• Published 2nd Feb 2014
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To Woo a Princess - The Abyss



Discord has always had a thing for Princess Twilight. Unable to resist Twilight's bookish charm, he tries to woo her but she won't have any of it.

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The First Date

“Are you serious?” Twilight asked in a dull tone. “You want to go where? And you want me to do what for you?” Her tone dripped with disdain.

“Oh, dear Twilight, I would love nothing more for our first date to be in the center of the Crystal Empire, just under the castle. Oh, and it would be absolutely wonderful if you could pull me in my golden chariot. We’d look so splendid; don’t you agree?”

“What makes you think I’d ever do that?”

“Because you just did,” Discord pointed out playfully. “You and your wonderful sister-in-law just flew me all across Equestria, and–”

“Listen, buster. You may have tricked me into going on a date with you, but I will not drag you around. Besides, if you really do have a legitimate interest in me, it wouldn’t be fitting having me pull you around like some common taxi. In fact, I think it’d be much more fitting if you dragged me around.” Twilight smirked.

“I see. Well, if you’d rather go on a simple date, that’s fine with me,” Discord said, chuckling as he saw Twilight roll her eyes. “We can stay here in Ponyville if you want. I’m sure all of your friends would just love to meet your new coltfriend.” He wagged his eyebrows at her, giving her a playful punch on the shoulder.

“You aren’t my coltfriend–”

“Yet,” Discord interjected playfully, a silly grin forming on his face.

“And my friends will not find out about our little arrangement.”

“Oh, I’m sure they will once they see us parading around! Just think; all of your friends and neighbors would be sooo jealous of my stunning good looks!”

“I– ugh…” Twilight moaned and shook her head. All of the back and forth banter was starting to give her a raging headache, and it took all of her strength not to snap. She ran a hoof over her face and suddenly realized something. She looked up and asked, “Hold on, aren’t you sick?” She hadn’t seen him cough or moan in a little while, making her think that he was faking it. She sure hoped he wasn’t, though, as it would give her the perfect way to escape this predicament.

“Oh, you mean all this?” Discord gestured at himself. He let the pale green color start to slip back ever so slightly, tinting his grey coat with multiple lighter colored freckles. “This was all just for fun, my dear Twilight.” Tapping his forehooves together, his coat flashed back to his usual gray color. “So anywho, let’s get back to my original question. Where would you like to go for our first date? Tea at a café, perhaps?”

“So, my princess, how is the tea?” Discord asked politely, raising his teacup up to take a sip. They were sitting at a small table at an outdoor café. “You haaave to try it; it is simply divine!” He gave his hoof a little twirl in the air for emphasis. He had chosen to remain in the form that Twilight had described, and the two of them had received many peculiar looks from passing townsponies as they had searched for a place to go eat. Much to Twilight’s displeasure, he had intentionally paraded them all over Ponyville, eventually settling on a small café just a block away from the library.

It felt as if he was showing her off to everypony, and Twilight didn’t like that at all. In fact, she had literally been a hair’s breadth away from teleporting away and leaving him standing in the middle of the road looking like a fool. She’d thought hard about it, but decided to bite the bit and deal with it. Besides, a deal was a deal, and if she was going to do something, she was going to do it right.

Looking up, she stared into Discord’s eyes, cocking an eyebrow. She looked down at the table and looked back up, giving her date a sour look when he gave a confused expression.

“What’s the matter, Twilight?” Discord asked worriedly, slightly lowering his teacup.

“Really?” Twilight asked bemusedly. “How do you not see the issue?” She gestured at her side of the table. Every time that Discord had gotten a new cup of tea, hers had somehow automatically turned into a literal letter “T”. Each one stood proud and tall on its own, as if they were all mocking her.

So far, the date had gone just as she had thought it would: horrible. Their waiter was absolutely terrified of serving them, and she wasn’t sure if it was because if they were serving an alicorn or the god of chaos. It also didn’t help that Discord had enchanted their napkins to flit about them, attacking anypony that came near, including their waiter.

