Fifty things that Ponyville citizens are not allowed to do
Things that Ponyville citizens are not allowed to do.
Ivory Scroll was looking wearily at the large bottle of Stalliongrad vodka currently sitting on her desk. Being the mayor of a town of madponies was not how she’d seen her tenure as Ponyville Mayor going. Every week, it seemed, something utterly insane was happening. Sometimes, when you looked at the destruction, she could swear that something bad happened every day. It was statistically improbable for something like this to happen, but after seeing so much weird stuff happening, the only thing you could say to statistics was, “buck you and your false reassurance.”
(She’d already said that several times, such as after one of Pinkie Pie’s escapades.)
Something had to be done about this. She looked over the stack of paperwork she’d been studiously avoiding as she’d focused wholeheartedly on getting drunk the night before. A stack of papers of cyclopean dimensions, that she could swear was warping a hole in the fabric of reality due to how gargantuan it was.
It was only this morning’s paperwork, and if she didn’t do something about it, it would grow bigger and bigger. She sighed, looking back at the bottle, mourning its emptiness from the night before. Earth pony magic meant that she could still feel chipper after a heavy night’s drinking, but the sight of paperwork meant that she wanted to have a headache so that she had an excuse to avoid paperwork. Sighing, she picked up a pen and started shuffling through the papers. If she didn’t deal with this paperwork now, it’d start growing and growing, eventually becoming a giant paperwork monster that would have to be banished into the depths of Tartarus. She'd learned her mistake after the first two times that had happened.
They were all complaints, but complaints of such a devious, twisted nature that it made ones sanity start to leak out of their ears. First complaint, the regular one from Lyra complaining about ‘discriminatory benches.’ She threw that one over her shoulder and read the second one, a request from Twilight Sparkle for more books. After tossing it onto the floor and thus halving her overall paperwork, she got to the more… unusual complaints. There was a request for clouds to be made of cotton candy by the weather factory. Another request that was thrown out of hoof. Pinkie Pie requesting a dozen afro wigs. Signed and filed (best not to question Pinkie, one half of her logical mind thought, while the other half pondered the meaning of the afro wigs.) A proposal to declare war on the moon. Scrunched up and thrown away. A disturbingly detailed request, from Hugh Jelly, to have a giant jelly vat installed in his house. After thinking about it, she reluctantly signed, as that would stop him from doing it in public. She looked at the pile and sighed. Four requests, and already she felt like she needed a drink.
Thus far, every complaint was for something that was wholly stupid, irrelevant, foolish or downright dangerous (one request from the past to allow the use of heavy explosives to unblock toilets came to mind.) Ivory Scroll facehoofed, trying to think of an idea to lighten her absolutely GIGANTIC workload. She racked her brains, trying to think of a way to reduce it. She’d tried everything to reduce the size of the paperwork. She’d assigned clerks to deal with most of the paperwork. One of them was now in the insane asylum and she’d stopped the practice. She’d tried to put Pinkie Pie on the job, reasoning that the mare was crazy enough that it wouldn’t affect her, but she’d had to stop that after a cake the size of a house was baked using the town treasury’s money. She’d tried everything to lighten the load, but nothing ever worked.
Unless…
Her face broke out into a cruel smile.
Why not just make a simple LIST of rules that everypony would have to follow? Simple and impossible to misconstrue. Filled with energy to continue, she grabbed her pen and called her assistant, Time Turner. While she was waiting, she grabbed her pen and wrote with renewed fervour.
After five minutes of hard work, there was a knock on the door.
“Come in, Time Turner.” The stallion complied, shaggy brown mane and tired blue eyes greeting her. Over twenty years of working together, and they were very good friends.
“Sorry I was a bit late.” He winced; he’d not slept much at all last night, and he had been sleeping when he’d been called. Still, as the official timekeeper, he was one of the first to know about anything that the mayor had been thinking about.
“Time Turner, I have an idea to reduce the paperwork.” He directed an eye up at the pile of paper and looked at her.
“Really? Because if it’s me helping out, remember what happened to the last clerk.” Ivory Scroll scowled.
