"*Yawn* What a rest," was the first thing I said, opening my eyes, seeing that I was still in Zecora's hut. "So it wasn't a dream..." I sat up on the couch, looking down at my lifeless legs. "*Sigh*" At that moment, I saw Zecora walk in, looking well rested.
"I see that you are up,
And I may say, sup."
"Hey Zecora, not trying to be mean or anything, but I thought this whole thing was a dream."
"No need to fret, for I thought the same,
But may I play that Flappy Bird game?"
"Shouldn't we eat first?"
Zecora just nodded. She went to another room, which I assumed was the kitchen. And with little effort, I got off the couch, onto my wheelchair. I wheeled my way to the same room, seeing Zecora setting the table for both of us.
I assumed that the side that had to chair was my spot. I set myself up there. I waited for awhile, seeing Zecora making something to eat. She came back with a two wooden bowls of salad. I was about to dig in with some utensils, but there were none.
"Um, Zecora?"
She lifted up her head from her bowl, seeing bits of leafy green on her cheeks.
"Do you have any utensils that I can use?"
She nodded her head and went to a nearby drawer. She took out a fork and spoon and carried them back in her teeth. I thanked her, then took the utensils from her grasp.
We continued without speaking to each other. I would sometimes take out some flower pedals in the salad, but Zecora didn't mind. Other than the flowers, I nearly cleaned the whole plate. When I finished my salad, I noticed that she also poured some water in a wooden mug. I thanked her again and took a sip from the cup.
The rest of the morning consisted of me watching Zecora make different brews in her cauldron, and sometimes asking what she's making. Obviously, Zecora would always answer in rhymes, sometimes in some vocabulary that I didn't understand. Sometimes while I watch her, I would get this itch on my shoulder, but nothing else.
I know that many people in my situation would start wondering how they are even in a hut with a rhyme-talking zebra, but I saw movies in this situation that's much worse, so I just played along, ignoring the voice in the back of my head asking all of these questions regarding of what I should do.
Zecora was almost finished with an antidote for something called 'The Blue Flu' until we heard a knock on the door. I stayed next to the cauldron while Zecora approached the door, seeing through a nearby window first, but what surprised me was that I thought I saw a blue winged pony with a rainbow mane. Zecora opened the door. I didn't see who was outside but I knew it was that same thing from yesterday.
"Miss Sparkle, you seem better,
It seems that you've gotten my letter."
"Sparkle, sparkle... Why does it sound so- Wait a minute! Twilight Sparkle!?' As on cue, I saw the Alicorn of the hour walk into the hut, with the other five, and Spike on the Alicorn's back, all of them looking at me with stunned looks on there faces.
I lowered my head, trying to not make eye contact, but what I didn't see was a pair of light cerulean eyes starring back at me.
"Wah!" I almost fell off my wheelchair, until the same mare pushed down my feet rest, placing me back to my original, balanced state. Next came a wave of questions from the mare.
"HiWhat'syournameMynameisPinkiePieIworkatSugarCubeCornerwithMr.andMrs.Cakeandtheretwoadorablefoals.Theresuperduperfunandcute.Thesearemyfriends!" She waved her pink hoof to the other five. She zipped to every mare she pointed out. "ThisisTwilightSparkleandSpike!ThisisRarity!ThisisApplejack!ThisisFluttershy!AndthisisRainbowDash!AndweretheElementsofHarmony!" Pinkie finished.
"Uhh..." Everything was silent as I tried to process what just happened.
"C-can you talk Ms. Creature?" The yellow mare named Fluttershy.
I shook my head to clear my mind. "Uhh... Y-yeah, I can talk." Some of the mares were a bit shocked at me finally speaking. Rarity was on her famous fainting couch and Pinkie gave me a big grin. I gave a small smile back.
"Excuse me, but what are you?" Twilight asked.
"I-I'm a Human or a Homo Sapiens to be scientific." I answered.
Everything became silent once more, then Rainbow Dash interrupted the silence. "Why are you sitting I that 'thing'?" She pointed at my wheelchair.
"O-oh, Well I-I'm paralyzed from the waist, down." I said. Still confused looks. "I can't move my legs." I said bluntly. Rainbow gave a guilty look. Probably guilty on asking the question. "B-But don't worry! I was born like this, so it's completely normal for me." Everyone looked less tense.
"A-At first I thought the crash made that happen." Twilight said.
"How do you know about the crash?" I asked.
"I-well-Uhh..." Twilight started.
"TwilightdidsomefancyandhardspelltotakesomethingfromawholedifferentworldanditseemedthatTwilightwantedtogetyourwheelchairandsinceyouwereonit,youcameaswellwithyourbag!" Pinkie explained in one breath. Both me and Twilight had are jaws dropped.
