Unforgotten

by Equestrian Clock

Sacrifice

Sacrifice

Chapter 3

"...who do you think he is?" Midnight heard a female voice say.
"I dunno, but I swear I've seen him before." Midnight's apparently younger self replied.
"I feel that feeling of de já by too."
That voice, so beautifully silky and soft. It was her. Aurora Borealis.
"I think he's awake," whispered Rory, then in louder voice "You up yet?"
"Yea-ow," Midnight tried to say while sitting up, but was cut off by the blinding head ache that it gave him.
"Maybe you should lay down, you got a nasty bruise on your temple when you fell. You should be thankful that you didnt get a concussion" said younger Midnight.
Midnight's head was spinning. What have I gotten myself into, jumping through the portal like that. I am in the presence of my younger self, shouldn't that create a paradox?
His thoughts were abruptly interrupted by that sweet voice, "Who are you?"
"I'm sorry, I can't tell you Aurora," Oh crap. I've let it slip.
"How do you know my name?"
"I can't tell you."
"Who are you?" the question was repeated, but by young Midnight.
"Alright, alright. But if you don't believe me, it's your fault, not mine."
"Ok,"
"Ok,"
"You guys probably aren't gonna believe this, but I'm from the future. Midnight, I'm you. Rory, You are going to get killed if you go down there. Midnight, Facet has been getting more and more angry at you, and if you take her down there, he is going to unleash his anger on her, because she has been keeping you from visiting as much."
"Very funny, but Facet is my best friend next to Rory and he wouldn't hurt her," young Midnight replied." We're going down to him."
"No, you can't,"
"And who is going to stop me?" young Midnight let this sink in, "C'mon Rory, let's go."
"No," Midnight whispered. He had lost, she was still going to die. No, there is still one way. If he could drag himself down to the chamber where Facet was, then he'd be able to stop him. Midnight got up, but immediately fell back down. I have to do this, for Rory. Midnight staggered to his hooves, ignoring the pain, and walked in a stumbling gait down a side tunnel.

"Well he was crazy. Don't you think?" asked young Midnight.
"I don't know, he sounded pretty convincing to me. What if he's right?"
"Oh, c'mon. It was probably just some delirious dude that got lost down here. The only part that that confuses me is that he knows our names."
"That's what worries me," Aurora replied uneasily "I mean, if he knows our names, then what if he really is telling the truth."
"I still think he's crazy." young Midnight stated. "Let's go, I don't want to keep Facet waiting."
"Alright. Race you there." Aurora giggled and galloped off.
"Hey, wait up. I am showing you the way ya know," young Midnight replied as he galloped after her.

Midnight was beginning to get dizzy and it was getting harder and harder to stay on his hooves. The only that kept him going was that horrible memory that usually made him break down into tears, but now was giving him strength. Only a few more corridors. Almost there. I can make it, but he couldn't make it; he fell over on his side. No. I've failed. And then he heard a scream. Aurora. he got up. I will not let that bitter animal to hurt Aurora. He staggered forward and gasped. Right around the corner was the now six foot draquonequis standing over Aurora and young Midnight. "NO!" Midnight roared. "It's me you want. Not her."
Facet turned toward Midnight and said, "And you are?"
"I am Midnight. You want me because I didn't come down here. You got lonely, and that loneliness turned to anger."
Facet walked over to Midnight and said, "Yes it is you I want." With that, he picked Midnight up by the tail and flung him a across the room. Midnight smacked into a wall near Aurora and young Midnight.
"I love you Aurora Borealis." Midnight whispered. "RUN," he yelled to the two ponies.
And they did. With a burst of speed, they sprinted out of the room. Facet walked over to Midnight.
Good-bye world, Midnight thought, before he was bathed in flames.
The flames gave him itching, tingling sensation all over his body.

And then, Midnight Dust woke up.

FIN

Comments

[Teku Senpai]

So, I was curious about this story. And the actual story is REALLY good. Besides the fact that is was kind of short, I liked it. Especially at the end where Midnight wakes up. A great way to wrap a story and keep readers hanging.

[ChronicleStone]

You know, this is really good. I've always admired writers that can tell a good story without making it long and drawn out. It's a skill I wish I had.

OK, gonna break this down just a bit more:

Pros:
- Loved the plot. Absolutely fantastic.
- When you described something, you did it well. Like the passing through the portal; I really understood what you meant when you said it was like getting splashed with ice as it instantly evaporated.
- You toyed with the reader's emotions by pitting Midnight against himself to save his lost love. It's been done before, but I think you did it justice. It reminded me a lot of a Doctor Who novel called Touched by an Angel. Which may be the best DW novel I've read.
- The ambiguity at the very end was pretty sneaky and clever. Leaves the room open for a sequel, or just to the reader's imagination.
- Aurora Borealis is a brilliant name for a pony. Brohoof to you, sir. /)

Cons:
- There were times that I got confused about who was saying what. The dialogue was good, but when a bunch of ponies said something together without anything letting me know who was saying what, I had to go through it an extra time or two to figure it out.
- At the end of chapter two, did he just experience a time warp into the future (but still in his own past)? Wasn't entirely sure what went on there.
- Ironically, the sense of time here was ambiguous. Celestia states that if you don't come back through the portal in three days, then you can't come back. But that's never again referenced. That might add a bit of urgency to the story if you used it.
- Personal preference here, but I thought when he was before Celestia, Midnight could have displayed a bit more emotion than he did. I understood what he was probably feeling (thanks to the excited dialogue), but I couldn't help but feel that it could have been that much better with a touch of anguish mixed with the excitement from a chance to redeem himself.

All in all, a good story! I was quite pleased, and it definitely got better as it went along! Keep up the good work!

[Equestrian Clock]

3603782 Thanks for the feedback. I tried to fix the mistakes you listed.