“Started acting like a dog, I know. No, what I’ve got in store is to simple write out a list of things that the citizens of Ponyville are not allowed to send complaints or requests for. Sound simple?” It was simple. Too simple.
“It sounds like a good idea! When can we do it?” This time, Ivory Scroll was smiling a bit more like a predator.
“Tomorrow.”
The next day, the populace of Ponyville was standing around watching Ivory Scroll hammering up a very, VERY long list. That done, she sat back on her haunches.
“Could somepony read this? I’ve not had a lot of sleep after writing this.” Twilight Sparkle hesitantly came forth and started reading.
List of things that the citizens of Ponyville are not allowed to do.
1. The Cutie Mark Crusaders, no matter how well their letter is written, will not be allowed to work as clerks, timekeepers, judges, errand mares, or any position in the office.
2. Yes, clothing is allowed. No, dressing up like a gimp in public is still a criminal offence, no matter if it is clothing or not.
3. Stop trying to send false requests for other ponies. I know who you are really.
4. I don’t care how many diagrams you draw, I am not going to allow you to set up an arena for a card game. The logistics of your arena alone, which would be the size of Canterlot Palace, are enough to deny this. Magic: The Gathering is not important enough to warrant its own castle.
5. Pegasi are to stop moving clouds into buildings. They burst and make a lot of mess.
6. Unicorns are to stop levitating sleeping cows and turning them upside down. It’s not funny and constitutes as assault.
7. Earth ponies are to stop taunting unicorns with, “if it wasn’t for us, you’d all be starving.” Its hurting ponies’ feelings.
8. Stop sending complaints about the arcade. Young foals are simply trying to have fun in a non-destructive way.
9. We are not declaring war on the moon using trained foals to shoot the ‘moonites.’
10. If you’re into that, a personal jelly vat, in a private place, is acceptable. We don’t want to see it. Neither do we want a communal jelly vat.
11. Anypony with a pet parasprite is informed that they are technically wild, dangerous animals that reproduce by eating. As such, keep food in a secure place, otherwise we’ll have a repeat of the Princess Visit Fiasco.
12. Pets like cats and dogs are okay. Other animals like owls and crocodiles are also okay, though weird. Humans are NOT pets.
13. Dynamite is not a suitable building material.
14. Gates randomly opening into Tartarus are a common enough hazard. The standard procedure for this is to carefully walk around it, and get Fluttershy to deal with Cerberus. Do not, under any circumstances, declare war on Tartarus.
15. “Want it, need it” spells are forbidden from being cast at any time.
16. If you’re going to fly overhead, try to avoid drooling. We’re getting complaints of eye injuries from high speed dribble.
17. We are not installing a cloud bank. Cloud banks are industrial sized lumps of clouds that are stored in case of drought. Thus, the request for one to be installed is denied pre-emptively.
18. We are not going to make every drinking water pipe be filled with chocolate milk. The costs alone are astronomical.
19. Should a public brawl start, don’t start taking bets on the winner.
20. Also, don't say that they are ‘having a lovers’ spat.’ The damage from that incident with Applejack and Carrot Top is still being paid off.
21. When enraged, please try not to spontaneously combust. We’re losing a lot of money trying to repair all the burn damage this has caused.
22. Don’t question why Pinkie Pie does what she does. Instead, join in. It’ll help.
23. Pinkie Pie, throwing birthday parties are fine. Throwing anniversary parties are also fine. Throwing a party every day of the week as a ‘celebration of a brand new day’ party is going to get old fast. Maybe one party a month.
24. Please stop requesting things that our budget doesn't cover. I feel bad having to deny your requests.
25. The benches have not changed design since the days of Ponyville’s founding. They are not going to change.
26. While the gesture is appreciated, I am NOT allowing ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders Town repair mares.’
27. I am not going to approve any request that has ‘corn,’ ‘farts,’ ‘Pinkie Pie,’ and ‘giant cart,’ in the same sentence.
28. While musical freedom is encouraged, Cutie Mark Crusaders Glam Folk Disco Rock Musicians are not allowed to ever perform within a ten mile radius of Ponyville.
29. Stop sending me requests that ask me to install a strip club in Ponyville.
30. Applejack, I applaud your common sense. However, your proposal to increase apple production, thus gaining more cider, is held back by the fact that your proposal would cover half of the Equestrian continent.
