Starting out as a fairly normal day, graduation from Magic School means Twilight will no longer have to send friendship reports to the Princess. Things go amazing, but, slowly, they topple into an adventure and a problem so large it will change the face of Equestria forever. The Mane 6 will have to deal with love, violence, vengeance, and more.
***************
The story was cancelled, but I'm leaving this up for historical purposes. I plan on rewriting from scratch with a different style. It's going to be the same story, same characters, but with a different narrative I'm better at, and a new title. While this is going to stay up, and it's by no means short, I'm just going to start over. It has a LOT of problems, and the vast majority would be fixed with a complete rewrite.
This seems really cute.
The pacing needs a bit of work, but I can't quite complain about much else.
This is decently written, but the concept doesn't interest me enough to warrant tracking it. The bit with Spike writing in Twi's diary is hilarious.
Some advice: choose a tense and stick to it. Some people will insist that stories should be in the past tense unless there's a very specific reason to use the present. Personally it doesn't bother me, but switching between the two...that's just nonsensical and confusing.
"contempt that she pried the answer out of the magically inclined pony. " That would be content, I believe.
Besides that, the only thing I can think to say is that while there's nothing inherently wrong with them, something about the concepts of the shipping aspects and magic school feel forced to me, like they are that way just to make the plot happen. I wish I could put my finger on why and suggest how to introduce them more naturally (I'm reminding myself of Rainbow Dash, "Just make the whole thing, you know, cooler."), but honestly, I'm drawing a blank there, and just mentioning it in the hopes that that's more helpful than saying nothing at least...
Anyway, seems like a very cute story, the characters are well done, and I wish you good luck with it.
309922
Thanks for the feedback, and, this story is going to be long winded and adventury. I'm going to add tags and character as I go along, but, it's going to feature all of the mane 6 each having their own acts, as well as different background ponies having their own acts. It's going to get dark, not quite grimdark, but still dark. The romances I'm trying to make work, not just tacked on, but I'm not very good at it.
But wait until you really meet Appleseed. She's going to be adorable.
310030 Oh...fine, darn you. I will track this and see where it goes. I really, really shouldn't, because I...well, I'm on a READ ALL THE FICS binge, and long story short I have 6,716 unread chapters. Literally. Most of those are just to remind me they're there so I read them at some point. I really shouldn't be adding anything that I did actually give a chance and didn't quite love...But you got me curious, and you have the kind of attitude that means your work is only bound to get better...
And I do love me some dark-but-not-too-dark adventure.
I...I really don't even know what I just read. This is just so, so rushed it almost feels like it's just listing off unrelated events. The pacing in the previous chapter could have been improved, but here is where I really have to say, yeah, it's a major problem. But for that one thing this could be really good, but as it is it's just...ok. There's no real sense of flow, or of the characters' motivations. Slow down, for pity's sake, and describe Twilight's thought process a little more...I really had a lot of trouble following Twilight and Rainbow's convo about Jetset (you might want to rethink that name, btw, since the snooty unicorns that gave Rarity trouble in Sweet and Elite were Jet Set and Upper Crust). And then after reading the first mention of RD's broken leg two or three times, I felt shocked not because it was broken but because WHERE THE HECK DID THAT COME FROM?
And why didn't Twilight notice it before?
Anyway...this still has loads and loads of potential, and really is good besides the one glaring flaw, and I am only coming down so hard on it because I want to see this reach that potential. I will continue reading, though I am sorely tempted to drop this purely because it's just reminded me that if it's not handled just exactly so I tend to get kinda creeped out by Twilestia...d'oh.
That's not your fault or your fic's though, and I'm far too curious for my own good, so I'll just read it when I feel up to it...
331213
Thanks for the feedback, and I have been getting that feeling that it's rushed while writing it, and I'm going to try and go back and fix stuff, as well as redo that entire scene with Rainbow Dash. It bugs me, but the way I see my writing, utterly horrible, makes it hard for me to judge my own stuff. I'd think it was all horrible, so I'm trying to avoid judging my own story.