• Published 5th Mar 2014
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The Golden Apple - Zombie Overlord Kog



The old saying goes "Be careful what you wish for". Anon learns that the hard way when he has to deal with Eris and all the chaos she brings.

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Chapter 1: Dream Weaver

Ah, another oh-so EXCITING day in the world of a...museum curator! Hell, that wasn't even close to accurate for your actual job. You're just the human who can lift some of the bigger crates easier and work a crowbar without chipping a tooth. Dust those scrolls, Anonymous. Polish these manticore bones, Anonymous. A glorified maid almost. Luckily, simple denim jeans and plain t-shirt was an acceptable uniform to these ponies and there was no frilly, black French outfit awaiting you in the future.

You chuckle to yourself. This job didn't pay that well...

These kinds of thoughts always ran through your head when your shift was almost done. Not that you really had much to actually do when you were off work. At least not anymore. Sure, when you had first arrived in Equestria over 3 years ago there was a sense of wonder and excitement. Talking, pastel ponies! Magic! Princesses of the Sun and Moon! And they were dying to know all about you!

But now?

Equestria was...dull. Your friends had jobs and responsibilities the same as if they were on Earth. They couldn't go on crazy misadventures every day. And you certainly couldn't learn magic. Even if you could what were you going to do? Do your best impression of Merlin? And the simple novelty of you yourself had just become another standard in Ponyville. It was almost...depressing. To be in this world and have it be so...run-of-the-mill. What you would do for a little excitement. For a little chaos.

"Anonymous!" That was...?

"Twilight? What are you doin' here?" you ask as you rest your hands on the broom you had been using to tidy up.

Though it wasn't all that surprising the purple unicorn was there. She did this from time to time. And she was the only friend of yours that came to the museum by choice after all. Rarity whined about dust. Fluttershy was terrified by the skeletal displays. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were in agreement that the museum was the most boring thing that ever was. And Pinkie Pie? Banned for life. As for why? No one talks about that day in Ponyville. So Twilight Sparkle was a closer friend than the others.

"Why am I here?! How can you not know why I'm here?!" she said in a tizzy.

"Uh... Ok, Twi, you're starting to scare me. Even more then that time you strapped a colander to my head and told me not to worry about lethal electrocution."

"Are you -still- sore about that? Look, that's not important right now! The important thing here is the newest display the museum is getting!"

New display? You weren't aware of anything new coming in. But...you did sometimes skip the morning meetings to...catch a nap in the store room. But this was far from the first new addition to the old museum and Twilight wasn't half as excited for those as she was this. This had to be something huge.

"So spill, purplemagic, what's coming to our little dustbin? Not another hydra skeleton I hope. Four heads, Twilight. Four. And the curator wouldn't let me go home until each one was on the 'correct' neck."

"Nothing like that at all, Anonymous! They found another one!"

"Another what?"

"Another draconequus!"

"A draco-whatnow?"

Twilight rolled her eyes and heaved a sigh of disappointment. "Honestly Anonymous, you never did listen to me. Think now, a draconequus. I've talked to you about them before."

Chances are Twilight DID talk to you about...whatever these were, but Twilight talked about a lot of stuff. Sometimes really boring stuff... Come on, Anon, think. If you can't remember you can expect another famous lecture from Ponyville's own OCD unicorn.

"Uh... A draconequus is...a kind of...pastry?"

Twilight is completely deadpan.

"...Yes Anon, a draconequus is a pastry. That's being brought here to be put on display. Good work."

"Anon do good?" The broom that was in your hands is telekinetically jerked away and you get a face full of bristles as Twilight smacks you in your smart mouth.

"No. Anon do bad."

You cough and wipe the dust and grim from your face. She never could take a joke.

"Oh come on, Twi. Cut me some slack. Like I can remember every little factoid you tell me. Just tell me already."

You go back to sweeping as Twilight huffs, her cheeks getting puffy and the color rising in her features.

"Ugh! Discord, you memory-deficient monkey! Now are any bells ringing in that head?"

Discord? Discord... That did sound familiar.

"You...mean that statue? In the gardens? Kinda looked like a thrown together assortment of animal parts? The one you would not shut up about?"

