Chapter 13: The Mourning Afterwards
By the time Octavia had fallen asleep, it was too late: the majority of the night had been spent. Her restless nerves and constant glances at her snoozing companion wasted the hours away until it was nearly daybreak. When all her worry and stress had taken the very last remnants of energy she had, she finally embraced the pleasant darkness. The silent, but warm, void of sleep could've taken her comfortably into the morning, but instead took her right into the arms of a dream.
It began like any dream (you can't remember how it started) and it ended like every other one (suddenly and without a satisfying conclusion.) Octavia wouldn't be able to remember even half of the events in it to ever relay it properly to anypony (but since I am omniscient, I don't have that problem. So here it is. Enjoy.)
----{{{{Octavia was looking around her room for something. It was very important that she find it, but she couldn't remember what it was she was looking for. Luckily when she pulled back the covers of her bed, Pinkie Pie was there to give it to her. It was a slice of cherry pie. "Applejack said to give this to you," Pinkie said. "I'm sorry I didn't eat any of it," Pinkie went on. Octavia thought that was okay because she didn't actually want Pinkie to eat the pie, but she couldn't bear to tell her. Octavia pulled the covers back over Pinkie Pie, hoping she could find her way out from under them eventually. Taking the slice, she hurried out the door and down the hallway. At the end of the tunnel of darkness, Vinyl stood on a stage and Octavia slowed to a stop. The cellist peeked around the corner to see if the audience was enjoying Vinyl's performance. In the back row, she sighted Spike carrying around a little chest. Frantic to warn everypony, Octavia ran onstage; but she had to give Vinyl her pie first. However, Vinyl had been replaced by her cello. Octavia knew that she couldn't feed the cello pie, so she'd have to play it instead. As she began to play with her bare hooves, she looked into the audience for her mother. She found her in the front row, smiling proudly as she usually did. Beside her sat Octavia's fellow ensemble members, all drinking tea lazily. It was quite rude of them to ignore her performance, and Octavia wanted to cry out so they wouldn't get in trouble, but she couldn't move. There was a pony hiding behind her and if she moved, everypony would see it. Octavia had to keep it out of sight. The mare behind her leaned up to her ear and whispered,
~"You're a freeeeeak."~}}}}----
Octavia opened her groggy eyes at the sound of activity just outside the window. It took a few moments of delirious contemplation for her to realize that she was now awake and the events she had just experienced where simply hallucinations of a sleeping mind. After staring at the blank wall for a moment or two, she rolled to her other side expecting to find the pony she was almost getting used to seeing in her bed. However, the space beside her was vacant. Casting her sleepy gaze over the disheveled sheets, Octavia saw no other pony in the bedroom. Once she sat up, Octavia could see why; Vinyl had been busy.
The room had been cleaned. Everything that the intruder had displaced had returned to its proper place. All the shirts were sorted back into their drawers and Vinyl even moved the heavy dresser back by her lonesome (unicorn magic is overpowered.) The walls that once held posters no longer bore their shredded remains, as the last remnants had been pealed and trashed. Octavia admired the spotlessness of it all with disbelief.
'Vinyl awoke before me? And she cleaned the house? Surely I am dreaming still.' Octavia rubbed her temples in response to the light humming of a headache she developed last night. The pain affirmed that this was reality. With a heavy sigh, Octavia climbed off the bed and stretched, ungracefully cracking her joints to awaken her sore and tired body. Once she was done, the Canterlot pony trotted to the stairs. Unfortunately for her, Vinyl hadn't moved the chest that had haunted her all night and it sat innocently to the side of her path. Though she was determined to never look at it, Octavia failed miserably and shot it several quick glances as she passed. No traces of the disturbing magazines were left: Vinyl must have put them securely back inside. Atop the chest sat that raggedy old top hat with the lop-sided patches, but Octavia took no notice of it that day.
