• Published 5th Dec 2013
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Fifty things that Ponyville citizens are not allowed to do. - Ssendam the Masked

Fifty things that Ponyville citizens are forbidden from doing. Basically, crack and noodle incidents. One shot.

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Fifty things that Ponyville citizens are not allowed to do

Things that Ponyville citizens are not allowed to do.

Ivory Scroll was looking wearily at the large bottle of Stalliongrad vodka currently sitting on her desk. Being the mayor of a town of madponies was not how she’d seen her tenure as Ponyville Mayor going. Every week, it seemed, something utterly insane was happening. Sometimes, when you looked at the destruction, she could swear that something bad happened every day. It was statistically improbable for something like this to happen, but after seeing so much weird stuff happening, the only thing you could say to statistics was, “buck you and your false reassurance.”
(She’d already said that several times, such as after one of Pinkie Pie’s escapades.)
Something had to be done about this. She looked over the stack of paperwork she’d been studiously avoiding as she’d focused wholeheartedly on getting drunk the night before. A stack of papers of cyclopean dimensions, that she could swear was warping a hole in the fabric of reality due to how gargantuan it was.

It was only this morning’s paperwork, and if she didn’t do something about it, it would grow bigger and bigger. She sighed, looking back at the bottle, mourning its emptiness from the night before. Earth pony magic meant that she could still feel chipper after a heavy night’s drinking, but the sight of paperwork meant that she wanted to have a headache so that she had an excuse to avoid paperwork. Sighing, she picked up a pen and started shuffling through the papers. If she didn’t deal with this paperwork now, it’d start growing and growing, eventually becoming a giant paperwork monster that would have to be banished into the depths of Tartarus. She'd learned her mistake after the first two times that had happened.

They were all complaints, but complaints of such a devious, twisted nature that it made ones sanity start to leak out of their ears. First complaint, the regular one from Lyra complaining about ‘discriminatory benches.’ She threw that one over her shoulder and read the second one, a request from Twilight Sparkle for more books. After tossing it onto the floor and thus halving her overall paperwork, she got to the more… unusual complaints. There was a request for clouds to be made of cotton candy by the weather factory. Another request that was thrown out of hoof. Pinkie Pie requesting a dozen afro wigs. Signed and filed (best not to question Pinkie, one half of her logical mind thought, while the other half pondered the meaning of the afro wigs.) A proposal to declare war on the moon. Scrunched up and thrown away. A disturbingly detailed request, from Hugh Jelly, to have a giant jelly vat installed in his house. After thinking about it, she reluctantly signed, as that would stop him from doing it in public. She looked at the pile and sighed. Four requests, and already she felt like she needed a drink.

Thus far, every complaint was for something that was wholly stupid, irrelevant, foolish or downright dangerous (one request from the past to allow the use of heavy explosives to unblock toilets came to mind.) Ivory Scroll facehoofed, trying to think of an idea to lighten her absolutely GIGANTIC workload. She racked her brains, trying to think of a way to reduce it. She’d tried everything to reduce the size of the paperwork. She’d assigned clerks to deal with most of the paperwork. One of them was now in the insane asylum and she’d stopped the practice. She’d tried to put Pinkie Pie on the job, reasoning that the mare was crazy enough that it wouldn’t affect her, but she’d had to stop that after a cake the size of a house was baked using the town treasury’s money. She’d tried everything to lighten the load, but nothing ever worked.

Her face broke out into a cruel smile.
Why not just make a simple LIST of rules that everypony would have to follow? Simple and impossible to misconstrue. Filled with energy to continue, she grabbed her pen and called her assistant, Time Turner. While she was waiting, she grabbed her pen and wrote with renewed fervour.

