• Published 5th Mar 2014
  • 7,776 Views, 156 Comments

The Golden Apple - Zombie Overlord Kog



The old saying goes "Be careful what you wish for". Anon learns that the hard way when he has to deal with Eris and all the chaos she brings.

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Chapter 2: Jackpot of Crazy

"Jackpot?! Lady, you tried to kill me!"

Eris rolled onto her back and wagged her tail just a bit. She grinned just slightly.

"Told you, I was just playing." She batted at the hem of your t-shirt.

"In that case you play way, -way- too rough."

You smack at her...hands? Claws? Whatever. You smacked them away from your shirt. Eris pouts, but it's quickly replaced by a smirk. Flapping her differing wings Eris floated up from your bed meeting you at eye-level, though she was upside-down now. She just hovered there, not saying a word just...smirking.

"What?"

"What?"

"Seriously Eris, what are you doing?"

"Seriously Eris, what are you doing?"

Cute. Not.

"Come on, knock it off."

"Come on knock it off."

Did she think this was funny? You smirk back at her and flick her on the nose. She squeaked in surprise and dropped down to the floor.

"That's not funny! It's still sensitive!" Eris rubbed her nose and huffed.

Oh right... You did kind of slam her face into a wall. Totally her fault though. Shouldn't have phased through the damn door and scared--startled you. Still huffing Eris fluttered to her, uh, feet and glared at you.

"You're lucky you're cu--" Whatever she was going to say was cut by a sudden, quick knocking on your front door.

"Shit!" You curse aloud as you wonder who it could possibly be. Wait...

FIRE CHIEF

"SHIT!"

Eris looks confused at the outburst but you don't give her a chance to say anything.

"You!" You pointed at her in an overdramatic fashion. Eris playfully pointed at herself and mouthed the word 'me?' "Stay here. Do. Not. Do. Anything. Funny."

She was about to protest but you were already flying down the stairs to answer the persistent knocking. With a deep, claming breathe you steady yourself and put on your best fake smile and open the door.

"Hello!"

Scale back on the cheery.

You clear your throat and adjust the volume. "I mean, -ahem-, hello there. Can I, uh, can I help you?"

Standing there was an older stallion with an arched eyebrow. He was an old, grizzled bastard from the looks of it. His mane was buzzed short and straight, with steely gray running up into the jet black from the trimmed sideburns. His coat looked like leather, both in color and most likely feel. The scowl on his face looked like it had been there for years. And his cutie mark resembled an alarm-bell. This was all rounded-out by the crisp white collared dress shirt and black tie.

"Yes... I'm looking for a Mr. Anonymous." Gah, his voice was like chucks of hot asphalt and broken glass.
>You could feel your spine breaking.

"Um, I'm Mr. Anonymous." With that question answered the stallion wasted no time in brushing past you and into your home. "Uh, come in?"

"I assume you know why I'm here, Mr. Anonymous."

Oh, you had an idea.

"I think so Mr..." You motion towards the stallion, him having forgone giving his name right away.

"Five Alarm; Ponyville fire chief."

"Chief Five Alarm, then." He grunts curtly and proceeds to stare you down.

"I'll be blunt Mr. Anonymous you are under suspicion of arson. Care to convince me otherwise?"

"Well I--FUCK." You slap you hand over your mouth as you see Eris drift down from out of the ceiling and behind the chief.

The chief is obviously confused and peeks behind himself only to see nothing. Eris melted into the floor a second before. But the moment he turned back to face you she popped back up behind him again. Grinning like a fool. She... Just what is she going to do?!

"I mean, excuse me, chief I...er, never mind. Thought I saw a spider. A big one. A big -annoying- one."

"Yes... Indeed, but please, your statement."

"R-Right..."

You tell the events as best as you can remember. And by that you mean you lie through your teeth. And all the while Eris is making funny faces and mocking the chief behind his back. You are giving her a death-glare which only makes her grin harder. After a few minutes you're done telling the chief your half-truth.

"Hmm, I see. You're lucky to be alive, young col--man. But be careful at your next place of employment, you hear? Keep away from ovens."

You nervously laugh as Chief Five-Alarm begins trotting to the door to let himself out. Eris continues to make faces and tries to get under you skin. At the last moment the chief swings around and Eris zips back into the ceiling.

"Have a nice day, Mr. Anonymous."

You gulp hard and give a shaky nod. And then he leaves without another word. You dash to a nearby window and watch him walk off for awhile. Once he's out of sight you heave a sigh of relief before you feel your blood pressure skyrocket.

"ERIS!"

Tittering like a schoolgirl Eris drifted down from the ceiling before bursting into full guffawing. Holding her sides she wriggled in the air and cackled.

