Fluttershy's prince

by Gingery

Not so normal day

''What a beautiful morning" I say softly to Angel. He rolls his eyes and points at my window, where it was raining softly. " I know it's raining, which means more water for your carrots". Angel licks his lips in anticipation." But they still won't be ready for another two weeks. Come on we still have work to do". I put up my soft blue umbrella and go outside.

The raindrops patter quietly on the trees creating a melody. I sigh in content. I was just about to go to AJ's farm for apples when a breezy catches my eye. 'I can't believe it the rarest most cutest creature in all of the world is right in front of me'. It floats into the Everfree forest. I decide to follow it. It was a sky blue color with big dark blue eyes staring cutely at me. The time passes quickly when one is with somepony so adorable! When it drifted out of my sight, I realize that I'm deep into the forest. The trees casting dark shadows over everything. My breath quickens and my eyes widen in terror. I panic, going left and right in search for a clearing. I gallop towards my guessed path only to find the trees getting denser. I go the other way only to find the trees getting denser again. I go round in circles for hours, getting desperate and cold. I collapse on the grass-defeated, scared out of my mind and very alone. I start to cry. My tear-stained face shimmering in the moon light. I look at the moon and in tiredness from all the running I fall into a deep sleep. And dream...

Dream

I'm in a field. All is calm and simple. Until I decide to explore my dream land. I walk on a neat cobblestone path looking at the amazing resemblance of the real world. But at long last I get to a fork in the road. I check the sigh and it says:
'Beware for your choice is great and you can't choose another fate. Will you risk it all for love or will you stay safe and snug?'. I sat down near a beautiful waterfall and thought about it. Until..

I woke up from somepony shaking me awake. I looked up and saw that all of my friends were looking at me worried. I tried to tell them I was fine, but I felt too hungry and weak to say anything at all and went into deep unconsciousness.

"Is she going to be okay?" I heard RD ask.

" Yes, she just fainted." I heard the nurse reply.

"Exactly! When she fell she could have hurt her head on that flower and have amnesia. Oh no! She won't remember us, her life, her name and even how to walk! And if she can't walk then she couldn't go anywhere and she would have to stay home all day until she would remember and she'd miss my get well party!!!'' Pinkie screamed.

"Don't worry sugarcube, I'm sure she's all fine an' dandy" AJ said. I decide to open my eyes. I find out that I'm in a bed, probably at the hospital with all of my friends talking with concern written all over their faces.

"Hi.." I whispered. Everypony's attention turned to me. I blushed a light pink. "And don't worry Pinkie I won't miss your party. I bet it'll be wonderful''. Pinkie smiled at the comment.

"Why did we find you in the Everfree forest, Fluttershy?" asked Twilight.

"Umm.. I was following a breezy" I explained" I know I shouldn't have, but it could've gotten hurt or worse, I'm sorry I made you worry". I looked down at my hooves in shame.

"That's alright, but next time try to be a little more careful, Ok?" she replied.

"Alright" I signed.

"Enough talking! Tomorrow is hearts and hooves day!! AAHHH! And I'm going to make the biggest, bestest hearts and hooves day party EVER!!! Ok I'm thinking - heart shaped balloons, pink streamers, a BIG strawberry cake with raspberry frosting and chocolate sprinkles!! Ok I'm going to need help for this big party. Not to mention the eight o'clock sunset and the games.. It's going to be pinktacular!!!!!" shouted on Pinkie in excitement. I quietly rolled my eyes at her.

I went outside. "Um.. I'm going to go home..if that's alright of course"

"Sure thing, bye!" said RD. And she flew away with her mane glittering in the sunshine.

'I completely forgot about hearts and hooves day, I have to make Valentines for all of my friends and critters'. I walked home, thinking about if they needed extra food tonight, because they missed dinner and breakfast. I got home and found that my door was opened. I looked inside my dark house.

"Hello.." I whispered. I turned on the lights and saw Angel. He looked at me and crossed his arms. "I'm sorry Angel, I just got lost in the forest". He came up to me and pointed at hIS belly. " I understand that your hungry so I'll make a salad for you". He frowned and pointed to the carrot cake recipe on the shelf. Too tired to argue, I made the carrot cake for Angel and all my adorable critters and got all my critters in bed.

After I went outside and sat on a soft patch of grass. I looked at the stars. They were twinkling especially bright this evening. As if just for me. I smiled at the beautiful sky and made a wish that I would remember this moment.

I woke up to a blinding sunrise. After getting used to all of the sunshine, I gasped at the amazing sight. It was baby pink, orange with dashes of red, sprinkled with the leftover magenta from the night sky. 'What perfect way to start hearts and hooves day'. Since it was only six in the morning I decided to make my Valentines early. I went inside to get the pink paper, purple paints and scissors. I sat down at my desk in the corner of my room and started cutting out hearts, roses and blossoms. On each it wrote how much that pony means to me. I sealed them in light pink envelopes and delivered them myself.

'I hope I get love someday..' I thought 'I love my life, home and friends, but I wish their could be somepony who would always love me for who I am and me - back. Oh stop Fluttershy, your sounding just like Rarity, not that it's a bad thing, just very dramatic'. 'I wonder if this hearts and hooves day will be more romantic....'.

Author's Note:

Hey! This is my first story so no flames please. Pretty please? Any way I'll update every week. Hope you enjoyed!

Comments

[Glowing Ember]

Angels a boy...

[Glowing Ember]

And he wouldn't act that nice, he would demand his food until fluttershy gave it to him.

[pendrake72]

@Gingery...

1. Since this is your first fan-fiction, I can be lenient and offer some friendly commentary.

2. Angel Bunny... As was already mentioned, Angel is male. Though as a counter-point, while Angel generally acts like a spoiled brat when Fluttershy is well, he is also very protective of his owner; so it would not be outside the borders of the reader believability for Angel to help out when Fluttershy is un-well. However, you have to portray the first before you portray the second, and portray both in great detail.

2. PoV's & Descriptive Writing... As a general writing rule, you want to avoid statements. Saying "Fluttershy's PoV" is a writing negative, it is the equivalent of the Author coming out from behind the literary curtain and saying, "This is how the fan-fiction is supposed to be! And pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" Rather obviously, this kills the reader immersion into the story.

Be descriptive, the reader should be able to see and know your intent of the scene by how you describe things in your storytelling. When writing, start with a statement in your head, but then from that statement in your head, paint a vivid picture, with words, for the readers to see in detail.

Here is an example of how to tell the reader audience that it is Fluttershy's PoV, without saying it is Fluttershy's PoV...

I stretched my wings wide, taking in the sunlight that shone bright and warm through the window of my tree-home cottage. I smiled as my animals scampered about, full of energy on this beautiful day.

A light thumping upon my hind leg told me that my Angel Bunny was becoming impatient for his breakfast. Brushing my long hair back with a hoof, I turned to the kitchen to find some vegetables...

See the difference? Describe the details, and the reader audience will figure it out on their own, drawing the reader into your story.

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

3. While it is not a enough to ruin your fan-fiction outright, you do have many technical writing errors (spelling, grammar, format, tense, etc.). I advise finding and recruiting an Editor &/or Proofreader(s).

For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group

As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
.

4. Your story-premise is fine, but your writing (both technical & storytelling) need improvement work.

Hope this helps.

[Gingery]

Sorry I just fixed the angel problem and a few grammar mistakes.