After five minutes of hard work, there was a knock on the door.
“Come in, Time Turner.” The stallion complied, shaggy brown mane and tired blue eyes greeting her. Over twenty years of working together, and they were very good friends.
“Sorry I was a bit late.” He winced; he’d not slept much at all last night, and he had been sleeping when he’d been called. Still, as the official timekeeper, he was one of the first to know about anything that the mayor had been thinking about.
“Time Turner, I have an idea to reduce the paperwork.” He directed an eye up at the pile of paper and looked at her.
“Really? Because if it’s me helping out, remember what happened to the last clerk.” Ivory Scroll scowled.
“Started acting like a dog, I know. No, what I’ve got in store is to simple write out a list of things that the citizens of Ponyville are not allowed to send complaints or requests for. Sound simple?” It was simple. Too simple.
“It sounds like a good idea! When can we do it?” This time, Ivory Scroll was smiling a bit more like a predator.

The next day, the populace of Ponyville was standing around watching Ivory Scroll hammering up a very, VERY long list. That done, she sat back on her haunches.
“Could somepony read this? I’ve not had a lot of sleep after writing this.” Twilight Sparkle hesitantly came forth and started reading.

List of things that the citizens of Ponyville are not allowed to do.
1. The Cutie Mark Crusaders, no matter how well their letter is written, will not be allowed to work as clerks, timekeepers, judges, errand mares, or any position in the office.
2. Yes, clothing is allowed. No, dressing up like a gimp in public is still a criminal offence, no matter if it is clothing or not.
3. Stop trying to send false requests for other ponies. I know who you are really.
4. I don’t care how many diagrams you draw, I am not going to allow you to set up an arena for a card game. The logistics of your arena alone, which would be the size of Canterlot Palace, are enough to deny this. Magic: The Gathering is not important enough to warrant its own castle.
5. Pegasi are to stop moving clouds into buildings. They burst and make a lot of mess.
6. Unicorns are to stop levitating sleeping cows and turning them upside down. It’s not funny and constitutes as assault.
7. Earth ponies are to stop taunting unicorns with, “if it wasn’t for us, you’d all be starving.” Its hurting ponies’ feelings.
8. Stop sending complaints about the arcade. Young foals are simply trying to have fun in a non-destructive way.
9. We are not declaring war on the moon using trained foals to shoot the ‘moonites.’
10. If you’re into that, a personal jelly vat, in a private place, is acceptable. We don’t want to see it. Neither do we want a communal jelly vat.
11. Anypony with a pet parasprite is informed that they are technically wild, dangerous animals that reproduce by eating. As such, keep food in a secure place, otherwise we’ll have a repeat of the Princess Visit Fiasco.
12. Pets like cats and dogs are okay. Other animals like owls and crocodiles are also okay, though weird. Humans are NOT pets.
13. Dynamite is not a suitable building material.
14. Gates randomly opening into Tartarus are a common enough hazard. The standard procedure for this is to carefully walk around it, and get Fluttershy to deal with Cerberus. Do not, under any circumstances, declare war on Tartarus.
15. “Want it, need it” spells are forbidden from being cast at any time.
16. If you’re going to fly overhead, try to avoid drooling. We’re getting complaints of eye injuries from high speed dribble.
17. We are not installing a cloud bank. Cloud banks are industrial sized lumps of clouds that are stored in case of drought. Thus, the request for one to be installed is denied pre-emptively.
18. We are not going to make every drinking water pipe be filled with chocolate milk. The costs alone are astronomical.
19. Should a public brawl start, don’t start taking bets on the winner.
20. Also, don't say that they are ‘having a lovers’ spat.’ The damage from that incident with Applejack and Carrot Top is still being paid off.
21. When enraged, please try not to spontaneously combust. We’re losing a lot of money trying to repair all the burn damage this has caused.
22. Don’t question why Pinkie Pie does what she does. Instead, join in. It’ll help.
23. Pinkie Pie, throwing birthday parties are fine. Throwing anniversary parties are also fine. Throwing a party every day of the week as a ‘celebration of a brand new day’ party is going to get old fast. Maybe one party a month.
24. Please stop requesting things that our budget doesn't cover. I feel bad having to deny your requests.
25. The benches have not changed design since the days of Ponyville’s founding. They are not going to change.