"What was that about you crazy snake-thing!"

Wiping a tear away Eris did her best to stop laughing. "Hee hee hee, it was just too good an opportunity to pass up!"

You groan and ground your face into your palm.

"Name's Anonymous huh."

"What?"

"Your name. You never told me before. Rude much?"

"Uh, didn't I?"

"Come on, it was funny. Admit it, Anon." casually, Eris floated over to you and draped herself over your shoulder.

She absentmindedly draws little circles on your cheek. Well...it was kind of funny. If it wasn't such a serious accusation! In slight aggravation you pull Eris off your shoulders and stomp off to the couch.

"Look Eris, that was serious. THIS is serious. I can't explain you away easily. What would have happened if he saw you? Draconequus' aren't exactly common, you know."

Rolling her eyes Eris sauntered over to the couch and took a seat next to you.

"You worry to much, dude."

"Something tells me you don't worry enough..." Eris giggles at what's most likely a dead-on assumption.
"Seriously Eris, this is a big problem for me, You could at least try to empathize."

"...Emp-whatnow?"

You groan and slump into the couch a little more. You've known Eris all of 10 minutes and you could already tell that was a very Eris thing to say.

"Need to relax, Anon. Kick back and enjoy things."

"Easy for you to say, what with magic powers and god-knows-what else."

"Yeah, kinda is. Hee hee."

Why was Eris being so nice anyways? Fact was, she -did- try to kill you. Teasing or not. And now she's all chummy. Women; no matter what species they're confusing. Though better sweet than blast-happy. You were to tired to think on the mysteries of female behavior. You needed sleep. Peaceful sleep, not I-blacked-out-due-to-stress-sleep. You rub your face and get up from the couch.

"Hey. Where are you going?"

"To bed. I'm exhausted."

"Oooh. Hmm, I'll join you."

"Ok. ...Wait. What?" Your tiredness must be affecting your hearing.

"I said I'll join you. The bed is comfy~"

"You won't take no for an answer I'll bet."

"How did you know?" Eris gasped and acted shocked.

You just roll your tired eyes and head back upstairs with Eris tittering behind you.

"Now, you've been in my bed already so you know how small it is. So, do me a favor and don't kick me out when you sleep or something."

"I would never. I'm like a statue when I sleep."

If she was still a statue you wouldn't be in this mess to begin with... Groaning you climb into bed and Eris does the same. You fall asleep the moment your head hits the pillow. Your dreams are utter nonsense. Something about Eris dressed like a pirate. And Applejack was a cop of some sort. Rainbow Dash was...a bashful, shy mess and Twilight was a nutty, mad scientist type. Utter nonsense. Well, except for maybe that last bit with Twilight... Your dream is interrupted by another round of knocking coming from downstairs.

"Ugh... What now..." You mumbled into your pillow and glanced at the alarm clock on the night stand.

It read 7:15.

Oh boy you really overslept. You throw off the covers and try and swing your legs over the edge of the bed only to tumble out of the bed completely. You land with a dull thud, and quiet curse, on the floor. You look down at your legs and see that...Eris had coiled around you partially. ...Sweet fuck, that is adorable.

NO.

Don't be fooled by this insanely cute display. She could have been trying to eat you alive while you were asleep. Well... Probably not. But you can't be too careful! With a grunt of effort you try and free yourself from Eris' tight squeeze. Good god, she's wound around you tightly... You pull till you're red in the face. You haven't as much as budged an inch. Crazy snake-thing... Eris is snoring loudly, drool dribbling out of her mouth and onto the floor. She's completely oblivious to your plight. You had a feeling even if she was awake she'd be oblivious... You grunt and strain against the coils and finally one leg pops free. You nearly belted yourself in the face with your knee but you're free. After the first leg the other was easily removed from the constricting clutches of Eris. ...It -was- kinda nice to be bundled up like that though...

You hold your face in your hands and sigh. You don't remember having a bondage kink earlier in life. The knocking from downstairs snaps you out your stupid thoughts. Stupid, stupid thoughts... You hobble downstairs to answer the door, grumbling under your breathe about a number of things. In your sleep-haze you don't recognize that it's Twilight standing there in the doorway until she waves a hoof in front of your face.

"Hello, Anonymous? Anyone home in there?"

"Oh, Twi. Uh, hey. What's up? What's goin' on?"

"You ok Anonymous? You seem out of it."

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, 'M'fine. I was just sleepin'. Come in."

Twilight trots in and thanks you. You shamble into the kitchen for a drink to wake you up. Unfortunately, pony sodas lacked the amount of caffeine you were accustomed to but they got the job done. You grabbed a bottle of Dr. Whooves from the fridge and cracked it open, guzzling the contents in one big gulp.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp

"Charming." Twilight chided from the living room.