31. Big Mac, while your requests are more legible and to the point than many of the complaints on my desk, your proposal for a counting device powered by storm clouds is still rejected.
32. Snowflake, I cannot grant your requests, seeing as they consist exclusively of you writing out “YEAH!” repeatedly. Unless you write out what you want, I cannot help you with anything.
33. Twilight Sparkle, your library has over nine thousand books currently there. You do not need any more books.
34. The Everfree Forest is there to stay. Thusly, I must request that any request to burn it down would be frowned upon by the Princess.
35. Rainbow Dash, for the last time, I am not agreeing to your request for a thunderhoof arena to be constructed here. Thunderhoof is a dangerous pegasus sport with over a hundred ponies sent to hospital with heart attacks, sprains, broken wings and peer pressure a week. Stop doodling on the request form, by the way.
36. I cannot comprehend why anypony would even think about building a cannon that could fire flowers over a distance of 10,000 kilometres, and any request that is like this is now dismissed out of hoof immediately.
37. Humans come through here just about every day it seems. The rifts through they appear are completely random. Thus, complaints of humans appearing in awkward situations, such as when on the toilet, are dismissed out of hoof.
38. Please, please stop complaining over how houses are bigger on the inside. It’s magic.
39. We are not Cloudsdale. Thus, we cannot make cotton candy clouds. Instead, send the issue towards Cloudsdale, let them deal with it.
40. Lots of ponies look similar. Thus, if you spot somepony who looks like you, the proper response should be asking them a personal question, not immediately scream and then buck them in the face for fear of changelings.
41. We are not declaring war on the ground. That proposal is so outright foolish that I almost approved based on how confused I was.
42. Don’t poke crystal ponies to see of they are really made of gemstones.
43. Rarity, if you must panic in the morning, then please do so quietly. There are complaints of your whining from across town.
44. If a human makes you feel uncomfortable with their presence, the proper response is to ask them to stop whatever it is that’s causing you to be uncomfortable, not pull out a can of mace.
45. Nurse Redheart wants to inform all of you that Rainbow Dash’s remarkably quick healing is only for her in relation to her cutie mark, not actual medicine.
46. I am not authorising a Running of the Leaves where the leaves are replaced with candy, Pinkie Pie.
47. Street music is appreciated, except when it is any kind of song that involves heavy dancing. Two ponies were rushed to hospital after suffering heart attacks.
48. I am not authorising a play depicting the Invasion of Canterlot by Changelings, written by and starring the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
49. Spoiling a good book is not enough to justify a complaint in my eyes.
50. Finally, I must ask everypony to stop requesting their own human. It’ll happen eventually, just let it do so.
Twilight Sparkle finally stopped reading. Every pony was looking around, muttering. Ivory Scroll, satisfied, turned to leave for home- it had been a long day, and she was going to have a long, long break from the craziness that was Ponyville.
She returned to work the next day, chipper and eager. She opened the door to her office…
And a new mountain of paperwork waited for her. She blinked a couple of times, then shakily closed the door. She had forgotten the one unspoken rule of Ponyville: if it seems foalproof, they'll find a way around it.
All around Ponyville, ponies jerked their heads up as a scream of pure despair and pain echoed throughout the town. When it stopped, they looked at each other, shrugged, and got on with their lives.
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Great job throwing Magic the Gathering in there im a huge fan of magic
Honeytiger demands more things be added to the list! So many things have been left out!
3581186
I wrote this at twelve o'clock at night, these were all I could think about. I appreciate it, but I'll write more when I feel like it and have more inspiration.
There were a few sentences in there that didn't make too much sense, but that aside, it was a pretty funny story.
PLEASE STOP EATING THE HELL BUTTERFLIES.
Very funny. Would a story like that which was changeling related be ok if I wrote it?
3581279
Please tell me. I'd like to know. Really. I want to improve.
3582190
YES.
A MAJOR INSPIRATION TO ME.
GO READ IT NOW.
WHY AM I YELLING.
3582202
Hey, I don't own the fanfiction market on this idea. Go ahead! I don't care if it's similar or different, just give it a shot!
