Applejack, And Big McIntosh Searche's for Babs Seed, And Apple Bloom In The Everfree Forest After They Leave The Apple Family Reunion To Spend More Time Together but find themselves in a bit of trouble after they get lost in the forest and cant find there way back to the Apple Reunion.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Congrats Applejack 40 on getting your story published and thank for the shout out it's the first one i've ever got
5/5 mustaches
3881019 Thanks Fluttershy2424 That Meaens alot
(Just going to combine my review of both chapters into this)
Well, this is an interesting story! I particularly like the way you started off with the same slice-of-life style presented in Apple Family Reunion, but then subverted the genre into an ominous, adventure in the second chapter. You really play with the readers' expectations, which is always good for keeping the audience engaged, and I love seeing that in literature. The story itself shined in that respect; I think the only fault I found was that it was never really explained why Babs and Applebloom went to the Everfree Forest. Sure, they were trying to get some time alone, but couldn't they have hid in a remote part of the apple orchard? Of course, you could make up a number of perfectly acceptable reasons, so there's nothing too glaringly wrong, just a little more explanation would have been nice. As for characterization, it's good. There's not too much of it, but of course, it'll develop throughout the story, so I'm not too concerned. Ultimately, I'll say that like your sister, your greatest area for improvement is the technical side. It's an easily fixed problem, but one that can take a story from good to great.
So yeah, in conclusion, this story has a lot of potential, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes!
3885201 Thanks I Really Appreciate You Reading My Story And If You Have Any Ideas How I Could Explain Why They Went To The Everfree Forest Instead Of Somewhere Else It Would Really Help Me Out.
Hmm... what to say?
First things first, let me just say that—despite the next few things I say—I really am enjoying the story so far.
However, this story could stand a few more edits. There were periods and apostrophes missing, and spelling errors were interspersed throughout. They detracted from what would have otherwise been a good story. If you read through it to catch some of those errors, the story would be that much better for it.
Either way, the effort is still there. I'll give you a favorite and a follow.
3891099 Thanks Avox and I will be sure to read it over.