"Vinyl?" Octavia called quietly, as she entered the living area on the first floor. There was no response. However, the room glowed with cleanliness. Not only had Vinyl reorganized all the scattered items, she removed the entire wreckage of the speaker system by herself (magic is op I tell you!) Octavia peeked in the kitchen, searching for Vinyl, but found nothing but clean floors and organized cabinets.
"Vinyl..." Octavia knocked hesitantly on the bathroom door, the last unchecked spot in the house. With no response, she slowly opened the door to take care of her own personal business inside. Octavia's appearance was a disaster, as she soon noticed in the mirror's mocking reflection. The dark curls and unfortunate cowlicks of her mane complimented her scruffy gray coat. Octavia stared at herself in a lackluster daze with those haggard purple eyes of hers for a moment, before opting to have a shower.
---[Note to self: Insert overly sensual shower scene before finishing chapter. Do not forget!]---
After her amazing shower, Octavia felt a smidgen better. She brushed her mane into proper form and reequipped her bowtie. Feeling strangely comfortable in somepony else's kitchen, she foraged for her own breakfast. Electing to skip cooking for the day, she simply grabbed a few carrots and berries. Munching them comfortably on the couch, she surveyed the vacant living room. Without Vinyl's equipment, it was nearly bare. The stacks of records were notably smaller; many had been destroyed in the intrusion and were promptly disposed of by the homeowner.
That's when Octavia noticed her own possessions grouped neatly together. Atop them sat a broken picture frame. Trotting over, Octavia realized it was the photograph of her ensemble that she was looking for earlier. She picked it up, with pieces of glass chipping off as she did. After a moment of sorrow, she realized that her possession had obviously been a victim of the intruder (*coughwrongcough.*) The faces of her Canterlot friends were distorted by jagged cracks: only her own silent stare was recognizable. Octavia used to frequently see the photograph at her home, as it was positioned in a commonly trot area. However, when glancing at it, she would normally just look at her friends, and not herself. The sight of them made her solitary house feel a bit fuller and warmer. But now, she could only see herself in the lonely picture. She studied her own solemn stare. It was cold and empty.
'Have I always looked so... somber?' the troubled cellist pondered. She couldn't remember the particular day this photo was taken, but she didn't imagine she was having a significantly bad time. 'I have... haven't I?' Octavia remembered. This was her, or how she used to be, staring up at her. That version of her had existed just a few days ago, but she felt so distant. As if all those years she had been asleep, and Vinyl had finally woken her up to a reality in which she could smile and laugh for real.
'Oh, Vinyl...'
Octavia instantly shivered and quickly put the broken picture down a little too forcibly, knocking more glass loose. Thinking about Vinyl was something she desperately wished to avoid. Since her discovery, Octavia wasn't sure how to act towards her best friend anymore. Last night, the both of them were so tired they didn't have much of a conversation: even about the intrusion. They had unanimously decided to 'deal with it later' (like responsible adults.) But Octavia couldn't help herself: she had to think about Vinyl. They were friends. Best friends, even. Not to mention Octavia was practically living with her at the moment. Such a thing couldn't be avoided. With a heavy sigh, Octavia returned to the couch to finish her makeshift breakfast and begin some deep personal thinking.
'Vinyl is gay. I simply cannot deny it, after all I have seen. I... I am not entirely comfortable with that... but...' Octavia nervously played with her food. 'If I want to stay her friend, and I desperately want to, I have to accept it... I have to accept her, no matter how it makes me feel.' The canterlot pony made her decision, but that begged a new question. 'How should I tell Vinyl?' she asked herself. 'Will she be angry I found out? ...I do not imagine she would be... Perhaps she will be relieved to confine in somepony about her secret... Celestia, what if she's overjoyed!? What if- what if she... confesses feelings for me!?' Octavia nervously swallowed at the thought of Vinyl dropping all pretense of simple friendship and announcing an unquenchable attraction she'd been harboring for days. 'Is it arrogant to assume that she feels... that way towards me? She- she has been so... peculiar around me... so physical... I don't- I do not know what it means. I do not know what to do... Maybe... I should just return home... and forget all this...' Octavia grimaced, dropping a nearly finished carrot.