Twilight smiles brightly and trots over next to you. She unexpectedly gets up on her hind legs and quickly pats you on the head, well, she does her best to try.

"Now Anon do good."

"Har har har har. Very cute. So anyways, they what, found another draco-whatever statue?"

The unicorn giddily nods. "Uh-huh. And Ponyville has got the honor of being the one to display it! It's just so exciting!"

You shrug. You worked in museum and found some of the stuff a bit interesting but you didn't get a raging nerd-boner like Twilight did. You could almost swear that horn of hers grew and throbbed when there was new knowledge about. This statue would just be another thing to spiffy up and wipe off the occasional mustache drawn on it by a wise-ass kid. Or you when the mood would strike you.

"Well, I'm glad you're excited Twi. Someone should be. When's it supposeta get here anyways?"

"Today." she said matter-of-factly.

"Today today?"

"No, tomorrow today. Of course today today."

The color drains from your face. You needed to get out of here, now.

"Gotta go, Twilight!" You give the unicorn a quick, curt farewell and make for the back of the museum.

"Wha? A-Anonymous where are you rushing off to?" Twilight was already trotting after you.

Can't answer. Answering could mean losing time. And that would mean...

"Yes, Anonymous, where are you going?"

SIXTY DONKYS

Mission failed. How did he always know? You sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose.

"And just what was that about?" Twilight panting slightly, came up behind you.

She didn't want to know...

"It's...him."

"Who?"

Soon enough the answer to her question came into view from around a corner.

"Good evening, Anonymous. Now what's this about needing to leave?"

"Hey... Curator Memento."

Your boss. The curator of the relatively-new Ponyville Museum. Curator Memento. He was an older stallion, a beige sort-of color with his mane neat and trimmed and entering its salt-and-pepper stage. And those glasses...always on his face and always obscuring his eyes with a bizarre ever-present glare. His cutie mark was a pickax and chisel, you came to the conclusion he was an archeologist in his younger days not long after you met him.

"Answer my question please, Anonymous." Twilight was keeping quiet as Memento spoke and he didn't even acknowledge her presence.

"I...was gettin' ready to punch out, boss. My shift is practically up." Maybe he'd be in one of his giving moods this time?

"Ooh... I'm sorry, Anonymous. But I'm afraid you'll need to stay late tonight."

Every. Time. Guys name should be Clockwork. You don't know if he hates you or is just stuffy and unpleasant or whatever. But every time you think he'll give you a break he proves otherwise.

"But...Yes, sir. Can I at least ask what I'll be doing?"

"Why of course. You'll be unboxing, setting up, cataloging, and cleaning our newest acquisition; the draconequus statue."

So basically all the work. Again. Maybe you ARE the actual curator... And another late night in the dustbin...

You turn and give Twilight a small smile and salute before trudging off to the loading dock.

"Um... H-Have a nice night, Anon. I'll see you tomorrow."

You wave over your shoulder.

"Excuse me...miss?"

"Oh! I'm Twilight Sparkle. Pleased--

"Yes, Miss Spackle. I'm afraid we'll be closing in a few moments. I'll have to ask you to leave."

"It's Spark--Hey!"

You glance back and see Memento following after you, completely blowing off Twilight. And that's why you never introduced the guy, Twi.


----

This box. Weighs. A ton.

They meant stone statue, right? Not one made of solid damn iron? Even with the dolly this was a slow going process. Gradually you make your way to the new display; a moderately-sized platform made of oak and blocked-off with velvet ropes. The platform was littered with some small boulders and fake grasses; give it a more natural look you suppose. Pretty swanky for a statue, at least in this museum. And you put that display area up yourself you're quick to remember. Your back is going to revolt at this rate. With a groan you bring the dolly to a halt on the platform and the mammoth crate comes to a rest. Cracking your back and neck, you grab your crowbar and wonder, for just a moment, how much punishment a wooden box can take from one of these things. You shake your head of the distracting thoughts and jam the crowbar into the box. You grit your teeth and pull, the sound of creaking wood filling your ears.

