Another fifty things that Ponyville citizens are not allowed to do
Ivory Scroll looked at her paperwork and simply sighed. She could feel the weight of the work crushing on her, like that other clerk that had started to go insane. Nothing for it but for another list.
"All work and no play makes Ivory Scroll a dull mare. All work and no play makes Ivory Scroll a dull mare. All work and no play makes-"
Whang.
Time Turner looked at the slumbering body of Ivory Scroll, and spat out the frying pan.
"Right, let's get some of this done. Sweet dreams, Ivory."
Ponyville citizens were greeted with another long list of things that they were specifically forbidden to do. Ivory Scroll slumped down at the base of the wall she'd hammered it into, slumbering with the most peaceful expression on her face. After making sure that she was back in her house safely, Twilight Sparkle looked around.
"Okay, I read the last two lists. Anypony else want to make a try of it?" Everypony mumbled vague dissent. Spike raised his claw.
"I can do it!" Twilight smiled and levitated him onto her back so that he could get a better view of the list.
101: Please don't complain about the spontaneus combustion of Twilight affecting your business. She tries to keep it under control.
Spike raised an eyebrow.
"What on Equestria's that about, Twilight?" She blushed and avoided eye contact.
102: Crystal ponies are not actually made of crystal, Rarity and Spike.
103: Rainbow Dash makes a valid point. From now on, ponies are only allowed to buy a maximum of 5 apple ciders during cider season, unless you're willing to pay double.
Pinkie Pie collapsed.
"But... my cider needs... FIVE IS NOT ENOUGH!" Applejack looked on with an amused eye.
"Well, maybe this year other ponies'll get some, Pinkie." Pinkie's mane deflated and darkened.
"But I'm not Generosity! Aw..."
104: That said, Pinkie, you win. You may have your 'Pie Party' on the date that you set up.
"Yay!" Her mane poofed back up to be even frizzier than ever. Spike and Twilight mutually shrugged and continued reading.
105: Spike is no longer allowed to compete in bake sales. Your Sapphire and Vanilla cake was inedible by pony standards.
"Aw man!" Spike grumbled, pouting moodily.
106: Discord, don't try to help the Cutie Mark Crusaders get their Cutie Marks with any more of the following things: rubber chickens, mining explosives, opera, fossils in the shape of a helix or dome, or houses.
"You're no fun, Ivory. No fun at all." Discord moped in mid-air.
107: Discord, when you're complaining, don't make your entire sheet just say UP UP9 ANARCHY B9 PRAISE HELIX GUYS WE NEED TO MILK WHITNEY, etc. The fact that you are writing in crayon makes it even harder to read.
108: To Solaire of Astora: Please stop stealing lightbulbs and claiming them as your 'Suns.'
109: Stop writing your complaint forms in the following substances: crayon, mud, blood, pus, lemon juice, crushed ants and paint. Discord is exempt from this rule, as he would do so anyway.
"You are such a party pooper, Ivory." Discord clacked his eagle talon idly.
110: Please stop complaining about the lack of Internet, humans. We don't have your super-advanced technology that can send messages across the globe faster than Rainbow Dash can boast.
111: As Mr and Mrs Cake have explained to new ponies thousands of times, Sugarcube Corner is not actually either made of gingerbread or sugarcubes. Please stop complaining about chipping a tooth on the building.
112: Planeswalkers are not to be bothered at all. They are incredibly powerful.
113: Stop sending me requests to have the post of 'Ponyville Official Pimp' even made. Why would you want this?
114: If a human asks you to play Dwarf Fortress or Dark Souls you say no.
115: Don't complain that you can't take superpowers from the Power Ponies comics.
116: Similarly, don't abandon your house just to live in the comic 24/7. You have a family.
117: Humans are to stop taking pornographic comics to the enchanter who makes them to try and get sexual relief that way. Your god made you with hands for a reason.
118: Next time, Time Turner, when your identical twin Doctor Whooves comes to visit, warn ponies. The stallion is a repeated sex offender in a blue box.
Time Turner winced at that, discreetly checking his diary to find when his brother was next coming to visit.
119: I don't care if you have a good reason, you DON'T use dynamite to clean your toilet of stubborn stains.
120: The Cutie Mark Crusaders are to never be allowed within 12 feet of toilet cleaning products. Let's just leave it at that.
121: Humans are to stop trying to get members of the Elements of Harmony sexually or romantically interested with other members of the Elements or other ponies. These attempts always end badly.
122: Given the recent influx of humans coming here dressed up and then spontaneously going, for want of a better word, 'evil,' Elements of Harmony are reminded to fire Elements first, ask questions later.
123: Manticores are not pets, Fluttershy.
124: Neither are changelings.
125: Neither is a sentient tree. Fluttershy, where did you even FIND a sentient tree?
126: Cake is not a suitable building material. I had to shoot Mr and Mrs Cake down from making their bakery out of gingerbread because customers would have eaten the whole thing within days. Plus, cake has a tendency to go off.