Going home was the last thing Octavia wanted to do, however. Being in Ponyville with Vinyl had been the most interesting, fulfilling and fun experience of her life. It was anypony's guess how a conversation with Vinyl would end: Would either pony learn something new? Would it end in a fight over something frivolous? Would it end in laughter and tears? Would Vinyl end it with a big smile and a hug? To leave all the opportunity behind over this, to leave scared and bitter... defeated. Octavia never wanted to do that. She didn't want to lose that feeling she had around Vinyl. She didn't want it to change, for everything to become awkward between them. For it to stay the same, Octavia would have to treat Vinyl as if she didn't know. It was then she was struck with the obvious solution.
'There is no need... to say anything...' Octavia realized with growing enthusiasm. 'If we never speak of it, she will never realize I know! We could- we could continue on how we were!' A great weight had been lifted from Octavia's shoulders, or so it seemed. But, as the burden of one problem vanished, another appeared in its place. 'I will simply have to- ...pretend I do not know... Keep it a secret... Keep it locked up...'
'But can you?' it asked.
'...I do not know...' she answered.
A newly formed nauseous feeling in her gut threatened to undo her work eating breakfast, so Octavia simply shoved the unfinished plate of food away. If she didn't start thinking about something else, she'd be too stressed out to act normal around Vinyl when she came back. Determined to find something to keep her mind occupied, Octavia reached for the library books she borrowed from Twilight. A few pages into a normally interesting story, the cello player buckled under the realization that she wasn't focusing on it at all.
"Ugh..." she sighed, anxiously closing the book. Pushing it aside, she collapsed on the floor. The earth pony was content to simply lay there for a few moments. As she occasionally kicked the flaps of the couch, her mind began to wander dangerously towards Vinyl's secret. "No, no, no!" She got up, shaking her head. "You must absolutely not think about it," she told herself aloud. "I will be fine once Vinyl returns from... wherever it is she ran off to. Once I have a normal conversation with her, everything will fall into place. I simply must keep myself busy until then." But with what? What was there to do that could hold her interest? (You need more hobbies, Octy.) Looking around, the picture of her ensemble caught her attention again. She was struck with an idea for something she hadn't considered in days... something she used to do all the time. Something she suddenly desired to do again.
Quickly arriving upstairs, Octavia hurried over to her cello (after cursing herself for glancing at the magazine chest.) The cellist removed the beautiful instrument from its case and gave it a loving caress. Octavia hadn't touched her cello with the intent to play it for a while, not since before the wedding. The massive wooden instrument was larger than the musician raising it, and Octavia had to stand on her hind legs to even hold it. With elegant posture, the poised pony precisely put her prized possession in a perfect playing position, as she had done a thousand times before. Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she readied her hoof on the neck and with great precision, she began to play.
As Octavia drew the bow across the strings, music began to fill the empty house. Notes and melodies resonated from the instrument as the master cellist drew from her lifetime of expertise. She didn't play anything in particular, but simply let her experience guide her as her emotions expressed themselves in the form of movements of the bow. The tune was somber, slow and mournful, but it was masterful nonetheless. Octavia worked the hoofboard with a precision that seemed impossible without magic. Seconds turned to minutes as she continued to weave a musical story that needed no end, but would eventually have to.
When Octavia drew her bow for the final note, she let it resonate briefly before exhaling and opening her eyes. The space around her held pure silence for a moment. Suddenly, a frantic stomping of hooves beside her caused Octavia's heart to jump. Vinyl Scratch was laying on the bed, hanging off slightly and stomping the floor with her forelegs in applause.
"Rock it girl! That was epic! I never thought you'd be that good!" Vinyl cheered at her shocked friend.
"Vinyl! When did you get here!?" Octavia exclaimed, after her heart landed from its metaphorical leap.
Vinyl widened her eyes, grinned evilly, and answered, "Oh, I've been here since you woke up. I've been following right behind you all morning."