Soon enough you hear the familiar pop you were waiting for and wipe the sweat from you brow. You repeat the process on the other corner of the box until it's loose enough to slip your fingers inside and pull it apart. The front of the crate falls to the ground and you get your first look at this oh-so important statue. It's far from impressive. At least to you. It's a dull, giant hunk of stone with what looks like a head sticking out of it. Some statue. It...looked female. True, it did look a little like that Discord statue but this wasn't nearly as off-putting as him. It actually looked kinda sweet, like it was sleeping. A peaceful look on the creatures face. You couldn't really tell what the rest of it looked like. Its body mostly encased in the rock. Also looked even heavier than you thought it would be.

Stifling another groan you pulled the dolly inside the crate and began the task of getting the 'statue' out. After what seemed like hours the draconequus statue was in its proper place in the center of the display platform. You began to clean up, removing the remains of the crate and the like. If you were lucky you might be able to make it back home before 1 am.

"Dumb hunk of junk."

At least you were done. Still this cost you a nice, relaxing night of not doing any heavy-lifting. Grumbling, you kick the time-stealing statue and start to walk away. That's when you what sounds like cracking rock. And then you see it; minute, spidery cracks forming on the stone. And then...pieces start falling off.

BAD

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD

VERY BAD

In a frantic panic you rush over to the statue and fruitlessly begin trying to WILL the rock pieces to stay put by wildly slapping at it with your hands.

Naturally, it does precisely dick.

More cracks are appearing, more chucks start to fall off, and your job is circling the bowl.

"Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshiiiiiiiiiiit!" Fitting choice of words.

With your hands still on the hunk of crumbling stone you notice it's growing...warm to the touch. And the cracking sound is getting louder and louder. That can NOT possibly be good. Before you have a chance to make tracks you see, for the briefest of moments, a flash of brilliant white light. Then a monstrous crack resounds, followed by boom. You're flying through the air at the point when the boom registers in your ears. You land with a thud on some of the velvet ropes and strongly consider new career choices as bits of rock and dust rain down on you. Wincing slightly you look up from your not-so plush spot on the ground and see the 'statue' is gone.

In its place...is the owner of that sweet, peaceful face. Except now it's not sweet or peaceful. It looks pissed. The creature; the draconequus, notices you gawking at it and smirks. It ain't the friendly kind of smirk. Faster than you can think it's on top of you, a lion's paw wrapped around your throat. Its...bizarrely cobbled-together body really DOES remind you of Discord's statue. Even the size. She easily towers over you. Flicking its snowy-white hair aside the draconequus leans down until it's just about touching noses with you. That smirk is still on her face.

"Mmm... What do we have here?" The voice was just a whisper but it was so...sultry. "I don't recognize this kind of form..."

Using that eagle's talon of hers she drew a line down from your forehead to your lips. This could be...well, a lot of things. Bad, most likely.

"Wonder how long you'll last." Last? For what...?

You try to speak for the first time since this thing pounced but you're distracted by two things. The first; that pissy-looking, but still kinda sweet face was replaced by a new set of expressions: Gleefully insane. And the second? That eagle's talon was now crackling was some kind of purplish-pink energy. And just inches from your head. Yep. Bad things...

NOW THINK YOU FUCK. THIS THINGS GOT GOD-KNOWS-WHAT CHARGING IN THAT CLAW

But try what? She's already proven she's faster and stronger than you. Try something! Anything before you're tuned into vapor!

"W-What's that behind you?!" You suddenly shout and point behind the draconequus.

So. Fucking. Smooth. There's no way she'll--

"Ooh! What? What? I don't see anything! Where is it, where is it! I wanna see!"

She did. She actually fell for it. She actually let go of you and floated off of you to look around. That's... This is...

A CHANCE

TAKE IT

Not wasting anymore time you spring to your feet and race off towards the mess of hallways and storerooms that made up the bulk of the back of the museum.

"Wha? Hey! That's not very nice you know! Making me look like an idiot! That's not how you treat a lady!"