127: 'But my fanfic had it' is no excuse. Just because your protagonist who looked suspiciously similar to you found a magical katana made of the seventh Element of Harmony, Awesomeness, doesn't mean that you will find it.
128: Stop saying, 'Shrek is love. Shrek is life.' It's getting creepy.
129: Stop requesting a tannery, creepy ponies. It'll stink to high heaven.
130: From here on out, if you make your request sheet into a paper airplane and then throw it at my head because you're bored, it goes straight to the furnace.
131: The same goes for tearing it up and sticking it to your eyelids and tongue.
132: I will, however, make an exception for origami cranes, provided that they're done by hoof.
133: Discord, the first time you did 'The Harlem Shake,' it was funny. The second, third, and fiftieth times were not. Plus, it's getting... predictable.
"OH YOU-" Discord was reduced to sucking his thumb and rocking back and forth in the air like a baby being told that he has to make the airplane go into his own mouth. Fluttershy tried to comfort him as Spike continued.
134: DJ P0N-3 dropping an actual bass was funny the first time, not the one after that.
135: To the Apple family: Your marketing decisions for cider look like they were made by a cat.
Applejack shiftily fed a small cat with a smug grin on its face.
136: Discord, cheese is not an acceptable paper to write complaints on.
137: To the ponies who keep sending me requests to 'come in like a wrecking ball:' not interested, and I'm too old for that.
138: Disco is officially dead. Stop complaining that the local discotheque is shut down.
139: Doctor Ironhooves' mane is NOT a muffin.
140: Twilight's coronation was a surprise to us all. Please stop sending me requests to buy a pole and firewood to burn her, humans. She earned the right to call herself Princess.
141: How many times do I have to say this, MY NAME IS IVORY SCROLL, NOT MAYOR MARE.
142: Stop sending me a whole book of complaints. I don't have the time or patience to burrow through your epic novel.
143: Please stop giving me advice on how to retain my youth. I know that I need to stop being so stressed out.
144: In retrospect, this one was obvious: Stop complaining about Spike's terrible moonlight serenades of Rarity. If you feel that it's too much, try to stop the practically invulnerable dragon who can teleport you to Celestia.
"I resent that." Spike rubbed his chin. Although... maybe he should actually practice his songs. Or learn how to play the guitar.
145: Spike, stop complaining about the lack of lavabaths at the spa. Not everybody has scales that make them almost impervious to all forms of damage.
"Oh come on! I have to go like twelve miles for a decent lava bath!" Spike stared into other ponies' eyes. "What? It's perfectly- okay, okay, I'll keep reading."
146: The proper response to evil invading dark lords scheming to take over the world is to scream in terror, not offer them tea and a biscuit. Sure, it confuses the hell out of them, but sometimes it just annoys them. Just look at that Jason fellow.
147: ATTENTION ALL: Fluffle Puff is to be given the Derpy, Discord and Pinkie Pie policy: They're weird, uncontrollable forces of nature, but they mean well.
"Pbttfh."
Spike looked at the huge mass of pink fur.
"Uh, sure. Whatever."
148: Don't complain when you feed your mogwais after midnight. In fact, tell us so that we can deal with them.
149: When Celestia appears, the proper response is to be polite, or bow. It is NOT an excuse to run amock.
150: Finally, PLEASE give me at least a day to get my head in order. I need sleep.
Spike finished reading.
"Huh. Guess we should probably stop sending her requests and stuff." The other ponies had the good grace to look ashamed.
After a glorious two days of doing nothing, Ivory Scroll felt as if she could tackle any amount of paperwork. Looking at the mountain of requests and complaints that greeted her, she smiled and got to work, only the faintest twitch in her eye giving any indication of her mental strain.
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137 is pure epicness
... Where did you get that Gremlin, Fluttershy?
"It's soooo cuuuutteeee! And it was hungry!"
Drop it.
Hisssssss
OH SHIT! IT'S AWAKE!
DAMMIITTTT FLLUUTTTTEERRRSHHHYYY!
This is not a one shot (anymore), you should probably remove that from it's description
3583552 My personal headcanon is that originally, Equestria was full of wild magic. Monsters, naturally growing plants, that sort of thing. Then, when the Princesses came to power, they pushed all the wild magic back, cleansing the land. Magic, like any other form of energy, can neither be created nor destroyed, so they needed somewhere out of the way to put all the wild magic. Everfree is basically all the wild magic they swept under the rug, concentrated in one place.
4051508
yes e[ic movie there lol
wait... offering evil overlords tea and cookies isnt allowed? but their faces are hilarious
4051716 Well, there goes my number seven reason to be an evil overlord!
So anyway, hasn't this been set as "Completed" the last two updates?
4051716 well we can still offer them juice and cake
Just after chapter three, I decided to make a full compilation of the rules in this story. I'll try to update it as more chapters are published.
There's also a published version, if you're interested.
UP DOWN ANARCHY LEFT LEFT DEMOCRACY RIGHT RIGHT UP LEFT DOWN PRAISE HELIX DOWN DOWN BIRD JESUS UP UP ANARCHY BURN FALSE PROPHET FLAREON ANARCHY ANARCHY DEMOCRACY
Hah! As if rule 122 will stop us!