"I didn't even tell you that, Pinkie. How did you know?"
"Just a hunch." She shrugged.
"Anyhoo! If you must know, like Pinkie said, I did try to summon an item in your world, and I saw your wheelchair, but not you. So I used my magic to summon it, and strangely, it was in the air. Why was that?" Twilight asked.
"Well, I kinda, rather, sorta, tried to break a record in my world." That got Rainbow's attention.
"You did? What happened?" Rainbow came up to me, hovering over.
I started boasting. "Oh nothing interesting. Just using a huge ramp to break the world record of fastest wheelchair speed." Rainbow's jaw dropped next.
"How is that not interesting!?" She continued "It's like me doing a Double Rainboom and acting like I flew to Twilight's Library." She stated.
"Wait? What's a Double Rainboom?"
Rainbow was about to answer that until Pinkie popped out of nowhere and pulled out a photo.
"This!"
"You can also search up the video on Youtube to see the official fan-made episode." Pinkie said.
This threw both me and Rainbow off guard. Making us utterly confused.
"Yeah..." I finally said.
"Um, excuse me Ms. Creature? Do you have a name? If you want to tell us that is." Fluttershy squeaked, making my heart explode over the cuteness I see before my eyes.
"I-It's Ally." I said, getting a approved glance from Fluttershy. 'OMG She's so cute!'
"I'm sorry to interrupt, darling." Rarity finally spoke. "But I couldn't help but notice your exquisite taste in fashion." That compliment gave me a confused stare in return from me. "The skirt and jacket goes so well and the white socks and shirt as well." She started walking up, feeling my fabric and looking at my bracelet. "Simple, but cute." She said.
"Um, not to be mean, but I really just threw these on when I got up yesterday."
"Y-yesterday? Please don't tell me that you went to sleep with them?" She asked, looking a little pale, even though she was white enough.
"Well I'm not really fond of sleeping in the nude."
Rarity stood silent.
"Anyways!" Twilight got all of our attention. "I know that everypony would like to ask Ally many questions, but I think we should leave the forest first. No offense Zecora."
Zecora just wave a hoof.
Twilight got the approval of taking be back to Ponyville, and at first, Fluttershy was going to push me out, but I politely asked if I could move myself. She gladly let me do it on my own.
And I surprised the mares at how fast and easy I maneuvered through the forest, having close calls from trees and some animals passing by. As I sped off ahead, Rainbow caught up with me, telling me that Twilight wanted her to keep an eye on me. I just rolled my eyes and continued wheeling away.
~
We were finally out of the forest and were on our way to Twilight's House/Library. As we got to the Town Hall, all of the ponies we saw ran away, having a scared look as I made eye contact to some of them. But in less then a minute, the town looked like a ghost town instead. I just shrugged it of. 'Too bad. I would've shown them how to have fun!' I thought with a devilish grin on. Luckily, none of the mare saw my evil grin.
But what I didn't see was one unicorn mare starring directly at me. Instead of fear in her eyes, they were full of interest and curiosity. As I wheeled passed her, she actually started following us from a distance. Still looking at me. It made me uneasy. 'I know I wanted all eyes on me, but this is ridiculous!' I thought.
I couldn't take it anymore, and so I turned around, a whole 180 degrees, and started looking at the startled mare. As I stated before, she was a mint green unicorn. Her hair was a bluish-green color with white highlights. Her cutie make was a Lyre. When I realized who she was I got a little uneasy. 'Damn! It's that obsessive human mare, Lyra!'
"Can I help you?" I finally said.
Lyra was a little stunned at me speaking to her. But she started speaking.
"Um, Can I, um, touch your hand?"
"Huh?
"Can I touch your hands?"
"Touch my what?"
"Your hands... Can I touch them?" She asked shyly.
"Uh, sure." I reached out my and towards her, she stepped back at first, then placed her hoof on it.
She had a small smile on her muzzle and started messing with my fingers, spreading them, then putting them together. She then grabbed my hand and started rubbing my palm on her other hoof. I then pulled out my hand, and reached over to pet her. At first she was confused on what I was doing, then relaxed as I rubbed my hand on her mane. I then started scratching the back of her ear, and she actually started twitching her hind-hoof like a dog would if you scratch there tickle spot. I then left my hand from her head and she opened her eyes again, making me see her golden eyes.
"Sorry, but I need to go." I spoke.
"Oh, o-ok. Can we see each other again? I liked it when you scratch that one spot I couldn't reach." she asked, making me chuckle a bit.