You can hear the draconequus hollering after your retreating form. No time for a witty retort. You just focus on running. You barrel around a corner and make for the nearest room you can find. Not caring what the room might be you throw the door open and hide inside, slumping against the door in exhaustion. Seems it was an old office. There were countless cobwebs everywhere and a layer of dust coating everything. Taking a deep breath you try and collect yourself. Hopefully she wouldn't find you. Not like she knew the layout of the museum. She'd get lost on the same-y corridors.

"Now I can see what Twilight meant about these draconequus'. They're...fruitcakes. Just what was she gonna do to me...?"

"You always talk to yourself? S'bad habit, dude."

"Yeah, Twilight...tells...me..." You freeze and slowly crane your head upwards.

And looking down at you is the draconequus, with a big smile on her face. She didn't seem all that put off by the fact that she was sticking out of the door. Like she had...phased through it.

"Whaaaaaaaaah!" You scream and reach for the doorknob.

"Hey, whoa, wait a minute!" The head above is protesting something but you don't care and you swing the door open. "I said--ooof!"

You hear the thud as you scamper out of the room. Did you just...make her slam face-first into the wall? That wasn't going to help her mood... No time to worry about that now! Find another hiding place! Not that it really matters if she can phase through solid matter... Maybe she's like a cat or shark or something and that blow to the nose could mess with her senses?

WORKS FOR YOU

You sprint down another hallway and bust into another room through a set of double doors: the cafeteria. You glance around and see the place is empty. The other employees must have left just before...she woke up. You head to the kitchen to slip through another exit. Just as you get behind the counter you hear the double doors open. You quickly duck down and hide. Three guess as to who it is.

"I know you're in here!" Of course it's her. "That really hurt back there! My delicate little nose..."

You peek out from behind the counter and see her gently rubbing her nose with her lions paw. Almost...cute. Maybe if she wasn't set on doing...whatever it was she planning to do it would be anyways. You slide back under the counter and cautiously creep towards the ovens. You can hear the draconequus' footfalls lightly echoing off the floor. As long as she didn't head to the opposite end of the counter... As if she could read your thoughts you could hear her moving right to the other end.

"Shit..." You quietly curse and start to trek back the other way.

"Now where are you? Here maybe?" She looks under the counter and right at you. Thankfully it's pretty dark in the cafeteria right now so she doesn't see you.

"Hmm. Here then?"
You see her look inside a refrigerator. She doesn't actually use the handle though. She did that weird phase-thing again.

"Nope. Not there... Weirdo thing..." She waves her eagle's claw over the fridge and...it turned into potted plant with what looked like candy growing on it. "Much better."

Looking happy with herself the draconequus grabs a piece of the candy and pops it into her mouth.

"Mmm~ Caramel. Let's try...here!" Grabbing the ovens you were heading for she pushes them apart from one another like they were curtains. "Ah-ha! There--Oh. Not here either. Man...getting a little angry."

You don't want to see angry. Not if it's anything like before. As delicately as possible you begin to crawl back towards the double doors. Just a few more feet... Almost there... You get to your feet; reach for the handle and...

"There you are~"

Of course.

Her sing-song voice comes from behind. You turn around and see the draconequus coolly striding towards you. Her claw is crackling again.

"I'm a little upset with all this running. So I think I'll just blast you here and now." She raises her claw to you, and that smirk from earlier comes back.

Think, think, think, think, think!

She won't fall for the same trick twice. There has to be something you-- Wait... What's that smell?

"W-Wait!" You put up your hands as if they could stop whatever she was going to send your way.

"Oh, puh-leaze. Like I'm gonna fall for that again. Do I look stupid?"

"No, really, wait! Don't you smell that? It's gas!"

"...Gas? What is...gas?"

Seriously?

"You...You don't know what gas is? It's, uh, well, look I can't give you the long of it! Just don't blast me with anything! Who knows what it could do to the gas!"

The draconequus mulls over the idea. She purses her lips and taps her chin. Finally, she nods to herself. Does that mean?

"Yeah, no. Not tricking me again. Hot stuff comin' your way!" She fires whatever energy was building in her claw.

You're already past the doors at this point. You can hear her laughing before you notice the hallway is getting very hot. A gigantic explosion rocks the museum. The double doors' flying off the hinges and a massive fireball screams out from the cafeteria. The force of it all punts you through the air head over heels before violently coming to a stop when you smash into a wall at the far end of the hallway. You're swimming for a few moments before your head gets clear and you pry yourself from the wall.

