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The Adventure Begins2,615 words
Welcome to Dark Souls1,525 words

Welcome to Dark Souls

"Discord!" Twilight yelled “Are you even paying attention?” A frustrated purple mare yelled.

“Why of course I am Twilight” He said throwing the ball of yarn he was just playing with out the open window causing it to explode into hundreds of venomous snakes.“ What would ever make you think you didn't have my complete and undivided attention my dear Twilight?” he said with an innocent grin. Twilight just stared at the spirit of chaos angrily. “Oh fine.” He said snapping his fingers causing ‘most’ of the snakes to disappear. “ Now what was it you wanted now?” Discord said exhaling loudly.

“Well if you would have listened to me the first time. I was trying to explain that I need your help in creating a permanent portal from my library to Canterlot.” Twilight said “ Now the only reason I called you here today is that I don't have nearly enough magic to do this on my own.” She pointed a hoof at Discord. “But you do.”
“ Give me one good reason why I should help you with such a monotonous task?” Discord said becoming increasingly bored. “Because if you don't i’m sure I can get convince celestia to let me turn you back into stone.” Twilight stated

“Oh fine” Discord said “ But I think this is just because you don’t like using those wings of yours.” getting a confused look from twilight he sprang into action. “You know.” He said magically appearing behind twilight. “I could easily get rid of your wings.” He said removing one of her wings with a small pop. Throwing it across the room causing it to explode into a pile of glitter. “ just like that.” He said giving a wicked smile.

Twilight quickly ran over to the pile of glitter sifting through it looking for her wing but after frantically spreading the entire pile out, but no traces of her wing remained.

“What did you do to my wing?” Twilight said trying to resist the urge to punch the draconequus in the face. “Look again.” He said giving a smug smile. Twilight looked back at the spread out pile of glitter but saw no change.

“Give it back now!” Twilight yelled

“Oh fine” Discord said “Look behind you.”

Twilight turned around doing a complete 360 looking for her missing wing. Discord face clawed. “Where is it?!” Twilight yelled seeming only to get angrier. Discord simply pointed at Twilight and started to laugh uncontrollably. “Look at your back he said.” In between laughs. “ I never took your wing in the first place.” Twilight gave a huff of anger and embarrassment

“Look or are you going to help me out or not?” Twilight said half frustrated.

“Only if you tell me why you need this portal is the first place.” Discord asked

“Deal” she said “Well as you’ve probably noticed that in the last few weeks I have become a princess.” discord nodded in understanding “And I wish to continue living here in Ponyville but can't waste time constantly travelling back and forth between Ponyville and Canterlot for my princess duties and still live here conveniently so I want to make a portal that will cut the trip time down from several hours to a few seconds.”
“hmm” Discord said “Not the most interesting reason but anything to keep out of that stone prison and get some freedom, do you know how many months of massage therapy i had to go through to get rid of my stiff neck?”

“Riiiiiight.” Twilight said “Now carrying on with the portal I have all the key elements and components all set up now all we need is magic.” she said walking over to a closet and pulling out an old oval shaped mirror on wheels “And this is where the portal will be set.”

“I’m glad I got rid of most of the books on chaos magic before i was turned to stone the first time. this is going to be fun.” Discord thought to himself

“Are you ready discord?” Twilight said

“Of course.” he said

“Just focus your magic…”

“yeah yeah yeah” He said cutting her off giving a snap of his fingers. Causing the mirror to start to shake and spark before the glass turned into a wall of foggy white mist. “And done!” he stated proudly. “Are you sure this is right?” Twilight said scratching the back of her head while analyzing a few papers. “Its supposed to be a clear view of my bedroom at home in Canterlot.” “Oh im sure it’ll clear up once you go through it.” He said ushering her to the portal smiling wickedly. Thankfully twilight was too fixated on the portal to notice.

“Here I go” She said about to step into the portal but she stopped when she heard a loud screaming that started getting louder and louder. Until none other than the cutie mark crusaders burst through the door going full speed on Scootaloos scooter with Apple bloom and Sweetie Belle in tow on a wagon in the back and the strangest thing was they were all covered in snakes “Twilight help” Scootaloo screamed but as soon as they had appeared they had gone straight through the portal. leaving Twilight with a dumbfounded look and Discord had collapsed into a pile of laughter. “That was priceless!” He said in between breaths.
Twilight was still dumbfounded, but now she was staring at a now crystal clear mirror with an image of the cmc scattered and unconscious in the middle of an empty courtyard. in front of a large set of doors that towered over them. twilight knew instantly that they weren't in Canterlot or anywhere in Equestria for that matter.
“DISCORD!” Twilight yelled

All Discord could do in response was shrug his shoulders and say. “...ooops?”
“Discord you have better start explaining right now!”

