My Adventure in Equestria

by darthvader45

Explanations And A Royal Visit

"Morning, sunshine!"

I woke up quickly to notice Twilight coming down the stairs.

"Time for breakfast!"

"Okay, coming Twilight."

I got off the couch, neatly folded the blanket and placed it over the pillow, then I walked into the kitchen, where I saw Twilight preparing some pancakes.

"Pancakes, my favorite!"

"Good, you're going to love these. Hay pancakes with maple syrup."

"Hay? Oh, never mind, they're pancakes."

"I guess you haven't gotten used to our diet, huh? It's ok."

Just then, I looked back and saw Spike heading down the stairs. "Hey, Spike, morning"

"Oh, morning Josh. Morning Twilight."

"She's making hay pancakes. Want some?"

"Sure! They smell delicious!"

Spike and I quickly finished our breakfast and I started out the door, and I stopped.

"Twilight, can I talk to you about something? I'm gonna need your friends here too."

"Sure, just a minute."

Twilight suddenly concentrated, and in a burst of light, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie were here.

"Aw come on, Twilight. I was in the middle of a stunt."

"I have an orchard ta buck, Twi."

"I was in the middle of an important design, darling"

"Girls, calm down. Josh has something to say."

"Oh, sorry." Everypony said together.

"Ok, sit down somewhere please. I really want to get this off my chest. Okay, I'll tell you why I know all of you. It's because, when I was at my house in my world, I watched you on my computer, on this show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I learned all about your lives, your friendship, your names, and even your accomplishments, like the defeats of Nightmare Moon and Discord. Then a few days ago, I woke up here and that's why I've been going through everything I've gone through this week. I've known you girls for about a month now."

"A MONTH? Oh, I've got to tell Princess Celestia about this." Twilight shouted, "Spike, take a letter"

"Right away, Twilight" Spike said, then he ran to Twilight's desk, grabbed a quill and some parchment.

After about a few minutes of writing, he lifted the rolled-up letter and puffed green flames on it, completely obliterating the paper, which startled me. I will never understand that, I thought.

"I hope Princess Celestia won't be mad with me. I certainly would not want to be banished to the moon."

"Oh, she wouldn't do that. Most likely she'll ask you why you're here, and how you know all of us so well."

"Ok, I was getting worried. Well, I hope she arrives soo- whoops, spoke too soon, here she comes"

Suddenly, I saw a blinding light, and a large pony slowly descended. Despite the blinding light, I could make out her mane and that she is an alicorn, which meant that she was Princess Celestia. I immediately bowed before her, as was expected in front of royalty.

"Now now, no need for formalities here. I just want to know, why are you here, and how do you know us?"

"Um, Princess, I don't know why I'm here, and I know you and them from a show I watched at home called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I would never hurt anypony, and I understand that if I did, the punishment would be quite severe."

"Good, at least you understand what is expected. I do not know where you came from, and I've never used magic on a human before, so I cannot send you home. I know that must be a disappointment, but for now you are allowed to stay here as long as you like."

"Oh, thank you, Princess. I am honored to be here. You are my favorite princess ever."

"Your...favorite?"

"Um, yes. You're just so nice, caring, and quite wise."

"Thank you for the compliment. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some business to attend to."

"Um, can you please do a quick thing for me?"

"Sure, ask whatever you'd like"

I quickly whispered something into the princess' ear, and she looked concerned, but then nodded her head. Her horn began to glow, and I felt dizzy, and then all I could see was blackness.

A/N

Okay, I'm putting up a poll. Vote in the comments on which kind of pony you want me to become in the next chapter. The choice with the most votes, I will implement. As usual, since this is my first fanfic, constructive criticism is appreciated. Well? LET THE VOTING BEGIN! *cue awesome Olympics opening music*

What pony should I be?

* A strong Earth Pony

* An Awesome Pegasus

*A Magical Unicorn
End A/N

Comments

[Crimson Dale]

[Crimson Dale]

[Icer]

Okay, I read through (most of) the three chapters, and the really big thing that I have to say is...

You're really rushing it, I mean, about as fast as Pinkie Pie talks rushing it. Your first chapter was... pretty decent, up until the Spike bit. What I'd say to slow things down is, instead of just having it happen, and letting the reader figure it out, slow down and explain it as it's happening, give a little bit of the description. I don't have a feeling for any of the characters, they're just sort of there. The best description for them right now that I could give would be something like a talking cardboard box, because we're not getting any actions or movements from them, it's all pretty much dialogue.

So, to put it in a manner that's not just a large paragraph:
1. Slow down
2. Explain things more
3. Let the characters live, not just speak.

If any of that makes sense, it does have potential, but that's what I would do if I were you in order to improve on what you have.

[darthvader45]

Ok, it's just that it's my first time, and I accept any constructive criticism I get. If anypony would be willing to help, I would appreciate it. Thanks for the critique, Icer. Think maybe you could give me ideas on how the next chapter would go? I'm getting kinda stumped here, as writer's block is a real pain for me. I wish my ideas could come in at least half as fast as Pinkie's talking, but that just doesn't happen right now.

[TheArchive]

291073

Here's my advice.

Start over. Except this time, write your own story. I can't really give my own thoughts about this so far, since it's pretty much copy/paste from another story (which is just something you don't do).

I read that little piece you made in the comments of My Little Minecraft, and it seemed pretty interesting. Why not do that? Using that story as a base wouldn't be trouble in this case, since the author gave you permission to do it. That way, you can write your own story, and I'm sure it will be a good read.

[darthvader45]

Oh ok then, I was hoping for a little editing help, but that's good too. I'll get started soon, but I have college courses, which is why it was so rushed. I'll work on editing this chapter to not be so rushed, sorry 'bout that. College work makes me sooo ANNOYED.

[Gigabyte]

You seem kind and smart. So I would suggest unicorn.

[FeatherFoot]

It's a bit rushed, sorry to say. It needs to be about 20% longer each chapter.

Memes aside, I'm being serious about making the chapters longer. I know I made that mistake...

[darthvader45]

Alright guys, I have made a somewhat original story, with inspiration thanks to MrDenim and his amazing(and yet unfinished) story, My Little Minecraft. Mine will involve Herobrine at some point, or Israphel. If Israphel, I'm gonna need help on making sure that his and the Yogcast's personalities are matched to a T. Any who would like to help edit my story, just PM me.