Impressive imprint you made...
Wiping the soot from your face you carefully walk back towards the ruined cafeteria. The fire still raging prevents you from getting any closer, but there's no sign of the draconequus.

"Damn... Oh well, I did warn her. Too bad, she was kinda cute." You bow your head for a moment of silence. "And the moments passed. Time for me to get the hell outta here."

You start down the blacked hallway, partly relived this is over and partly sad to see the draconequus vaporize herself. As you walk you swear you can hear...coughing.

No way.

You duck around a corner and look back to the inferno. She just couldn't. A vague shape starts to form on the other side of the flames. But that's... Sauntering out of the fire was draconequus. Dirty with soot and looking more agitated then before but there she was in one piece.

"Is she freaking indestructible?!"

With an annoyed expression on her face the draconequus licked the thumb and forefinger of her lions paw and used it to put out a small flame that had caught on her hair.

"Ok. So, he was right about the gas stuff. I learned something today. I should return the favor..."

That claw sparked up again. That was your que.

With the fire and general havoc going on you managed to slip out of the museum without further incident. You walk across the simple courtyard of the museum and contemplate things. Namely, how this incident was totally going to be blamed on you... You just know it. Maybe you should be equally worried about the draconequus though. You did release her. Do you have some sort of responsibility for her?

...

Nope.

But...ugh, she could hurt someone with that temper of hers. Not to mention those powers. But how could you stand up to her?

"No. More. Running."

Such. Poor. Timing.

You spin around and see the draconequus floating in the air not far from you. She's glaring at you. Why do you feel like apologizing all of a sudden? She gently hovers downward until she's right in front of you though she's...shrunk? She's eye to eye with you now instead of lumbering over you.

"Well? Any more tricks or excuses? Gonna run?" It almost sounded like...she didn't want you to run, and not for the obvious reasons.

"N-No. I'm...not gonna run." A look of genuine surprise flashed across the draconequus' face.

"Are you...standing up to me?"

"Uh...yes? I mean, yeah, I am. Dunno HOW I could even consider it with you being so powerful, but if you plan on leavin' here to terrorize Ponyville; my home, you can think again."

"And where did this...bravery come from?" Good fucking question lady. "Well... In that case..."
Now her whole body was crackling and sparking with energy and power. And she had returned to her giant size. This was it... You clamp your eyes shut and wait for the pain...

Pffffffffftttttttttbbbbbbbbbhhhhhh

A...balloon deflating noise?

You crack your eyes open and she the draconequus has shrunk back down to being eye-level with you. And she looks...happy?

What?

No really, what?

"Boy, that was fun!" She had her arms behind her head and looked the picture of casual and cool. "You can settle down now, dude. I'm not gonna hurt you. I was just teasing."

"Teasing? That...was teasing? You...You are..."

"Eris."

"Eris?"

"My name? Duh." Your head. Your poor head. "Heheheh. I know I just woke up and all, but I'm getting kinda sleepy. So...goodnight." With a simple and polite bow Eris melted into the ground and vanished.

You were speechless. And the world was getting very blurry now. You grabbed at your aching head and tried to get your balance but your knees had other plans. They buckled under you and you fell onto your back. The night sky was overhead, beautiful and dotted with stars.

That's it...

This had to be a dream. A crazy dream. So...tired...just rest...your eyes for a minute. You'd wake up in bed soon enough. And then you could tell this nutty story to Twilight and everyone. And everyone would laugh and laugh.

Yeah.

What a out-there dream, they would say...

----


"...nymous! Anonymous! Please, wake up!"

"Twi...light? What...happened?" Twilight was hovering over you with tears in her eyes. She didn't answer the question instead she tightly hugged you and sniffled into your shoulder.

"Anonymous I was so worried! I thought...you were... But you're not! You're alive!"

"I...won't be for much longer if you...don't let me breathe..." You were turning the same shade of purple as the unicorn.

"Oh! Sorry!" Twilight lets you go and you gasp for air.