"...Wait, what!? How could-!?"
"Pffffttt! Hahahahaha!" Vinyl rolled around on the bed, laughing hysterically and kicking her legs in the air. (It's not that funny.)
"Oh... you are joking. Right, of course..."
"Hahaha. I came in a while ago," Vinyl explained, bouncing on the bed once to launch herself off it. "I snuck up to watch you play when I heard you. You were so busy, you didn't notice me walk in." With a grin, the DJ trotted up to Octavia and pointed at the cello. "Why didn't you tell me how good you are at playing the violin?"
"Violin-? This is a cello, Vinyl... I explained this to you when we met..." Octavia replied, a little hurt her friend didn't remember. Vinyl tilted her head quizzically.
"Huh? Really? They all kinda look the same to me. Anyway, you were really good at it!" Vinyl beamed at her friend before awkwardly asking, "Um, what do you fancy ponies say in Canterlot when you like someone's gig, again?"
"...Bravo?" Octavia answered after a brief moment of contemplation and linguistic conversion.
"Yeah! That's it! Bravo! Bravo!" Vinyl started the stomping applause once again.
Octavia then did what she always did when she received recognition: she smiled. Plainly and insincerely. It happened instinctively: a habit she developed after a certain experience years ago. She was faking appreciation for the applause. It was the proper thing to do after a performance, even though she desperately didn't want to hear it.
'...Even when it's from Vinyl...' Octavia thought, disappointed.
Vinyl slowed her stomping to a halt when she noticed Octavia's odd, lifeless smile. Her joy changed to concern. Stepping forward, she examined her almost emotionless friend.
"You... okay, Octavia?"
Octavia instantly forgot her past troubles when she realized how close Vinyl was to her own face and remembered certain other troubles. When the unicorn reached up to poke her muzzle, Octavia jumped back with a jolt, losing her hold on the cello and bow. The instrument fell towards the floor and would have collided if not for the split-second thinking of Vinyl, who caught it with her magical grip.
"Woah! Careful!" Vinyl set the cello down before turning to her friend, who now was on all fours and clearing her throat. "It'd suck to have your favorite thing break too!" (Referring, of course, to her broken stereo. Geez, pay more attention, reader.) Octavia just stared at her in response. "I mean, I'm guessing it's your favorite thing," Vinyl explained, a little nervous that she may have misjudged. Surely a fancy pony like Octavia had more than one instrument.
"Oh, no. I am sorry. I fear I am still a little tired and 'out of it,' as one might say," Octavia smiled nervously, trying to forget a certain secret that she promised herself she wouldn't think of when Vinyl came home. "Thank you, Vinyl. I cherish my cello and would dread if something were to happen to it." She gracefully took the cello and started to return it to the case.
"Okay, cool," Vinyl replied, relieved that there didn't seem to be anything wrong with her new friend.
"So... you... enjoyed my performance, did you?" Octavia asked, focusing on her task so she could avoid looking Vinyl in the eyes.
"Octavia. I said you were good at playing. I didn't say I enjoyed listening."
"Vinyl!"
"Hahahahahaha!"
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
It was the second time the pony at the door tried to get her attention, but Berry Punch just moaned from under her covers. Her head was pounding and her stomach was turning. (Hangovers are not pleasant!)
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
"GO AWAY!" Berry cried out with her hoarse voice. (Haha. Puns.) The knocking continued, unabated, until the plum pony gave up. "For the love of Celestia! Alright, alright!" Berry slugged out from her semi-comfortable hiding place and slid off her bed. Her legs nearly buckled on contact with the floor and her stomach squirmed. "Ugggh..." Berry moaned as she trudged to her front door. She had to shield her eyes as she opened it. "What?" she asked bluntly, not actually able to make out the two nearly identical light blue stallions at the door through her squinting eyes. The two of them wore matching suits, sunglasses and sported fashionable black fedoras.
"Miss Berry Punch?" one of the stallions asked.
