More things that Ponyville citizens are not allowed to do.
Time Turner looked at Ivory Scroll. The poor mare was exhausted, and was slumped over her desk. She’d been here working on the paperwork for five days, only stopping for toilet breaks, meals, and sleep.
“Um, are you alright?” She shot upright, mane dishevelled and wide eyed.
“I’m fine! Never better!”
“Really.” The poor mare looked like a mental and physical wreck. The list had, in fact, worked to an extent- no request like that had been on the list had been sent. It simply seemed that Ponyville citizens could generate titanic stacks of paperwork of complaints and downright bizarre requests, even with fifty options removed.
“Alright, I’m not fine.” She threw her pen down and buried her face in her hooves.
“It should have worked. Why, on the Princesses’ good earth did it not?” Time Turner coughed.
“I think it might have been… too foalproof.” Ivory Scroll looked at him oddly.
“How on earth does something get TOO foalproof?” She waved her hoof at the paperwork angrily.
“It certainly doesn’t appear to be that way. Sometimes, I wonder if these requests aren’t simply Ponyville trying to annoy me to the point of snapping.”
“I think that can be applied to Hanlon’s Razor- never attribute what could simply be foolishness to malice.” Ivory Scroll thought about that for a second, then nodded.
“I suppose you’re right about that. Still, this paperwork is too much.” Time Turner looked at the mountain in front of him. He really did not want to be the poor pony who had to read through it and either approve or deny the requests. Ivory Scroll certainly didn’t fancy it. After that poor mare went insane after only two days of working on the paperwork, it was a wonder that she hadn’t snapped.
“Time Turner…”
“Yes?” Ivory Scroll looked exhausted, but she was grinning.
“We’re going to need a bigger list.”
The next morning, Ponyville citizens were once again greeted by the sight of Ivory Scroll hammering another long piece of paper onto the billboard. That done, she just walked off in the direction of her house.
“I am going home for a well-deserved nap, and you can’t stop me.” Twilight Sparkle looked back, shrugged, and read the list.
Fifty more things that Ponyville Citizens can’t do.
51. Outside of the Sisterhooves Social, we are not having a binge-eating contest. They’re disgusting.
52. How can you declare war on the sun? No more of these.
53. Stop complaining about musical numbers. They’re fun (if they’re not too energetic) and they just happen.
54. Humans, please stop complaining about how life in Equestria is ‘nothing like the fanfics.’ Life is not always like a story.
55. Property damage associated with the Cutie Mark Crusaders is not covered by your insurance as a force of nature, no matter how much like a force of nature they are.
56. Please stop eating butterflies. We’re getting complaints from the hospital about how many patients they’re getting with that complaint.
57. No magic used means no magic used. High power hairdryers, while admittedly useful, are enchanted and require a small pulse of magic from a gem in order to activate, so that request is shot down.
58. To whoever owns the couch that slides through town with worrying frequency, I’m going to have to ask you to stop. Over two weeks, it’s injured ten ponies.
59. Stop trying to request Princess Celestia for your foals’ birthday party. I’m sure she’d like to come, but she’s too busy running the country.
60. The craft fair is a place where we show all of our best homemade stuff. It is not a place for a cage match over what tastes better, gooseberry or fig jam.
61. Speaking of, even if it is a cage match, bets are still covered in rule 19.
62. Stop asking for a fountain in the middle of the square. Its placement makes everything, including the market, more awkward.
63. Should Princess Celestia make a surprise visit, don’t immediately scream and panic.
64. Twilight Sparkle has already told you herself, there is no form to write in order to become an alicorn.
65. Stop sending me doodles of yourselves as alicorns. I cannot make a form to apply for alicornhood.
66. Should a planeswalker decide to make a library of spells based on this plane of existence, don’t complain to us about ‘interdimensional wizards calling me a 1/1 Basic Pony, 1 white mana.’
67. Stop requesting Mortal Kombat in the arcade. I don’t want to hear complaints about how foals are becoming more violent.
68. While I may not exactly approve of human-pony relationships, I am not going to exile them from Ponyville. Love and Tolerate, remember?
69. Stop labelling your requests, “FIRST!!!!!!” It’s annoying.
70. Stop giving ponies Poison Joke as a prank. It’s not funny at all.
71. Whoever sent the request that I ‘have some sense of humour’ is reminded that I have to deal with requests like these every day.