"S'okay Twi, but what the hell am I doing out here?"

"That's what I want to know! I heard this terrible rumble coming from this direction last night and I rushed over. When I arrived I saw you passed out here on the ground and the museum was on fire!"

Rumble? Fire?

"I was just out here? How long was I out? I mean, the sun is already up."

"I don't have a clue. I was here with you all night though, along with the firefighters and some paramedics."

"Thanks Twilight." You hug her again and she sniffles a little.

"You're welcome. But can you remember anything from before?

"I...remember being in the cafeteria. And gas, I think."

"Gas? Oh my--There must have been a gas leak! You must have smelled it and ran from the museum before the fire started. You're lucky to be alive!" Gas explosion? Yeah... That made sense. "Gas -can- affect the memory. No wonder you don't recall much."

But what about...Eris? Was she real?

"Twilight, what about the draconequus statue? The one that arrived last night?"

"It's too bad... It looks like it was destroyed in the fire. All they found was pieces of rock."

Destroyed? So...Eris was just a dream? An illusion caused by gas? Funny how the mind puts things together.

"Well, thanks again purplemagic, for lookin' out for me. But now all I want is to go home."

"Can't say I blame you. I'll walk you home."

"Nah, that's ok. You were with me all night. You should go home yourself."

"But I'm not--" Twilight loudly yawns. And then covers a blush.

"See?"

"Ok, ok, I'll go home myself. But you be careful, Anonymous. Don't need you collapsing again."

"Right, right." You pat the unicorn on the head and start off towards your humble home, not more than a 20 minute walk into Ponyville.

"Oh! Anonymous, I forgot to tell you the fire chief will be by your place later to talk about the fire. Don't forget, alright?"

You gave her a little wave, letting her know message received. You couldn't wait to get home and crawl into an actual bed. Then you could spend the rest of the day worrying about what you were going to do for a job and beating arson charges.

Terrific.

As you walk through the streets of Ponyville you think back to Eris--to the draconequus. That was...some dream. You can even remember her voice and her face. The pretty face with the fetching red eyes and cute smile with the adorable fang longer than the other. And that voice was...well, putting it bluntly it was sex. She practically fucked your ear holes every time she spoke.

You shake your head.

Ok, enough thinking about the dream girl. She didn't even exist. Focus on the important things; like the rent you won't be able to pay next month. You sigh heavily. So it was either delusional thoughts or depressing ones. Easy to decide which one then...

With a slight grunt you push the door to your home open. Damn door always stuck. You go to the kitchen to get a drink before heading up to bed. You grab a bottle of milk out of the refrigerator and start to chug it. You eye the oven warily

"Stop being paranoid..." You put the bottle back in the fridge and groggily trudge upstairs.

You push the door to your bedroom open and smile.

Bed. Sweet, wonderful bed.

The only love you'll ever need. That comfy and plush bitch. You kick off your shoes, not bothering with taking off your socks or any other articles of clothes. That can wait for when you wake up. With a blissful smile on your face you pull the sheets back on your bed and turn to stone.

Not literally, but you frozen in place. Smile and all.

Lying there on your bed was...Eris. She was snoring softly and curled up almost like a cat. She...even pawed at something gingerly. Still in shock you fail to notice that Eris has opened her eyes ever so slightly. Like a child she rubs at the sleep in her eyes and stretches. Letting loose with a yawn to boot.

"Well, good morning." Even just woken up with hair a mess and dozy eyes her voice was still...

"I...I...I...You...You're real." You finally snap out of it and stumble backwards a bit.

"Course I am. What? Did you think I was some kind of...dream girl?" Your jaw is on the floor. Giggling to herself Eris crawled to the foot of the bed and looked up at you with those red eyes of hers. "This is no dream, dude."

She playfully slapped your jaw back into place.

"Face it, tiger...you just hit the jackpot!"

Author's Note:

You may have noticed I happen to mention Eris's voice a fair deal, well, that's because I naturally have a headcannon voice for her, that being the wonderful Olivia Olson aka the voice of Marceline from Adventure Time. Just something to keep in mind when you read Eris's dialogue.

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