"Yeah, what do you want?" Berry replied coldly.
"It has come to our attention that you are close friends with Miss Vinyl Scratch," the second stallion answered.
"Pfft. Not anymore," Berry interrupted. She rubbed her head at a spike in her headache. The two stallions shot each other glances.
"We need to ask you some... questions about her," the first stallion pressed. Berry just groaned obnoxiously and started to close the door.
"Yeah, well... I can't help you with that," she said irritated. "Bye bye, now." One stallion stuck his hoof inside to block the door from closing. With determination, he advanced, forcing Berry to stumble backwards and land on her flank. "UGH!" she cried as she hit the ground, falling over to clench at her already troublesome stomach.
"I am afraid you misunderstand. We need you to answer our questions. In fact, we insist," he said with dangerous authority, as his comrade joined him inside the doorway. Berry looked up at the two menacing-looking stallions, who now had so rudely forced their way inside her house. Moaning from the floor, Berry managed to measure the situation and realized things might get messy if she didn't give these fine gentlecolts what they wanted so they could be on their way.
"Okay, okay, okay!" she said weakly from the floor, not daring to stand up again. "What did you want to know about Vinyl?"
One of the stallions looked down at Berry Punch as the other slowly closed the door, drowning the room in near darkness.
"Everything, Miss Punch. Absolutely everything."
Intriguing.. Kinda late too..
Well maybe Berry isnt a bady.
Then suddenly the plot thickens...
And then there is an OctaBerryScratch three way!!!
(hey, one can dream right? lol)
I feel I would be remiss if I did not point out this glaring mistake...
---[Note to self: Insert overly sensual shower scene before finishing chapter. Do not forget!]---
You seem to have left a note here and never remembered to replace it with said overly sensual shower scene....
Son I am disappoint.
3998598
Sorry, I've been busy drawing frowny faces in the dirt.
3998610
Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet! I haven't even begun to get into the part about the dinosaurs and aliens!
3998742
Uh, well. You can dream, but no promises that dream will come true.
3998873
Goodness, you're right! Oh, well. It's been published, nothing I can do about that now.
i0.kym-cdn.com/profiles/icons/big/000/057/098/13128%20-%20artist-StarshineSprint%20Octavia%20shrug.png
I must agree with 3998873 the noted shower scene and not seeing it was kind of a downer
3999159 Sure.....
YAY! Updates!
3999336
I don't really want to do this to you, but as a current editor for LeonOfSweden and member of the Grammar Police, I simply must.
Here are all the mistakes in this chapter.
1. The very title of the chapter: "The Mourning After" I believe you meant "Morning". Unless somepony died recently...
2. "Vinyl stood at the end of the tunnel of darkness on a stage and Octavia slowed to a stop." --> I'd put "At the end of the tunnel of darkness" first, follow it up with a comma and then put "Vinyl stood on a stage" followed by the rest of the sentence: it's better sentence structure.
3. "The cellist peaked around the corner..." --> peeked** (perhaps peered?)
4. "In the back row she sighted Spike carrying around a little chest." --> needs to be a comma after "row"
5. "Frantic to warn everypony, Octavia ran onstage, but first she had to give Vinyl her pie." --> Change the second comma to a semicolon and either add a comma after "first" or move "first" to the end of the sentence.
6. However Vinyl had been… --> need to be a comma after "however".
7. … pony hiding behind her and if she moved, everypony could see it --> "could" should be "would".
8. "However the space beside her was vacant. --> needs to be a comma after "however".
9. "Once she sat up, Octavia could see why. Vinyl had been busy." --> that first period should definitely be a semicolon.
10. "…the intruder had displaced had returned to it's proper place." --> its**: you're indicating possession here, not trying to say "it is".
11. "no longer bore their shredded remains as the last remnants…" --> needs a comma after "remains".
12. "No traces of the disturbing magazines were left, Vinyl must have securely put them back inside." --> the comma should be a colon and "securely" should be after "them".
13. "Octavia called quietly as she entered…" --> needs a comma after "quietly".