"You thought it was plenty funny before."

You could just tell she rolled those big purple eyes of hers right then. You walk back into your living room to see Twilight seated on the couch. You join her, giving her a quick pat on the head.

"So what's the troubles, bubbles?"

"Well, I was curious if the fire chief came by and if he did how it went."

You explained to the unicorn that she didn't have to worry about visiting you behind plate-glass anytime soon. She heaved a sigh of relief.

"Thank goodness. I was worried all day today. But that makes what -I- have to say all the happier though."

"And what's that?"

"Get cleaned up and presentable, Anonymous. We're going to a party."

"A what-now?"


"A party. Parties are a social gathering to which people are invited in order to enjoy themselves and often celebrate something."

"Charming."

"You thought it was before." You couldn't help but chuckle when Twilight smirked and fired back with the same line you just used.

"So when? Like tomorrow? A week from now?"

"Did you not hear me when I said get dressed? Pinkie's starting the party in an hour."

"Oh. ... An hour?!" You bolted upright off the couch.

"That's right, an hour. Why in the world are you freaking out?"

LIE

LIE LIKE THE WIND

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuh, I'm...not freaking out. It's just...my...pants, are dirty? Yeah, that should work."

"Uh...huh. You mean to tell me you have nothing clean to wear?"

Twilight arched an eyebrow over the BS story.

"Yeeeeees?"

You are the master. The Lie Master. Fear the Lie Master.

"Riiiiight. I find that hard to believe. Very hard to believe."

The Lie Kingdom is coming down around the Lie Master ears! Soon, the head of the Lie Master would be paraded through the streets on a wooden spike...

"Weeeeeell, it's the truth. I can't go to a par-tay with nothin' to wear. Rarity would pitch a fit sooooooo..."

Twilight was stone-faced. You could feel the sweat beading up on your forehead. You gulped hard and put on your best smile.

"I'm going upstairs to find you something. The fire and gas -obviously- did something to that brain of yours." Twilight hopped off the couch and made for the stairs.

You bolted in front of her like a bat out of hell.

"Nononononononono, that's ok."

"Anonymous, seriously, you are acting bizarre right now."

You can only imagine... But you can't let purplesmart upstairs to find...her.

"You know what Twilight, you're right. I'm positive I have something decent to throw on. It just slipped my mind. I'll, uh, go get ready now. See you in an hour, kay?"

"Well, I can just wait--" You didn't give Twilight the chance to finish, you practically shoving her out the door. "Anonymous, what are you doing?! Stop pushing!"

SLAM

"SeeyouinanhourTwibye!" You shouted through the door and waited for Twilight to walk off.

She mumbled something about humans and you could hear the clops of her hooves moving away from your place. You sighed and pushed off the door, running a hand through your hair at the same time. FanTAStic. A party. You had to make an appearance. It wasn't up for debate. The last time you didn't show up to one of Pinkie's parties she sulked for 3 weeks straight. But that would mean leaving Eris unattended, the crux of this whole issue. That had disaster and catastrophe written all over it. Although...maybe she was sleeping? She looked like she was sleeping like the dead when you last saw her. Yeah... Yeah, that's it! You'll get spruced up, go to the party for like an hour or two, and be back before she wakes up. It's bulletproof!

"Mmm, I heard party. Eris likes to party-hearty. I can move these hips like you wouldn't believe."

RAINING FUCKING BULLETS WAS NOW THE FORECAST

Metaphorically, of course.

Eris came floating down from the ceiling again, rocking what passed for hips back and forth.

"No way in hell."

"Wha?"

"You ain't going to -any- party. Ain't no way, ain't no how."

"Oh, is that a fact?" Eris narrowed her eyes at you.

You gulped hard again. Easy Anonymous, easy. Eris -seemed- to responded positively to being stood up to. Like back at the museum. Or maybe that was all a ploy. Hell if you knew.

"Y-Yeah, that's a fact. Nothing's changed, Eris. I can't let you just party in town because you feel like it. You. Are. A. Secret. Here. Now, I'm going to go to this party but only for a little bit, ok? Please, -PLEASE-, don't do anything...foolish while I'm gone."

Eris hadn't taken her eyes off you during your whole take, nor did she say a word. The way she could switch between cute and cold was a little unnerving. You walked past her to get upstairs, expecting at any moment for her to sink that one long fang into your neck. But that never happened. Feeling a shiver run up your spine once you were in your bedroom, you grabbed some clean clothes and readied a shower.

"No one tells me what to do... We'll just see about this little party, Anon..."

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