72. Stop complaining about the list. I put that list there because I was tired of those requests.
73. Stop playing human rock music so loudly in the morning.
74. Requests for a race track are denied, as the request is too expensive.
75. There are so many requests for obscene sailor songs to be sung in public. No. There are foals here who might be influenced.
76. Stop complaining about letters taking a long time. Our mail and delivery service consists of three pegasi and whoever wants to help out.
77. Requests for a fire service, after much careful thought, were dismissed, mainly due to the difficulty of actually assembling one. Besides, we have torrential rainclouds for monsoon seasons.
78. Everypony, stop complaining about humans doing something called ‘Oppa Gangnam Style.’ We don't understand the lyrics either.
79. Whoever keeps requesting we build a giant drill in order to split the planet in two needs to stop asking.
80. Rainbow Dash, when Fluttershy came here with baby ducks, yelling, “DUCK!” and watching everypony hit the floor was pretty amusing. Deliberately releasing ducks here just to repeat the joke is getting old.
81. Just because you are an extradimensional creature that evolved from a creature that had a genetic relation to an ape does not mean that you are exempt from taxation.
82. Don’t harass Discord and then complain about having your head and tail swap places.
83. Similarly, don’t send complaints about Discord randomly removing horns or wings. Rather, direct complaints of that nature to Fluttershy, who will be more than willing to help you with getting them back.
84. Stop challenging random ponies to a ‘rap battle.’ It’s annoying.
85. Also, when rapping, try to keep it civil. There are foals listening to you.
86. Damnit, stop complaining about foals swearing. They are listening.
87. Complaints about the school curriculum being too hard are shot down. It’s of exactly the right difficulty level for you.
88. Requests for a hoofball field are not approved. Hoofball requires a full set of Royal Guard approved armour to be played safely.
89. Please, please stop requesting a mud wrestling ring.
90. Also, stop requesting a pole-dance club.
91. And stop requesting a pornography shop.
92. A request for a Griffin Chocolatier is now approved, so stop asking.
93. Stop complaining about the lack of street magicians. Admittedly, the last one was a bit mean, but still. Acting all high and mighty is an integral part of street magic.
94. Vague Cutie Marks are hard to define, I know. Stop complaining about what you got, people.
95. Stop singing songs like, “I just had sex” in public.
96. Humans are to stop requesting that we get something called a “Mcdonalds.”
97. Any request or complaint that is addressed to “Mayor Mare,” is going to be denied. My name is Ivory Scroll, humans.
98. While I dislike putting ponies on the spot, Pinkie Pie, your request for party cannons to be installed into every house in Ponyville is denied. They would go off every 3.14 seconds, approximately.
99. Stop complaining about breaking a tooth on Sugarcube Corner. It’s not actually made of gingerbread.
100. Finally, I must seriously request that all complaints about the lack of cider be directed towards the Apple Family.
After a blissful day of catching up on sleep, Ivory Scroll walked back into her office. Opening the door, she was greeted with a large mound of paperwork, which she responded to by fainting.
Dear author, you are awesome. Please continue with this. From, Reader.
Ah, it updated! Fantasitc!
Now, to be fair, other ponies can make cider. They just left because.... reasons.
And finally,
I understand perfectly. I too would be pissed if I had to become a white weenie plebian. Goblin Aggro, ftw.
Idea: a rule about not complaining about the list of rules.
3606628 Already there, number 72. ;)
If we can't request Princess Celestia, then can we request Princess Luna for a CMC Party, PLEASE!
1##: "Not only can dragons be temperamental and dangerous creatures, but they are also citizens of Equestria. No, you can't have one as a pet. Stop asking."
My favorite!
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious"
3606682 Boy, is my face red.
3606850 "If you invent something foolproof, the universe will invent a better fool."
3607026 AK-47, you have to try and kill them. Even fruitcake in the upper receiver won't do them in. I think Kalashnikov genuinely stumped the universe's fool R&D department...
3607026 You called? (Alondro, a genius with an intellect so vast he became a complete idiot.)
>>>A one shot of surprisingly epic proportions, written in the dead of night.>>>
The best comic madness usually comes from a combination of sleep deprivation and booze.
Unless it's genetic.