14. "Octavia peeked in the kitchen searching for Vinyl, but…" --> needs a comma after "kitchen".
15. "Octavia's appearance was a disaster as soon as she noticed in the mirror's mocking reflection." --> This sentence is missing an article: needs an "it" after "noticed".
16. "…with those haggard purple eyes of hers for a moment before opting…" --> needs a comma after "moment".
16.5. "---[Note to self: Insert…]---" --> You're DEFINITELY missing an overly sensual shower scene here.
16.75. "After her amazing shower…" --> Oh come on! Now you're just teasing us.
17. "The stacks of records were notably smaller. Many had been…" --> that period should be a semicolon.
18. "After a moment of sorrow, she realized that obviously her possession had been a victim…" --> either surround "obviously" with commas or put it after "had".
19. "…friends were distorted by jagged cracks, only her own…" --> the comma should be a colon.
20. "…see the photograph at her home as it was…" --> needs a comma after "home".
21. "… existed just a few days ago, but she felt so distant. Like, all those years…" --> the comma after "Like" is unnecessary. I'd also recommend replacing the period with a colon and actually changing the "Like" to "as if" instead.
22. "Last night the both of them were so tired they didn't have much of a conversation, even about the intrusion." --> needs a comma after "night". The comma should be a colon. And you should replace "about" with "with"; it's a better choice for the sentiment you're trying to convey.
23. "The unanimously had decided…" --> "had" should be before "unanimously".
24. "But Octavia couldn't help herself, she had to think…" --> the comma should be a colon.
25. "They were friends. Best friends, even." --> Although you hear people say this all the time, it's really awkward grammatically. Although if you want to keep it, replace the first period with a dash.
26. "It was anypony's guess how a conversation with Vinyl would end. Would it…" --> the period should definitely be a colon.
27. "She didn't want it to change, for everything…" --> change the comma to an ellipsis.
28. "Pushing it aside she collapsed to the floor." --> needs a comma after "aside".
29. "…her mind began to wonder dangerously to Vinyl's secret." --> wander** and add "close" after "dangerously".
30. "No no no!" --> put commas after the first two "no"'s.
31. "She got up shaking her head." --> should be a comma after "up".
32. "…removed the beautiful instrument from it's case and gave…" --> its** you're showing possession: you don't want "it is" there.
33. "…Octavia had to rise to her hind legs…" --> either replace "to" with "on" or replace "her hind legs" with either "a bipedal (or standing) position" or "her full height".
34. "…readied her hoof on the neck and with great precision she began…" --> surround "with great precision" with commas.
35. "Octavia explained after her heart landed from it's metaphorical leap." --> needs a comma after "exclaimed" and its** because you're showing possession, and you don't want "it is" there.
36. "it happened instinctively, a habit developed…." --> the comma should be replaced by a colon.
37. "…Octavia's odd lifeless smile" --> needs a comma after "odd".
37.5. "Octavia instantly forgot her troubles when she realized how close Vinyl was to her own face and she remembered certain other troubles." --> This is a .5 entry because it's not really a mistake. I'd put "past" in front of the first "troubles". Additionally, you should remove the second "she".
38. "…collided if not for the split second thinking of Vinyl who caught it in her magical grip." --> split-second** (not hyphenating is a mistake in my books) and needs a comma after "Vinyl".
39. "The knocking continued unabated until the plumb…" --> surround "unabated" with commas.
40. "For the love of Celestia, alright alright." --> the comma should be a period (or exclamation mark) and there should be a comma behind the first "alright".
41. "Yeah, well. I can't help you with that." --> The period is unnecessary.
42. "With determination he advanced, forcing Berry…" --> needs a comma after "determination".
43. "…he said with dangerous authority as his friend…" --> needs a comma after "authority".
44. "Berry looked up at the two menacing looking stallions who now had so rudely forced their way insider her house." --> menacing-looking**, needs a comma after "stallions" and remove "so"; it's unnecessary.