“hmm” He put a claw up to his chin in deep thought for a few moments before he thought of an idea. With the snap of his fingers a thick purple book with a pink bookmark appeared in his hands. He blew of a layer of dust to show that the title of the book was ‘Da Rules’ written in big yellow letters and at the very bottom there was two more hastily written words written in black ‘Of Chaos’

He opened the thick tome to the very beginning and after going through a few pages he spoke. “ Ahhh here it is chapter one, section two, paragraph four….. chaos magic is unpredictable.” He read straight from the book before snapping it closed in twilight's face. “I never would have guessed.” He deadpanned his voice dripping with sarcasm.

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“So girls where do you think we should go crusading today?” Scootaloo asked stopping her scooter and the wagon carrying Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom in it “Well lets see.” Apple Bloom said pulling out a map. “Ah don’t think we’ve been crusading at twilights in at least a week we should probably start there.“ “Sounds good to me.” Scootaloo said putting her helmet back on “Uh girls, what are we gonna do when we get there?” Sweetie Belle asked. “We’ll figure that out when we get there, now hop in the wagon” Scootaloo said.
Not long after the trio was going at full towards twilight tree house on a surprisingly empty path.
“Where’d all the people go?” Apple Bloom asked Sweetie Belle
“How am i supposed to know?” Sweetie Belle responded turning her head towards to the path to see a strange green and brown wave in the distance slowly getting closer. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo both noticed it and stared at it, with scootaloo still going full speed as the wave drew nearer. Sweetie Belle let out an ear piercing shriek causing Apple Bloom to panic realizing the strange wave was made of none other than snakes.

“Scootaloo ya gotta stop us or we’re gonna crash straight into that wave of snakes!” Apple Bloom said hoping she would hear her.
“Were going to fast she yelled back we're going to have to through it!” Scootaloo responded.
“ARE YOU CRAZY!” Sweetie Belle screamed her voice cracking horribly.

Scootaloos only response was speeding up and colliding with the greenish brown wave while Apple Bloom ducked into the wagon and Sweetie Belle continued screaming the whole way. They emerged on the other side and were only about a block away from twilights house, Sweetie started to hyperventilate in between screams as the entire wagon was filled with snakes and Apple Bloom was buried somewhere underneath them. seconds later they burst through Twilights door breaking it into a million pieces,with Scootaloo yelling for Twilight to help.
And before they knew it they were airborne and the snakes were gone and then darkness. the wagon had crashed in the middle of the asylums courtyard knocking all three of the crusaders unconscious for about fifteen minutes, before Apple Bloom woke up in front of the large door “Girls i don't think we're in ponyville anymore…….. girls?”

Author's Note:

I started this little project awhile back in hype for dark souls 2 but now if people actually like it i guess ill have to stick this story out for the long haul ( really need an editor,also this is my first story so try to be a little nice when you rip my heart out and stomp on it in the comment section and i get my copy of dark souls 2 tomorrow so yay.)

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Commissar Rarity

Commissar Rarity #1 · Mar 12th, 2014 · 2 · ·

~~IMMINENT LENGTHY POST~~

Hi! I'm a Dark Souls fan taking a break from the new one, here to give your fic a quick once-over and give advice on grammar, lore, etc.

For a character's thoughts you want italics, not quotation marks. Save quotation marks for dialogue.

As I walked down the hall fully clad in what was once a glorious set of silver armor, now charred black with the helm worn by all of Gwyn’s knights was also now charred black by the dragons’ fire

Awkward sentence with arguable lore. Try something like this (with changed lore):

I walked down the hall, clad in what had once been a glorious set of silver armor that belonged to Lord Gwyn's knights. Now it was black, charred by the fires of the First Flame.

Why did I change that bit about dragon fire? For starters there's no real 100% right answer, but the commonly accepted lore is The Black Knight armor was turned black when the knights themselves were turned to ash when Gwyn linked the First Flame. You could argue that dragonfire or the demons of Lost Izalith charred the armor, but it just seems more likely that the fires of the First Flame turned their armor black. You don't have to change that bit, but lore fans like me would probably be more accepting of it.

I almost typed something up about the next scene, but I figured out that it was a flashback to pre-fire linking. If you do decide to follow the lore I suggested, you might want to just have him be a Silver Knight. If you don't that's okay, there's lots of disagreements on what is or isn't true about Dark Souls lore, and I'm sure 2 is going to blow some accepted theories out of the water. Also, a human in Gwyn's army? How? They all seemed to be not quite humans, not quite giants like Ciaran or Artorias.

I do have a quibble with it - Gwyn is kinda... generic. He's a mad king. The lore never mentions what he was like, but I suppose one could say he was mad, splitting his soul into fourths and giving those pieces to others, and making his son into a hermaphrodite.