More please!
beautiful
After a few minutes of thought, Ivory Scroll came up with a brilliant plan that would solve her problem forever. The next day she posted two signs.
1) Official forms now will require 2 bits filing fee.
2) Bids are now being taken for a fireplace to be installed in the Mayor's office. Said fireplace must be able to process large quantities of loose flamable material every morning and maintain a nice roaring fire for the rest of the day.
>52. How can you declare war on the sun? No more of these.>>>
Apparently, you can do that with a small quantity of trilithium. At least that's what "Star Trek: Generations" said.
>70. Stop giving ponies Poison Joke as a prank. It’s not funny at all.>>>
It totally is.
>79. Whoever keeps requesting we build a giant drill in order to split the planet in two needs to stop asking.>>>
Pfft, giant drills are terribly inefficient for planetary bisection. Giant space lasers are MUCH more effective! *sends 'Mayor Mare' a proposal*
3606616
Four Angelic Voices, Crusade, Divine Sacrament, Glorious Anthem, and/or Honor of the Pure. That 1/1 White Pony is now prancing around at 9/9. And now there's like a million of them! AHHHHHH! RUN!
Please, continue!
101 things Ponyville citizens aren't allowed to do:
Number 101 - Use paper of any kind to voice complaints.
3607635
Screw that, we have Lightning Bolt! And Fireball! And Goblin Grenade!
Okay, no one uses Goblin Grenade seriously, but still, we have it! Burn, baby, burn!
#100-whatever: Humans, please stop rubbing random ponies' manes while saying "Brushie brushie." It's getting really creepy.
#100-whatever-and-one: Please stop asking if Discord knows anypony named "Tay Zonday". I don't know, ask him instead. But do it nicely, otherwise I will have to direct you to Rule #82.
3607506 Bah! Giant space lasers are a waste of lens grade diamond! What you need is a piece of duct tape, a hacksaw, and a microwave. Combine them at a work bench and watch the planet bisect itself.
3607473 I declared war on the sun once, now the Sun Spirit is a regular at my Saturday night poker game.
Why no hoofball field? Assuming it's American football in question, which I assume it is based on the armor, those are vital for marching bands and drum corps.
3610173 Diamond? I was just going to hold a gigantic magnifying glass up to the Sun.
3610406 I sold all the giant magnifying glasses to the Goatses Spirit, he's still trolling christians.
Really? A 1/1? I would have gone with a 0/1. And creatures can't be basic.
That's right, ponies. Yoked oxen are now strictly better than you. Deal with it.
It's funny because people actually do that
you spelled labeling wrong btw
There needs to be more of these they're just too funny for it not to happen.
3611036 NINTY-FIFTH!!
Call me that one more time, Jace, I BUCKING dare you
#10X The everfree forest, despite being a very dangerous place, is an incredibly popular location for ponies to go off adventuring into.
Thus we are installing a fence around it and adding a tollbooth to pay in advance for rescuing anyone foolish enough to enter.
MORE! That is, if you don't mind. I think you should have users send you complaints, and you can make a rule about those complaints! It would be fun!
Little disappointed with the end, I was expecting her to open the door and be buried under an avalanche of paper work. Scrolls should realize, if ponies and humans can no longer complain about one thing then they'll find something else to complain about.
HUZZAH! THE LIST HAS BEEN DOUBLED!
Nice Couchtavia reference, author.
3607506 #97 Alondro.
Hmm... I got it. I will ask Ivory to make Lyra my pet!
3615223 Everypony wants to 'do' Alondro! I gotta be outlawed cuz I'm too hot to handle!
This.... I want more
like/faved
I love what you did here.
Could you make a list of things Canterlot citizens aren't allowed to do? I'd like to see how they'd react to it.
THat actually wouldn't be that bad being on an MTG card. I wouldn't mind.
Would having a land supertype mean that Ivory Scroll would tap for mana?
3623014
Considering the shenanigans Dryad Arbor gets up to, I think it would be quite scary.
Later...
#1701: Stop asking Discord if he knows a "Captain Picard".
Much Later....
#74205: Stop asking Discord if he knows a "Captain Sisko".
Much Much Later...
#74656: Stop asking Discord if he knows/tried to seduce a "Captain Janeway".
3638562 Speaking as a programmer, this is very much true.