Yeah, that's about it.
Let me know if I missed anything.
Otherwise, have yourself an awesome day and please continue on with this great tale!
AIP§
4026966
I too am guilty of putting things on my 'to read list' and forgetting they exist.
Which characterization(s) did you find odd? I tried really hard to make the mane 6 as close as I could to the show, so I hope you're not referring to them. Glad you like the narrator! In my head, everybody reading the story rolls their eyes whenever he makes a snide remark.
4041795
I haven't read Allegrezza, but University Days was the reason I decided to write this. I even have a subtle wink to an event in Uni Days in Chapter 9. I'm glad you're enjoying it so far.
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Oh, geez! Why'd you have to go and embarrass me in front of all my fans! Now I can't come back to FiMFiction! I'll die of embarrassment!
That's what the "joke me" says. "Real me" thanks you for taking the time to do that. I'm truly grateful! I haven't bothered to investigate getting an editor, and I miss many many mistakes when I proofread. (Plus, English class was 9 years ago, and I haven't written for a long time.) I'll see to it that most of that gets changed. I spotted a couple of items I'll be keeping the same. Creative license and all.
4045391
Oh please. I've got 129 and that list practically grows daily.
Though I've been putting the longer stories on my iPod so I can read them while I'm on the bus and have nothing else to do. Even with a half-hour commute, it's quite efficient!
4042402
Glad you appreciate it. And I'm all for creative licenses, so no problem there.
Also, I may be able to aid you in editing chapters. As I said, I'm currently editing LeonOfSweden's "True Black" as well, but it only took me a couple hours to find and edit everything in the comment I posted, so I shouldn't have any trouble taking on another tale.
Message me if you'd like my editing help.
AIP§
Please update I've been waiting forever
Please I love this story and it's really great
And j hope it has a epic ending sp please
Update I'm begging you!!!!!!
4083208
My first piece of fanart! Thank you so much!
4136461
Just getting back into now, sorry for the delay!
Can't wait for more!
Can you do me a favour? Okay? Good.
Now, listen closely.
Stop making random comments throughout the story!
Seriously, they're obnoxious, downright annoying, breaks the flow of the story, have nothing to add of narrative value, and does nothing for the story itself.
I don't mean to insult, but bloody hell stop doing it! I'm not kidding when I say that they, alone, make me want to quit the story. They're just that obnoxious.
Now, I know that you said that you want to write it as a "guy telling a story over a campfire", but I'd go so far as to say that he utterly fails at it - worst story-teller ever. Every third person narrative story is "a guy telling a story over a campfire." Yours is no different, and those random paranthesis comments only serve to utterly destroy the ones immersion. Not just break it - destroy it.
I know I come off as harsh, but after reading a story filled with those comments in every single chapter, it's just become too much and I need to get it off my chest. Regardless, it is as I said above: it adds nothing of value to the story, it only serves to make it poorer.
Will you ever finish this story
3999159 Hey man, just got to this story! I'm loving it so far! Now I should be rushing you along right? Forcing you to get the next chapter out?
Well Don't. Write when you feel like it, not because we want you to. Your funny, witty. If you let us readers force you along then you lose that. Take your time, just give us your best possible work!
But do hurry.
<(Bronco)>
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The gears in my head.... they're covered with cobwebs... but, I... yes... I think I can hear them creaking... slowly... slowly... breaking free of the webs of ages past... the popping and cracking of machinery long since abandoned by man.... it's springing to life... yes... yeeees... I can feel it!
Unless you mean to say the she is vertical, I believe the word you are looking for is plum.
umm should I be concerned?
This quote was also brought to you by, the letter P. (they're just making it too easy)
Oh no... the ships in trouble again, and now these bad guys are looking for dirt about Vinyl? If only Ponyville had some sort of group/organization, who's job was to protect the citizens and their rights from these kinds of ponies. Somepony to "guard" them, if you will.
terrible pun is terrible
6858441
The letter P is affiliated with Alphabet Corp
You forgot!