My suggestion would be to tone down the obvious crazy and make him one of those creepy crazy dudes who seems sane for a while until you start to pay attention to him.

Your character is quite talky. I'm in the process of writing a Souls-inspired fanfic and I'm having trouble with that too. A lot of the Souls games charm is that there's very little to say most of the time. Stoicism is for the best in a Souls-type story, the less the better. I think James Dean said that if characters speak less, people will remember their lines better. If you make them mouthy, you won't remember much of their lines.

Also write out numbers: sixteen, not 16. It looks much better.

Moving on to chapter 2. Oh dear, we seem to have a POV change. Not a great idea. See, you wrote the first chapter in first person (I, me, my) and now you're in third person (she, her, they) which is super jarring. Stick to one perspective - preferably third, because you don't have to create a voice for your main character and stick to it all the time.

The upside to third person writing is that you can switch POVs like you did. Doing so in first person is a no-no.

In dialogue scenes, make sure that you make separate paragraphs for each speaker. Example:

“ Give me one good reason why I should help you with such a monotonous task?” Discord said becoming increasingly bored. “Because if you don't i’m sure I can get convince celestia to let me turn you back into stone.” Twilight stated

This should be:

“Give me one good reason why I should help you with such a monotonous task?” Discord asked, becoming bored.
“Because if you don't I’m sure I can convince Celestia to let me turn you back into stone.” Twilight replied.

(I also fixed a handful of errors. Make sure to read over a few times, use a spellcheck program, etc. to catch as many errors as possible. And then if possible, send it to a proofreader. This leads to several groups that can aid with proofing/editing/prereading.)

Twilight turned around doing a complete 360

I mentioned typing out numbers before but I'm not sure if this should be typed out. I'd leave it as is until you get a better eye than I to look at it.

Applebloom is one word, I believe. Don't quote me on this.

Also this new chapter is super jarring. First chapter is kind of a setup to revenge story, and then chapter two is hijinks with Twilight and Discord. Although I will admit I laughed at Discord reading the rules of chaos. I would get rid of everything in that bit after "I never would have guessed" though, as it hurts the joke more than it helps.

Also don't tell us who the POV switch is to. Allow us to figure it out by reading the first paragraph or two. And again, separate speakers in dialogue scenes.

Anyway that's about all I can give ya for now. Give that link a good look over and see if anyone in those groups can help you with editing. And if you need assistance with lore, either ask me or consult EpicNameBro's lore videos or VaatiVidya's Prepare to Cry series on youtube.

One more thing: (spoiled for Dank Soles noobs) At the end of the game Gwyn is hollow. So when/if you reach that point, don't make him talky, because that isn't what hollows are like.

I'll give you a like for help and slip this into read later. (if you want to return the favor by reading my souls-inspired thing I wouldn't complain either /shamelessplug)

Anyway, good luck with the story and with Dark Souls 2! It's definitely a good game, and it's way harder than the first, even with two phantoms.

multiple bronies

multiple bronies #2 · Mar 12th, 2014 · · ·

4072573 I know I need an editor

multiple bronies

multiple bronies #3 · Mar 13th, 2014 · · ·

4072573 Edit (i was in a rush before) yeah i can understand that giving a dark souls character a voice is very odd and one of the benefits and downfalls of writing a dark souls fic is the lore is so foggy that you can do just about anything with it. also i kinda liked writing that funny part with the snakes before everything is a grim fight for survival with a strange man who could go insane any minute. also i will be sure to give your darksouls fic a read and fix the italics thing

Sir Thursday

Sir Thursday #4 · Mar 13th, 2014 · · ·

Alright first thing that pops into my mind, "?!" is not grammatically correct. Pick one. If the intensity of the situation isn't conveyed then you should rewrite it. Also ellipses...my god the ellipses...stop it. They are not your friend. Kick that habit right now! There is a right way and a wrong way to use them. You have picked the wrong way.

You've got a lot of other grammar mistakes. You need a proofreader / editor. There's at least one in every paragraph. Missing capitals, missing commas, missing grammarsessssss.

You need to fix this stuff, I just can't read it like this. And I want to read it.

multiple bronies

multiple bronies #5 · Mar 13th, 2014 · · ·

4075651 i will do my best but I don't have an editor so i guess ill just have to go through it again also would you excuse me why i google what a ellipse is so i can figure out what i'm doing wrong

multiple bronies

multiple bronies #6 · Mar 13th, 2014 · · ·

4075651 ellipse - A regular oval shape, traced by a point moving in a plane so that the sum of its distances from two other points (the foci) is constant, or resulting when a cone is cut by an oblique plane that does not intersect the base. ( got this right out of the oxford dictionary so my story has to many cones?) please tell me what this means.

Sir Thursday