with it?" I asked. It didn't bother me cause it had plenty of battery life so she can play it whenever she wanted.
She simply nodded her head and took it from my grasp.)
4222402
Oh, hi.. I like your name, did you get it from me?
well this chapter is nice. But i don´t thing that she is able to play with a handy, even if i like to think that many thinks are possible for them, this one......maybe not.
You are a brave person to have attempted to come up with all of these rhymes for zecora. She is a hard character to portray