Young Luna thought that her future of raising the moon would give her the bright and peaceful life as a princess. Read through her filly-hood to her teens as she loses friends, a sister and her love. What really drove her to become nightmare moon?
Page generated in 0.107 seconds
Total duration
1,162 users online
1,922,628 hits today, 1,872,792 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Ahhh! A wall of text!
A few comments: 1) There some grammar and mechanical errors throughout the piece.
This is probably the most egregious of all them.
2) Probably more prominently, there are stylistic errors that take away from the story that you should consider fixing. Among other things, you should indent your paragraphs and space them out.
3) The title of your story should be properly capitalized. As it is, it scares some people from reading your story because it implies that it is an inept author who wrote this as they do not know how a title should be.
Lastly, I would like to say this is pretty well written and has an interesting concept of Chrysalis's role as sister of Luna and Celestia. Though most people would say this is impossible (no proof of it being found in the show and whatnot), I give people some leniency with artistic license (aka making stuff up for the sake of the story). You set the stage for the story nicely. The last line is a bit unnecessary as ending before then would have beautifully foreshadowed some upcoming misfortune.
If you want a little more details, Feel free to contact me via PM or replying to this comment. I prefer PMs as it keeps me from looking like an (for the lack of a better word) ass and flamer for pointing out error after error. Doing so may also scare people from reading the story, giving them a negative view of the story by pointing out what was wrong with the story rather what was good.
3830395 Thanks! Really helped improve my fanfic!