Twilight looked inside the restaurant, spotting their waiter peeking around the corner. He was trembling, holding an empty platter up in front of him in a pathetic attempt to protect himself. She sighed and rolled her eyes, looking back at Discord. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, just like Cadence had taught her in dealing with situations such as these.

“Can we please let our waiter over to take our orders?” Twilight asked slowly, trying to keep her anger at bay. “I really don’t feel like shouting our order at him.” That wasn’t the only reason, though. The real reason why she didn’t want to yell was because she didn’t want to attract any more attention than was absolutely necessary.

“He can come over whenever he wants,” Discord calmly stated, finishing the last little bit of his tea. “He needs to; I need a refill…” Setting the fine piece of china down, he looked straight at the waiter and beckoned for him to come forward with a hoof.

Several seconds passed, making it seem as if he wasn’t going to emerge from his hiding spot. A moment later he cautiously crept forward, keeping the empty platter in place above his head. Hobbling forward on three hooves, he kept a wary eye on the flying napkins. He slinked forward, step by step until he was a table’s length away from them. Seeing that the napkins weren’t attacking him, he cautiously lowered the platter and set it on his back, grabbing a small notepad from his coat pocket.

“He– hello, sir, madam, what would you two, uhh…” he trailed off, gulping loudly. “What would you like to order today?”

“I’d like a simple salad with the dressing on the side. Also, can I get a glass of water?”

“Of course, my princess.” The waiter furiously scribbled her order down, turning to Discord a moment later. “And for you, sir?”

“I’d like a steak smothered in onions, french fries, and four bottles of your finest wine, please. Oh, and another cup of tea would be nice.” He tapped his forehooves together, making the teacup and its accompanying plate take to the air. He snuck a glance at Twilight and noticed that she was none too pleased with his little performance. His shoulders slumped slightly, but not so much that anypony would notice.

“Umm… steak, sir? I’m not sure we have that…” the waiter replied nervously. “And french fries? We have hay fries, will those do? As for the wine, we are a strictly non-alcoholic establishment.”

“Actually, I’ll just have what she’s having,” Discord said. “Now, leave us be.” He tapped his forehooves together twice, making the speed of the flying napkins increase until they were whizzing around his head, driving their waiter away.

“Discord, that was rude!” Twilight exclaimed in shock.

“Oh, he’ll be fine. But enough about him! You. You, Twilight, are simply amazing.”

“...What?” Twilight deadpanned.

“I must say, the first time I ever laid eyes upon you, it was as if I had found the source of beauty in the world. I feel myself privileged to bask in the ambience of such an intelligent and classy mare such as yourself.”

Classy, eh? I’ll show him classy! Twilight smiled as she listened to Discord go on and on about her. As he spewed out what obviously was a rehearsed speech, Twilight decided to act uncivil, hoping it would make Discord lose interest in her. She turned her attention back to him and nodded, acting as if she had been paying attention all the while. As Discord kept speaking, gesturing about in the air for emphasis, she raised her left hind leg and leaned over, giving her ear a really good scratching.

“Your bountiful curves remind me of…” Discord trailed off, noticing Twilight’s peculiar actions. She was scratching herself just like a dog would, and in public to boot! How uncivil… I like it! “Ahem. You need help there, my princess?” he asked smugly.

“Nah, I got it, just gimme another minute. This one’s a doozy,” Twilight replied, putting a bit more force into it. She glanced around, finally noticing that nearly everypony was watching her. A princess. Scratching herself like an unintelligent beast. In public. On a date with Discord.

“Uhh… hehe…” Twilight stammered, lowering her hind leg back to rest on the ground. “Sorry everypony, I’m not sure what came over me.” She glanced around at the café’s patrons, smiling sheepishly as they all started minding their own business again. Twilight sighed and relaxed slightly, but bolted upright when she heard a familiar voice yell indignantly.

“Twilight, what the hay are you doing with Discord?”