• Member Since 28th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Mar 19th, 2014

Gingery


E

Fluttershy has a perfect life. But she longs for love. She meets the stallion of her dreams and is so excited that she wants everypony to know. But he insists to be a secret from everypony. Lately she has been going missing too many times from her friends and they are starting to get worried. Little does she know that he has his own secret. Will he tell her and risk losing her or will she find out on her own? And why is Luna appearing so often in ponyville looking for "something"?

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 4 )

And he wouldn't act that nice, he would demand his food until fluttershy gave it to him.

@Gingery...

1. Since this is your first fan-fiction, I can be lenient and offer some friendly commentary.

2. Angel Bunny... As was already mentioned, Angel is male. Though as a counter-point, while Angel generally acts like a spoiled brat when Fluttershy is well, he is also very protective of his owner; so it would not be outside the borders of the reader believability for Angel to help out when Fluttershy is un-well. However, you have to portray the first before you portray the second, and portray both in great detail.

2. PoV's & Descriptive Writing... As a general writing rule, you want to avoid statements. Saying "Fluttershy's PoV" is a writing negative, it is the equivalent of the Author coming out from behind the literary curtain and saying, "This is how the fan-fiction is supposed to be! And pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" Rather obviously, this kills the reader immersion into the story.

Be descriptive, the reader should be able to see and know your intent of the scene by how you describe things in your storytelling. When writing, start with a statement in your head, but then from that statement in your head, paint a vivid picture, with words, for the readers to see in detail.

Here is an example of how to tell the reader audience that it is Fluttershy's PoV, without saying it is Fluttershy's PoV...

I stretched my wings wide, taking in the sunlight that shone bright and warm through the window of my tree-home cottage. I smiled as my animals scampered about, full of energy on this beautiful day.

A light thumping upon my hind leg told me that my Angel Bunny was becoming impatient for his breakfast. Brushing my long hair back with a hoof, I turned to the kitchen to find some vegetables...

See the difference? Describe the details, and the reader audience will figure it out on their own, drawing the reader into your story.

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

3. While it is not a enough to ruin your fan-fiction outright, you do have many technical writing errors (spelling, grammar, format, tense, etc.). I advise finding and recruiting an Editor &/or Proofreader(s).

For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group

As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
.

4. Your story-premise is fine, but your writing (both technical & storytelling) need improvement work.

Hope this helps.

Sorry I just fixed the angel problem and a few grammar mistakes.

Login or register to comment