• Published 2nd Feb 2014
  • 9,340 Views, 287 Comments

To Woo a Princess - The Abyss

Discord has always had a thing for Princess Twilight. Unable to resist Twilight's bookish charm, he tries to woo her but she won't have any of it.

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This has to Work

“But Twilight,” Discord whined, laying next to her. “Why not? I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t go on a date!”

They were inside the library, having just returned from seeing Princess Cadence off at the train station. Even though he had tried his hardest, he had been unable to make Twilight laugh throughout his stay, much less make her like him. He’d done all sorts of goofy things, but she had never even cracked a true smile at him.

“We’re perfect for each other! Just look at us: you have your alicorny powers, and I’m the god of chaos! What’s there not to like?” He sat down in front of her, putting his best charming smile to work. “We’d be unstoppable!

“Ugh! No, Discord, I do NOT want to go out with you! What makes you even think that I would want to?”

“Well, my little Twilight, it’s just that I get quite lonely nowadays. Out of everypony here, you always see through my ruses; no one has been able to do that before. Well, scratch that. Celestia and Luna were the only ones besides you that saw my acts for what they were: desperate acts for attention! Besides, do you see any other draconequi around? I sure don’t, so that leaves me with only one option: to look for love elsewhere.”

“But why me?” Twilight groaned. She had dragged him all across Equestria with Cadence all to just get one stupid flower to make him feel better. Turns out it had all been for naught, as Discord had gotten infected with some mysterious disease as soon as they were about to leave. And to top it all off, he’d demanded that he be flown back to Ponyville on his massive golden chariot. Thoroughly exhausted, she had seen Cadence off and went back home, hoping to get some shut-eye. Apparently, with Discord’s incessant pestering, that wasn’t going to happen.

“Because you’re you! You’re powerful, probably even more powerful than Celestia, and you’re witty; I like that!”

“But we aren’t even the same species!” Twilight exclaimed, getting in Discord’s face.

“Since when has that stopped Spike from vying for Rarity’s heart?”

“I… I don’t– Wait, why are we talking about Spike? Leave him out of this!”

“Alrighty then, but would you at least give me a chance?” Discord asked. He made his irises form beating hearts and clasped his hands together, holding them up. “Please?”

“No! Stop pestering me!” Twilight exclaimed, stomping the floor for emphasis.

“Fine.” Discord let his shoulders slump in defeat. Putting on a sad face, he asked, “Can you at least truthfully answer me this, my princess?”

“Ugh…” Twilight knew she was going to regret her decision. “Fine, what is it?” she groaned, making her way towards the couch. She cast a germ-killing spell on it and lay down, making herself as comfortable as she could.

“What do you look for in a potential date? And if I find somepony that fits your exact specifications, would you go out with them?”

“Alright, I’ll play your little game. If you just so happen to randomly come across a stallion with a light gray coat, a short and nicely trimmed black mane, and a white tail tied down so that only the end is loose, I would go out with him.” She paused as she took a breath, her mind racing to think of more absurd details. Hehe, there’s no way that he’s gonna find somepony like that...

“Is that all, my princess?” Discord asked hopefully. Wow, this might actually work out… Can she really not see what I’m doing? “I’m sure that there is somepony just like that out there!”

“Actually, no, that’s not it at all!” Twilight grinned slyly. “He has to have a cutie mark with eight arrows on it, all of them a different color. They all have to be connected by a small circle, just behind the arrowhead, and it has to be black!” Hmm… what else… Ah! I know! “He has to have yellow eyes with red pupils, wings with feathers that are black on the edges and white on the area near the stems, and…” she trailed off as she brought a hoof to her muzzle, trying to think of more absurd details.

“And... what, my little princess?” Discord settled down, surrounding the couch with his serpentine body. Cocking an eyebrow, he patiently waited for her to continue, letting a silly smile form on his face.

“Annnnd… He has to have a light blue horn exactly two point three eight times longer than mine. Not an alicorn, mind you, but a pegasus that was also born with a unicorn horn.” There’s absolutely no way that someone like that exists anywhere out there… Twilight thought with a slight chuckle. “Oh, and a few more things!” She grinned smugly as she saw Discord roll his eyes. “He has to be slightly taller than me, but not so tall that he towers over me. Heh, it would be kind of awkward having to stand on my two hind legs just to kiss him!” She giggled at the absurd idea. “Let’s see… Ah! He should have a really deep voice and a strong jaw.”

“You done yet?” Discord asked, cocking an eyebrow. He wasn’t sure if Twilight was messing around, but she was going to be in for a good surprise when she finished her mental checklist for her perfect stallion.

“Uhh… nope!” Twilight glanced up as she thought on. “He umm… He has to be… Well, yeah, I guess that’s it! Good luck finding him!” Chuckling to herself, she grabbed a pillow and flipped over, letting her head fall upon the cushion.

“So… let me make sure I understand this completely,” Discord started, rubbing his hands together gleefully. “If somepony just like you described suddenly appears in the library, you would go out on a date with him?”

“Exactly…” came Twilight’s soft reply. She was worn out from her expedition with Cadence and Discord, and she desperately wanted to get some sleep. She heard a pop come from behind her, but she paid it no heed. Sleep was quickly taking ahold of her, and she was more than happy to let it have her.

“Well, hello there, ma’am.” A deep voice suddenly sounded from behind her, shocking Twilight so much that she leapt up and over the couch, taking cover behind it. A few moments later, she peeked out over the top and found exactly what she was dreading. Gah! How could I have fallen for something so stupid?!

Discord had assumed the stallion that she had just finished describing. He was smiling smugly and he had one of his eyebrows raised. “So, my princess…” Discord said in his new, deeper voice. He slowly stalked to where she was standing. “Dost thou remember thy promise?” With a sudden flourish of his horn, a small shimmering image popped up out of nowhere, showing Twilight agreeing to his terms.

“So… where do you want to go for our first date?”