Nothing can, anymore.
That 107...
I loved it from the moment it started.
START9 UP UP UP B A B DOWN UP B START9 DOWN9 A A
Gotta love 108 and 128.
Would it be a little too unoriginal if I made a list of things simply humans aren't allowed to do?
So that we could use them to get ponies hot between the withers?
Wait, did I say that aloud just now?
4051280
I...have to agree with that. xD
4052465 It most certainly won't stop me. I mean seriously, they think a rainbow has any chance of defeating the human spirit of independence, they've got another thing coming, it'd be a two megaton warhead, but NATO declined my request to unlock the nuclear launch codes.
But, Solaire can't have Celestia, and he needs his Sun...
I wish to make a request...
The destruction of all Equestria in the name of Lord Nicol Bolas!
... Or at least the destruction of Canterlot.
OBJECTION!
Isn't the 'Fire first, ask later' policy the reason MOST of them turn evil in the first place? Rainbow Dash is particularly guilty of this.
Also, most of the time, they forget the 'ASK' part.
you welcome for adding the 405th like so we can find the likes again
4055994 Pfeh. I've got a handheld nuclear missile launcher. And I can just noclip out of the way of tasting the rainbow.
#youragumentisinvalid
4250243 I recently designed, prototyped, and built a new bomb, I like to call the Quasar Bomb. Lets see the Equestrians deal with a planet sized black hole.
4251826 Good work, now put it into missile form and I'll redesign my launcher and give it to you.
4252789 But it drops through a quantum fissure, why have a launcher when I can have it appear at my target and explode?
4253264 You have a portal gun?!?!?!
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS BEFORE?!?!?!?!
4253464 No, I just happen to have a device that can punch holes in the fabric of the universe.
4255623 Oh.
Well then, let's pool our weapons. I, for example, have a handheld O.F.C., as well as a meteor launcher. And when I said handheld nuclear missile luancher, I was talking about a Davy Crockett. I just happen to also have the R.L. version of "Nuke Pack 4." Oh, and one cannot forget the Physics Gun. What about you?
4255656 I have a gun that constructs its own bullets. Said bullets are actually made of compressed universes. I like to call it univseranium, and it also has infinite density, so nothing can stop it. Then there's the whole slew of random weapons that I can conveniently draw at a moments notice, like an explosion gun, which shoots explosions.
4255671 I have, like, 200 something addons. Who needs bullets when you can disable physics? Also, I can spawn armies, turrets, and a myriad of other things. My turrets fire 20 bullets every point zero one seconds, each bullet does enough damage to kill you if it's a headshot and has enough force to take your head off regardless of weather or not it manages to kill you. As in, pretty much everything I can do is an instant 'fuck you' power. How's about you?
4255722 I'm Jesus.
4255726 Good for you. I'm the God Of Darkness. (G.O.D.) I have the abilities of Gmod, Minecraft, Wizard 101, Power equal to 10^10^100^1000^10000^100000^1000000^Graham's Number^Chuck Norris times the Tree Of Harmony, and complete control over darkness.
4255753 I also have all those powers, except to t he 10^10^100. My powers measurement is bigger than the universe. I win. *Smugly swaggers away*
4255762 Right, 10^10^100. That's what I meant to say. And That figure's incorrect for me, I'll go and fix it now.
4255770 Don't make me pull out Captain Overpowered! Because I will, and then no one wins!
4255762 Fixed it.
4255762 Your argument is invalid.
4255780 He's so overpowered his mere existence validates it.
4255781 Fixed again. Try and envision THIS number, your brain turns into a black hole.
4255794 I can see the colour that pink actually is, my brain can comprehend anything.
4255799 No, I'm serious. The guys at Numberphile are serious. They can't comprehend that number, therefore neither can you.
:aj's mug:
4255815 Pink isn't a colour in the observable spectrum, the human brain merely makes it up. I can see what colour pink really is, so shut up or else Imma bring in Captain Overpowered.
4255822 ...Did I mention I can noclip and teleport anywhere I want and possess the inability to remain dead?
4255870 *Captain Overpowered punches ConEditor so hard he dies forever*
4255877 ...If reality says that me not being able to stay dead is a thing, it's damn well going to enforce that rule. I ain't on Hardcore difficulty. I have an Aimbot gun.
4255976 Captain Overpowered can destroy all of existence by sneezing. He can damn well change the base laws of the universe if he so pleases.
4257087 Yeah, and I can refuck the universal laws right back. Capt. Overpowered and I are evenly matched.
4257849 He can still beat you. He once ceased to exist. Later that week he won all the arm wrestling competitions ever and had a chocolate cake.
4261000 ...I have a sister who has all my powers, except she has complete control over light. And I haven't revealed all our powers...
4262406 Captain Overpowered is so powerful that even when he doesn't exist he can win everything. You and your sister combines would only total the amount of power he uses in on pull up.
4266244 ...Did I mention I'm a planeswalker? Yeah, I'm basically Neo on steroids.