26. While the gesture is appreciated, I am NOT allowing ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders Town repair mares.’
27. I am not going to approve any request that has ‘corn,’ ‘farts,’ ‘Pinkie Pie,’ and ‘giant cart,’ in the same sentence.
28. While musical freedom is encouraged, Cutie Mark Crusaders Glam Folk Disco Rock Musicians are not allowed to ever perform within a ten mile radius of Ponyville.
29. Stop sending me requests that ask me to install a strip club in Ponyville.
30. Applejack, I applaud your common sense. However, your proposal to increase apple production, thus gaining more cider, is held back by the fact that your proposal would cover half of the Equestrian continent.
31. Big Mac, while your requests are more legible and to the point than many of the complaints on my desk, your proposal for a counting device powered by storm clouds is still rejected.
32. Snowflake, I cannot grant your requests, seeing as they consist exclusively of you writing out “YEAH!” repeatedly. Unless you write out what you want, I cannot help you with anything.
33. Twilight Sparkle, your library has over nine thousand books currently there. You do not need any more books.
34. The Everfree Forest is there to stay. Thusly, I must request that any request to burn it down would be frowned upon by the Princess.
35. Rainbow Dash, for the last time, I am not agreeing to your request for a thunderhoof arena to be constructed here. Thunderhoof is a dangerous pegasus sport with over a hundred ponies sent to hospital with heart attacks, sprains, broken wings and peer pressure a week. Stop doodling on the request form, by the way.
36. I cannot comprehend why anypony would even think about building a cannon that could fire flowers over a distance of 10,000 kilometres, and any request that is like this is now dismissed out of hoof immediately.
37. Humans come through here just about every day it seems. The rifts through they appear are completely random. Thus, complaints of humans appearing in awkward situations, such as when on the toilet, are dismissed out of hoof.
38. Please, please stop complaining over how houses are bigger on the inside. It’s magic.
39. We are not Cloudsdale. Thus, we cannot make cotton candy clouds. Instead, send the issue towards Cloudsdale, let them deal with it.
40. Lots of ponies look similar. Thus, if you spot somepony who looks like you, the proper response should be asking them a personal question, not immediately scream and then buck them in the face for fear of changelings.
41. We are not declaring war on the ground. That proposal is so outright foolish that I almost approved based on how confused I was.
42. Don’t poke crystal ponies to see of they are really made of gemstones.
43. Rarity, if you must panic in the morning, then please do so quietly. There are complaints of your whining from across town.
44. If a human makes you feel uncomfortable with their presence, the proper response is to ask them to stop whatever it is that’s causing you to be uncomfortable, not pull out a can of mace.
45. Nurse Redheart wants to inform all of you that Rainbow Dash’s remarkably quick healing is only for her in relation to her cutie mark, not actual medicine.
46. I am not authorising a Running of the Leaves where the leaves are replaced with candy, Pinkie Pie.
47. Street music is appreciated, except when it is any kind of song that involves heavy dancing. Two ponies were rushed to hospital after suffering heart attacks.
48. I am not authorising a play depicting the Invasion of Canterlot by Changelings, written by and starring the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
49. Spoiling a good book is not enough to justify a complaint in my eyes.
50. Finally, I must ask everypony to stop requesting their own human. It’ll happen eventually, just let it do so.

Twilight Sparkle finally stopped reading. Every pony was looking around, muttering. Ivory Scroll, satisfied, turned to leave for home- it had been a long day, and she was going to have a long, long break from the craziness that was Ponyville.

She returned to work the next day, chipper and eager. She opened the door to her office…
And a new mountain of paperwork waited for her. She blinked a couple of times, then shakily closed the door. She had forgotten the one unspoken rule of Ponyville: if it seems foalproof, they'll find a way around it.

All around Ponyville, ponies jerked their heads up as a scream of pure despair and pain echoed throughout the town. When it stopped, they looked at each other, shrugged, and got on with their lives.

Author's Note:

Yay! I'm finally uploading things!
These were silly little ideas that I thought of. Reviews are appreciated. I want people to tell me what went well and what didn't, otherwise, how will I improve as an author?