After years of wallowing in the undead asylum, an unknown knight manages to help aid our hero in his escape and he is given a quest to ring the bell of awakening. after a series of events he is joined by three of the most unlikely of allies………. ponies? will these ponies prove to be a loyal ally or will they be the death of him? ( Dark Souls/mlp crossover)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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~~IMMINENT LENGTHY POST~~
Hi! I'm a Dark Souls fan taking a break from the new one, here to give your fic a quick once-over and give advice on grammar, lore, etc.
For a character's thoughts you want italics, not quotation marks. Save quotation marks for dialogue.
Awkward sentence with arguable lore. Try something like this (with changed lore):
Why did I change that bit about dragon fire? For starters there's no real 100% right answer, but the commonly accepted lore is The Black Knight armor was turned black when the knights themselves were turned to ash when Gwyn linked the First Flame. You could argue that dragonfire or the demons of Lost Izalith charred the armor, but it just seems more likely that the fires of the First Flame turned their armor black. You don't have to change that bit, but lore fans like me would probably be more accepting of it.
I almost typed something up about the next scene, but I figured out that it was a flashback to pre-fire linking. If you do decide to follow the lore I suggested, you might want to just have him be a Silver Knight. If you don't that's okay, there's lots of disagreements on what is or isn't true about Dark Souls lore, and I'm sure 2 is going to blow some accepted theories out of the water. Also, a human in Gwyn's army? How? They all seemed to be not quite humans, not quite giants like Ciaran or Artorias.
I do have a quibble with it - Gwyn is kinda... generic. He's a mad king. The lore never mentions what he was like, but I suppose one could say he was mad, splitting his soul into fourths and giving those pieces to others, and making his son into a hermaphrodite.
My suggestion would be to tone down the obvious crazy and make him one of those creepy crazy dudes who seems sane for a while until you start to pay attention to him.
Your character is quite talky. I'm in the process of writing a Souls-inspired fanfic and I'm having trouble with that too. A lot of the Souls games charm is that there's very little to say most of the time. Stoicism is for the best in a Souls-type story, the less the better. I think James Dean said that if characters speak less, people will remember their lines better. If you make them mouthy, you won't remember much of their lines.
Also write out numbers: sixteen, not 16. It looks much better.
Moving on to chapter 2. Oh dear, we seem to have a POV change. Not a great idea. See, you wrote the first chapter in first person (I, me, my) and now you're in third person (she, her, they) which is super jarring. Stick to one perspective - preferably third, because you don't have to create a voice for your main character and stick to it all the time.
The upside to third person writing is that you can switch POVs like you did. Doing so in first person is a no-no.
In dialogue scenes, make sure that you make separate paragraphs for each speaker. Example:
This should be:
(I also fixed a handful of errors. Make sure to read over a few times, use a spellcheck program, etc. to catch as many errors as possible. And then if possible, send it to a proofreader. This leads to several groups that can aid with proofing/editing/prereading.)
I mentioned typing out numbers before but I'm not sure if this should be typed out. I'd leave it as is until you get a better eye than I to look at it.
Applebloom is one word, I believe. Don't quote me on this.
Also this new chapter is super jarring. First chapter is kind of a setup to revenge story, and then chapter two is hijinks with Twilight and Discord. Although I will admit I laughed at Discord reading the rules of chaos. I would get rid of everything in that bit after "I never would have guessed" though, as it hurts the joke more than it helps.
Also don't tell us who the POV switch is to. Allow us to figure it out by reading the first paragraph or two. And again, separate speakers in dialogue scenes.
Anyway that's about all I can give ya for now. Give that link a good look over and see if anyone in those groups can help you with editing. And if you need assistance with lore, either ask me or consult EpicNameBro's lore videos or VaatiVidya's Prepare to Cry series on youtube.
One more thing: (spoiled for Dank Soles noobs) At the end of the game Gwyn is hollow. So when/if you reach that point, don't make him talky, because that isn't what hollows are like.
I'll give you a like for help and slip this into read later. (if you want to return the favor by reading my souls-inspired thing I wouldn't complain either
/shamelessplug)
Anyway, good luck with the story and with Dark Souls 2! It's definitely a good game, and it's way harder than the first, even with two phantoms.
4072573 I know I need an editor
4072573 Edit (i was in a rush before) yeah i can understand that giving a dark souls character a voice is very odd and one of the benefits and downfalls of writing a dark souls fic is the lore is so foggy that you can do just about anything with it. also i kinda liked writing that funny part with the snakes before everything is a grim fight for survival with a strange man who could go insane any minute. also i will be sure to give your darksouls fic a read and fix the italics thing
Alright first thing that pops into my mind, "?!" is not grammatically correct. Pick one. If the intensity of the situation isn't conveyed then you should rewrite it. Also ellipses...my god the ellipses...stop it. They are not your friend. Kick that habit right now! There is a right way and a wrong way to use them. You have picked the wrong way.
You've got a lot of other grammar mistakes. You need a proofreader / editor. There's at least one in every paragraph. Missing capitals, missing commas, missing grammarsessssss.
You need to fix this stuff, I just can't read it like this. And I want to read it.
4075651 i will do my best but I don't have an editor so i guess ill just have to go through it again also would you excuse me why i google what a ellipse is so i can figure out what i'm doing wrong
4075651 ellipse - A regular oval shape, traced by a point moving in a plane so that the sum of its distances from two other points (the foci) is constant, or resulting when a cone is cut by an oblique plane that does not intersect the base. ( got this right out of the oxford dictionary so my story has to many cones?) please tell me what this means.
4075672
Derp on me. Ellipsis. They are "..." those things.
nice story and you are going for the long haul
4110795 I knew what I was getting into when I decided to submit this and I think writing some parts are really gonna be brutal