3582242
Hell, I didn't think it would get past moderators. I just wrote this as an experiment that other people have already done in other fandoms.
This was awesome. Nuff said.
3582243 Dat profile pic doe...
Yeah, I mean... what´s the deal about having a nightmarish forest full of monsters and carnivore plants just outside the town?
Hmm, reminds me of this
Ah, Skippy's List-esque ordeal. I can see this sort of thing happening in the show (and not working at all).
What you did right: writing this.
What you did wrong: not making a sequel!
I'm not sure what I just read but I liked it
More rules, please! Maybe subsequent editions focusing on the antics of specific ponies?
Please make a sequel and the resulting chaos, either as a news paper report or something else. Well if ya want to, if someone wants to, I can't write stories that well.
Anywho, I love this story!
LIES!
It's obvious that the inhabitants of Ponyville learned how to build their houses with help from Time Turner.
I bet it took a while for you to write that list. I tend to dodge any fimfic with humans in it, as I see those spastic earth-monkeys every day at my job. Give me pony goodness (or badness
) any day. I'm giving this an upvote.
You know, being a Mayor means she has to know all the laws. Yet, she seems to have forgotten one of the most important laws that exist: Murphy's Law.
You mean facehoofed? Didn't see an anthro tag so I'd assume their normal ponies.
3586215
Wow, really? Fuck.
Edit: Has now been corrected.
Ah, screw it. As soon as I feel like it, I'll add on another chapter of madness.
>Rule 34
>Involves Everfree Forest
>Dat S4 Opener
>Huehuehue
>Mfw
i1297.photobucket.com/albums/ag40/Shanenator777/ExcellentBetter.jpg
All silliness aside, this was a delightful delve into the land of...well, silliness. The jelly guy's request especially made me laugh. Nice little story here!
3587031
Shane, quit being diabolical. Someone's going to get their feelings hurt.
Oh, by the way
LOL
3583592
Thank you for linking that. That was time well spent reading. A lot of those were downright hilarious.
If you were to add more, maybe Twilight should get her own personal list for things the Princess of Friendship cannot request. (Though maybe that wouldn't quite work since Twilight would kind of overrule the Mayor.)
twilight.ponychan.net/chan/fic/src/131767576724.png
LOL hilarious!
Ivory scroll, your an idiot. Magic the gathering deserves 100 arenas!
im gonna do one
can i use a few of these?
YES IT IS GODDAMNIT
3589632
You should really come up with your own. I'm gonna say no to that. Sorry bout that.
3590476 *shrugs* ok then
i would like to know what is going on with the humans
When making something foolproof, never underestimate the creative ingenuity of the common fool.
51. twilight was a one off thing there is no form to become an alicorn neither should you ask.
This kind of reminds me of another list of things people are not allowed to do.
This is why ponies are great, instead of going "hey there about a million horrible things we could do that are not mentioned on this" they go "eh" and get on with there lives. Seriously if those were the only rules in any human town there would be anarchy
My... sides...
This made me genuinely laugh out loud. And that is not an easy thing to do.
You have my full backing for any future developments.
Side note: Ivory Scroll and Time Turner?
Hmm, alternate namesakes. We have that a lot in MLP. 
I still love how both of Dr. Whooves'/Time Turners's names reference a large fandom.
The requests were cool but the paper monster was the best part.
lol, nice list, Here's one for you
Rule 51: Pinkie, your request to install Party Cannon's in every house in Ponyville is denied. Judging by the plans you drew, it would go off every 3.4 seconds and cause severe ear trauma. Not to mention the number of complaints I'd receive for cannon induced insomnia would be incredible.
YOU BLASPHEMER!
quickmeme.com/img/17/17e5a4a7b9659c8005af37b178927cc7253a0a28053e71507f98819a3d891506.jpg
Dat Strax. I see what you did there. Also,
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/335/a/6/blasphemy__gif_practice_by_angel_of_the_dark12-d4hwbpv.gif
3583552
The tree of harmony lives there. It's canon.
Destroy the tree of harmony and Equestria falls.
3587431 Celestia can overrule her, though.
Probably.
Haha, this is like a Skippy's List XD Nice!