"Ok then. I'll see ya later miss..."
"Lyra. Lyra Heartstrings."
"Ally."
We shook hoof/hand before we separated. I saw that the main six were waiting for me, seeing the whole thing.
"Shall we continue?"
"Sure..." Twilight answered. We then continued our trip to the Library.
4228155
I won't argue your main points, but:
"Who would honestly put rockets on a wheelchair?"
Err... Someone trying to break the world record for fastest wheelchair, I'd say. Believe it or not, people have done it before...
4229077 People do even crazier things. (That's nothing!)
I believe what you meant was 180 degrees since 360 would just cause her to go in a full circle and face the same direction as before she turned around. So far it seems like a fairly interesting story so far so keep it up.
4229090 Oh, believe me, I know. People do some crazy stuff.
4229115 Whoops I'll fix that!
4229201 Don't need to tell me twice
should be their
Next there should also be their.
The third There should be They're
And finally the last there should be their.
Cool stuff everywhere else, btw.
*sees picture* Every thin' looks cooler through a FISH-EYE LENSE!!!
Nice chapter. I can't wait to see Ally meet the CMC, especially Scootaloo. Her meeting Lyra was adorable when she started scratching Lyra's ears and Lyra started acting like a dog. I can totally see Ally giving ear scratches to her favorite ponies. And how long will it take Rarity to make Ally a new wardrobe???
I can't wait to see wait to see what the poison joke does to her!
4229077 No doubt, but as I mentioned previously, the author needs to make this believable. So, some young adults/teens seemingly adding rockets to a wheelchair, with a passing phrase of some sort of previous attempts, is kinda doubtful. That's why I wanted the author to expand on the details/characters.
4228856 No problem hon. Writing is an art form, but as with all art, if you love it, it's fun, even when you have a teacher constantly telling you to put your finger higher or lower when playing the violin. Just a comparison I guess; I've been playing it for 17 years now and I still screw up. Everyone does
4229377 yeah getting there and their confused
4229384 rainbowdash.net/file/yeepzor-20120401T020019-ueb532j.jpeg
4229423 First, I can't wait as well. Second, I always visualize my stories as videos and saw Lyra being one of the first to come up. And third, probably next chapter after the Q & A.
4229546 I can't wait either (yet at first I thought it should make her walk, but then I realize that isn't really a joke, more like a miracle.)
4229685 not everyone's perfect
4229546 Same. I agree it shouldn't make her able to walk, but if it was something that she finds beneficial then
4230106 no, it can't let her walk, that wouldn't be a joke now would it? Mhahahahahahaha!
4229546 Makes her Legs work, but then her arms are paralyzed.
4230131 Well, what would Pony's find annoying but humans find useful??? OOOHHH, how about change her digestive system to accept pony foods??? That messes with her but keeps her from craving meat and grossing out the ponies.
4230215 or her body slightly phases into her wheel chair. That possibilities are endless
4230049 Hon, no one is perfect.
4230299 Exactly! (I also saw my flaw there )
I'd laugh if the Poison Joke only gave her an annoying rash on her shoulder and that's it.
4230864 That's only the tip of the iceberg my good man
4230903 th03.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2011/090/0/3/shrugpony_twilight_sparkle_by_moongazeponies-d3cvkds.png
Another reason I like this so much, is because of the girl's name. My nickname IRL (but I barely use my real name so the name is practically my real name) is Ally.
4231060 Wow! I did not know or see that coming.
"How is that not interesting!?" She continued "It's like me doing a Double Rainboom and acting like flew to Twilight's Library." She stated.
*and acting like I flew to Twilight's Library.
You forgot the i. Sorry, I'm a geek at heart.
Oh and when Pinky Pie was introducing herself...
Theresuperduperfunandcute.Thesearemyfriends!
It should be...
They'resuperduperfunandcute.Thesearemyfriends!
4231021 Can it be funnier than tentacles that sing a theme song for you in acapella?
4232206 I see that you noticed derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDEvMDIvMDNfNTNfMzFfNjkzXzE5OTc3OF9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfcGlua2llX3BpZV9hbmltYXRlZF9pbWFnZV9tYWNybyJdXQ/199778__safe_pinkie-pie_animated_image-macro_moustache.gif.gif
4231894 that seems tough to beat, but I think it would be not as funny or odd as that.
4231074 dang it! More mistakes! Need to fix them!
eh... overall the story seems rushed, and as if the character traits are over dramatic. Try slowing down how fast the story flows by adding in details, and also try to get the characters better, like Pinkie talking quickly but displayed in a better fashion, and you need to realize that she rarely talks quickly in reality. We just love those few times shes on 10 gallons of coffee. Just, overall, try to make them more in character and a bit slower with some fluff.
4230864 I'm guessing it did something to her skin that will be seen later during a scene where they settle down.
4234271 Maybe It might be her skin, or her arm itself
Okay. Here are four tenets to work on so you can improve this catastrophe:
1. Formatting. Good formatting is legible and relatable, from speech patterns to expressing excitement regardless of the style the author decides to work their words. Work on your spacing in particular. (Examples of error in formatting, necessary and not coming from Zecora and Pinkie. I'll leave you to figure out what needs to be fixed as I don't have a large portent of time to spend on this.)
2. Spellcheck. This holy instrument of divinity doesn't always work. It does however give clues on what you should do. Try checking over your paragraphs for any and all missuses or errors in the words of choice. I assure you, errors are there, and you should take the time to check your story before releasing unedited chapters.
3. Clichés, Logical Speech, Characters/INFORMATION. Try not to use the scenarios or modes of transport developed by your predecessors. Purple lightning isn't natural, but it is a cliché the HIE community used to rely on...especially in conjunction with any failed or successful spells performed by one Twilight Sparkle. The cliché is there and is particularly offsetting in the eyes of readers explaining a portion of your downvoters.
The second of this part of this hint is relying on a lack of logic. Logic has to flow in the eyes of a character. No single person in the world would look down a talking zebra and accept it as possible without being in a severely addled state of mind. You need to have some explanation involved for any person to accept your story seriously.
Thirdly, in any story you have to have a sense of hardship worth appreciating and a likeable character. Your character is nice...but hyper. She may as well be a hollow Pinkie Pie. That...is not good. Develop who you want to talk about beforehand. Unless you plan on having a character appear more than once, there's no point in giving them a name. If you want to leave a character open...that's fine...but you need to at least give them a face before you send them on harrowing adventures.
4. Balancing Dialogue with Text. You have far too much dialogue in your story, and you leave off developing a scene in order to give a picture instead. That's vapid and degrading to any reader. You can't just assume that whoever is reading your story has read a hundred before and knows the characters before they are established. You have to describe the environment. You have to give color to the setting and people and interactions while using words. This is often difficult, but you must do it.
Imagine if you would, a story only in dialogue. There is no setting. You can't tell what the people look like...you can only read the dialogue. Not only does this become boring after the first few sentences, it's almost impossible to keep a person's vested interest for longer than a chapter. It's been done before...but it's rarely done well.
It is the same with a story having only text. It get's exhausting after a while to have no interaction between characters. There are no words 'spoken aloud' and thus the way to continue the story becomes hard. Short stories tend to do this best...but it's not something a story with a conclusion and several thousand words could do well.
***
I hope you take these tips to heart. I tried to go over the ones relevant to the story and explain the reasons, seeing how there's maybe one...two...other critics here to help you. Improve your story...Maybe then you'll reach the thousands...
ISA
4235301 thanks for the tips (I really needed them for my first popular fic)
4235503 You are welcome. Try to implement them...Then implement them with a competent editor. A good editor helps...always. A good one who's gotten used to you is even better. If you look into the 'Equestrian Critics Society' or 'The Writer's Group' they may be able to find you one. Be careful, though. There are unsavory types in both groups.
4235666 Savory how, really?
4236514 ok ok sheesh! (Thought that some people would just go with it)
A wheelchair speed record. And ends up in Equestria.
This is why we can't have nice things.
4237126 oi42.tinypic.com/33zci2t.jpg
4237221 lol no worries I was just being sarcastic
4236395 'Unsavory' -disagreeable to taste, smell, or look at. I pulled it from Google.
Anyways, yes. Some of the critics and editors are a bit more self-serving and rude than what you'd expect.
4237474 I know, I was just playing along
4237645 I also have no idea how to even get one anyways.
4238429 One word : Ask.
Ehh... noticed this because of Ayase, kind of a let down.
Okay, if random, idea, but execution leaves a bit to be desired. Make sure to take on board all of the advice the others have given you.
4240135 Very coincidental
4240452 To me, Ally is just like Rainbow Dash. She's a hard-head some times, but she just loved the action of it all. And also she wasn't wearing the backpack. It was on her wheelchair.
Are you re-writing chapter 4?
4229077
Like the nut who put SCRAM jets on his car to make it go faster... and it did until he hit a mountainside leaving only a scorch mark and some molten metal scraps.
Clever girl...acting like she doesn't know them....Thats very clever...
Double Rainboom doesn't deserve to be called an episode. More like a stupid animated fanfic
That was great. This needs to be made canon.
5152135
Couldn't agree more